Can long-time friends be lovers?

[sami]

I don't believe in man-made barriers. I swim with the current.

[ockey53]

How many think I should go with my heart and try to pursue going out with my best friend and at least trying it?

Vote Yes!

 

How many think that I should forget it cause she'll never come around and just continue being friends as we are now?

Vote No!

[rui]

So I dated jess for a year. I was the one that wanted to break it off the most. She still wanted me back for a while afterwards. Until she met this guy, lets call him Jim. Jim was a real a**h***. He treated her like ****. Well it wasnt so much that he was bad to her, he just talked bad about her when she wasnt around. He played her pretty badly. When Jess found out what jim was doing things just went down hill. They broke up and jess was really hurt. We maintained somewhat of a friendship during all this. I knew jim was bad for her, and I never liked him before they started going out, and seeing as they were dating it was hard for jess and I to be the close friends we were before. So after they broke up jess's morals went way down hill. She started sleeping around, and lost a lot of respect for herself. Remembering how happy we were together, and how she wasnt like that at all when i was with her, I couldnt help but think that I did this to her. So we argued a lot about her new life style. The problem was that she knew that I had feelings for her, so I couldnt really give her sexual advice without her thinking that I was just trying to get her back. Which in a way I was. Well she turned out ok, and straightened herself out. Now she is engaged to my best friend. They are really good for eachother, and I am really happy for them. We drifted apart when I left for college. The only problem I had maintaining the friends relationship with her was when I tried to give her advice on her relationships with other guys. That could have also been due to our immaturity at the time. My advice would be to stop trying to break the barrier with this girl. I know that you have been into her for a while, but once you fully accept the fact that you guys will just be friends that is when "the barrier" will be broken. Go with the flow, and dont save yourself for her. By avoiding her you could hurt your relationship, so Id find other... more ligit things to do... like... date another girl. Things always work out for the best.

 

Good luck man.

[ockey53]

I am trying to get a gf. Maybe that is my problem, I can't try.... I don't know. That's what my friend says all the time... "If you want a gf, you'll never get one... until you truely don't want one, then you'll get one."

 

This **** doesn't make sense to me. I'm all over Craigslist answering replies, just for the fun of it and if people reply, great... if not, oh well.

 

My problem is that I am tried of hearing phrases from girls like:

"You're a really great friend, but..."

"We didn't click"

"You're an awesome bf, but..."

"I can see you as a good friend"

 

I guess I'm just being too friendly. I'm liking this whole thing.... everyone I would like to date is either taken, wants only a friendship, or just plain isn't interested. I have not found one girl that is interested in me in the 4 years I've been at college!!! In 4 years, I've officially only had 1 date and that was a week ago. That ended up in "You're a really great friend, but..."

 

Girls want more. I don't get it. But once I figure it out, I'll be on my death bed at 95 years old and still single.

 

I'm also getting kinda sick seeing my best friends all over their bfs and gfs while I'm in the room. HELLO!! I'm here too, can you save that for after I leave!? Ohhhh... sorry about the venting, I just want to make some girl really happy by just hanging out with them....

 

[ockey53]

So I guess it comes down to this...

 

Get a girlfriend and see how it goes. Then things will be balanced on each side (she's had a bf, I've had a gf) and see what happens. And we can what she's always wanted to do, double date!!

 

Ok, step 1... get a girlfriend.... ummm............... this might take a while....

[Paradise]

Originally posted by ockey53

I am trying to get a gf. Maybe that is my problem, I can't try.... I don't know. That's what my friend says all the time... "If you want a gf, you'll never get one... until you truely don't want one, then you'll get one."

 

This **** doesn't make sense to me. I'm all over Craigslist answering replies, just for the fun of it and if people reply, great... if not, oh well.

 

My problem is that I am tried of hearing phrases from girls like:

"You're a really great friend, but..."

"We didn't click"

"You're an awesome bf, but..."

"I can see you as a good friend"

 

I guess I'm just being too friendly. I'm liking this whole thing.... everyone I would like to date is either taken, wants only a friendship, or just plain isn't interested. I have not found one girl that is interested in me in the 4 years I've been at college!!! In 4 years, I've officially only had 1 date and that was a week ago. That ended up in "You're a really great friend, but..."

 

Girls want more. I don't get it. But once I figure it out, I'll be on my death bed at 95 years old and still single.

 

I'm also getting kinda sick seeing my best friends all over their bfs and gfs while I'm in the room. HELLO!! I'm here too, can you save that for after I leave!? Ohhhh... sorry about the venting, I just want to make some girl really happy by just hanging out with them....

 

[Paradise]

Originally posted by ockey53

I am trying to get a gf. Maybe that is my problem, I can't try.... I don't know. That's what my friend says all the time... "If you want a gf, you'll never get one... until you truly don't want one, then you'll get one."

You know that's B/S. If you want a g/f, you really have to want it bad enough where you will go out there and get one!

So, it's the exactly the opposite. Think positive and with your self-confidence, you can get any woman you want.

[ockey53]

Ok, this week has been good! I have met a lot of girls from my school on thefacebook.com and hopefully something happens.

 

My friend has been debating whether or not to dump her bf cause he's transfering schools in less than 3 weeks and she is begining to get attached to him and doesn't want to get him or her hurt. She asked what I would do in that situation. I told her to go with her heart, if it doesn't feel right, don't do it. And said that maybe breaking up 3 weeks earlier than when you would have been broken up might give you enough to not get completely attached. But also, you're missing out on anything that you guys do within that period. More than likely, she'll stay with him until he has to leave. I told her I'd be there thru everything and I'll still be here when he's gone. I've been there for her thru thick and thin (and there's been a lot of thick). But we always get thru it and past it.

 

She's been asking my opinion on relationship questions lately.... it's weird, she never used to. Like above asking, "What would you do if you were me?" I don't know if these questions might have a deeper meaning for "us" or it's just a face-value question.... what do you guys/gals think?

[ockey53]

What to do and when to do it?

 

Her boyfriend is leaving (transferring to another school) at the end of this month and they plan to break up. She has guy already chasing her, waiting for her to be single again. I know that it will be a long time for her to get over this one, cause it's really the first good relationship she's had and it's not anyone's fault for dumping one another.

 

I plan on sticking around as a friend to help support her. Cause I know she won't turn around and start dating the next month. She needs her alone time and mending time. I'm just not sure when to actually "convince" her?

[ockey53]

realizing I can't fulfill the duty and obligations of being her boyfriend.... I believe I am stopping here....

 

I cannot and am not what she wants. If it is supose to happen, it will; if not, oh well! I am going to concentrate more on my body and getting into shape. Going by these rules:

 

1.) more gym

2.) less girls

 

cya!

[sami]

That is even better. I like it," More Gyms less girls". I tried it before and it worked my friend. No headaches.

[tegteg]

Yeah and youll start feeling better bout yourself and have more confidice.....

 

Now i do disagree with the statment that Paradise made bout you should have more confidince and go after them... Im the one that acts the part of, eh i dont you or i sit back and am seen but not noticed...... 1 ive never asked a girl out or to do anything with me 2 theyve always come to me and 3 everyones diff.... So what may work for one may not for another....

 

And this is why i am tryin to "change" a lil bit in this area... As now im not goin to play that type as much as i used to... Im goin to just go up to a woman... If she dont like me 4 the way i look or whatever that aint my prob. its hers... No prob. with me... Just go on to the next one... But i picky so it just takes long time to find one... hahahah owell.....

 

DG

[Phelly]

I'm dating a long time friend (of 4 years)... I think the key was a level of trust we attained by always being there for each other.

 

For example, I would tell her all about this new girl I met and how sweet she is and how much I think about her and how happy I want her to be. And my friend would say stuff like awww...that's so sweet...i wish i had a guy like that...

 

lol

 

So yea. One day she told me she loved me. I was like ok. I love you as a friend too.

And later she told me there's many kinds of love, but she didn't mean like a friend.

 

We were comfortable enough with each other that we could say anything to each other, even "i love you", which is one reason why there was no so called "friend barrier". I guess it helped that I felt the same about her.

 

I often told her, even just as a friend, that I thought she was very beautiful...and so sweet...and so funny. etc etc etc and that I could spend more time with her than anyone I've met. With all the compliments and stuff floating around, we just became more and more attracted to each other...

 

And so that's my story.

 

But if you want to give up on the idea of dating your friend then that's all good too.

 

Personally, I would wait until the guy is gone, then tell her that it makes me sad that a guy has to leave behind something that is so perfect. Of course she could interprete that as though you're referring to her relationship, or just her as a person. Either way I think it would be an eye opener. And you could just be mysterious like that. lol

 

I would say...make a move. But ehh...if you value her friendship too much to risk it, well, then even if she feels the same about you, you would never get together. So you're screwed whether she wants you or not. And that's why if it were me, I would DO IT.

 

But if you're determined to give up on the idea, then that's cool too. I can certainly understand why.

[ockey53]

Hey if she said I love you now or 5 years from now, I'd drop EVERYTHING (gf, maybe not a wife..., but definitely a gf) for her. But I'm not sure that she likes me that much.

 

I am the first person she calls when something's wrong or she has some news. I believe that she trusts me to a great extent, maybe not the extent of a bf, but definitely 2nd.

 

I tried the "I love you" thing and she didn't react in the same way. Saying she loves me like a brother. I treat her like a goddess and I thought that would turn her head to me.... but it didn't. She doesn't look at me when she's considering great qualities in a guy cause I'm a friend to her... even though I top the guys she looks at as far as romantic qualities go. Sure I don't look like a thug, I'm not ripped or jacked. I'm Mr. Sensitive and I put a lot of effort and time into our current relationship.

 

But I think that we are different in some ways then other best friends.

1.) I lived with her for a year last year (cause we got refused housing on campus)

2.) I am her photographer (she's a model - I'm not going to show you her picture, this is private)

3.) I've already seen her half naked (she sometimes changed in front of me - with her back turned)

4.) I have bought her lingerie from Victoria's Secret (not once, but many times)

5.) I give her massages just about every other day (foot, leg, neck, scalp, whatever else)

 

Any suggestions?

[ockey53]

my friend said this is just like the decision in The Matrix. It comes down to the red pill or the blue pill....

 

Good analogy!

[ockey53]

Ok, sorry everyone, I'm not just replying all the time to push my post to the top of the list. I have just had a lot of time to think and congure this idea.

 

I got an idea of how to show her that I want to go out with her. This was her away message last night:

Tonight and every night, the mysterious shadow man comes to me....why can't he be real? Even for just a second so I can take that chance to thank him for making all my dreams utterly blissful.

She has told me many times about this dream and I had always hoped to be that "mystery man." Now I found a way I could do that.

 

Send her flowers to her dorm or room and put a nice little note saying something like "you're mystery man is a real person, real enough to send you these" signed "your mysterious shadow man." And then she'll know it's someone she knows and start asking everyone, and when she gets to me, I'll deny everything. And keep sending her stuff to different locations... like her work and her PO Box. And for the final gift... show up to her place with the most beautiful roses ever and have a little note in it saying "guess what? you found your mysterious shadow man."

 

She has a thing for flowers that just makes her melt. Her favorite flower is a blue rose. And in the last est of roses that I give her personally, include an artificial rose in there and say, "I will love you until the last rose dies"

 

What do you think? I want to here some "awwwwwwww"s from the girls

[tegteg]

Awwwwwwww........ O wait you said women, sorry my bad.... hahaha

 

I like the idea mang... It shows alot about you and what your willingness is... But dont be affried to be shot down... U know?

 

DG

[dmaestro3]

Its a good idea and has potential... it does sound a lot like a marriage proposal, there is also a fear of rejection..what do you do if she says no, not yet, etc will you be able to handle it.

-its a bit creepy

 

like i told you, it has a risk that she might be in that "only friends" mindset so you need to warm her up to the idea of being more than friends so if you're in that position she will say yes instead of being caught offguard and having things not work out down the road. It does seem insanely sweet, almost too sweet, so just keep your head on and make sure if you do do something like that the timing is right.

[capitald]

I think its terrific idea. I think that one should be friends with the girl for a long time before one proceeds to lover. Right now I think I will play the field but in the future I plan to be friends for a couple of years with the women that will become my wife. Its practical.

[ockey53]

I realize there is that degree or percentage of rejection. I've done stuff like this before, just not with the intent of asking her out. What can I say, I'm a helpless romantic and she LOVES IT!

 

I found a song that almost perfectly describes my situation with her. The bad part is that it doesn't have a conclusion to it. Download it, it's worth it.

 

Boyz II Men - I Finally Know:

[gordana7]

Even if the conversion of friends to lovers has been done, which it has, of course, it doesn't necessarily mean that this particular case is going to work out. You need to wager how important this friendship is to you. I doubt that, considering how close you two are now, your friendship would just cease to be. It would definitely change though, as i'm sure you're aware. But there's no way you can know or even try to predict what is going to happen, so ask yourself this: are you content with this relationship as it is or do you feel that you need to progress to couple status in order for you to be happy? I don't really feel comfortable telling you to do anything since I hardly know you and i don't know her at all, but I do know that you can't push anyone into a relationship. I have a feeling that if she wanted to take the relationship further, then she would. And once she gets sick of all of these guys that aren't working out for her, she'll turn to you. So personally, i think you should wait it out. But, if you feel that you need to make a move now, then just do it. Change is inevitable, but the more you contemplate it, the more complicated it gets, so it's better to get things like that overwith. And no matter how many random opinions you get, in the end, it's all on you.

[capitald]

gordana, has an idea here about waiting it out. Perhaps you should stay friends with her in the meantime and explore other girls but without spending so much time with them that you neglect her. See where you get with other girls, all the while knowing that if you are patient with her she just might come back to you in the end.

[Squeek]

I think it sounds like she likes you-no matter what she said! go for it!

 

I just told my best friend of 4 years that I've liked him all along. He didnt say anything but "its ok, friends are allowed to have crushes on friends" and then we went to the movies the next day like normal. We flirt all the time and I tell him every day how adorable he is. He just isnt taking me seriously. Once he said he would date me if we were not friends already. Dunno if he likes me or not. Oh well!

 

I hope it works out with this girl-the flowers sound like a great idea and you deserve a big "awwwwww!" for the idea. Just dont creep her out! If you don't get her, don't worry about it. You sound like a really sweet guy and tons of girls would die to be treated the way you treat her. Friends definately can evolve into more, just be careful!

[lurkaholic]

Actually, I don't think the flowers are a good idea. I can think of a few different outcomes:

 

1) She immediately knows it is you.

-- I think that in this case she won't change her mind. Especially considering that you already do so many sweet things for her (lucky lady!) and they haven't changed her mind so far. The flowers seem like a variation of the same approach, which isn't working currently. And I know, to me, it would seem a little bit much. There is a fine line between really sweet and creepily intense.

 

2) She thinks it is someone else that she is/was interested in.

-- You really don't want her thinking that her ex bf that moved away is sending these roses and coming to you asking you if she should be back together with him.

 

3) She thinks it is someone else that she is not interested in.

-- She might think it is a creepy stalker-type that has access to her Instant Messenger.

 

4) She says "I always thought of you as just a friend but since you sent the roses, I have realized my love for you."

--This would be great, but I think it is unlikely. You have made her feelings for her clear before, yes? I think maybe the best thing to do is to try a different approach, or to try to get out and do things apart from her. It may give you some perspective. Or it may give her some more insight into/a different point of you on you. Just make sure that you are doing things for yourself, and not to cause a reaction from her.

 

 

Apologies if this seems harsh. I wish you the best of luck.

[ockey53]

Once he said he would date me if we were not friends already.

 

Oh I've heard this before! And this is what I'm "trying to get around." Her liking me without breaking our friendship. I know this sounds WAY simpler than it is to act it out, but just add the bf/gf name and hang out more and we would have a lot more fun doing stuff, especially trips/vacations to different countries.

 

I hope it works out with this girl-the flowers sound like a great idea and you deserve a big "awwwwww!" for the idea. Just dont creep her out! If you don't get her, don't worry about it. You sound like a really sweet guy and tons of girls would die to be treated the way you treat her. Friends definately can evolve into more, just be careful!

 

On this, I am an awesome guy, not to brag... but I'm not Brad Pit. I'm 5'9" and about 220lbs (and slimming). But she said (today actually) that she compares her bfs to me. This current bf isn't too romantic or shares many common interests with her. So it turns out that she turns to me and we've been hanging out even more!! Me and this girl have had lunch together everyday since May 1st. usually longer, from 11:30-4:00, doing hanging out, massage her feet, go to the gym and usually dinner afterwards.

 

But recently, she's digging other guys. I'm not sure if this is just a mind game to make me try harder... or something? or that she just doesn't want to date me.

 

I think I've asked this question before, but if not here it goes... "What would be different if this magical dream became true?" Would we go out more? Would we see each other more? There would be physical interaction; kissing, hugging, sex... but that would take time. Anyone went thru this?? Help me out.