Author VivienViolet Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 My husband and I have been talking about this a bit. He shared this with me because it was something similar to what he used to guage my level of remorse when he was deciding whether he could forgive me. Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain. A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions). Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad. Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances. Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability. Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it. Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you". Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did". Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable. Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability. Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions. Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely. Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them. Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others. Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self. Guilt leads to self hatred. Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused. Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused. My husband thinks that I am remorseful, but still dealing with deep shame, rather than the issue being guilt or remorse. He thinks that, and remided me that my counselor agreed too, that I am not able to forgive myself out of shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivienViolet Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 (edited) As a WS who feels remorse, I disagree. I do not waste energy on the ex-OM. Remorse means focus on the husband and the marriage, not the affair (guilt) I do not waste energy on the ex-other man either. I haven't since the day I confessed the affair and closed my facebook account. My husband asked for the other man's name and contact information, and I immediately gave it to him. My despair has nothing to do with the other man. It has to do with regretting what I did and how it hurt my husband. Edited November 3, 2011 by VivienViolet Additional comment Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Vivien What your husband shared with you is pretty solid in my opinion and it is a very good sign that you and he are talking like this. It sounds like he is wanting to help you get over this just as much as you want to help him. You are in a real low at the moment but if you keep on the path of working on your marriage and focussing on your H, you can get through this Link to post Share on other sites
Author VivienViolet Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Thanks Anne. In my upbringing, shame, guilt and remorse all meant one thing: you did something bad, and were bad because of it. Bad people weren't due forgiveness. The indiscretion could be forgotten, but not forgiven. Pretty messed up. On top of that, my husband is a good man who deserves to be treated like a king. I failed colossally in that but I'm determined to be the wife he deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 At the end of the day, whose opinion matters most in this? Your neighbour? Your hairdresser? Your cousin? No. It's your husband. Listen to him. Link to post Share on other sites
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