Mid-Life Crisis??

[2sunny]

Yesterday was a bad day. Manic. I'm not sure what set it off. Maybe it was the fact that she said she would be home early in the evening and didn't stroll in until around 3am!

 

I am so f-ng angry and I'm not even sure why. I've never been the jealous type. Never cared who she went out with or who she talked to. But now I can't help but wonder. I wonder if she is playing me; if i'm being used. Is she getting to have her cake and eat it too? There are two things I value in any relationship... honesty and loyalty. Right now I am questioning both and I HATE IT.

 

I started thinking last night if this is even worth it anymore. Why should I put up with this? She told in the fit of her meltdown that she wasn't "in love with me" and wasn't attracted to me. So then WHY is she still here? If our home is so unbearable and I'm not a worthy spouse then WTF are you waiting for? I'm haven't, nor will I, beg for her to stay. I love myself WAY to much to stoop to that level of emotional blackmail.

 

I have no plans to let her know how I feel about this. I am going to continue to play it cool. Watch, prepare and see. I am going to put in a call to a lawyer today to see what I need to do to prepare. I have done some reading online and I have already done most of what they recommend. I got my own checking account and linked it to my paycheck so I can shift where all my money goes with a click of a button. Credit card in my name only. I am the only one with access to all our financial records. So I should be set there.

 

I know I am venting alot right now, but I need it. I have to get this off my chest. Gotta get this bad mojo out!

 

3am? wow - that's disrespectful!

 

what are YOU waiting for? a healthy boundary on any person would say - "not in MY house!"

 

you aren't telling her how you feel? why not? i'd be telling her that is just OUT OF LINE!!!! GET OUT NOW!!!

 

she said she "isn't in love with you" - that usually indicates that she's FOUND SOMEONE NEW she IS in love with!

 

open your eyes... it's all there IF you look at it with your eyes open.

[2sunny]

meant to mention - she sure looks like the alcoholic... best way for YOU to help is to realize that she is... and understand that as long as you keep fixing things for her - she's not going to get desperate enough to get the help she needs.

 

top two symptoms of active alcoholism are anxiety and depression - sound familiar?

 

YOU can get busy moving forward - with healthy boundaries and choices that keep YOU in a good place.

 

this may include allowing her "that space" she talked about - tell her to move now.

 

tell her to work. tell her to support herself. tell her she can come home at any hour she chooses - just not under YOUR roof. she can find her way - but it doesn't need to include causing harm to you while she does it.

 

her agenda isn't something you want to be watching - i guarantee you that.

 

the i'm not in love with you but i love you = is the usual indicator that she's definitely cheating. it goes along with the need to stay out until 3am as well...

Edited November 1, 2011 by 2sunny

[GiddyUp]

2Sunny,

 

That is exactly what I plan on doing in MC. I just didn't want to do it while I was raw. Also, I don't want to give her the satisfaction of letting her know it hurt me. Also, I wanted to give myself sometime to prepare legally.

 

As for the OM, I have been looking for evidence (txt, emails, phones calls, FB, etc) and haven't found anything that really points in that direction. Maybe she is smarter then that and is doing a good job of keeping it secret. I am trying not to turn a blind eye, but as I am sure a lot of people here know, it's hard to see when your in it.

 

I think I do have a boundaries issue. It seems difficult to define a line when I have told her I would support her personal growth and give her some space. Like I said previously, I have never had an issue with her going out and having friends outside of me. I have actually encouraged it. And as far as all of this goes, I don't even know what I would say that wouldn't sound like a whinny baby. Again, I guess I have issues with boundaries.

[2sunny]

the evidence is there = 3 am and "i'm not in love with you"

 

she willing to stay and party even if she's not in love with you - that's not enough!

 

she intends to stay because you pay her way... oh joy...

 

tell her to get a full time job - today! start being responsible and participating in the household... or get out today!

[GiddyUp]

she sure looks like the alcoholic...

I believe she is. When she starts she can't stop. She mentioned this as a possibility, but then no mention of it since then.

 

fixing things for her

How am I fixing things for her? By allowing her to party into the morning? I need to hear these things from an outside point of view. If you can, please don't hold any punches.

 

top two symptoms of active alcoholism are anxiety and depression - sound familiar?

Very!

 

the i'm not in love with you but i love you = is the usual indicator that she's definitely cheating. it goes along with the need to stay out until 3am as well...

I am very aware of this. It is from this reason that I have started my investigation. I made the mistake of telling her this. Maybe it has forced her to be better at hiding it.

[2sunny]

How am I fixing things for her? By allowing her to party into the morning? I need to hear these things from an outside point of view. If you can, please don't hold any punches.

 

stop making her comfortable.

 

IF she's to change - she needs to get UNCOMFORTABLE!

 

she needs consequences.

 

 

----> and i am a recovered alcoholic too... one day at a time...

 

things will remain the same and get worse as time goes along - as long as you don't change... make her uncomfortable.

 

require her to work full time. require her to pay her way - at least half of the household expenses (yes, this is REAL life). if she chooses not to...

 

 

throw her out with no money or car ---> then see what she gets motivated to do...

[betterdeal]

I planned on using MC as a place to bring this up. that way it can be controlled (moderated) and part of our normal session. I don't want to appear needy or weak. I CANNOT do that.

 

I have set a cut off date in general. It is the end of the year. That will have given her basically 3 months to get her crap together and get moving in the right direction both for herself and for "us".

 

She told me she doesn't know if she is "in love with me". She does say she still "loves" me. I'm not sure what you mean by "not responding". Can you clarify a bit?

 

By not responding, I mean you haven't expressed to her what you feel as a result of her "not in love" statement. I'm glad you're intending to use MC as the platform to respond to that. As for this not in love statement, that all ties back to what we were saying apropos her sense of reality and what she expects from a relationship.

 

When we're infatuated and going through the first flushes it's a huge relief to people like your wife (and myself formerly). It feels like falling gently, being weightless, with all the burdens shed. That, to her, is what being in love is, and that's what she craves. Losing those burdens is, however, not going to be done by perpetually falling in love.

 

So bear in mind, she's coping with her demons and her perspective is massively distorted. Not to say the effect on you of her behaviour (such as staying out to 3am) should be ignored or otherwise diminished. Just to say, don't take what she says to heart too much. Seeking clarification about that might prevent it spiralling downward.

[GiddyUp]

2sunny- you are right... she is getting to have her cake and eat it to. I was discussing my situation with a good friend of mine and I kept coming back to the same thing... of course she is happier now... she is getting to do whatever she wants without any consequences. My friend and I had a long discussion about consequences. Suffice it to say that she is going to have a slightly rude awakening come MC day. I am not going to be rude or angry. I am going to simply state that one of my goals is to establish boundaries with her. Most notably being that this current situation will not fly anymore.

 

BD- the not "in love" topic is the other major item on my agenda for MC. I plan on telling her exactly how I feel about it. However, it should be noted that I did tell her how i felt during our initial conversation when it first came up and then again we she returned from her trip and we decided to do MC. I truly believe that (as you stated) she has misguided expectation of what love is, how a relationship is supposed to be, and what has to be done to maintain that. These WILL be addressed.

 

Having talked with my friend, I have confirmed that my main source of aggravation stems from the thought of being taken advantage of... being USED. If life with me was so terrible and unhappy, why are you still here? What would possibly keep you from leaving? Comfort! However, her comfort equates to me feeling used.

[GiddyUp]

Additionally, I am coming to the realization that she is emotionally immature. So evidenced by her ideas on relationship, love, and this ME first mentality. I'm sorry, but ME got thrown out the door when you said I DO. That ME gets flipped upside down to WE.

[GiddyUp]

Today is going to be a better day!

 

I am putting together a list of things I need clarified in our MC meeting. Sadly, I don't think the 1 hour meeting to going to be long enough.

 

Boundaries (it's a start):

- Going out with friends is good. Coming home at 3,4, or 5am is NOT.

- I will not finance a teenage/party lifestyle. If that is what she wants, then she can do it on her own.

- Any infidelity will not be tolerated (emotional or physical).

 

Topics:

- ILYBNILWY

- The signs of cheating/straying

- Boundaries

- Feelings I have of resentment

- Feelings I have of being used

- Alcoholism

 

These are a start and by no means represent everything that should be covered in MC. I'm curious how she'll react to this. Right now she has it made, so it's easy to be "happy". Everything is going her way... being "happy" when everything is falling down around you and you are having to struggle to survive... well that's a different story. She needs to struggle to really KNOW if she has achieved her inner happiness.

 

As for me, I am at a crossroads. In support my friend and hearing what my family has to say, I have realized that I need to make a decision whether or not this will work at all for ME. How much MORE effort am I willing to put into this? I cannot feel like I am the only one who gives a crap about our relationship. There is A LOT of work to do. I am just debating if I have the strength for it anymore.

[betterdeal]

That sounds like a great list to me. I'll be interested in how your MC session goes and what you get out of it. I think, mainly, the lesson most therapy teaches us is that if we are consistent and clear we create an identifiable landscape for ourselves and others and that helps us all to choose a better path (pardoning the stretching of the boundaries metaphor).

 

You're doing well.

[2sunny]

Today is going to be a better day!

 

I am putting together a list of things I need clarified in our MC meeting. Sadly, I don't think the 1 hour meeting to going to be long enough.

 

Boundaries (it's a start):

- Going out with friends is good. Coming home at 3,4, or 5am is NOT.

- I will not finance a teenage/party lifestyle. If that is what she wants, then she can do it on her own.

- Any infidelity will not be tolerated (emotional or physical).

 

Topics:

- ILYBNILWY

- The signs of cheating/straying

- Boundaries

- Feelings I have of resentment

- Feelings I have of being used

- Alcoholism

 

These are a start and by no means represent everything that should be covered in MC. I'm curious how she'll react to this. Right now she has it made, so it's easy to be "happy". Everything is going her way... being "happy" when everything is falling down around you and you are having to struggle to survive... well that's a different story. She needs to struggle to really KNOW if she has achieved her inner happiness.

 

As for me, I am at a crossroads. In support my friend and hearing what my family has to say, I have realized that I need to make a decision whether or not this will work at all for ME. How much MORE effort am I willing to put into this? I cannot feel like I am the only one who gives a crap about our relationship. There is A LOT of work to do. I am just debating if I have the strength for it anymore.

 

if you turned your list upside down it may be helpful! address her alcoholism FIRST!

 

IF she can't stay sober - and live her life without altering herself with substance (alcohol or drugs) then there really isn't anything that needs to be discussed.

 

staying sober is the first priority - each day.

 

IF she can't DO that - there's nothing else that needs to be addressed.

 

IF she RECOVERED from alcoholism - all those other problems would take care of themselves. addressing the alcohol should be FIRST on the list.

 

yep - IF she knows she has a problem - expect that she's going to get angry...

[GiddyUp]

if you turned your list upside down it may be helpful! address her alcoholism FIRST!

 

My list was in no particular order. But I do see your point. Determining if she IS in fact an alcoholic has got to be identified and dealt with immediately.

 

On an interesting side note, She has been all happy-go-lucky lately until today. I got a call from her that she was extremely frustrated with having to share a car with the kiddo and that it was "getting in the way of working on me", and we needed to get kiddo a car immediately. I almost p00ped myself. I was floored! She was basically saying that having to pick up her kid from school and take her somewhere was a frustration inducing inconvenience. I got a follow up call from kiddo saying that mom was angry and taking it out on her. Holy CRAP! One little bump in the road and she flew off the handle. The nice thing though was I took it in stride didn't try to fix it and let her go. This just really goes to show me she hasn't made any progress or growth at all. She's just been filling herself full of cake.

 

Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a meeting! HAHAHAHAHAHA

[2sunny]

makes sense = active drinker is usually only capable of thinking of themself. so - your child is getting in the way of her "plans" - so i'd be asking - what is her daily PLAN?

 

if she has trouble driving the child to and from school - a car isn't the solution... unless, of course Mom needs to be removed from situation - placed in detox/rehab - and have the child use the car for transportation.

 

offer THAT up as a solution!

 

see how she responds!

 

i'm dead serious too!

 

 

knowing why her intention to make your child feel badly for a ride from school is something your wife definitely needs to explain! WHY does she see that as her inconvenience? what is she DOING that keeps her from meeting THAT obligation?

 

you need solid answers! i also think you need a private investigator! find out what she is doing with her days!

[GiddyUp]

Today is MC. I am nervous. I haven't nervous in a long time. I wonder why now? Maybe because I plan on standing up for myself and that isn't something I have really done in ages with her. It's crazy how we alter what we deem acceptable with our SO. In my job, I am confident and "in charge". In my relationship, I feel meek.

 

During this time that I am giving her space, I can feel my heart hardening. I don't know if this is a good thing. I have completely backed away from her. We share no affection, no ILYs, just glorified roommates. I listen to her, but offer no suggestions. I don't try to fix her problems. Lot's of "uh huhs" and whatnot. I told the kiddo last night that I am no longer making excuses for the way W acts (BTW, if i haven't mentioned it, the child is not mine biologically. W and I met when kiddo was very young). Kiddo seemed relieved, smiled and said thank you. That hurt my heart. By trying to protect the W have I inadvertently been hurting this beautiful wonderful child? Possibly making her feel that W was more important???

 

2sunny- as for the alcoholism, I want to make sure I paint the correct picture. Not to defend her, but so that you have all the facts with which to deliver your sage advice. She doesn't get drunk every night. She will have a couple of drink most nights. The real problem is when she is out in social situations. There is no OFF switch. Once she starts in those situations, she can't stop. Again, I am NOT defending her. I just need to make sure I am not tainting the information I provide.

 

As for her "daily plans", I think the issue is that the kiddo takes the car to school on most days. So W is stuck at home with no way to get out and about. I am continuing to monitor for signs of OM. Nothing jumps out yet, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. If I do find evidence of OM, then that will make this much easier. A simple note to her that her stuff is in the garage and she should come and get it.

Edited November 3, 2011 by GiddyUp

[betterdeal]

I disagree with 2sunny in that I don't think alcoholism is the issue. Her drinking is a complication not a cause, and I doubt there's another man.

 

Glad to here you're connecting with your child and fulfilling your role as a guardian for her. Don't be too nervous going into MC. You might be surprised by how well things go. Try and be open minded whilst not surrendering your needs.

[2sunny]

Most important realization of a true alcoholic is not being capable of turning that switch off. Cannot "control" our drinking.

 

No one can convince her - she needs to decide for herself.

 

Today - at counseling - speak your truth!

 

Best way to help her if she's drinking too much on occasion is to implement consequences. Do not cover up for her. Do not make excuses. Do not make her life all pretty. If she doesn't like it - she can change it! She won't change it until she's uncomfortable... So stop making her comfortable.

 

Be honest. Tell her what you see and how you feel about it.

 

For starters - if she says she's not in love with you - why doesn't she simply move out? That would be change...

[GiddyUp]

MC was very good. I said my peace. I told her exactly how I feel about her drinking, her disrespectful attitude, and most importantly what I need if this has any chance of working out.

 

We discussed her drinking quite a bit. She recognizes that it is a problem and with the help of the counselor she is going to try to determine how deep the rabbit hole goes. Only time will tell with that.

 

All-in-all it was very positive. She seemed to respect the boundaries I am setting down and I made it VERY clear to her that I will not stand for this anymore. If she chooses to continue that lifestyle, I told her that she chooses to do so without me.

 

Finally, and most importantly for ME, I have to STOP being an enabler and stand up for myself.

 

I know this is just one day and just one counseling session, but it is a good day and it was a good counseling session. One day at a time.

[GiddyUp]

Sooo... interesting weekend. We went out Saturday night and had a really good time together. On the way home the conversation somehow turned to our situation. I honestly don't know what to make of some of her comments.

 

I am going to hit the high points...

 

- She admitted that she has a hard time committing. She says it scares her, so there still is a wall up. Personally, i think it has to do with her father running away for weeks/months at a time, and the terrible example of what a healthy relationship looks like. I told her that she has to commit 100% if she wants this to work and if she wants me to stay.

 

- She said she finds other men attractive. I said "so what" there are attractive men in the this world. We're married not dead. I told her that I think other women are attractive, but it's what you do with that feeling that matters. Can you appreciate them for their "attractiveness" and then just let it go. I also asked her if she wanted to act on that. She swears up and down... NO.

 

- She doesn't know how to handle all the men who hit on her. I have no idea what the heck this means. Neither did she. She is very attractive, so I would think she would have figured this out years ago.

 

- We are best-friends to which i replied... good. It's one of the foundations on which to build a long-term relationship once the infatuation stage has passed. I asked her a bunch of questions about who she wanted to share things with, and who she wanted around, etc and every time she would reply me.

 

- She's hasn't been attracted to me for a while. I replied that in a lot of relationships this is normal especially if she is/was depressed/unhappy with life. With the ebbs and flows of life, things like this happen. People focus on other aspects of life (i.e kids) and take their relationship/partner for granted.

 

 

I tried very hard not to do any convincing , but I wasn't 100% successful. I don't want to "convince" her that we should be together, but at the same time someone has to tell her what is up. During this whole conversation, i was very passionate in what I was saying. I wasn't whinny, angry or mean, but confident in what I was saying. At the end of it, she kept staring at me, and before I knew what was happening that passion I was displaying found it's way into her and us into bed.

 

Obviously the end of the night confused me. We had been that passionate in quite some time. Don't get me wrong; it was wonderful, but now i'm all jacked up. I'm getting very tired of this, emotionally spent, and I don't know how much fight I have left in me.

[betterdeal]

Hello Giddy,

 

Sounds like you answered fantastically. So she opened up (became sexual) to you when she saw your passion and you taking the lead. Are you happy being the one who wears the trousers? If so, great, you just have some fine-tuning to do apropos how much / often you take the lead on things. It's a partnership and everyone has their own strengths, which you'd do well to discuss with each other and come to some sort of arrangement to play to them.

 

Regards the what to do about men hitting on her, she can accept it with grace (thank you) and self-confidence (of course they'd hit on me!) and as you said, when you're on a diet you can still look in the fridge.

 

I can understand you feeling a bit frazzled now. Keep communicating with her, do the usual things to keep your own mood buoyant (eat, sleep, exercise well) and you have a very tangible chance of this being a great growth point in your marriage.

 

Maybe she needs some healthy outside interests, like yoga?

[GiddyUp]

I am glad to hear from an outside perspective that my answers were "fantastic". Thank you! They were honest and from the heart.

 

As for wearing the pants, I am the major decision maker, but for a while I did take a back seat to some things that were going on in her life. The B.S. that was occurring in her families lives kind of over took her. She became so invested in them that there wasn't anything left for us. I thought I was doing the right thing by supporting her in helping them. In hindsight, I needed to establish a boundary which was more clearly defined. I have since told her that I refuse to play second fiddle to anyone else in her life. I will not be placed on the back burner by her nor will I put myself there.

 

I continue to do the things I enjoy. I have been working out like a mad man. I already lost ~15 pounds since I started which really helps my motivation and confidence. Plus I really enjoy how I feel afterwards. I am venturing out, trying new things and basically enjoying life.

 

I forgot to mention one of the topics regarding attraction. When we were out, we would dance together. Sometimes she would dance by herself. However, without fail, she always danced for ME. She would maintain eye contact with me and if I wasn't immediately available she would look for me. I mentioned this to her. How when she dances her "bumping and grinding" was ALWAYS directed at me and never at anyone else who was trying to dance with her. She said she knew that and that I was correct. I told her that it's these little things that matter. It's her subconscious directing her in a particular direction.

 

Not sure if there is anything to make of that, but it helps me to get these things out there for "peer review". Also, if I do decide to walk away, I want to KNOW that I have looked at all the options.

[2sunny]

Either she's in or she's out of the M - she can't have both, unless you have agreed to that.

 

Her side of how she feels seems empty - from her perspective... Did she say why she stays?

 

I'd want to know why my partner stays when they view me as their in attractive buddy?

[betterdeal]

Yeah, man! You gotta have that animal attraction going on! When was the last time you two went out together? Sometimes a little bit of fun is needed to put some life back in the relationship. One other thing I've just thought regards the clowns sniffing around her and how she handles that, she can say "I'm taken" either to them or to herself. She belongs (as do you) to someone. I think once she gets her head around that she'll be in a position of power over the whole matter.

 

It's good that you aren't going to stay at all costs - it makes it clear what she will lose if she doesn't become a "yummy mummy" type of married woman.