catharsis: Or How I should stop worrying and just move on...

[TheJiltedGeneration]

man that does sound pretty spiteful... I can see you definitely deserved better..

 

your right I really shouldn't give people who are like this the time of day ( from your position it sounds like they where feeding off the attention.. which is similar to what my ex seemed to have done but not quite in the same vein) ... it's hard because this relationship we had meant ALOT to me ( but obviously not to her), for the first time I really felt comfortable around another girl I liked ya know ( well untill the hand-waving from her part of course..) and I really wanted to relive that moment.. but I know she's a cold *****... and I shouldn't give her the time she does not deserve ( even in thought) I am trying to do everything in my power to forget about her.. I am sort of over one hurdle in that I am committing myself to NC ( basically I am emotional stage of fighting the NC but not allowing myself any leeway with it) , ..so right now having to accept that she does not care .... it's afflicting me with repressed emotions I didnt want to relive.. I think it is just a process and a stage I just need to pass through atm..

Edited November 2, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

jilted, i was wondering if i made myself clear in my response to your original post. i was extremely tried when writing it and reading the all details of your situation as well.

 

my bullet points would be...

 

1) i think she doesn't know better to really do better. she is romantically stunted. she has poor relationship skills. she is young. she is distracted with school. she appears to be somewhat rude too. ( i dont know that all this is intentional and i tend to think not, except for the ignored email parts. and even then she apparently cant cope)

 

2) i think you said i love you too fast for the hearing it to be appropriate at the time. and for her to appreciate it, or actually absorb it and certainly to be able to reciprocate it. was way too soon

 

3) she being the difficult subject..person you fell in love with, means you would need more relationship skills to handle her too. or to see that she is stunted. ( i am talking about a real syndrome by saying stunted socially and romantically. not being at all sarcastic here it sounds like you've both been a little too isolated. but she has the issues.

 

4) i don't think you should feel bad that she liked that you showed her attention or love. that is the part that got her motivated or attracted or interested in you. that doesn't make her necessarily vain and self centered. females in general like this. and unless you're a stalker, it usually is an attraction we have of the opposite sex. we like to be noticed and appreciated. period.

 

5) be yourself at all times. (disclaimer : of course dont be an obnoxious self), but i mean, dont pretend you have a g/f etc. like i said , the distortion could give you a bad rap for something you really didnt do and if she continues not the be interested in you, it could be due to her thinking things that aren't even true. you always want someone to like and love you for you, and not like and love you for you. at least then you really know what they feel based on who YOU really are.

 

6) grieving , longing and regret stink. but we cant let it snowball. it is hard to get someone you loved or still love (obviously) out of your system. it's work, commitment, time, distractions, facing truths, acceptance. (i am still working on that..this stuff takes some time)

 

7) if you want to apologize in person. do it. do it for you and for your healing and for who you really are. but do it when you truly feel ready. and do it without expecting anything from her. this is about YOUR healing, because you want to get past this. not live with this (and you wont forever) but you need the building blocks to move forward. no contact is good, sometimes great, and sometimes absolutely necessary. but its not a one size fits all situation. and timing has to play into the factor too. its not always the time to go no contact or stay no contact in all situations. that is how i feel. sometimes we need to says things or face things. then go no contact. it can be on and off. it sometimes is necessary. yes believe it or not. but you really need to know when is the difference. and the idea is when you take on this mantra and do it, then there is less risk of slipping behind emotionally. and i certainly get and appreciate that. but again some of us have unfinished business or things to say that might help us heal if allowed to be said, but you can not expect a thing back from them and you have to know that in your heart, before doing so.

 

for now because she seems like a lost cause all together...it might not be the greatest idea to say anything just yet. and maybe not at all. and i think you definitely need to get stronger. but maybe down the road, or if you feel that strongly about it now.. be yourself and go ahead and say, i didnt mean to do this or that...and include in a diplomatic , way and from your vantage point how you felt hurt by her at times without sounding too accusing. but you cant do this to get back together. it would have to be for maybe some clarity and for your own better intention and healing.

 

but you need the communication skills to do that like john grays says and yes, even people like dr. phil in his book.

 

overall, i think it would take the edge off (although anger is good sometimes) to see her as ill prepared for ANY relationship.

 

and yes, i know whats it like when they are cold and indifferent and act like they dont care if youre dead or alive. its utterly disturbing and deeply painful. but i think in her case she is clueless, stunted, and yes, young, in experienced.

 

try not to hate her too too much. even start to see her as pathetic. not worthy of you anymore. i know you loved her so there must be some good in her. but she cant for whatever reasons give it back.

 

raise the bar now, for the future and perhaps try to forgive her without making her..."right". she is not right, in fact she sounds every wrong for you.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

I agree that I might have taken things way to quickly.. tbh though its hard not to feel resentful towards her.. your right she definitely was inexperienced ( and abit clueless) and it wouldnt have worked regardless of what I did to be frank ( her asexuality being her deciding point in all this).. but its just some of the things she said that really culled my entire sense of self-worth ( just so ...abrupt .. ) even if she said she didnt mean to hurt.. it still hurt in or out of context.. and when I said how it could be interpreted she's like "PPFFFFTT. Whatever then" *sigh*....

 

the problem with the " I like how your interested in me " comment, thats all she could come up with, which kind of hurt as it suggests theres nothing else about me that's worth acknowledging..

 

 

however I think you're probably right about me also being stunted in some fashion.. I haven't had many romantic relationships in my life time ( big surprise ...) and also I am abit of a shut in too.. so I have the confidence skills of a mollusc in a shell..

 

 

beyond that I do agree with you she doesn't know any better. I also perhaps need to develop my social and relationship skills , but I don't think I will go forward and apologize as she still doesn't and won't acknowledge her wrongs ( like you said because she emotionally underdeveloped and can't understand when she does wrong..) so the best thing to do is just move on (she'll probably respond "whatever...." to it anyway) you're right she is definitely a lost cause as she just can't understand or quantify how people feel certain ways by her actions in general...

Edited November 2, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[TheJiltedGeneration]

its like 6:45pm here and still havent dont anything but just mindlessly squander my time in my room .. stairing at walls and browsing the net wantonly just dont feel motivated right now.. I might go have a early night and just see if my enthusiasm changes tommorrow .. I NEED TO continue my coursework, regardless of what mood I am in...

[IfiKnewThen]

dear lord there is a whole lot more to you than making her feel special or that youre interested in her. AND STILL that is a feather in your cap that you made her feel that wasy, because that is a feat for most men lol.

 

 

you are articulate and a great writer. you have passion and interests and are seemingly well read. you sound like a gentlemen, you wanted to keep her company at the train. you knew how to interact with her brother and how to have a good time. you are a risk taker. you took a risk on love and told her so!

 

damn you have a lot going for you!!! you explore your feelings and others feelings and have empathy,...and thats just what i am getting over the internet airwaves. i am sure its just a fraction of who you are. dont let her get your self worth down. i am sure she saw more in you too. but she said what stood out to her.

[IfiKnewThen]

I NEED TO continue my coursework, regardless of what mood I am in...

 

 

yeah thats right! get back to work

[TheJiltedGeneration]

just tempted to rejoin facebook but my account said I needed 24 hours till reactivation.. which sort of stopped me dead in my own tracks ( blessing in disguise I suppose... ) I donno I am bitting my lip not to look at her pages I really am...

since I stopped looking at her pages I've slowly started to get worse in my feelings like i have to check that she's might have changed her opinion or is missing me I must continue

.... I know she hasn't and it will only hurt more.. I F***ING HATE HER SO MUCH...

Edited November 2, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[Sugarkane]

Jilted of you do rejoin Facebook, at least BLOCK her completely. The problem eith Facebook is people get addicted to looking at the exes page. It is easy to do. But it will hurt like hell and won't help. You really deserve someone better. I always think when I read others posts, that I wish a guy would care about me this much!

[IfiKnewThen]

badenov..i just want to say i thought that was very well put.

 

sugarkane great advise to on FB

 

TheJiltedGeneration i hope somehow today is a wee bit better. one day at a time...one day at a time

[TheJiltedGeneration]

thanks sugerkane, babenov and IfIknewThen.. I know the logic behind moving on is sound... but emotionally.. I am still kind of dead in the water..

 

the vapidness is starting to intensify right now.. I keep thinking to myself Its all part of the withdrawal, but yea.. something slight came up

 

I talked to a fellow colleague just before my class today about a few people in university , and she sliped in a question about my ex... I didnt tell her everything but I said rather broadly that it ended mainly because my ex has very little empathy for things and thats why it wouldnt work out. She said that while my ex didnt say much about me to her.. ( or in a way that seemed malicious) all my ex said was "we we'rent really talking" and when she asked my ex if she thought I was ok, she said " I think so..." she keep nudging me about a possible reconciliation ( the colleague not my ex, dear god I know she wouldnt...) and I told her firmly that well it's up to my ex really to make that move.. as right now her actions are telling me otherwise.. ( and because I shouldn't have to make all the effort all the time when she has had copious opportunities to approach me)

 

 

... I should have been more assertive in not giving out my true feelings to my colleague as I did hint that I wanted to be back with her.. ( I tried to be polite as my colleague is a nice person but she kind of rubbed salt in the wound when she said me and my ex seemed so close and was always together in class, and was a cute couple..).. she even said "well is there anyway you two could get back together?" all I could say was " I don't know".. I am abit worried she might relay this back to my ex, as this might be a power trip for her seeing herself as the one to purview the whole thing, but to be honest i dont think she cares ( "I think so" pretty much says it all to be honest) I guess after that convo I felt in-fumed with anger, just marching around the campus, I know this sounds bad but I just wanted to wrangle my ex by the neck ... my ex was being polite when she told her and I respect her for that..... but somehow "I think so " just seems so ... URGGGHHH!!!!!.... ( it wasnt the colleagues fault just curiosity...she was nice to give me her number so I could hang out with her and a few other ppl I am friendly with in class so that might help take my mind off my ex... if she doesn't intermingle either..) anger is the only palpable emotion I feel right now..

Edited November 3, 2011 by TheJiltedGeneration

[IfiKnewThen]

2 schools of thought , no pun intended (as i find nothing funny about this at all)

 

 

but i think its good you got to talk to someone. i have a good hunch it wont get back to her and that if it did it would NOT be negative.

 

i think its possible (don't laugh at me my hunches with other people, not my own troubles, are usually pretty good) that the colleague might be slightly attracted to you enough to care about your feelings or notice you with this girl. thinks your a nice person.

 

your ex g/f may also be giving off some vibes that she misses you but is too proud but this other girl may have picked up on that from her....even if indirectly and from a distance.

 

either way..i hate the saying 'Move on". to me it minimizes what people are feeling and going through as if they could just poof....move on. i know its close to say "move forward", but i prefer that. just keep moving forward. this is still very very raw and you see her all the time or sometimes or have to dodge her and plot that so she remains active in your system. it kinda reminds me of this poem that i like from one of my favorite poets peter mcwilliams. My life has fallen down

around me before

--lots of times,

for lots of reasons--

usually other people.

 

And most of the time

I was fortunate enough

to have a large lump of

that life hit me on the

head and render me numb

to the pain & desolation

that followed.

And I survived.

And I live to love again.

 

But this,

this slow erosion from below

--or within--

it's me falling down around my life

because you're still in that life

--but not really.

And you're out of that life

--but not quite.

 

I do all right

alone,

and better

together,

but

I do very poorly

when

semi-

together.

 

In solitude

I do much,

in love

I do more,

but

in doubt

I only transfer

pain to paper

in gigantic Passion Plays

complete with miracles and martyrs

and crucifixions and resurrections.

 

Come to stay

or

stay away.

 

This series of passion poems

is becoming a heavy cross to bare.

 

ok its a little different. its more when youre in limbo with someone. but i thought you might still feel in limbo in your healing right now and for all the anger it conjures up. this will pass somehow and you are gonna make it through in time. we all are. its painful i know.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

hehe.. there's never a bad time for a good poem =D thanks IFIknewThen ( bit of a fan of poetry myself >.>)

 

but yea basically even if she's too proud to admit she misses me ( I doupt) from her silence I have to assume she's moved on, otherwise the what ifs will maintain a zeal that will probably provide some nasty shocks down the line and I'll be back to square one with recovering.. she has had amble time to show she's holding out the olive branch but really taking the easy way out by delegating responsibility to me ( again...) just shows how uncommitted she is to me anyway..

 

it still kills like hell and I am gonna continue to prate on like a intoxicated parrot until I am no longer influenced by her... but I HAVE NOT LOOKED AT HER UPDATES AT ALL THIS WEEK AND LAST, MEANING TWO WEEKS W/O being privy to her exploits.. I suppose I just have to overcome the anhedonia....

[IfiKnewThen]

thats good its a big step, not looking that long. good job!

 

hehe.. there's never a bad time for a good poem =D thanks IFIknewThen ( bit of a fan of poetry myself >.>)

 

hehe yeah sorry it was a little deep or intense at a time like this

[TheJiltedGeneration]

no its fine, seriously, really nice of you to post a poem that's personal to you for others to share.. ( wasnt expecting it at all =D ) I think this line reasonates the most for me:

 

because you're still in that life

--but not really.

And you're out of that life

--but not quite.

 

the dichotomy fits to a tea with me atm... how I am struggling with her memory as the centerfold of my life yet the absence makes it feel like lingering afterthought that doesn't have any gravitas in how my life is being led... so what makes it relevant...?

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah i was always a fan of peter mcwilliams from the "life 101 books", to "you cant afford the luxury of a negative thought". then a year ago i read this book. here is a link to the free book on the website. no downloading, you can just read each part of the book under the contents. http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/1.html

 

some of his love and loss poems are in there. sometimes you can feel sad reading them. (yikes)

 

its not the most upbeat book but i got something from it. actually a lot. there are more "you can do it!!" empowering books out there. but this one was sensitive and again spoke to me and i could handle reading it at different intervals. just like coming to LS, was sometimes too much for me...and then other times was great for me. emotions kinda waxed and wained . some days better than others but always missing them. and i kinda went with the flow of all my feelings...then listened to my head when i thought it was too much. i was getting to set in one emotion, so i would then give myself a reprieve and move out of that emotion. trying not to get stuck in one healing motion. anyway i am digressing. good book. great poetry. in time she wont dominate your thoughts...the feelings may linger in the background some. i am still a work in progress.

Edited November 4, 2011 by IfiKnewThen

[IfiKnewThen]

oh boy i sent the wrong link. sorry. here is the table of contents

 

http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/#contents

[TheJiltedGeneration]

thanks It'll give me something to peruse over while I'm in this mindset I guess..

 

well its offically been 3 weeks w/o acknowledging her exploits online.. I also finally quit facebook permanently which is good ( I signed back in yesterday but just told everyone why I deactivated previously and where to contact me with my new addy, and then quit)

 

sometimes I still look at my hotmail account to wait to see a post from her, but yea.. not going to happen.. 6 months.. should be a clear beacon for where her mind is right now... I know she isnt going to email but I cant quite convince myself to stop the hope sometimes..

 

I might go see if any1 from uni wants to perhaps hang out .. the whole, immerse yourself in company to forget, adage might be worth going to cause I cant keep sulking around at home...

 

still struggle with the whole perished drive to do things right now.. I did get some work done today (albeit only 2 hours worth...) but now returned to the whole lying in bed staring blankly into space, retreat...

[IfiKnewThen]

youre doing good jiltedg. good you put in 2 hrs. at least. thats focus and accomplishment time. and the FB thing...getting off of that...wow good job on your part. and not looking for 2 weeks.

 

it doesnt really pay to look. i set myself back yesterday with a note i sent about some things/loose ends. feeling frustrated now. i had a semi decent ending in my "mind" i thought i could live with and was doing great, and then i did this. so i feel in a funk today. and remembering what this funk was/is like..is horrible and sad i returned to it at this moment. kicks self.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

yea it really doesnt, I already know what will precipitate if I do, and it just aint worth the curiosity. I am really sorry to hear about ur suitation IfiKnewThen.. I nearly tried to tie loose ends myself by apologising but remember you, davestarr and Sugarkane gave me some piece of mind to s snuffing out the urge.. and I am glad I didnt..

 

even if it's just to tie loose ends, its still saying to the other person that you are sub-servant to their influence by being the first to intiate contact, they are still in control.. if they really cared they would contact you first... you CAN NOT give in no matter what.. otherwise you'll be back to square one..

 

 

IiKT start a post/thread on here if you feel the urge to rectify something that wasn't your fault.. I'll definitely be here to support you through this.. ( and I am sure some of the experienced members will also) you've helped me try and get through my little quagmire and even listened/read patiently all the endless posts of wining from me.. I would definitely give that same time to help you =)

[IfiKnewThen]

thank u jiltedG. i appreciate that. my pages would ramble on and would be the length of niagara falls making your pages looked so condensed. was nice of you to offer. i am not feeling good about myself right now. and the truth is i didnt write to "be in touch with him", but rather to ..i cant even explain this..seal the feeling of finalizing things, by obtaining other belongings that were mine. anyway we sometimes give better advise then we are able to practice 24/7. i do try to give advise from a place of personal experience, compassion, and even stepping outside of myself, but i was a jerk yesterday to think i should break n/c and it would further give me closure than i think God himself already gave me. i had to learn to live with what i got and be happy. now i am back to frustration and feeling that out of control sub servant feeling. i know i will get it under control again in my minds eye and with the help of Gods mercy. and its good to know people like you would even offer an ear.

 

but like you said, that might be a thread for me sometime. and in the meantime sorry for all this verbiage across your screen and thread. (disclaimer i know you weren't saying that at all) i am saying that

[IfiKnewThen]

ps your kindness brought a tear to my eyes. just for the remote compassion of it. thank you. its just one of those days feels like

[TheJiltedGeneration]

well we're all in the same boat so while the circumstances may be vary the pain/sence of rejection is quite real in all of us.. it is NOT a nice feeling and sometimes can effectively destroy people completely.. it's definitely not boding well with me even nearly incapacitating me to a point where I just can't do anything else but sink into my bed-sheets and occupy myself with scenarios of how unfettered her happiness is... how carefree and how exuberant she is w/o my company... .. I can't begin to imagine how your coping right now..

[TheJiltedGeneration]

well.. I had a dream about her in the small lapse of REM sleep I was able to get last night, it's pretty much a repeat of every situation I seem to fixate over in my dreams...

 

She's standing turned away from me, I keep trying to call her out, she ignores me, I run to try and greet her but the further I go the more distance she's able to marginalize away from me untill she disappears out of sight.. its just a stupid image but... well ....

 

so now I got 3 hours till work to find something to do with myself.. staring into space seems to be the only thing congenial to my mindset right now.. I might ring up a few people to see if they want to do anything next week, I kind of need some motive, so if I have friends to strong-arm me into getting out and active then I guess it might make the whole wistful thinking fade in time..

[IfiKnewThen]

I might ring up a few people to see if they want to do anything next week, I kind of need some motive, so if I have friends to strong-arm me into getting out and active then I guess it might make the whole wistful thinking fade in time..

 

i think thats a good idea, ......will give you something to look forward to. and like you said, help make wistful thinking fade in time.

[TheJiltedGeneration]

ok so slightly better today than a few days ago, got a meet up planed with a few ppl tommorrow so that might redirect my attention away from her at least. several other savior-faire to get the wheels turning again would be to re-organise a few things on my laptop ( doing that today) um research a few things today as well that could help my fiction a bit and um.. might finish up with trying out a new tv series or something of the sort tonight..

 

For some reason the fact that she blatently used to put things off near the end of our relationship is starting to resonate with me now, which makes me feel like I was a novelty to her until she grew bored of me ( which is obvious by now,just, well... the more I establish to myself how much of a bitch she was, the more I can come to terms with how the NC is good for me.. I still have hope against hope thats she'll email me, which is slightly better than checking her deviant art and facebook, which all it would establish is how you could cut her apathy with a knife .. it still hurts but not to the point of navel - gazing....