jordan1970 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 We haber been married only about five months and several issues have came up involving get and her x husband. I really don't think she is cheating out anything like that but I feel that she is being a little inconsiderate or disrespectful to my feelings. She and her five year old son moved to where I live which was about a three hour drive. The problems began when she asked if I would have a problem if she moved her x to my town and hired him to work for her. Well I wasn't real excited about this idea and she dropped it unwisely. Then a few weeks later she wanted to know of I would find him a job in our town. After that she was in dallas and they go out to a nice dinner to discuss their child, then after that she needs a ride from the dallas airport and she calls him to pick her up. And finally the straw that broke the camels back was last weekend. her x drove up to their sons soccer match and I arrive a few minutes after her and when I walk down to the seating area they are sitting shoulder to shoulder. There wasnt room to sit beside her so I had to sit on the row behind them. After about half time she got up to talk to get son and when she sat back down she finally say with me. Maybe im just being overly sensitive but her being insensitive is already getting old. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 (edited) It's not YOUR town. Its the town that you and your wife live in. What's wrong with wanting the father of her child to move there if he's willing? Wouldn't that be the best thing for that child? The guy is willing to move, to make visitation with his son easier and so she's all for that and wants to actually help him find a job to make his transition better? How is that being insensitive to you? You knew when you married her that she has a child with another man - and therefore that man will be in your life forever. I don't understand what happened with wanting the ride from Dallas. Were you available to give her a ride, but she chose to ask him instead? If so, then yeah that's weird, but I don't know the details to call it. As for the seating arrangement at the game, yes, she should have moved and sat in the next row with you when you showed up, she didn't that's kinda sucky, but at least she corrected that and sat with you after she went to talk to her son. Edited October 19, 2011 by TigerCub Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan1970 Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 It wasnt him moving here that bothered me, it was her wanting to hire him to work for her Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Well it seems like you have a lot of problems with her regarding the ex and not just her wanting to have him work for her "The problems began when she asked if I would have a problem if she moved her x to my town and hired him to work for her. Well I wasn't real excited about this idea and she dropped it unwisely. Then a few weeks later she wanted to know of I would find him a job in our town" You didn't like the suggestion of getting him to work for her, so she later asks you if you could find him a job. Sure, its not really on you or her to find him a job, but his willingness to move to be closer to his son is something that should be appreciated rather than angered by, and helping him find a job would be the nice decent thing to do - again, its something that would be an extra step, and really going the distance for him, but its not a terrible thing. Why are you so defensive when it comes to the ex? Do you think that your wife will cheat on you with him? What were the circumstances for their breaking up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan1970 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 i dont actually have a problem with her X, actually he is a pretty good guy with his only fault is that he doesnt work. well, atleast he hasnt worked in several years. as we were making plans for her to move here and us get married we were also planning a new business for her which i was investing some moeny and time into. it was kind of fun, we were planning everything out from the location to business and sales strategies and we were within a few weeks of her moving here when she asked mewhat i would think if she moved her x here when she came and hired him to come work for her. he didnt want to move here she was just trying to convience him to do so, and maybe im being childish but i wasnt to keen on her moving her x here and working with her ten hours a day and traveling on weekends while i watched their 4 year old son. it was supposed to be me and her working together not him and her. so i told her i wasnt real big on the idea. then she wanted to know if i would find him a job and rent him a house that i own. again his work history isnt very good at all, he is in his early 40's and has probably only worked 7 or 8 years of his life, so again i wasnt real keen on recomending him for a job when i knew he wouldnt stick with it. but i told her that i would anyway, but again he didnt want to move here. and after that there are just little things that pop up that bother me. she was setting for a health talk one evening, actually it was her first one since opening her practice here and i had helped get everything ready from the catering to the projectors and seating and i have a lot of my friends family and co workers come out because i was worried that she wasnt going to have a good turnout and i didnt want her to be dissapointed. well she ended up haveing a packed room and when the powerpoint presentation started i see that she is using pictures of her x in the prexentation that sh ehad set up the night before. again this isnt that big of a deal, just another little thing that kind of bothered me because she had made a pretty big deal about pictures of my x on my computer. then when she is in dallas and they need to talk they go out to a nice restaurant and discuss whatever it is they need to discuss. the last restaurant she loved so much that she talked about it for weeks and actually took me down there so i could try the food there. then several weeks ago she is flting in to dallas and calls her x to pick her up at the airport, again its not that big of a deal and i didnt cause any trouble or say much about it. and after that she wants to know if when he comes to town for a parent teacher conference if he can stay at our house instead of getting a hotel. she wasnt even going to be here she was out of town and i told her that i was actually going somewhere the next day but i could leave a day early and the x and her son could have the house ot themselves. and then finally there was the soccer game a couple of weekends ago. he drives up from dallas and me and her take seperate cars and she gets there a little before me. they are sitting shoulder to shoulder on the first row and there was no room for me to sit on the other side of her so i have to sit on the row behind then which was basically empty. again i guess this sint that big of a deal but u would think that she would sit with her current husband and not her x. she is a physician and this is a pretty small town and some of my co workers and friends were there and it was just a little uncomfortable sitting behind them watching them act as if they were together and imagining what my co workers were thinking. maybe im just being childish, but there are other areas of our relationship where she is really inconsiderate and its starting to bother be pretty bad. i seriously dont think there is anything inappropriate going on between the two of them and maybe if she wasnt terribly inconsiderate of me with other issues this wouldnt bother me so bad. if im out of line tell me and ill stop being so damn sensitive!!! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan1970 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 Why are you so defensive when it comes to the ex? Do you think that your wife will cheat on you with him? What were the circumstances for their breaking up? as i stated above im not terribly defensive about the x, just her being inconsiderate. no, i dont think she will cheat on me with him, at least i dont think so. they were apparently seperated for a little over three years, but they lived in the same house. then just before we met he moved out and got an apartment. then after about 7 months or so they filed the divorce papers and got a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan1970 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 and yes, i know its not "my" town. i was typing on my phone and saying "her town" and "my town" was much easier than saying "the town that she lived in" and "the town that i lived in":confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 I would be upset, but that's just me. I wouldn't really want to have to move someone, find someone a job, find him accommodations, or give him free reign over the house while I was gone. He is a grown man in his 40's; he needs to act like it. I am all for divorced parents getting along and co-parenting, but I wouldn't want to be the step-parent of a five year old AND a 40 year old. She's a doctor, and he barely works? Sounds like he has been taken care of all his life, and that it is a habit of hers to take care of him. Old habits die hard, and it might take her a while to get used to only having 1 child and 1 husband, instead of having 2 children and 1 husband. Link to post Share on other sites
kimmi Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 My first thought was no way !! This ex of her's has to have his own life , he needs to learn to grow up and leave your life alone. This will not happen until you talk to her about how you are really feeling. You must talk to her about this and explain how this is making you feel. No other way but to talk to her or even talk to him,be respectful and gentle about what you say but it must be said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jordan1970 Posted October 23, 2011 Author Share Posted October 23, 2011 thanks for the replies. i have talked with her about these issues and as of yet i have never gotten an " oh, im sorry i didnt mean to hurt you" all i have ever gotten is excuses and reasoning as to why that shouldnt bother me and maybe an occasional "im sorry that bothered you". i guess actually that is what my real complaint is is that when i do try and talk to her about some of the inconsiderate things that she does she never listens adn somehow usually turns the argument around to be about and not her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 23, 2011 Share Posted October 23, 2011 Her intellectual head has moved on but her loins still find traction in ex's presence and are tickling her generosity synapses. What boundary do you want here? Her argument style is easy to address. Tell her how you feel... Example (not advice): 'I feel like my perspective is marginalized and my feelings discounted. That's unacceptable. This is something we need to resolve.' If she continues and doesn't stop to validate and accept your feelings, then merely indicate the conversation is over and walk away. Don't enable behaviors which you find to be unacceptable by engaging them. Be clear about why you're disengaging and then do so. No yelling. No names. Nothing 'below the belt'. High road. That this is an issue after only five months of marriage would be a sign to me to get my and her butts into MC and deal with it. If that process found my perspective to be childish, I'd own that and modify my behaviors. It other, other. Good luck. Oh, lastly, can you clarify and reconcile this thread with the current one? The details, in particular about your marriage, conflict. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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