Can't Get Over Hating Attractive People

[danmorisson]

No they're not being unrealistic about this one. Believe me, most guys out there are more than happy to settle for average. Real life isn't the Internet. Most 'mature' guys out there tend to avoid the stunningly attractive because they automatically assume that her goddess looks must come at a price that she must have an absolutely **** personality.

 

Men look at super models but when it comes to relationships the majority seek substance

[danmorisson]

You see all these models on the Net getting all the male attention. That means nothing. Would the guy start a family with her? Different story altogether. These models on the Net are just being 'objectified' by these men.

[Anela]

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Edited November 11, 2011 by Anela

[verhrzn]

No they're not being unrealistic about this one. Believe me, most guys out there are more than happy to settle for average. Real life isn't the Internet. Most 'mature' guys out there tend to avoid the stunningly attractive because they automatically assume that her goddess looks must come at a price that she must have an absolutely **** personality.

 

Men look at super models but when it comes to relationships the majority seek substance

 

If men are so very happy to "settle," then why do no men want me? Most of the guys who have been interested in me (which I can count on two hands) said straight out they were dating me for my "personality" and felt my looks were far below par... and then they dumped me for the hot girl with the good personality.

 

So if what you say is true, why do I have so much difficulty? Am I just THAT heinous to look at that even mature guys who are happy to "settle" won't have me?

[Mme. Chaucer]

If men are so very happy to "settle," then why do no men want me? Most of the guys who have been interested in me (which I can count on two hands) said straight out they were dating me for my "personality" and felt my looks were far below par... and then they dumped me for the hot girl with the good personality.

 

So if what you say is true, why do I have so much difficulty? Am I just THAT heinous to look at that even mature guys who are happy to "settle" won't have me?

 

With respect, I want to tell you that I think you need to move beyond this.

 

If guys are telling you this stuff "straight out," then you must be digging and prodding them to get this out of them. NO guy I've ever heard of is going to pipe up on his own and volunteer that he does not find you attractive and only likes you for your personality.

 

If he is attracted to you enough to be with you … that is enough. The whole attractive thing works mostly to get things started.

 

We've all seen your picture and I don't think there is any argument that you are a good looking girl - way above average. If you just can't get over the fact that the world is filled with girls who are even more good looking - you really need to.

 

Most of us are not in the top 1% of goddesslike beings. Or even 10%. Or, keep going.

 

And "HATING" on attractive people … does not speak well of your personality. It makes you seem like you are jealous and bitter. If you come off this way in real life, I would be surprised, frankly, if people are digging it very much. It doesn't seem like a very likable personality, honestly.

 

I suggest you move away from the negativity and work on embracing all the good qualities you have, which include the way you look.

[josie54]

I agree that being attractive outweighs being unattractive, in most cases. However, most people in this world are not the ideal of beauty. I'm definitely not--you're more attractive than I am by a mile. But I've had guys interested in me because I'm funny, kind and smart (or so I'm told). So, my guess is that you're shopping for men in the wrong department, so to speak.

 

I admit I haven't read the whole thread, so you may have already answered this question--but where are you meeting these idiotic men, for heaven's sake? Because dating sites, bars, etc., do have a high-quotient of shallow guys. And if your friends are shallow, then shallow attracts shallow, and so on. You might be meeting more than your share of them simply because you're going to the places where they hang out the most.

 

As for your experiences in school, as people have said before, kids are mean. Bullies look for victims. It might not even have been your looks that attracted them first--they might have seen something in you that told them you wouldn't fight back. Think back--were you the only one they picked on, or were there others? And of the people they DIDN'T pick on, were they all perfectly lovely looking children? Or did they leave some kids alone who weren't necessarily beauty pageant material? Childhood bullies look for easy targets, and something about you may have caught their attention that had nothing to do with your looks. In Japan, you were immediately different BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T JAPANESE. That difference alone probably set off their detectors. The actual names they started calling you were probably randomly generated in their tiny brains.

 

But even if their taunts were originally baseless, you probably internalized them from an early age. And then, you may have (I say "may have"--I'm speculating here) started living your life in ways that reinforced it. You very well may have hung out with the "pretty girls" BECAUSE THEY MADE YOU FEEL UGLIER--not necessarily because you made them feel prettier. You could have chosen that because you believed what you were told in middle school, and acted in ways to prove it to be "true." I don't know if I'm right about that, but think about that possibility.

 

Although I was friendly with the pretty girls in school, my friends mostly looked like me -- not too ugly, not too pretty. Just in the middle. And we had a great time!

 

Also, when you contact someone on a dating site, what criteria are you using? Are you looking only at looks, or are you comparing your interests with theirs? Say your profile says that you like a certain band, and you see another guy's profile and he likes the same band, and you e-mail to let him know the two of you have that in common? Are you trying to connect on the basis of mutual interests? Because offering something specific about their interests that attracted you always works better, than just saying, "Hey, wanna chat? You look cute." and nothing else.

 

And finally, one word: Oprah. Have you seen that woman without makeup? (No offense Oprah--but I know she'd agree with me.) And look at the life she lives.

 

Looks are a nice perk, but they ain't everything, chica. You're still young, so I suspect you'll spend a few more years wishing you looked like Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston. And then, about when you're around 30 or so, you'll realize that the Tina Feys and Kathy Bateses of the world have just as much to offer. And you'll stop wishing you were more attractive--especially when your current looks are probably in the top 20 percent of humanity (in that picture of you in the black and yellow, you're just as pretty as, or prettier than, the girl in the Shakespearean outfit on the left). You'll realize that it's a complete waste of time, and start focusing on other aspects of life. And that's probably about the time, when you stop focusing so much on your looks, that you'll meet the guy you're looking for, and who's looking for you.

Edited November 12, 2011 by josie54

[verhrzn]

With respect, I want to tell you that I think you need to move beyond this.

 

If guys are telling you this stuff "straight out," then you must be digging and prodding them to get this out of them. NO guy I've ever heard of is going to pipe up on his own and volunteer that he does not find you attractive and only likes you for your personality.

 

If he is attracted to you enough to be with you … that is enough. The whole attractive thing works mostly to get things started.

 

With respect, I'd say that sometimes I fished, but sometimes guys really did just offer the information up on their own. And yeah, the guys were with me.... but it turns out they WEREN'T that into me BECAUSE of my looks. They would repeat that whole mantra of "Well I like your personality and that's what counts!", but in the long run it really DIDN'T, because they'd eventually find a girl who had both personality AND looks.

 

And that's why I'm kind of fixated on it, because well it does seem guys want a good personality, they want looks they're attracted to just as much. I mean, so what if a guy is dating me if he doesn't want to have sex often, "just cuddle"? So what if a guy is with me, if the only reason he's dating me is because he doesn't think he could get someone who is ACTUALLY good looking?

 

I just feel like such a failure as a woman. Other girls-in real life, on forums like this-complain about how many messages they get online, how guys hit on them in clubs, how they get wolf-whistled and get all this attention for how they look. And I never get ANY of that. It's like people don't even notice I'm female, I'm just a thing. It's not that there are BETTER looking girls... it's that I'm not considered good looking, PERIOD, in real life.

 

And while my negativity may be infecting me inside, how could random people on the street, or guys scrolling through profile pictures online, possibly pick up on it? There can be no other explanation for why I get zero/negative attention from guys (oinking at me, asking if I could get the number of my hot friend for them) EXCEPT being ugly.

 

Be honest... if you were ugly in a society that valued physical attractiveness, and being in a relationship DEPENDED on you being attractive, wouldn't you be just a little bitter and sad?

 

Lastly, I hate on attractive people privately, in my head or on forums. In real life, I don't glare at them or whisper about them behind their backs. When forced to interact with them, I'm distant and polite, but for the most part I just try to stay the heck out of their way.

 

I suggest you move away from the negativity and work on embracing all the good qualities you have, which include the way you look.

 

Okay, THIS I've never understood. "Embrace your good qualities!" I'm already doing that... it's just that none of my positive qualities translate into relationships.

 

I excel at work. I'm a very hard worker, a fast learner, and I don't indulge in bullying, backstabbing or gossip. I keep to myself, I treat my other coworkers with respect (or the ones I dislike, I simply stay out of their way), and I get my work done.

 

But how does that really matter in the sphere of friendships or relationships? Nobody cares if I'm good at being an office drone. Nobody is gonna date me because I excel at customer support.

 

So how could 'embracing my positive qualities' possibly help?

[Woggle]

You are in no way unattractive.

[verhrzn]

You are in no way unattractive.

 

Maybe elves have Photoshopped my pictures in the night, because people in real life certainly seem to think I am ugly.

[PlumPrincess]

You're not fishing for compliments, right?

[verhrzn]

You're not fishing for compliments, right?

 

Nope. What I'm looking for is either 1) a way to just accept I'm not physically what guys want, and so am probably going to be perpetually single 2) an explanation, if I'm NOT as ugly as evidence suggests, why I don't get attention from guys. 3) a way to improve my looks besides "exercise and wear makeup!", both of which I already do.

[PlumPrincess]

Nope. What I'm looking for is either 1) a way to just accept I'm not physically what guys want, and so am probably going to be perpetually single 2) an explanation, if I'm NOT as ugly as evidence suggests, why I don't get attention from guys. 3) a way to improve my looks besides "exercise and wear makeup!", both of which I already do.

It's probably not 1) and 3) you have to worry about. There was this other thread, where a guy said that the moment he changed being a downer, his social/dating life improved. He was a downer and people didn't like being around him, but it's just something that people won't tell you. They just silently avoid you.

 

I think you're hanging out with losers too much. I mean, why would a guy date a girl that he doesn't really want as a whole package, personalitywise and lookwise? You also come across as a strong, intense person. That usually attracts guys who are weak with low self-confidence.

[josie54]

Nope. What I'm looking for is either 1) a way to just accept I'm not physically what guys want, and so am probably going to be perpetually single 2) an explanation, if I'm NOT as ugly as evidence suggests, why I don't get attention from guys. 3) a way to improve my looks besides "exercise and wear makeup!", both of which I already do.

 

Explanation to 2) First, evidence suggests (the photos of you) that you are attractive, so that must not be it. Second, since that's not it, I'd focus on what's wrong with your thinking, not your looks. Third, you're drawing from a very narrow group of guys--change where and how you're meeting them. If you're only meeting them in bars or through your present group of friends, you're essentially just meeting the same guy over and over again. And, finally, you haven't explained what criteria YOU use to choose a guy. If you're just choosing based on looks, and not common interests, why would you expect any different from them?

 

 

You also forgot option number 4), which is to accept that there are all types of beauty in this world, and that you are beautiful in your own way. And, if you actually broadened your viewpoint and looked around the world, instead of staying trapped within such a narrow perspective, you'd see plenty of people who are WAY less attractive than you getting way more attention from the opposite sex, including falling in love, getting married, etc.

 

That means, it's not your looks that's holding your back. It's your attitude.

 

I'd go for 4).

[Eve]

Explanation to 2) First, evidence suggests (the photos of you) that you are attractive, so that must not be it. Second, since that's not it, I'd focus on what's wrong with your thinking, not your looks. Third, you're drawing from a very narrow group of guys--change where and how you're meeting them. If you're only meeting them in bars or through your present group of friends, you're essentially just meeting the same guy over and over again. And, finally, you haven't explained what criteria YOU use to choose a guy. If you're just choosing based on looks, and not common interests, why would you expect any different from them?

 

 

You also forgot option number 4), which is to accept that there are all types of beauty in this world, and that you are beautiful in your own way. And, if you actually broadened your viewpoint and looked around the world, instead of staying trapped within such a narrow perspective, you'd see plenty of people who are WAY less attractive than you getting way more attention from the opposite sex, including falling in love, getting married, etc.

 

That means, it's not your looks that's holding your back. It's your attitude.

 

I'd go for 4).

 

Good post.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[verhrzn]

Explanation to 2) First, evidence suggests (the photos of you) that you are attractive, so that must not be it. Second, since that's not it, I'd focus on what's wrong with your thinking, not your looks. Third, you're drawing from a very narrow group of guys--change where and how you're meeting them. If you're only meeting them in bars or through your present group of friends, you're essentially just meeting the same guy over and over again. And, finally, you haven't explained what criteria YOU use to choose a guy. If you're just choosing based on looks, and not common interests, why would you expect any different from them?

 

I do not go for looks hardly at all. In fact, if a guy is physically attractive, but we only have one or two things in common, I'm not into him at all.

 

I choose guys I like based almost entirely on common interests. I'm into the nerdy-type of guys. I don't meet guys at bars EVER... I meet guys 1) through online dating sites 2) nerdy conventions (sci-fi, anime, etc.) 3) occasionally through friends, though that's actually kind of rare, because all of my friends are in couples, so they're primarily friends with other couples.

 

How would my thinking effect guys not being attracted to me? It might be my thinking that prevents guys from getting into relationships with me, but it doesn't explain why guys don't hit on me, or flirt with me at bars (never, not even 1 time, has a guy bought me a drink or asked for my number.) So what are you saying, guys can somehow magically sense my negativity from across the street? That seems ridiculous, when posters on this board are quipping about how "guys are dense" and "guys aren't good at reading signals."

[josie54]

How would my thinking effect guys not being attracted to me? It might be my thinking that prevents guys from getting into relationships with me, but it doesn't explain why guys don't hit on me, or flirt with me at bars (never, not even 1 time, has a guy bought me a drink or asked for my number.)

 

Guys don't flirt with me or hit on me in bars either, and I don't expect them to. I think you missed the part where I said GUYS IN BARS ARE SHALLOW. I've no doubt that the guys who hit on girls in bars are looking for 10's across the board.

 

Bars are not the place to go if you want attention. Because you're absolutely right that you're NOT as attractive to those guys as the 5'10" bombshell wearing a come-and-get-me dress at the end of the bar.

 

The lesson to be learned here: Stop looking for guys in bars, for heaven's sake.

 

So what are you saying, guys can somehow magically sense my negativity from across the street? That seems ridiculous, when posters on this board are quipping about how "guys are dense" and "guys aren't good at reading signals."

 

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. And it's damn true. Guys may be dense when it comes to most emotions, but they can sense anxiety, desperation, and insecurity in a woman from a mile away. And when they do, they go as fast as they can in the other direction, to the woman who's looking them straight in the eye and smiling like she knows she's all that.

 

Here's your second explanation: You might also be so eager to have guys hit on you, that you completely miss the guys trying to get the nerve to come and talk to you but don't have the confidence. Why do they have to do all the approaching?

 

If all you want is to get guys to come to you and buy you a drink, then you want a boost to your ego, not a relationship.

 

I'd tell you to get over this, but I know you won't. So as I said in a post above, you'll just have to wait until you turn 30 or so, when you realize that it's a complete waste of time and energy to be complaining about things you can't change and focusing on such shallow aspects of life.

[verhrzn]

Guys don't flirt with me or hit on me in bars either, and I don't expect them to. I think you missed the part where I said GUYS IN BARS ARE SHALLOW. I've no doubt that the guys who hit on girls in bars are looking for 10's across the board.

 

Bars are not the place to go if you want attention. Because you're absolutely right that you're NOT as attractive to those guys as the 5'10" bombshell wearing a come-and-get-me dress at the end of the bar.

 

The lesson to be learned here: Stop looking for guys in bars, for heaven's sake.

 

You seem to have missed the part where I said I DON'T look for guys in bars. I was simply pointing out I don't get flirted with in bars... but the fact is I don't get flirted with ANYWHERE. I couldn't even get guys to pay attention to me at nerd conventions... and it had nothing to do with them being 'intimidated,' because they were hitting on my very hot friend by the dozens.

 

 

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. And it's damn true. Guys may be dense when it comes to most emotions, but they can sense anxiety, desperation, and insecurity in a woman from a mile away. And when they do, they go as fast as they can in the other direction, to the woman who's looking them straight in the eye and smiling like she knows she's all that.

 

If all you want is to get guys to come to you and buy you a drink, then you want a boost to your ego, not a relationship.

 

I'd tell you to get over this, but I know you won't. So as I said in a post above, you'll just have to wait until you turn 30 or so, when you realize that it's a complete waste of time and energy to be complaining about things you can't change and focusing on such shallow aspects of life.

 

I want guys to think I'm physically attractive. Why is that such a horrible and shallow thing? I've been in relationships with guys who did date me for my personality, and they always ended up with the guy dumping me for not being hot enough. Would YOU really want to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't really want to have sex with you, who is embarrassed to introduce you to his friends and coworkers because they tell him he can 'do better'? (And it wasn't my personality, since they were more than happy to introduce me to their parents and family.)

 

How does turning 30 have anything to do with it??

[josie54]

I want guys to think I'm physically attractive.

You've made it perfectly clear that you do not think you're physically attractive. If you don't think you're attractive, why would you expect anyone else to? If you are actually objectively unattractive, then expecting guys to think you're attractive would seem to be futile, don't you think? If that's the case, you might as well just give it up and focus on other things.

 

If you want guys to find you attractive, then find yourself attractive first (and do so regardless of all the "evidence" you've amassed to the contrary.) Attractiveness isn't just in the face and body. It's in attitude and self-respect. Until you respect who you are and what you have to offer, you're probably never going to get the attention you want.

 

I've been in relationships with guys who did date me for my personality, and they always ended up with the guy dumping me for not being hot enough. Would YOU really want to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn't really want to have sex with you, who is embarrassed to introduce you to his friends and coworkers because they tell him he can 'do better'?

 

Absolutely not, and you shouldn't either. Those guys are jerks. Find guys who AREN'T jerks. And if you then say that all guys are jerks and they ALL will act this way (which they aren't/don't), then refer back to my original point. You need to just give up now and focus on other things.

 

How does turning 30 have anything to do with it??

 

The level of narcissism you are displaying in this thread has everything to do with your being very young and self-centered (that isn't an attack--most people are self-centered in their 20s, to lesser or greater degrees.). Ask anyone here over the age of 30--turning 30 is a wakeup call (for some, it's 29). In a few more years, you will find that you're tired of all the wasted energy, and you'll wonder why you cared so much about something that mattered so little.

[PlumPrincess]

How would my thinking effect guys not being attracted to me? It might be my thinking that prevents guys from getting into relationships with me, but it doesn't explain why guys don't hit on me, or flirt with me at bars (never, not even 1 time, has a guy bought me a drink or asked for my number.) So what are you saying, guys can somehow magically sense my negativity from across the street? That seems ridiculous, when posters on this board are quipping about how "guys are dense" and "guys aren't good at reading signals."

The "good" guys see the negativity and are off. The ones who suck don't see it and they stay.

[Anela]

 

 

The level of narcissism you are displaying in this thread has everything to do with your being very young and self-centered (that isn't an attack--most people are self-centered in their 20s, to lesser or greater degrees.). Ask anyone here over the age of 30--turning 30 is a wakeup call (for some, it's 29). In a few more years, you will find that you're tired of all the wasted energy, and you'll wonder why you cared so much about something that mattered so little.

 

Actually, that was the case for me, until I started showing my age, and had my heart broken.

 

I can see everything that you're telling the OP, because I've lived it this year (including pushing people away with my brand new bad attitude), but I also have felt just the way she does - both past and present. I would say something about being ugly, and hear protests from people close to me, but I've only once had someone try to talk to me in person, four years ago (and then my shyness put him off - he'd liked my smile, and my mother had pointed out that it seemed he saw that smile and decided to stick around, only I froze). Most guys would focus on my sister - and I have been feeling just like the OP, for over a year now, and it's embarrassing to feel this way.

[Anela]

and I meant that I felt great turning thirty - only anything good I'd built up, crumbled.

[verhrzn]

You've made it perfectly clear that you do not think you're physically attractive. If you don't think you're attractive, why would you expect anyone else to? If you are actually objectively unattractive, then expecting guys to think you're attractive would seem to be futile, don't you think? If that's the case, you might as well just give it up and focus on other things.

 

Which was my (1) reason for creating this thread. How exactly do you "get over" being ugly? How exactly do you accept that you don't have what guys want? These are not rhetorical questions; I'm sure it is possible. But HOW do you do it?

 

Absolutely not, and you shouldn't either. Those guys are jerks. Find guys who AREN'T jerks. And if you then say that all guys are jerks and they ALL will act this way (which they aren't/don't), then refer back to my original point. You need to just give up now and focus on other things.

 

Again, exactly how does one find guys that "aren't jerks." I don't think even these guys were jerks... They were just jerks to ME. They quickly found new girlfriends, and by all accounts the girlfriends love them and the guys treat them very well. I didn't have what they wanted... and what guy WOULD want an ugly girlfriend? Does wanting a girlfriend they're attracted to make them a jerk?

 

The level of narcissism you are displaying in this thread has everything to do with your being very young and self-centered (that isn't an attack--most people are self-centered in their 20s, to lesser or greater degrees.). Ask anyone here over the age of 30--turning 30 is a wakeup call (for some, it's 29). In a few more years, you will find that you're tired of all the wasted energy, and you'll wonder why you cared so much about something that mattered so little.

 

Exactly how am I narcissistic?? What a confusing accusation. How is "self-centered" to be sad and bitter that no one wants to date you? How is it "wasted energy"... is it because at 30 I'll suddenly realize I'm over my expiration date, no guy wants me anyway, and I'll magically stop desiring marriage and children??

[Anela]

 

 

Exactly how am I narcissistic?? What a confusing accusation. How is "self-centered" to be sad and bitter that no one wants to date you? How is it "wasted energy"... is it because at 30 I'll suddenly realize I'm over my expiration date, no guy wants me anyway, and I'll magically stop desiring marriage and children??

 

I've been accused of being narcissistic this year, and it apparently isn't all about loving yourself. It's being so focused on yourself, in either direction, that you *seem* to talk about or focus on little else. I'm not explaining it well - but the accusations tend to be from people who are taking you in in one place/scenario, and don't get to see you all the time, focusing on other things - like these boards you've posted on are self-improvement and relationship boards. I've noticed that once people seemed to expect a certain thing from me, I would express it more, positive or negative.

 

I'm going to try hypnosis, for this and other things.

[Anela]

Having a relationship is not some absolute requirement for contentment. It is the media/popular culture that emphasise dating and being on the look out for dates.

 

I would say though that (IMO) people who base self-esteem solely on being physically desirable are losers.

 

This is something that is also obvious - I know that you can be just as miserable in the wrong relationship, as when you are single and lonely. It does nothing to put the fear aside, or the increasing feeling of loneliness/ache that forms after a while, for some of us. I was much happier when I wasn't feeling that urge, and was fine being single - but then I was younger, and felt I had all the time in the world.

[josie54]

How exactly do you "get over" being ugly? How exactly do you accept that you don't have what guys want? These are not rhetorical questions; I'm sure it is possible. But HOW do you do it?

 

For the last time---YOU ARE NOT UGLY. Your problem is in your mind, not your body. The way you fix this is to seek out a qualified therapist who can help you view things more positively. Ideally, find one that specializes in body dysmorphic disorder. If you don't have insurance, there are often offices that will provide services on a sliding scale.

 

We are obviously not qualified to help you through such a complex and deep-seated issue. You are only seeing the world in a one-dimensional way, and because of that you discount everything we say, as well as the facts of your actual appearance. A good therapist can help you work through this issue over time, so you can live your life with a better view of yourself.

 

God, if you saw a picture of me, you'd think I was a troll. (I'm not, by the way....I'm just not classically beautiful.) You're much prettier than I am, but I bet you if we went into a bar together, I'd leave with a guy's number, not because I'm more attractive, but because I'm more CONFIDENT (and also, because I'd do the asking, rather than wait to be asked.) By calling yourself ugly, you're basically telling many of the rest of us we're monsters! So stop insulting us and find a therapist.