Are Lap Dances Cheating- HELP!!!

[capitald]

Hard asses the lot of you. Its just a damn lap dance. If the guy is young then what do you expect. It is immature in a sense I suppose but don't be so judgmental. You are starting to sound like old maids. I don't think I would do it, I think it would hurt my girlfriends feelings, but not all guys are the sensitive type and not all girls need to be treated so sensitively.

[Fritz]

I agree with HT_Nut for the most part. In general I dont see the big deal of a lap dance (most these days seem to involve no touching what so ever anyway) but if your spouse is that uncomfortable with it, you shouldn't do it. Its also a matter of trust too though.

 

I also have to wonder with some women... Perhaps they know what goes on in clubs with male strippers and think thats what goes on with guys and female strippers and that worries them. I've heard a lot of stories about women in strip clubs and seen pictures that go waaay beyond any mere lap dance.

[singa]

I wanted to say thank you to everyone for your advice and just say I told my boyfriend how I felt (and no he shouldn't be immature- he's 34, I'm 28) and the bottom line was I told him I'm fine with him going to the clubs as he only goes for things like bachelor parties or if someone is leaving work or on a boy's trip, but that I'm not comfortable with the lap dances as I view them as cheating and he said ok he won't have them. I'm not saying the conversation went that quickly or smoothly, at first he was trying to give me some BS about how the girls are really pushy, but I was like yeah and if it was a bunch of girls who you thought weren't pretty, but they were pushy you wouldn't get it so that's not it, it's that its a hot girl grinding on you. I'm guessing he just didn't want to say that to me. Whatever, bottom line is he said he won't since it bothers me, but after he told me that I said I'd go check it out and see what I thought, but that I didn't think it'd change my opinion, but I wanted to be reasonable.

[Tootrustingguy]

I think of it this way: (Even though I'm the LAST person who needs to give advice.)

 

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

 

I'm not religious but that's a great rule to live by. What would he think about you getting lap dances by naked men? If he wouldn't like that, why is he doing what he is doing? Also if lap dances aren't cheating...hmm...what IS cheating? Is sex cheating? I can see someone bringing up an argument "I don't care about the person, it was just sex." Where do you draw the line? If you draw the line at lap dances, then it's cheating. I happen to agree with you.

 

The only purpose for the lap dance is the erotic pleasure of it. No one pays their the money just b/c they like giving away cash. Guys, married/taken or not, will look at girls and trust me they have already thought if they would or wouldn't. The difference really is those guys that will simply not take action or take action.

 

You did say he would never cheat on you. If you are absolutley positive, then you have nothing to worry about. But to me it sounds like you actually aren't too sure if he would cheat or not. But...if your definition of cheating is lap dances, he does it and he DOES cheat on you. If it's too close for comfort, tell him so..and if he doesn't agree and continues....leave him. Better to find another than try to live a life in constant jealousy and bitterness. Life is way too short for that.

[atthedrivein4200]

well i dont know im in the same boat as you

but in reverse

my girlfriends a stripper, is the stripper cheating on her boyfriend when yr man is getting a dance

see how the **** looks different

atdi

[zara]

i'm a stripper, we're not cheating, we're earning money (to spend on you!). It's the element of desire - from the punters getting the dance thedesire is real, from the dancers it is fake.

[lise220]

What can you handle as a woman and what are you willing to give up as a man? I'm 22 and have been married a little under a year. For the 1st few "dating" months, I didn't really care what he did. And mind you, he definitely did his thang at the strip club... I didn't mind because I was doing my thing else where. But once we became a "couple" I noticed I got a little jumpy at the idea of a woman grinding her naked self into my man's lower half like she was made for it! Then it became "why pay for that when you can get that plus a whole lot more at home? And hell, you can't even touch the girls! I'll let you touch me!" The last time he got a lap dance, I let him know that I was uncomfortable with it. I won't lie, there were a FEW things on my "Oh hell no" list. But he was willing to let those things go, easily. We've fought over the remote longer than that. After a while, I thought about how retarded I sounded. But to this day it's not an issue.

 

What I hate the most is when people say that women are uncomfortable with things like this because they are insecure. I'll have you know, I'm fine! Like, FINE! lol...Ok, well I think I'm pretty good looking and definitely confident. Even more, I work in the porn industry (and no, not in the movies) and see worse everyday. I have no problem bringing home the movies and watching them with him, I just don't think those little mamas need to be there, live in the flesh. But think of this. If you two are in a club together and some random hottie grabs your backside, uhh chances are your boe isn't gonna take too kindly to that. Let's say you paid that cutie for the tushy pinch, he pulls a string on his shirt and is suddenly in his "birthday suit" droppin it like it's hot on your lap while you swing your arms like bull tamer...

 

Now either you both have a black eye, or you are sooo left without a ride...

 

I know that women also tend to think that men cater to strip clubs because they're not content with their woman at home. Not true in 95% of the cases. Men just do things. Just like us women. We're just not so graphic with it. It sounds so B.C. but men are hunters. Their mind is literally made to think of nothing but sex and success most of the time. Not to mention, sometimes they just want to see a little slutty action and feel a kinda weird treating their girlfriend/wife the way they would a stripper. Unless of course you're into that stuff...

 

I personally think you shouldn't feel bad about being uncomfortable with certain behaviors. But don't hold it in just because you feel like you're trapping him. Let him know, and if he can't understand then there's a problem that needs some serious working out. Don't EVER fall for that "Just come with me, you'll see it's nothing" crap. If you can't even handle the mental image, then you'll end up tying the strippers to the poles and burning the place down. With or without him still in it...

[Calotine]

Well, for those that know me, you know I am going to say NOT OK! The word strip club is already an red alert for me. When a guy is single, yeah I can over look it. But if they are with someone, then no, it is not OK for him to look at other nakkid women. I don't look at other nakkid men and have absolutely no needs or wants to do so. So there you go, no double standard. What I wouldn't do is something I ask him not to do also. That is respect.

[savethedrama4allama]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

Strip clubs and lap dances are "bad boyfriend behavior" in my book. An absolute deal-breaker.

 

It doesn't matter whether he's paying for his outside sexual romps, or getting it for free...I prefer my relationships to be with grown-ups and not horney frat boys.

 

NOT saying that I wouldn't allow my partner to do whatever he pleased...I refuse to try and control anyone's behavior except my own. Given that, I would make my own choice to exit the relationship PRONTO.

 

My life, I can live it however I want too!

 

 

Ditto! I let my partner know what I'm okay with and what I'm not. He can do whatever he wants, but he knows what behavior will cause me to call it quits.

 

Might I add that I put on a helluva free show myself.

[janwa]

I am going through the same thing. For two weeks I pretty much begged my fiance not to got to the strip club, mainly because I knew he would get a lap dance, also because I didn't get to see any naked men before I got married, why should he get to see naked women. He went, lied to me about it, and then finally told me he got two lap dances, one was with two women. I didn't sleep at all the night before my wedding because it hurt me so bad that he could disrespect my feelings so much. Our wedding night was horrible. The one time he disrespects me and it was this way. I told him if he wanted to go to a strip club that bad he could have at least done without the lap dances. He says like any man, there ok that's what they are paid for it's not like they really enjoy it, they're more into women. Bull sh*t. I went to a couple with him before and was fine as long as I was there. We've been married for six months and it still hurts just as much as they day I found out. I do see the lap dances as cheating, if they weren't wrong why would men feel guilty after getting one and be afraid to tell the whole truth. I'm in the same boat as you. Our friends want to go to a strip club this month, we're going, I don't know how well I'll do. Good Luck on your relationship, whether you choose to stay or leave.

[Sal Paradise]

I think it depends on the relationship. Things to consider.....

 

Is the guy upfront about his Strip Clubbing from the beginning. If he is and he tells you from the start he enjoys going and plans to continue going you have no right to ask him to stop a year and a half into the relationship. If you had a problem with it you should of never stayed with him.

 

If the guy lies about it then you have a problem. If he never went before and starts going then you could have a problem. Either way you should both discuss it. Some women are ok with it and there's nothing wrong with that. Some like to go with their man. If he feels comfortable with you going with him there is a good chance that theres nothing else going on there besides the lap dance.

 

It really just depends on the situation, the relationship and what you're comfortable with.

[jrsr]

hi

i am sooo new to this and all forums. Please bear with me.I just recently had an incident in my marriage, regarding lap dances and i am torn on whether it is cheating or not. 1, because i do not know what happens at a lap dance and 2, because my husband insists he didn't do anything wrong (so i am second guessing myself)

I am open to strip clubs and relaxing with friends having a few beers , but i take issue when lots of money is exchanged for someone to privately molest my husband.

i guess my answer comes down to my morals and what i expect from a marriage. so yes i think its cheating.I am appalled, hysterical and disgusted to think that over $1100 was exchanged for someone else to arouse my husband.

but in this day and age, should i be more liberal and less conservative?

but again, i can answer my own question, this time with a question....., do i trust my husband?......NO.

so he goes out til 2 a.m., i find receipts valuing over $1100. he denies the lap dance, one receipt said "for jasmine" (hence adding salt to the wound)

I am not speaking with him, cant be near him, can't sleep with him and basically told him to drop dead and not come home(hysterical, shocked reaction)

we have been married 15 years. he has never done this, that i know of. now i have no trust or respect for him.

i am just a mess.

what do they do at a lap dance for $300?

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by jrsr

i am sooo new to this and all forums. Please bear with me.I just recently had an incident in my marriage, regarding lap dances and i am torn on whether it is cheating or not. 1, because i do not know what happens at a lap dance and 2, because my husband insists he didn't do anything wrong (so i am second guessing myself)

I am open to strip clubs and relaxing with friends having a few beers , but i take issue when lots of money is exchanged for someone to privately molest my husband.

i guess my answer comes down to my morals and what i expect from a marriage. so yes i think its cheating.I am appalled, hysterical and disgusted to think that over $1100 was exchanged for someone else to arouse my husband.

but in this day and age, should i be more liberal and less conservative?

but again, i can answer my own question, this time with a question....., do i trust my husband?......NO.

so he goes out til 2 a.m., i find receipts valuing over $1100. he denies the lap dance, one receipt said "for jasmine" (hence adding salt to the wound)

I am not speaking with him, cant be near him, can't sleep with him and basically told him to drop dead and not come home(hysterical, shocked reaction)

we have been married 15 years. he has never done this, that i know of. now i have no trust or respect for him.

i am just a mess.

what do they do at a lap dance for $300?

 

Umm... I don't have time to create a detailed reply, but lap dances are usually like $20 a pop. If he spent $1100, he either got a lot of dances or he was paying for something else.

 

And if you think something is wrong and your husband knows you think it's wrong, don't second guess yourself because you're 'too conservative'. It sounds like cheating to me and you have every right to be pissed. I think there's a bigger issue you need to deal with regarding why he did it.

[jrsr]

hi thank you so much for your response!

i really am going crazy here.

he had an AMEX receipt for $660

then there was a "diamond dollars"(whatever that is) receipt and on the top it said jasmine $300 and brittany $300 he signed for that receipt for $600., my guess was the AMEX receipt was the 2 girls(600) and the tip(30 each)

he was with another friend, they were golfing during the day and came home late. again, my guess is my husband paid for a lap dance for his friend too.he is very generous. then there was another receipt for $500

I am not sure what that was for.

whateva, its like i am piecing a puzzle together and if it doesn't match, i make it up.

he denies it all. He says it was drinks at a strip club with 5 buddies he met golfing.

i agree there is a bigger issue here. A lap dance is only $20??? a much bigger issue here!!

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Answere: Yes.

 

Plain and simple.

 

Yes.

[noname]

Originally posted by Charley

If you feel the need to have other women all over you topless/naked to turn you on or whatever that is in a way showing your 'girlfriend' that she is not hot enough in ur eyes... or doesnt turn you on by herself... i dunno. I would take it that way if my b/f had lapdances.

 

i think that is a big misconception based on miscommunication. personally i don't like or engage in lap dances. but looking at women or lap dances are not trying to show the woman anything at all never mind that she is not hot enough. in fact it has nothing to do with you at all. it is more personal than anything else.

 

why would you feel the need to go see other naked girls if you were in love???

 

enjoying the visuals of someone's body is not something that people do simply because they are looking for the right one. if you are attracted to the human form and you enjoy looking at it, do you just expect to turn that part of your chemistry off just because you are in love? now i am not saying that someone who knows that it causes a big problem in the relationship cannot stop in compromise. what i am saying while i can understand that it is understandable that someone viewing porn could make their partner feel more insecure than usual, it is ridiculous to expect that someone would no longer enjoy something that they enjoyed before love...

[jrsr]

"It is more personal than anything else"

based on that statement, I conclude that getting a lap dance is breaking marriage vows and

considered cheating and being unfaithful. Because something "more personal" should be done with the one you are married to. If that person doesn't do it for you, then leave that person and put them out of misery.

enjoying the human body and "looking" are different. having an exclusive lap dance or VIP dance crosses the line in a marriage.

[New_Wife]

Why are they even called "lap dances"????

 

Did the "dancer" go to Julliard to learn these skills? Does she pirrouette and demi pillet (sp?)? Or is it a more modern tap dance that she 'rat-tat-tat's' on a man's bony thighs?

 

They are dry humps to music. Nothing more.

 

Calling a dry hump a lap dance is like calling a serial killer a socially and economically disadvantaged byproduct.

 

I could not be in a relationship with someone who got dry humped by someone else. Gross! I could not be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't mind me dry-humping someone else.

 

Where do you draw the line? 'It's okay Dear, she only rubbed her breasts and crotch in my face for the money.' Or, my personal favorite 'those poor girls are just trying to put themselves through college' WHAT???? Have you ever met a stripper with an MBA? As she's grinding her butt into your weiner, does she give you good stock tips & discuss her feelings on our desentisization to the ploy of underdeveloped nations? NO.

 

Now, if your girl says it's okay with her - well, that's between the two of you. And I agree with the other posters, it should be discussed before hand. But if you, as a woman, are not okay with this, and your husband or boyfriend does it anyway, I suggest you commence to give lap dances to family and friends that stop by the house in his presence. Explain that it's not cheating - it's just a thing.

[noname]

Originally posted by jrsr

"It is more personal than anything else"

based on that statement, I conclude that getting a lap dance is breaking marriage vows and

considered cheating and being unfaithful. Because something "more personal" should be done with the one you are married to. If that person doesn't do it for you, then leave that person and put them out of misery.

enjoying the human body and "looking" are different. having an exclusive lap dance or VIP dance crosses the line in a marriage.

 

i see where you are coming from. i would agree that they may be crossing the line, but only in some marriages. everybody's line is different. some wives don't consider it that drastic. and by personal, i meant something that doesn't involve anyone else. or to be more specific not done as a substitute for what you are lacking.

 

i was talking more along the lines of looking, as lap dances really don't do much for me anyway. i think they are kinda weird (i know the guys are gonna slaughter me for this one). i just kinda lumped the two together in my response...

[noname]

incidentally, (i don't know if it matters, but i keep seeing people doubt that some women do it for educational purposes) i have known a good few women who did put themselves through school stripping. it is good money in the short term.

 

now an MBA? anybody who knows anything about business school knows that they would have no time to strip. business school is so time consuming that it is hard enough for you to take your clothes off before you get into bed...

[Kengne]

I dont consider lap dances as cheating.

 

 

My ex-bf used to go to strip clubs all the time. It never bothered me once.

But then again, he was also a big time cheater.

 

I guess my mentality is if a man is gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat period.

Whether he goes to a strip club, or not.

Whether he gets a lap dance, or not.

 

My current bf - I dont know whether or not he goes and frankly, I don't really care or care to know.

 

But thats ME.

 

If u think it's cheating, then it's cheating and u need to take it up w ur bf.

 

K.

[noname]

Originally posted by jrsr

hi thank you so much for your response!

i really am going crazy here.

he had an AMEX receipt for $660

then there was a "diamond dollars"(whatever that is) receipt and on the top it said jasmine $300 and brittany $300 he signed for that receipt for $600., my guess was the AMEX receipt was the 2 girls(600) and the tip(30 each)

he was with another friend, they were golfing during the day and came home late. again, my guess is my husband paid for a lap dance for his friend too.he is very generous. then there was another receipt for $500

I am not sure what that was for.

whateva, its like i am piecing a puzzle together and if it doesn't match, i make it up.

he denies it all. He says it was drinks at a strip club with 5 buddies he met golfing.

i agree there is a bigger issue here. A lap dance is only $20??? a much bigger issue here!!

 

oh boy,

sorry to break it to you this way but for 300 smackers, your husband can get a WHOLE lot more than just a lap dance. sounds like he rented them out for a while. you may need to do a deeper investigation...

[jrsr]

ok, deeper investigation....

What the dh is telling me is that the $300 was to get in the vip room. There are other guys there and its more fancy with only 2 girls.

I just dont buy it. c'mon, $20 gets you a lap dance. isn't that exclusive and just the 2 of you for 3 minutes or so?? again, i am soo new to this and am ignorant to any of the specifics of strip club protocol. but I would imagine $300 must get you a lot more from the strippers....but what?? I have read vip is an hour with a stripper. the clubs review only said that "for more than a bump and a grind go to the vip room". But arent all the clubs different?

still investigating. which is a sad story in itself.

thanks for your help

[New_Wife]

JSR,

 

There's nothing any of us can tell you that will ease what you are feeling. Your husband has done something that you do not agree with. We can all (me included) try to impose our moral stance on it (and for some, I use the term 'moral' quite loosely), but in the end - you are hurt, and you are left to deal with it - or not.

 

Would knowing really help? If you could somehow have video of whatever happened, or go to the club itself and magically find out - would it help? Would you feel better?

 

What I'm reading is that you are feeling betrayed. I think any woman would feel betrayed to find that her one-and-only had dropped that kind of money on another woman that was not his mother or daughter. To add to it that it is something sexual - well shoot.

 

Have you considered Individual Counseling for you to sort through your feelings? You can spin yourself in circles looking for "proof" but it seems like you might be better served looking for the truth in what you feel and what you can and can't tolerate. Just my thoughts.

[jrsr]

we are in counseling together, however this was never a concern. This has thrown me for a loop. so i guess that is why i am digging for more info. Its all a process for me. I am second guessing my reaction to this find. we are separated over it. so i need to know what transpired. my dh insists i go to the room with him to see how harmless it is. I won't go, but yet I want to know. yes, the money is a serious issue, the lie is another and the vip room is another. I certainly see your point about would knowing really help, logical as it is. and I welcome it because I am not logical now. bottom line is I am hurt, betrayed and don't know what to do with it. he wants to come back, but i feel he has crossed the line.