Lobouspo Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 so this girl I've been seeing for a little over a month just canceled on me for the second time. Everytime we go out we have a blast and she texts afterward what a great time she had can't wait to see me again...blah, blah. Then in between dates she is distant, blows me off and cancels. Why does this crap happen?
Pasttense Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 There are several possibilities. For example she might multidate, and you are a second or third preference. On the other hand a more likely possibility is that she is just flighty (a. Given to capricious or unstable behavior. b. Characterized by irresponsible or silly behavior.)
aj22one Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 so this girl I've been seeing for a little over a month just canceled on me for the second time. Everytime we go out we have a blast and she texts afterward what a great time she had can't wait to see me again...blah, blah. Then in between dates she is distant, blows me off and cancels. Why does this crap happen? I'm assuming you're young. Behavior like that is one of the privileges women get: the ability to be rewarded for flaky behavior.
Author Lobouspo Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Thanks for the responses. I'm actually not that young and have been through the dating meatgrinder. I guess what confuses me is why would she pay sometimes when we went out and say what a great time she had and then blow me off?
carhill Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 I guess what confuses me is why would she pay sometimes when we went out and say what a great time she had and then blow me off? Do it a few times yourself and you'll understand better why. Since you're not young, can I ask if you've been married? Marriage cured me of all my dating ills. Nothing about women surprises or distresses me anymore. Annoys me, sure, but even that is rapidly transitory
Author Lobouspo Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Thanks carhill....been reading threads on this site for awhile, and have always appreciated your sage advice...I have never been married, and I have been canceled on and stood up before. I guess the mixed signals just threw me for a loop. How do you all keep from getting jaded with whole dating process when this stuff happens?
carhill Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 (edited) Like I said, getting married put it all in perspective. Once you've been through that grinder, dating is like a vacation ETA, more seriously, what I initially shared was my single most important breakthrough on the dating front, that being treating women exactly as they had historically treated me and feeling good about it; being true to my needs and desires. If I 'changed my mind', I did. If I 'felt different', I did. Their feelings were their own. I'm not responsible for them. Edited October 15, 2011 by carhill
westrock Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 It could be a number of reasons. Did she give a reason why she cancelled? She is probably not stringing you along. One explanation is that she is experiencing conflicting feelings. When people have a great time they feel positive emotions, but the experience also brings any past unresolved emotions to the surface. If the person is unable to deal with those unresolved emotions or is not sure what to make of those emotions in the context of their current dating partner, they experience conflicting feelings which results in the behavior you have noticed. In your situation, she has to resolve those unresolved emotions on her own.
Author Lobouspo Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Thanks westrock...no reason just went to voicemail and she apologized. One piece of info...she is going through a custody dispute with her ex who was also abusive toward her. On top of that her father committed suicide when she was 12 and she found the body. So probably a lot of issues with men in general. Is this just too much baggage to deal with?
carhill Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Another tidbit I learned from marriage and dating is that, generally, women who are hot for a guy don't share their baggage with them until it's 'safe', as in committed. Why give him a reason to bolt? Not so hot? Disclose. Cold? Make him into the therapist. 'My ex and I had a knock-down, drag-out tonight and I'm just not feeling like going out' 'OK, give me a call in the future if/when you feel more conducive to dating' Then I summarily forget her. Bad timing. Probably still attached to the ex (I know from vast experience with MW's). Currently incompatible. Next potential.
Author Lobouspo Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Fair enough, but in general someone going through a bitter custody dispute with the ex who was abusive and finding her father dead by suicide at age 12. Could that explain the flaky behavior? And is that too much baggage to take on given the obvious emotional trauma she has gone through?
Hot Chick Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 This is not a gender-specific trait, by any means. There are lots of threads on here about guys pulling the same thing. From my own experience, I tend to easily cancel on a guy when I am not very interested. I am never "too tired" after work to go on a date, or "under the weather" or "something came up and I have to be out of town" with a guy I really want to see. I very easily have no problem cancelling on a guy with any of those reasons if I am not that interested in him. In fact, me cancelling is basically code for "I'm not interested, but if I get bored I might go out with you at another date, but don't hold your breath." I'm sorry if this is too blunt. I really don't cancel very often but the times I have, the only reason was because I wasn't that into the guy.
carhill Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 What was that line from Men in Black about the planet always being in imminent danger of total destruction? OP, sincerely, you show me a woman who's had a life of unicorns and rainbows and I'll show you a woman I've never met, at any level, from casual friend to wife. For me, the education started at about 15, holding a friend's mother in my arms while he fought off his dad who had been beating her. If I thought it didn't get any worse than that, I was being grossly optimistic. I know you mean well, but it's not your problem. The world is full of these women and they surround you. I'll guarantee you that none of them care one whit about your life struggles and challenges. They just don't. They're too full of their own. That's not wrong. It is, however, not conducive to a balanced and equal relationship potential at this time. Her plate is full. Hear her words. Perhaps, when it's not so full, you are the type of man she could have a healthy relationship with. Bad timing. Sucks.
Author Lobouspo Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Thanks carhill, some good insight from you as usual. I have erased her number and decided to move on. Was tempted to call back and ask for an explanation but really no point because it does not matter. And back into the dating meat grinder I go!!
phineas Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Like I said, getting married put it all in perspective. Once you've been through that grinder, dating is like a vacation ETA, more seriously, what I initially shared was my single most important breakthrough on the dating front, that being treating women exactly as they had historically treated me and feeling good about it; being true to my needs and desires. If I 'changed my mind', I did. If I 'felt different', I did. Their feelings were their own. I'm not responsible for them. Yep. I've recently been in contact with a woman who I basically told to goto hell last yr because she said she wanted to date to keep me from dating other women then basically turned me into her lap-dog for a few months. It happened because we were friends for a yr & trusted her when she said she needed to take it slow. 3 months later & we were barely kissing & I was ignoring other women. I'm really not mad at her at all because I let her put me in that situation. She had been trying to contact me for months. Coincidentally right after I updated my facebook picture to show i'd lost like 50lbs since I last saw her. LOL! Now she WANTS to help me pick out new clothes after only talking to her once after a yr? LOL! I plan to meet with her to buy some clothes next month & I will make it clear what else I want in exchange for giving her attention & she can either accept my offer or decline. I am no longer the type of guy to let myself get stuck in limbo & I consider myself either sleeping with a woman or single & make that very clear to woman so they know they cannot waste my time. Apparently I still got that "nice guy" persona about me & women still seem to think they can take advantage of me. The shock on their face when they realize i'm not a push over is priceless.
Emilia Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 OP one thing I learnt is that it's best to judge people by their actions and that the 'why' should be reserved for those that have proved themselves to deserve your understanding. When I start talking to a man and he shows flaky characteristics I move on without a question. When a trusted SO does something I don't get, I want to work out why but he has to get the SO status first
Author Lobouspo Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Thanks Emilia i was thinking the same thing. I am tempted to call so i can get closure, because i really liked this girl. Why would she flake out when we became intimate on our second date and she paid for almost everything. Also i gave her an out the day before she cancelled by telling her since she had to work this whole weekend i understood if she did was not up to spending time, but she assured me she wanted to get together. Really fighting the urge to call and confront on this erratic behavior!
singlelife Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 A lot of women are selfish and don't care. Yet there are some women who just have bad habits and don't think about how they behave. So just don't take it personal and go with the flow. The only thing I say where women mess up is that they seem to think they can come back at a later date and still have a chance with a guy. A lot of times guys move on. No harm no foul. But just like a woman has the right to be flakey men have the right to lose interest and not like you anymore lol. The world isn't designed around a womans needs.
Woggle Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 If they flake on you be glad they showed their true colors early on and move on with your life. Think of it as dodging a bullet.
westrock Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 One piece of info...she is going through a custody dispute with her ex who was also abusive toward her. On top of that her father committed suicide when she was 12 and she found the body. So probably a lot of issues with men in general. Is this just too much baggage to deal with? This could explain her behavior. Those are heavy emotional burdens for anyone. Only you can decide if it's too much baggage to deal with. You either accept her as she is or you don't.
singlelife Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 If they flake on you be glad they showed their true colors early on and move on with your life. Think of it as dodging a bullet. Exactly. I girl asked me out twice about six months ago and stood me up. I saw her last month and she was cracked out. Super thin, wasn't hot anymore, and she must have had a drug stroke because her eye was off to the side now. She looked embarrassed. All I could think of wasn't the reason why she stood me up, but thank god she did and i didn't get involved in that. So she failed her test. Bombed the interview. Doesn't make the final cut. She is free to go get a new job.
Woggle Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Why do people get mad about somebody they barely know showing who they really are? Good riddance to them.
singlelife Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Why do people get mad about somebody they barely know showing who they really are? Good riddance to them. What you said.
somedude81 Posted October 15, 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 This is not a gender-specific trait, by any means. There are lots of threads on here about guys pulling the same thing. From my own experience, I tend to easily cancel on a guy when I am not very interested. I am never "too tired" after work to go on a date, or "under the weather" or "something came up and I have to be out of town" with a guy I really want to see. I very easily have no problem cancelling on a guy with any of those reasons if I am not that interested in him. In fact, me cancelling is basically code for "I'm not interested, but if I get bored I might go out with you at another date, but don't hold your breath." I'm sorry if this is too blunt. I really don't cancel very often but the times I have, the only reason was because I wasn't that into the guy. Wow, you sound like a strong, confident woman...
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