spice4life Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) I The counseling will be mostly for him so he can get thru this and move on and so we can discuss moving forward separately in the best fashion for the 3 innocent children involved. That's the worst part for me. Knowing that I may damage 3 innocent children over my poor decision is too much for me to handle right now. So that part of the counseling will be for me. Excellent choice! Don't beat yourself up though if the counseling doesn't work that well for him. Don't let that make you cave and settle. I understand the guilt you feel about your children too, but don't worry, kids are amazingly resilient. They would much rather see their parents happy living apart than together and miserable. Just be honest with them in a very loving way and be their guide through the storm. Kids totally get it as long as you provide them the emotional security they need as you navigate through these rough waters. In the end, after the dust settles, they will see that you can make it through tough things and end up happy. My kids are living proof, so no worries, there are sunny days ahead! My kids are grown now and they are with men who think the world of them and love them to death. Most importantly, they love them for who they are! If I had stayed in that dysfunctional marriage, they probably would have ended up having the same type of relationship I had with my exH. My motto was, I would rather get hit by a train than let that happen. Edited October 12, 2011 by spice4life Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 You are very welcome. My situation was exactly the same, nobody wanted to be around my xH either. It definitely wasn't because I wasn't allowed, he just always rubbed people the wrong way. I always made a ton of friends where ever I worked or the activities I joined, only to see them slowly dwindle away because they didn't like him. After I divorced, I was on a date and ran into a few of the couples I knew when married and they were over joyed when they found out I was away from him. When they first saw me, they said, "look there is "spice" and she's certainly not with ****!" It was a very validating experience to say the least. I learned what suffering meant after I left my exH - it meant staying in situation where you feel trapped and unfulfilled. I've never looked back! I'm so happy for you, your story is a great one! I agree X1000 with the bolded! It is always scary to step out of your comfort zone and what you know, but I've learned that you ALWAYS ALWAYS adjust, we're resilient and often times, while scary, making a change ends up for the better and not the worst. It may be bumpy at first, but it usually works out better and sometimes our fear of the unknown is worst than the reality. Even moving to a new city, starting a new job, school, etc is scary...but we do it and get through it and make new friends, get comfortable in a new place, forge a new life and routine and before you know it, your new situation becomes a normal part of life. Likewise...I do not and will never buy any lengthy stories and woes of "not being able to divorce" as you, like many others, do it all the time and you are a normal person....you just took a leap and decided to not suffer and take control of your life and also allow that other person to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm so happy for you, your story is a great one! I agree X1000 with the bolded! It is always scary to step out of your comfort zone and what you know, but I've learned that you ALWAYS ALWAYS adjust, we're resilient and often times, while scary, making a change ends up for the better and not the worst. It may be bumpy at first, but it usually works out better and sometimes our fear of the unknown is worst than the reality. Even moving to a new city, starting a new job, school, etc is scary...but we do it and get through it and make new friends, get comfortable in a new place, forge a new life and routine and before you know it, your new situation becomes a normal part of life. Likewise...I do not and will never buy any lengthy stories and woes of "not being able to divorce" as you, like many others, do it all the time and you are a normal person....you just took a leap and decided to not suffer and take control of your life and also allow that other person to do the same. I totally agree...especially with the bolded part. Thanks MissBee. 18years2late, I wanted to add one more thing. During the whole divorce process through now, I never bad mouthed my exH to the kids, I always took the high road. (Ok, there were a few times during the divorce where I lost my cool...but I always apologized to the kids and explained why I reacted the way I did and it had nothing to do with them). I never interferred with their relationship with him either and let them formulate opinions on their own. They really appreciated that...then and now. Unfortunately, as adults, they are experiencing the same communication issues I had with him, but they still love him dearly. They understand that is just the way he is and while they don't always agree with him, they love him just the same. Regarding our marriage, they completely understand that he and I were just not a good match. There is no blame or anger...nothing of the sort. When the dust settles, life goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 18Years2Late Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 I'm so happy for you, your story is a great one! I agree X1000 with the bolded! It is always scary to step out of your comfort zone and what you know, but I've learned that you ALWAYS ALWAYS adjust, we're resilient and often times, while scary, making a change ends up for the better and not the worst. It may be bumpy at first, but it usually works out better and sometimes our fear of the unknown is worst than the reality. Even moving to a new city, starting a new job, school, etc is scary...but we do it and get through it and make new friends, get comfortable in a new place, forge a new life and routine and before you know it, your new situation becomes a normal part of life. Likewise...I do not and will never buy any lengthy stories and woes of "not being able to divorce" as you, like many others, do it all the time and you are a normal person....you just took a leap and decided to not suffer and take control of your life and also allow that other person to do the same. Thanks everyone for the support. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and start Carhill's 12 step program. Ok maybe not start, but I'll give Step #1 an identity. It doesn't have one right now. Tomorrow it will. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Thanks everyone for the support. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and start Carhill's 12 step program. Ok maybe not start, but I'll give Step #1 an identity. It doesn't have one right now. Tomorrow it will. Great for you! I do think you deserve all you've asked for and so does your husband and I do believe it is possible that you two may be able to get it from other people, if getting it from each other won't work. Goodluck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I totally agree...especially with the bolded part. Thanks MissBee. 18years2late, I wanted to add one more thing. During the whole divorce process through now, I never bad mouthed my exH to the kids, I always took the high road. (Ok, there were a few times during the divorce where I lost my cool...but I always apologized to the kids and explained why I reacted the way I did and it had nothing to do with them). I never interferred with their relationship with him either and let them formulate opinions on their own. They really appreciated that...then and now. Unfortunately, as adults, they are experiencing the same communication issues I had with him, but they still love him dearly. They understand that is just the way he is and while they don't always agree with him, they love him just the same. Regarding our marriage, they completely understand that he and I were just not a good match. There is no blame or anger...nothing of the sort. When the dust settles, life goes on. Isn't that the truth! Link to post Share on other sites
GabbyGirl Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Well you know what is best for you and I pray you find happiness and true love. Hopefully the divorce will go smoothly and your kids will understand. Please keep us updated as you continue on your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
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