Am I Crazy??

[ReadyforLife]

I am in such a bad spot right now and I don't know what to do . My husband and I have been married for over thirteen years. We have had a rocky relationship, but have remained together. He has had several physical affairs,and I admit, I did it to him as well in retaliation....BAD PLAN! My revenge affair was almost 4 years ago. Needless to say....he has put me through he**since he found out. He filed for divorce, took the kids from me....then dropped the case and we got back together. We moved 1500 miles away.....he left me and the kids alone after 3 weeks there and went back to our home state. First, he told me to stay there, then said if I didn't bring the kids back, he would send the police to come get them.

 

Fast forward to this past year. He absolutely will not approach me for s*x.The only time we had s*x was if and when I approached him. Well, a couple of rare times he said he would, but only right after I took a shower. Aside from that, he is not physically affectionate. He will give me a quick kiss goodbye,and that's it. When I approached him and asked him why he shows no desire forme, he said that he doesn't see me that way anymore and having s*x with me makes him feel bad, because of what I did to him.

 

We have been to counseling, failed. I went to individual counseling. Now he says he will probably be able to enjoy s*x with me again. He JUST told me 3 weeks ago that he doesn’t see me that way anymore . At night, he goes upstairs and avoids me, almost every night. Am I crazy, or is this emotional abuse and possibly neglect?

Edited September 29, 2011 by ReadyforLife

[ladydesigner]

I am in such a bad spot right now and I don't know what to do . My husband and I have been married for over thirteen years. We have had a rocky relationship, but have remained together. He has had several physical affairs,and I admit, I did it to him as well in retaliation....BAD PLAN! My revenge affair was almost 4 years ago. Needless to say....he has put me through he**since he found out. He filed for divorce, took the kids from me....then dropped the case and we got back together. We moved 1500 miles away.....he left me and the kids alone after 3 weeks there and went back to our home state. First, he told me to stay there, then said if I didn't bring the kids back, he would send the police to come get them.

 

Fast forward to this past year. He absolutely will not approach me for s*x.The only time we had s*x was if and when I approached him. Well, a couple of rare times he said he would, but only right after I took a shower. Aside from that, he is not physically affectionate. He will give me a quick kiss goodbye,and that's it. When I approached him and asked him why he shows no desire forme, he said that he doesn't see me that way anymore and having s*x with me makes him feel bad, because of what I did to him.

 

We have been to counseling, failed. I went to individual counseling. Now he says he will probably be able to enjoy s*x with me again. He JUST told me 3 weeks ago that he doesn’t see me that way anymore . At night, he goes upstairs and avoids me, almost every night. Am I crazy, or is this emotional abuse and possibly neglect?

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a revenge affair too and probably will never disclose, especially after hearing this post. It sounds like he can't get the mind movies out of his head, yet you still get to deal with yours from his past A's:rolleyes: 4 years is a long time to be dealing with this. I don't have any answers other than you have been heard and I hope your situation begins to improve and that your H will let go of these images that keep him from having sex with you. Good luck:bunny:

[KathyM]

I would suggest giving marriage counseling another try. Sometimes it takes weeding through a few different counselors to find the right one who could help you. He obviously hasn't forgiven you for your affair, and can't seem to get over it, regardless of the fact that he brought that crap to your marriage first. I don't see you being able to get past this without the help of a marriage counselor. It's really tough to get a marriage back on track when it's gone so bad as you've described. MC will help you to either move on from this, or realize that you can't live this way and end the relationship. It's possible that too much damage has been done to try to salvage it.

[ReadyforLife]

We went to see the counselor at the end of last week. It didn't go so well. He confirmed that he still has issues in his head with the affair. I voiced that it had been 4 years, and I have been through hell and back during that time. She said that 4 years IS a long time. We had some discussion about compromise, to which he became sarcastic, and was even approached and asked if he was being sarcastic. He said he wants to work on this.

 

WELL.....after the counseling, we talked for a few nights in a row. He told me that he knows he has gotten meaner towards me. I voiced that that is not ok. He ridiculed me in front of the kids the other night, but, it was done in a way that they did not know why what he said bothered me. We had had a conversation an hour earlier about a situation (the kids were not around), and at the dinner table, he voiced a deliberate dig to what he had said to me. I was so upset that I had to get up and throw my dinner away.

 

Here goes. So, last night he brings home flowers, says they are for peace and love. aye aye aye. Then I told him that I had to go to the store, 3 mins from our house. He offered to go with me (never does that). Again, a while later, I made a comment that my neck hurt, and he asked if I wanted him to rub it. This is not his normal behavior. This is what he does when he knows I am fed up.

 

I really don't know if I am losing my mind thinking that this is yet another cyle of abuse. This is how it always happens. And, really, I was just told less than a week ago that he is obsessed with the affair thoughts, but, now he's ok?

[Spark1111]

Affairs can make people crazy, for a long time, especially if they are not able to vocalize their feelings and emotions in a kind constructive fashion.

 

That is learned in childhood, and unlearning it can be one helluva a tough lesson.

 

However, the aftermath of any affair, if mangled, can destroy what could have resulted in a very good marriage.

 

He and you need IC. He needs to learn how to kindly communicate his pain in a non passive-aggressive manner, whenever and as often as hee needs to.

 

You need to listen with an open heart and not contradict his feelings. Then you need to be able to express your own.

 

Sarcasm is death to a relationship. So is disrespect. If you can both lovingly and respectfully express your pain to one another, it can be okay.

 

But not with sledge hammers and accusatory comments for life.

 

A good MC can help, but make sure they are experienced in infidelity. BOTH partners need to respect the MC.

 

But he cannot keep beating you over the head. Stick to your boundaries of what you need in this marriage and the disrespect you will no longer tolerate.

 

Good luck!