Ex-girlfriend had a rebound while we were broken up

[nehtech]

Alright so my girlfriend and I had been dating for 8 months or so and we started to have alot of serious arguments about the future and I ended up breaking up with her. Even immediately after breaking up with her I couldnt come up with a great reason as to why I did it other than i felt we didn't have a future. We kept in contact and even had sex a few times after the breakup but both agreed that we needed to move on.

 

Fast forward about 6weeks later. I have come to the realization that I really love this girl. I was fine for about 2-3 weeks and then it hit me like a mack truck. I have been overcome with extreme depression and anxiety and guilt over breaking her heart and that I might lose her.

 

After a completely sleepless night 2 nights ago i decided enough was enough and i called her up and told her to come to my house and talk to me and it was important. I sat her down and told her how i felt. That i loved her, that i made a mistake and that I wasn't ready to give up on us.

 

It turns out she met a guy online about a week or 2 after we broke up and started a dating/sexual relationship with him. Obviously the guy was a rebound and I have no reason to really be angry with her over it because we were broken up. I basically caused this. But the thing is.. the whole time we were broken up I couldn't even bring myself to meet another girl let alone sleep with them, while at the same time she immediately started dating a guy she barely knew.

 

After finding out this information I told her that I still love her and want to be with her and that in the end i want her to be happy. So if she wants a relationship with this new guy i would step aside and let her move on. But if she loves me and wants us to try again that she couldn't keep seeing this guy. My reasoning is that is isn't fair to me or the other guy for her to be seeing us both. I just couldn't leave myself in this constant state of limbo. I need to either completely erase any thought of having her in my life, or give the relationship all I got.

 

She made her decision very quickly and texted her new guy telling him that she couldnt see him anymore and she needed to be alone. Etc etc.

 

So it seems as if I should be celebrating and very happy now that I have seemingly won back the girl I love. However now I cant shake this constantly high level anxiety and desperation I have. It has made it hard to sleep, eat, be productive at work. Its basically affecting everything I do its so bad. I cant stop thinking about the fact that she slept with this other guy so quickly after we broke up. I know its none of my business. I know its my fault that this happened, but what do I do? I am so confused and lost right now any advice would be good.

[praxisdorian]

Alright so my girlfriend and I had been dating for 8 months or so and we started to have alot of serious arguments about the future and I ended up breaking up with her. Even immediately after breaking up with her I couldnt come up with a great reason as to why I did it other than i felt we didn't have a future. We kept in contact and even had sex a few times after the breakup but both agreed that we needed to move on.

 

Fast forward about 6weeks later. I have come to the realization that I really love this girl. I was fine for about 2-3 weeks and then it hit me like a mack truck. I have been overcome with extreme depression and anxiety and guilt over breaking her heart and that I might lose her.

 

After a completely sleepless night 2 nights ago i decided enough was enough and i called her up and told her to come to my house and talk to me and it was important. I sat her down and told her how i felt. That i loved her, that i made a mistake and that I wasn't ready to give up on us.

 

It turns out she met a guy online about a week or 2 after we broke up and started a dating/sexual relationship with him. Obviously the guy was a rebound and I have no reason to really be angry with her over it because we were broken up. I basically caused this. But the thing is.. the whole time we were broken up I couldn't even bring myself to meet another girl let alone sleep with them, while at the same time she immediately started dating a guy she barely knew.

 

After finding out this information I told her that I still love her and want to be with her and that in the end i want her to be happy. So if she wants a relationship with this new guy i would step aside and let her move on. But if she loves me and wants us to try again that she couldn't keep seeing this guy. My reasoning is that is isn't fair to me or the other guy for her to be seeing us both. I just couldn't leave myself in this constant state of limbo. I need to either completely erase any thought of having her in my life, or give the relationship all I got.

 

She made her decision very quickly and texted her new guy telling him that she couldnt see him anymore and she needed to be alone. Etc etc.

 

So it seems as if I should be celebrating and very happy now that I have seemingly won back the girl I love. However now I cant shake this constantly high level anxiety and desperation I have. It has made it hard to sleep, eat, be productive at work. Its basically affecting everything I do its so bad. I cant stop thinking about the fact that she slept with this other guy so quickly after we broke up. I know its none of my business. I know its my fault that this happened, but what do I do? I am so confused and lost right now any advice would be good.

 

 

It is virtually axiomatic that relationships follow 4 stages and that each stage is almost exactly three months in length.

 

Stage 1) Perfect Stage: You are in enfatuated bliss. You know nothing about the person, but that's ok because you are "In Love"!

 

Stage 2) Imperfect Stage: Ok... we may have been a little rash. He/she's not that bright and....... what's that smell??!?

 

Stage 3) Negotiation phase: Ok, he/she is a pretty decent person depite the imperfections. Now, how do we make this work? What is the shared vision for our future as a couple.

 

Stage 4) You've decided on a future together. Rings come out and dates are set.

 

My experience has been that most relationships bog down in phase 3.

[silly_panda]

Getting into a rebound relation was her way to cope with her sadness... She was in her most vulnerable state and she could easily give herself to anyone... It is not a very mature way to handle a break up but many people do this...

 

Now... If you couldn't get over this fact, it will be really hard for you to get on with your relatioship with her... It will always be at the back of your mind and you can't treat her and this relationship they way you used to... Maybe going for counseling or therapist will help...

[nehtech]

thanks for the answers. I know I need more time to let myself get over it. I just wish I didnt feel the way I do right now

[silly_panda]

Maybe time will give you an answer... Personally I can't take it either... If my ex did this to me, I don't think I will be able to accept her... I feel for you man... I really hope you get through this...

[TheDovic]

OK nehtec, first of all it's ok to feel upset she slept with someone else because you're human. But she was dumped and probably reaching out for comfort, and this is exactly what a rebound is. See how much he meant to her though that she could drop him so easily?

 

Secondly about the depression. I am generally a happy go lucky guy, but when my fiancee left me in July I fell into a very deep depression. Now here's the kicker... if you broke your leg you'd go to the hospital, because you can't cure that on your own. Nor can you cure depression on your own!

 

My advice, go to your doctor and ask for therapy or anti-depressants, because with depression if you let it, it will consume you and ruin everything in your life. I know this from experience, and you already said it's affecting your job!

[nehtech]

considering we've only dated for less than a year is that too early to try couples counseling or is that more for a marriage?

 

Anti-depressant medication has generally been something id like to avoid, is talk therapy just as effective?

 

If we end up really getting back together Id like to avoid getting back to where we were when we broke up. I think alot of the breakup and relationship issues before were primarily because she was giving 80% and I was only giving like 20%. I had it in my mind that the relationship was going to fail before it ever got serious (self fulfilling prophecy perhaps?).

[TheDovic]

considering we've only dated for less than a year is that too early to try couples counseling or is that more for a marriage?

 

Anti-depressant medication has generally been something id like to avoid, is talk therapy just as effective?

 

If we end up really getting back together Id like to avoid getting back to where we were when we broke up. I think alot of the breakup and relationship issues before were primarily because she was giving 80% and I was only giving like 20%. I had it in my mind that the relationship was going to fail before it ever got serious (self fulfilling prophecy perhaps?).

 

It's never too early for counselling as long as both of you are willing to do it and see a future!

 

With regard to the depression, research has shown that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is more effective at treating depression than antidepressants. Good thing about this therapy is it doesn't have to be done with a therapist (although this is probably best) but can be learned using a book, or there are some websites that also offer it.

[nehtech]

alright, ive seen the ex every day this week and things seem to be going pretty well. I definitely think I can get over the rebound thing as It was her way to cope with the loss and broken heart.

 

Today we even made love and I can feel a strong connection of love between us, however I do feel as if she is holding back or a little bit distant. She does say she loves me though.

 

I am trying to look at it from her perspective to figure out what may be going through her head. I am trying to show her that she is important and that I intend to make up for breaking her heart. She did say something that is has me a bit worried. She said that last week she was still trying to get over me and now she doesn't know what to think. She doesn't know what she wants for sure.

 

This is understandable I think because I did break her heart and she cannot immediately regain the trust that I won't do it again. I know with all of my heart that I will be a better boyfriend. I am going to love like ive never been hurt before whereas before I always held back. When i told her this she said "thats all i wanted the first time" to which i responded "well hopefully thats what you still want". This is where she said she is confused and doesnt know what to think.

 

I know they say time heals all wounds. Do you guys think this may be one of those instances where through time we can get back into a healthy strong relationship? Or am I setting myself up for a big fall?

[NordicStripes]

I really hope for you guys that you can work things out and time will make everything better!

 

I am in a similar situation (although he's the one who had a rebound... and he is the one that broke up with me...). And I surely do hope that time does heal, and that the new relationship (if we have one) will be better than the last time.

[mike588]

I was a rebound guy. My now ex.of about a year dropped me in a heart beat when her ex. became available.

 

Apparently this is her 3rd time back with him and wonder if it will work, she told me it was her fault for them breaking up too,,, something she failed at.

 

It sucks be a rebound guy!