Author Woggle Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 The entire concept of "settling" has me scratching my head, and I addressed it already in one of the thousands of other threads about what "most women" do and think here on LoveShack. You guys make love and marriage sound like the decision about what car to buy. I guess this is a valid approach to love and marriage for many of you. Sad. When people (who are capable of it, seek and want it) connect with each other on a very deep level, and when they find out that they are profoundly compatible, there is no question about "settling." Yes, there are compromises and surprises. Plenty of us find that the person we are happy with does not resemble the fantasy husband or wife of our pubescent years. But there is no "settling" if you love your partner. All there is is YES. This is a healthy approach to love and marriage but sadly not many people are healthy these days. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 You guys make love and marriage sound like the decision about what car to buy. Except that you can't go to the lot and pick which car you want. Instead, a random car might show up every few months or years and it's either pick that one or wait who-knows-how-long . . . Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Okay so do married women posting here feel like they settled? I would like to hear from women. I didn't settle. I didn't lower my standards for the purpose of being in a relationship or getting married. My husband was everything I was looking for in a man: attractive, intelligent, good work ethic, good moral values, nice personality, lots of interests, treated me well, polite, etc., etc. He still has those qualities, although after several years of marriage, I also get glimpses of the not so great stuff. I do know at least six women personally who have admitted in the past that they settled in the relationships/marriages that they are now in. Usually it was either because they felt they were getting older and weren't going to find Mr. Right if they waited longer, or the guy had characteristics that were initially a deal breaker for them, but they talked themselves into settling for the guy anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Except that you can't go to the lot and pick which car you want. Instead, a random car might show up every few months or years and it's either pick that one or wait who-knows-how-long . . . Really? I know from first hand experience that it's possible to be much more active in who one marries than to go for whatever random joe happens to show up. Jeez. Actually, some people (like my brother) more or less purchased a spouse. He shopped for and selected his wife via a "foreign bride" service. She is very beautiful and seems to be a fine woman and mother. But the dynamics of how he "got" her would lend itself to the potential that he might think he "settled" in some ways. And certainly she might think she "settled" in some ways with him, too. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 (edited) Only those who aren't desirable enough to get together with someone they truly desire. After more than 5 years I still feel a spark when my husband walks in to the room LMAO...well good for you... but bear in mind 5 years from now things may be wildly different between you and your H (like night and day) and each day that goes by that you dont jump up and leave or do something to fix the problem.....you're guilty of "settling" sweetheart.... Edited September 27, 2011 by StoneCold Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Really? I know from first hand experience that it's possible to be much more active in who one marries than to go for whatever random joe happens to show up. Jeez. Sure it's possible . . . it all depends on how good you are at attracting potential partners. If you are bad at it, what you want starts to become a secondary consideration after awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 For a thread presumably about married women settling.....it seems to be mostly men who are reporting to have settled. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 LMAO...well good for you... but bear in mind 5 years from now things may be wildly different between you and your H (like night and day) and each day that goes by that you dont jump up and leave or do something to fix the problem.....you're guilty of "settling" sweetheart.... Why the laugh? Different is guaranteed (nothing stays the same), but it may be better! Link to post Share on other sites
Mutant Debutante Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 For a thread presumably about married women settling.....it seems to be mostly men who are reporting to have settled. no doubt, xxoo. On LS I see married women talking about how great their h's are, and married guys complaining...except for Gorilla and Art. Then a whole bunch of girls saying they're in love and want to get married, and a whole bunch of angry dudes saying marriage is a trap and a trick and men just settle because they can't ever get laid otherwise bc women are so powerful and mean. And then Woggle starts threads about married women in general being monsters, and says the ****ing Daily Mail is hard evidence, and a bunch of women talk some more about how much they love their h's, and then one or two angry dudes come and say it's a lie and society is an evil matriarchal conspiracy, and that's the only post Woggle pays attention to. Now we see it again and we can all put down the Internet and go have our cornflakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 It's more like I read one bad comment from a woman here or on another board and I ignore all the positive ones. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 It's more like I read one bad comment from a woman here or on another board and I ignore all the positive ones. Well, stop it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Well, stop it!! I said in another thread that I will make a serious effort. That lovin with my wife the other day shows me where I want to go. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 This is a healthy approach to love and marriage but sadly not many people are healthy these days. So what??? STOP being so concerned with the stats around you, and other people's marriages.. It doesn't matter and it's none of your business how others conduct themselves in their marriages. What counts is your OWN marriage and your OWN wife. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 When people (who are capable of it, seek and want it) connect with each other on a very deep level, and when they find out that they are profoundly compatible, there is no question about "settling." Yes, there are compromises and surprises. Plenty of us find that the person we are happy with does not resemble the fantasy husband or wife of our pubescent years. But there is no "settling" if you love your partner. All there is is YES. +1 Completely agree. When you have and develop that kind of deep connection, you aren't thinking in terms of settling or comparing or fantasy people. When what you have together is meaningful, all you see is the individual that you connect so deeply with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 It's not that what the women say that makes me panic sometimes but the stories I read from men going through divorces on here. It sends chills up my spine sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 no doubt, xxoo. On LS I see married women talking about how great their h's are, and married guys complaining...except for Gorilla and Art. Then a whole bunch of girls saying they're in love and want to get married, and a whole bunch of angry dudes saying marriage is a trap and a trick and men just settle because they can't ever get laid otherwise bc women are so powerful and mean. And then Woggle starts threads about married women in general being monsters, and says the ****ing Daily Mail is hard evidence, and a bunch of women talk some more about how much they love their h's, and then one or two angry dudes come and say it's a lie and society is an evil matriarchal conspiracy, and that's the only post Woggle pays attention to. Now we see it again and we can all put down the Internet and go have our cornflakes. That just about covers it! From one c*m dumpster to another! Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 It's more like I read one bad comment from a woman here or on another board and I ignore all the positive ones. Why? In my mind, I reason in such circumstances that people have a right to also be disliked. That's how I see it anyway. No point hating a hater. Half the time they are simply messed up people. Why get messed up with them? I try to think, even in the most dire situations, 'that could have been me'. I then rationalise that it is highly probable that I would have found a way out, without hurting anyone else. So, even those who hurt others are human. It's all about having a personal filter that listens, (selectively) but to follow your instinct on who to not bother with. Just hope they get some help and concentrate on your own life. Half the time they won't get help and just moan a lot, then die. That's life for some. They are a warning of how not to live Woggle. Nothing else. They will not hear you in most cases. No point getting worked up. Sometimes they do change though and it is a wonderful thing to see someone happy after living like a bitch. I could understand if you are in a face to face confrontation and need to form a response but really on the internet they may not even be telling the truth! Most of the people here are very lonely individuals and I reckon are nothing like the internet personalities they create. Don't hate back. hate back and you can get drawn into being like them. At the end of the day they got drawn in at some point too and that was probably their downfall. Don't follow suit. *Eve shrugs* Life is too short for all of that nonsense. I really don't know how you stomach reading all the negative stuff you read. It clearly is not good for you. I know life is not all butterflies and ice cream but it certainly isn't all about women being unkind and men being victims. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Have you considered cognitive behavioral therapy? Maybe it would be a good idea. From now I will make a concerted effort to focus on the positive. It won't be easy but maybe after trying hard enough it will become more of a habit. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 It's not that what the women say that makes me panic sometimes but the stories I read from men going through divorces on here. It sends chills up my spine sometimes. Woggle, you need to keep in mind that for every horror story you hear from a man about divorce there's also a woman with a sad tale to tell & many of those women are struggling to rear children borne of their marriages with minimal or zero help from their ex-husbands. Women who are too busy trying to earn enough to keep their kids out of a homeless shelter to be bothered posting a "he done me wrong " song here. Divorce hurts & that pain isn''t confined to just one gender. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Settled, as in for second best, because we thought nothing better would come along? I'm not into marriage, but was in a committed r/ship for 18 years, which was as serious as marriage to us, and no, I far from settled for him, he was all I wanted in a partner, when he left I thought no-one else would ever match up to him. Okay so do married women posting here feel like they settled? I would like to hear from women. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 Maybe it would be a good idea. From now I will make a concerted effort to focus on the positive. It won't be easy but maybe after trying hard enough it will become more of a habit. By the sounds of things you have a good life Woggle. I reckon it is to do with not knowing when to switch off. People who have had bad childhoods often experience this. I am one of those people but have turned it around to make myself successful. All in all, you seem able to spot a bitch. I am one for calling a bitch a bitch, no one can change that in me either. Just don't go looking for them. I see men as equally being able to be bitches. You could actually be a good judge of character if only you don't fall into the pit with the person you are observing Woggle. Seriously now. Learn to switch that **** off or at least turn it down to low beam and you will be fine. I can't switch off entirely but have learned to realise that people are simply people but I am in control of me. As long as they don't try to come to my beautiful home, I can leave them be but will jump a mile in the sky for those who want help. Stay close to your therapist and those who really care about you. Also ask for opinions from those who are healthy more than from those who are not healthy. There are big fat differences between the two. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 I agree with the responses in this thread. The other thing is that the people who seem to agree with me the most are man haters. They are the ones who say that most women can't stand their husbands and that most married women are miserable but then again woman haters assume every man is like them as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 I agree with the responses in this thread. The other thing is that the people who seem to agree with me the most are man haters. They are the ones who say that most women can't stand their husbands and that most married women are miserable but then again woman haters assume every man is like them as well. Try to see it as something that can be grown out off if a person wants to regardless of gender. Often people get to feeling very comfortable in a position and then grade everything else by this. It is part of human nature that works for others as well as yourself if the something is positive. If it is not positive, it can be very destructive. There is always more to life. Always a new experience. Keep yourself open. No one can break you Woggle. We break ourselves by believing we can be broken. Whilst entirely understandable when we are children, there comes a time when we are active participants in adulthood, male and female. Due to my experiences being extreme, I see myself as living on each day for those who did not make it. Many do not make it, they fall by the wayside. Just don't hate. That is the most important thing. Once you get that you are free, as you are supposed to be. Dunno, it works for me anyway. I think it is about keeping that child aspect of yourself free. Most messed up people lose this. It does not matter what a person calls themselves or how much money they accumulate. Lose that and your ****ed. I tell my kids that this is the number one rule in life; Use it or lose it. Opinions are only opinions. Live life free. You are fine Woggle. I am sorry that you have not had much affirmation of this but you are fine. Don't keep searching out only what could destroy you. Keep those eyes open and keep it real but let go too. Experience.. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 there's nothing wrong with "settling" if the marriage works... A friend of mine "settled" for a woman he didn't particularly loved because he was afraid he would be alone for the rest of his life (he was only in his late twenties at the time). They are both very happy and very successful in their careers... they share many interests and passions... so, it can work. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 there's nothing wrong with "settling" if the marriage works... A friend of mine "settled" for a woman he didn't particularly loved because he was afraid he would be alone for the rest of his life (he was only in his late twenties at the time). They are both very happy and very successful in their careers... they share many interests and passions... so, it can work. Another story of a man settling! Do you know, did his wife also feel she settled? Did she know that he was settling? Glad it worked out! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts