coopster Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 just go and have fun without any expectations, and i wouldn`t mention the ex. Would you wanna sit there and listen to her drone on about her ex`s? I know i wouldn`t! 2sunny and i in stereo...can`t be bad :0
Author Surfer203 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 I follow guys... however, part of me feels like regardless of my situation I do not want to miss an opportunity of any sort in my life. I have put too much time aside that was wasted. What happens if this woman is great for me and we get along amazingly? What happens if my stbxw was not meant for me but this new woman is? You never know really. Regret is something I no longer will experience in my life - this is because everything we do is a learning experience and means something on some level. This might not turn into a relationship, maybe just a friendship, maybe nothing - but at least it makes me feel like there are options out there and that I am a desireable person. It feels good, I feel good.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Remember to think of HER... That way it has a chance of being a good start.
Author Surfer203 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 2sunny: I will certainly do that. I am a very caring and sweet person, however in my marriage that worked against me and I was taken advantage of and never got the appreciation I deserved. Now, I see things differently and I deserve respect and to be treated the same way back. I know initially though, I have to not be full of myself and be very into her in terms of getting to know her, letting her talk about herself etc.
LifesontheUp Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Hello Surfer, Just wanted to say that it wasn't very long ago you were wanting your marriage to work. And in fact you have been trying for a very long time to get this to happen. You ain't over your marriage that quickly, so I'm sorry but I think you are jumping in before you have dealt with the death of your marriage and the impending divorce. Until you have dealt with the baggage you now have as a result of your failed marriage, you are prime for getting hurt very easily whether you think so or not. Don't mean to be doom and gloom, but I remember the thousands of posts from your threads Surfer and they weren't that long ago.
Author Surfer203 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Lifesontheup: No, you don't know me in real life. I am in a completely different mental space - I would consider myself healthy in terms of mental health and swallowing the death of my marriage - this has gone on for over a year and a half. I think I cut the cord a few months back and finally was able to get over it.
coopster Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Lifesontheup: No, you don't know me in real life. I am in a completely different mental space - I would consider myself healthy in terms of mental health and swallowing the death of my marriage - this has gone on for over a year and a half. I think I cut the cord a few months back and finally was able to get over it. bout frigging time!! you deserve to be happy, don`t rush looking for it thou. Find yourself properly i think she/he was getting at? _
Author Surfer203 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 Thanks coopster... you know, I had several opportunities with women in the past year or so.. I didn't act on any of them. I am finally at a point where I am ready for at least a casual relationship or friendship with another woman. No harm in that in my opinion, but I have been wrong before.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Lifesontheup: No, you don't know me in real life. I am in a completely different mental space - I would consider myself healthy in terms of mental health and swallowing the death of my marriage - this has gone on for over a year and a half. I think I cut the cord a few months back and finally was able to get over it. The value is in allowing your experience with your exW to digest... And then look at it all from the other side... You know - perspective... There isn't a chance in hell that you are on the other side yet. Sheez- she just moved out of YOUR personal space a few days ago! You just had her around your life within the past few days - and now not even a weekend goes by without a new date... Not enough time to process what needs to be addressed - learn from that - acknowledge what happened, how you participated, know what a healthy boundary looks like - what to do, what YOU ARE NOT GOING to DO in the future. What is YOUR new boundary surfer? Do you even know? If YOU don't know - then when will you know? And why start anything new until you ABSOLUTELY understand without reservation how YOU will and will NOT participate in ANY relationship? Where have YOU GROWN in all this? What exactly have YOU learned? There is a LESSON in EVERY $hitty situation we experience! I'd love to understand what lesson YOU have learned from all of this...
worldgonewrong Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I support you, Surfer203. you've had a long year. No sense in sitting around like a monk in his sparse room. Life goes on. You'll still be absorbing the lessons even while having FUN.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 What is offered to this new gal is a man who doesn't yet understand how to be the best HIM he can be. That is why I don't see a good reason to start dating yet until he has addressed what got him in that place in his M - the place that ALLOWED her to treat him so poorly and continue taking her bad behavior - meanwhile acting as if that was acceptable! You are likely to choose the same this time too - if you don't find out how to DO things completely opposite of the way you did them with your wife! Seriously - its way too soon... You have work to do for yourself before getting distracted with another gal at this point. You are only offering your broken self to her by going on a date.
Author Surfer203 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 I'm with WGW - thanks bud! 2sunny: Why are you attacking me now, a page back you were giving me advice! I'm confused. Anyway, my stbxw was out of the house 90% of the time that I was there. So it's as if we have lived apart for a long time. I bet husbands who share custody see their ex wives more than I did the past bit. She was RARELY home, I am so disconnected from that woman it's unbelievable. Looking back I was an ass and really didn't man up. I should have listened to you all as I mentioned prior. Many lessons have been learned and there are many more to learn. That's life and I will not stop having "fun" as WGW puts it. I think that is imperative to healing further and being who I am/was.
coopster Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Thanks coopster... you know, I had several opportunities with women in the past year or so.. I didn't act on any of them. I am finally at a point where I am ready for at least a casual relationship or friendship with another woman. No harm in that in my opinion, but I have been wrong before. i concur...theres is no harm in that!! like i said in p.m ...gotta ignore some things. good to see you smile again
coopster Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 What is offered to this new gal is a man who doesn't yet understand how to be the best HIM he can be. That is why I don't see a good reason to start dating yet until he has addressed what got him in that place in his M - the place that ALLOWED her to treat him so poorly and continue taking her bad behavior - meanwhile acting as if that was acceptable! You are likely to choose the same this time too - if you don't find out how to DO things completely opposite of the way you did them with your wife! Seriously - its way too soon... You have work to do for yourself before getting distracted with another gal at this point. You are only offering your broken self to her by going on a date. Ireally don`t think he`s going to propose to her...do you?
Author Surfer203 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Posted March 6, 2012 coopster: Thank you, friend. Smiling more than I have in over a year and a half and it feels great. You are right, not going to be proposing any time soon to any one and potentially never again!
Steadfast Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I follow guys... however, part of me feels like regardless of my situation I do not want to miss an opportunity of any sort in my life. I have put too much time aside that was wasted. This might not turn into a relationship, maybe just a friendship, maybe nothing - but at least it makes me feel like there are options out there and that I am a desireable person. It feels good, I feel good. So do cheaters surfer. For awhile. Someday, hopefully, you'll look past the superficial aspect of feeling and at what makes true, sustainable substance. Regret is something I no longer will experience in my life. You are a fool. The only way to guarantee that you'll never experience regret would be to cut off all contact with humanity. No question however, that you'd ultimately regret doing that. Surfer, the key to living a successful, full life isn't avoiding problems, it's learning how to deal with them. Anyone can smile and be happy when everything is going their way. The true test of a person's character is the ability to remain positive under any circumstance. Seeing as how trials and tribulations are unavoidable, isn't that a good skill set to master? I'm not trying to rain on your parade. I'm not only giving you the benefit of my experience, but the time-tested logic and approach to recovering from betrayal and rejection. The answer is not another woman. That's at the finish line...and you haven't started the race yet! You're still married. Take good advice surfer. Reject worthless coddling. You've earned nothing.
jaymz Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 I dont think 2sunny is attacking you, she (and steadfast earlier) is giving you some great advice which I think you need to at least concider. I was in the same kind of position back in october last year. Met a girl and thought I was ready for a relationship. We had a great couple of weeks before I realsied that I talked about "we" doing things (my ex and I) to this girl the entire time. I then had another 3 day bought of depression caused by the STBXW going on our family holiday with scumbag and my kids. This was the breaking point for her as I had shown that I completely wasnt ready for another relationship and treated her badly, not intentional I might add. So I did the adult thing, apologised to her about my behaviour and ended the relationship and kept NC. I really ****ed up. I shouldnt have gone into a relationship and instead maybe had her as a friend instead. Now I have ruined that. I regret it as I hurt her, even if it was unintentional, she was aware of my situation etc, it still happend. This is just my experince.
jaymz Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Sure coopster, hindsight is great. I think surfer should go out and have fun, make new friends, etc. But remember there is another person involved too.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 who cares about her?! Do YOU know her?? This is about surfer, and his needs, and wants...and more than likely by now...lusts So he just locks himself away till the divorce is done? Who cares about her? I rest my case... Using a gal so he feels better isn't nice.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 Four and have fun with friends... While the D is pending. In the meantime - work on addressing your disappointment and anger toward your wife - so you can allow some HEALING to begin! When a few months go by and you realize you are happy and content with just yourself - and you haven't thought of or spoken about your wife in that time - that is when it's time to consider dating... I'm happy to see you moving forward Surfer - just do the work with your counselor before starting your next phase with a woman. Learn how NOT to hand any woman that much power again. This is boundaries. And work on good, healthy balance. Proper order is key. I don't see how all that could be accomplished since last week... It just simply isn't realistic. Jumping in too soon = someone will get hurt.
2sunny Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 The state you're in - you are likely to attract someone as beat up as you - like energy attracts...
Steadfast Posted March 6, 2012 Posted March 6, 2012 He`s moving on ...and about time A new woman, possibly a new relationship or just some random sex (all of which were mentioned by surfer as hopeful possibilities) is not moving on. Not good advice. Sorry. I disagree. And just because we are wronged in life does not give us a free pass to do the same to someone else. IMO, the threat is that Surfer can make his life worse -not better- by making the wrong decisions. And dating when you're still married is one of them. For the new gal; a big red flag of neediness and self-centered want. No matter how nice he is to her, no matter how well he listens. No matter what. The worse part? Having sex with someone else too soon can (and often does) send the betrayed on a downward spiral of depression and confusion. Why, even out of sheer consolation and care for the guy, would you wish to risk that? Especially someone who has openly confessed that he's hyper-sensitive. It's a classic lose-lose. And it's been played out here over and over. Damn people, grow a brain. Nobody wants anyone to sit by the window holding a candle for the rest of their lives. But there is a process. It's important.
2sunny Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 If you need to get laid - simply cover it and pay for that. If you need friendship and company - for now rely on family and friends that know you.
2sunny Posted March 7, 2012 Posted March 7, 2012 The evidence shows he's not ready... He's still posting in his thread that states he's STILL hanging on...
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