2sunny Posted November 28, 2011 Posted November 28, 2011 On a regular basis "normal people" aren't driving around at 4am. Normal people are asleep at home! Did you even ask why? What she was doing driving at that hour? Cocaine comes to mind or some altering drug activity. The OM was surely in the recipe - yet did you ask to see blood test results from the hospital? Her anger - it was because she needs to cover up what was REALLY happening - so she distracts you with anger even though she knows she needs to use you to rescue her. She's hiding SO MUCH! You need answers. Get blood test results from her hospital stay. Track her actions with a GPS device and start finding out some truths about what she really has going on. She isn't going to tell you - and you need to move forward knowing it's not you - it's just her bad behavior that you seem to be willing to overlook - so that you can rescue. Stop the rescue! You can't save her from herself - and her self destructive behavior. Cut her loose!
michaelhopes Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Weird..I have not been here for almost 1 year....Here's what I wrote to you 1 year ago.... Dude, if I was you I would go on with your life as if she left you 5 years ago...If she says I made a mistake and she wants to fix things then deal with that later. For now anything you do to get her back will backfire on you sooner or later and you will regret it. What would you be doing now if she left you 5 years ago? Not still chasing after her or spending your time stressing over what she may or may not do I hope. She's working you over.... Do a 180 and head the other way. Not with anger or resentment or revenge, but as if it was over a long time ago.... Dont buy into this "she's confused" krap. Why would you want to be with ANYBODY if they dont want to be with you? Real love is there or it isnt...plain and simple
Yasuandio Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Surfer, I read your list of your wife's reasons for why she is leaving the marriage (from your post back in October), and your intuitive feeling that it was a bunch of BS. I see you cannot walk away from her and you don't know why. I see she bursts into tears often and you cannot understand that. I believe the answer to all these strange things, is that your wife is seeing another man (either the same one as before -- most likely, or another one). When a woman says she is not in love with you anymore, it simply means she is in love with another man, but she cannot show you her hand, so she leaves THAT part out. She cries because she is feeling guilty, and stuck. She does not want you back -- and she would gladly go on forward with the other man, but he probably will not move forward with her. So she likely is just continuing to see him on his terms. When she sleeps over at her 'friend's' house, she is actually with her boyfriend. I also think her two new jobs may not be where she is, all of the time. She is living a duplicitous life and your subconscious is picking up on all the subtleties, but you are blinded to her real actions. So long as you continue to live in the dark, she will continue to milk you, and deceive you. No doubt she feels 'stuck' but not so bad that she will spill the beans about herself, and not enough to rock the boat which would change the status quo which she is comfortable with. So long as she is in the Know, and you are not, she feels she has power and control. The antidote to this uncertainty and crazy-making, is to get at the TRUTH... if you do not uncover her lies, you will remain stuck, as you have been, and unable to follow up on your decision to divorce her, or to move forward with any solid actions because you cannot move forward if you don't even know where the hell you stand. You do not truly know where you stand with her. = My take on this. Surfer, Athena has provided you with a dead accurate analysis, in the most tactful and diplomatic way. Based on many many readings, actually hundreds of reading on this topic, Surfer, -- IMO, she has issued nailed but good. I would refer you to this recent book I've read entitled "the Gaslight Effect," by Dr. Robin Stern. Sometimes, when we are smack dab in the middle of the situation, or are the "gaslightee" -- we just cannot see the wool being pulled over out eyes. In some cases, I believe, we really may not want to see it. At least I have been there. Wakey, wakey, Surfer. OK. You obviously won't at this time protect yourself legally. At the very least, take the tip Mr. Ballerfamily gave you for a cheap method to get collect the evidence. If u collect the goods -- keep you mouth shut. This sort of evidence does not hold up in court unless it is done by a professional. Furthermore, a PI told me there are some laws in some states that prevent you from putting a voice activated tape recorder in another's car (therefore, I'm not suggesting you do that until you obtain legal advice on that idea). Never, never show your badge! That mean if you find out something -- don't let on that you know it. Do not get caught following her, either. That is what a GPS is for. Good luck to you.
2sunny Posted November 29, 2011 Posted November 29, 2011 Go read a thread by Ultraman. He's showing what action and integrity look like. It didn't take him long to figure out what to DO next. Looks like his self respect is intact and he's not falling for his wife's manipulations. Might help.
jaymz Posted November 30, 2011 Posted November 30, 2011 Surfer, not posted for 5 days or so, I hope that's because your getting the lawyer, packing her stuff up and chucking her out!
PSG Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Surfer...hope you are okay.....and aren't having too rough of a time during the holiday season. Always hard!
Author Surfer203 Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Thanks for all of your responses. I have stopped posting here for a reason, when I post here it hurts too much. I have been healing and getting along better with out reading 100 peoples advice. I DO appreciate all of it but it led me in too many directions and to be honest made things worse for me in the past at times because I tried to follow advice that didn't jive with my beliefs and feelings as to what I thought was the right path to take/way to react/etc. I am happy to say I have come to terms with my marriage being over finally. We are meeting with a mediator after the holidays (can't do it before logistically) So, it's done. She is not happy and does not know why. She still has no answers as to why she does not want to be married. She admits to being happy last summer right before the marriage fell apart. Nothing adds up still and that is extremely difficult for me to swallow. However, I really want both of us to be happy in life even if it's not together. I have climbed the hill and am at the peak - looking down and ready to make my descent finally. I am not thrilled at where my marriage ended up but I am looking forward to rebulding a more rewarding and happy life for myself. Sorry to alarm any of you by my abscence, I am still alive and haven't given up on myself and never will. Thanks for all of the love and support you have all shared. I am sure things will get hard again one the divorce is under way and once it is officially over but for now, I realize that I will be better off with out her. She has too many issues that she needs to deal with and is way too selfish to care about any other than herself. I deserve way better than that and I will find that one day. For not, onward.
PegNosePete Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I am not thrilled at where my marriage ended up Join the club dude. I don't think many people on the "separation and divorce" forum are I don't blame you for not posting dude. It didn't seem to help. All the best and hope you (and everyone else) find happiness. Keep us up to date and if you need any advice you know where we are
Author Surfer203 Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 PNP: I appreciate your understanding and all of your help through out the process. You are absolutely right, the advice I was getting here was not helping me specifically. The comfort I received at times was helpful and the ability to vent was too. I will be posting more in the future as needed. Thanks again all.
Author Surfer203 Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Counting down the days until I can get this woman out of my house and life for good. Waiting until after the holidays to file. We discussed mediation and it's finally going to happen after over a year of me being a stupid idiot. I have finally seen the light, it stinks that it took me so long. I realize she is just not a good person and certainly not right for me anymore. I still love her and think she is beautiful but it's over. She has damaged things so much and ruined any relationship she had with me and my family. I could never go back. I am finding it hard to wait though, I just want this to be over and move on. I know many of you will say "then file right now!" - I really NEED a good holiday season this year, I need family and friends and happiness. I can't be dealing with the divorce right now. Trying to be positive, happy and move forward.
jstobo Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Counting down the days until I can get this woman out of my house and life for good. Waiting until after the holidays to file. We discussed mediation and it's finally going to happen after over a year of me being a stupid idiot. I have finally seen the light, it stinks that it took me so long. I realize she is just not a good person and certainly not right for me anymore. I still love her and think she is beautiful but it's over. She has damaged things so much and ruined any relationship she had with me and my family. I could never go back. I am finding it hard to wait though, I just want this to be over and move on. I know many of you will say "then file right now!" - I really NEED a good holiday season this year, I need family and friends and happiness. I can't be dealing with the divorce right now. Trying to be positive, happy and move forward. I was you last holiday season Surfer. We went through the motions as well to get through it. At this point, you have made up your mind, so why put the petal to the medal to get everything done. I agree with you. Just breath right now. It's going to be a tough 2012, but it's all necessary to ultimately get you to a better place in life!
Owl Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Hang in there, Surfer. It's only a short time more until you'll be in a position to take action. There's probably plenty to do to work towards that end in the mean time. Make sure that your finances are completely seperated. Start working through who is going to get what as far as the household items. Start packing boxes now if you need to. Taking that action can help you feel like things are progressing towards resolution, and cut down on some of your time later once the official effort is underway.
Author Surfer203 Posted December 19, 2011 Author Posted December 19, 2011 Thanks guys! Some positive things I can say about this situation... 1. Divorce in the state I live in only takes 90 days from filing 2. My wife has agreed to mediation and making as painless as possible 3. I have felt divorced from my wife for a very long time now due to her behavior and the state of our relationship, so it won't be such a different change of my life/lifestyle when it finally does happen. Good points you make, there are things I can start doing and I'm sure some of them will help to start making me feel better.
reboot Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Don't expect too much too soon. Divorce is harder than a death in many ways.
jaymz Posted December 19, 2011 Posted December 19, 2011 Hey surfer, glad you are moving in a direction and getting things done. Once the divorce is all done then a brand new life and adventures await!
Author Surfer203 Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 reboot: I hear you, I fear that it will be harder than I am anticipating. jaymz: I am incredibly excited for life, have been getting out there a lot already and life is fun and very good! _ My wife is also makes this easy on me, last night I asked her a simple question and got a sarcastic response, which led me into anger. She decided instead of talking to leave the house immediately and not come back for hours and hours until I was asleep. What a lame, pathetic coward. I need a WOMAN in my life who can face challenges and stand up to the world and whatever it throws at her.
debtman Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 Good for you surfer!! Getting some things finalized will help you move on and get your feet and emotions back under you again. Now, the key to remember here is that she no longer should have the right to control your emotions anymore. Next time she says something sarcastic to you, don't buy into it. She WANTS to make you mad, to prove to herself that she made the right choice. Just let it go, tell yourself she's not worth it and you're better off not having to deal with her anymore. Also, you want to be able to go into mediation with a clear head. Mediation is not easy. The key is to get through it with as little emotion and as fairly as possible. Sitting in that office with her and the mediator will force some issues out that she will not want to deal with. Don't add your perspective, let the mediator handle the communication. Good luck and keep posting...
2sunny Posted December 20, 2011 Posted December 20, 2011 No need to step in with any emotional response at this point. Asking a question- IF she isn't giving a clear answer - simply say "it's a yes or no question - so is your answer yes or no?"
jaymz Posted December 23, 2011 Posted December 23, 2011 Now, the key to remember here is that she no longer should have the right to control your emotions anymore. Next time she says something sarcastic to you, don't buy into it. She WANTS to make you mad, to prove to herself that she made the right choice. Just let it go, tell yourself she's not worth it and you're better off not having to deal with her anymore. Also, you want to be able to go into mediation with a clear head. This is hard to do as biting is so easy. I try and count to 10 before saying anything to my STBXW, gives me a moment to gather my thoughts and stop the first thing that jumps into my head. If i cant then I say I will get back to her, then the extra time gives me a chance to calm down and formulate my thoughts. Mediation is not easy. The key is to get through it with as little emotion and as fairly as possible. Sitting in that office with her and the mediator will force some issues out that she will not want to deal with. Don't add your perspective, let the mediator handle the communication. I will be seeing the mediator soon, but for me it will just be sorting out the finances and deciding a schedule with the kids, hopefully be pretty straightforward. What else is involved that will "force some issues"?
Author Surfer203 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 Nothing new going on yet, still waiting for my wife to get back from her visit to family for the holidays. Divorce is still under way. Maybe it was the holidays but I was feeling nostalgic and missing her a bit. We didn't speak more than 2 lines of text for about a week. It is nice to have my own time and freedom to do what I want but I have to admit it's kind of lonely.
2sunny Posted December 29, 2011 Posted December 29, 2011 Look within... Happiness cannot be found outside of yourself. You have work to do. Chop chop - time's a wasting while you're standing still = move forward. Change is good - change everything. It will invoke strength and hope.
Author Surfer203 Posted December 29, 2011 Author Posted December 29, 2011 2sunny: I am getting there, I really am. Started to actually live MY life. It's great in many ways. I have reunited with many old friends and even made some new ones. I am getting out a lot more, working out more and playing guitar more. Starting to feel like myself again (before I met me wife). It's been nice but of course there are lonely points and sad times, I keep telling myself that it is a rollercoaster of emotions and to expect the highs and lows. I would say that I would not consider myself depressed anymore... just a bit sad and confused still.
LifesontheUp Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 It's been nice but of course there are lonely points and sad times, I keep telling myself that it is a rollercoaster of emotions and to expect the highs and lows. I would say that I would not consider myself depressed anymore... just a bit sad and confused still. Yes its one heck of a rollercoaster but you are heading in the right direction. There will be days when you are sad and lonely and then there will be better days. Over time the better days get more and more Good luck Surfer
Author Surfer203 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Posted December 30, 2011 Lifesontheup: Yeah... a REAL rollercoaster.. see below. So... in the mail we get an envelope from my wifes OBGYN, it appears to be a receipt for an office visit. THEN, I get a message on our answering machine that says "this is Amanda from the midwives office"... and I'm thinking, is my wife F'ing pregnant?!?! Now, her OBGYN is also a birthing center (this is where we were going to have my wife give birth when we had kids)... so it's possible she just went for a standard check up and the lady was calling with the results. My mind automatically goes to she's pregnant. I don't know what I would do or how I would contain my rage....
PegNosePete Posted December 30, 2011 Posted December 30, 2011 Don't get mad, get even. If she is preggers to someone else then it should almost certainly count in your favour for the purposes of divorce.
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