Still hanging on...

[Owl]

Surfer...it's SIMPLE to set boundaries with her.

 

You already know where the boundaries need to be set...but...you're afraid to enforce them.

 

Have you spent any time considering WHY you're afraid to enforce them?

[Surfer203]

Owl: I am not afraid to set them. I don't even understand what boundaries there needs to be. We are getting a divorce, it's over. We all know it.

[2sunny]

Owl: I am not afraid to set them. I don't even understand what boundaries there needs to be. We are getting a divorce, it's over. We all know it.

 

yes - you ARE afraid to set a boundary - much less several boundaries.

 

it IS obvious you don't know what a boundary needs to be... ask your counselor what a boundary might look like for you - or re-read this thread - many suggest boundaries for you each day - but you don't set them or follow through with any new action.

 

and the divorce...hmmmm, haven't seen any evidence that it has even gotten filed - so no need to think it may even happen. when you make a decision AND take action - it WILL be filed and served. YOU will also have evidence of removing her from your life = but there's no evidence of ANY of it so far... just empty words that amount to nothing - except idle threats from your wife's perspective.

[Steadfast]

Surfer, I posted that story to emphasize and encourage. To demonstrate that divorce isn't easy and sometimes heart-wrenching, but what's the alternative? When I realized there was nothing I could 'do', I stepped away and allowed the simple strategy of attrition. It didn't work. And it won't.

 

I adopted this mantra: When the pain won't leave, leave the pain.

 

Even though it was hard, with every step she took back, I took two. She would have to come to me and profess. She'd have to want it and make me believe that she did. Instead, she lived her own version of reality, taking time away every now and then to check on my availability. I wasn't, and her anger grew.

 

I knew then and know now what love is...and what it isn't.

 

You're getting great advice. Only you can decide for you.

[Owl]

Owl: I am not afraid to set them. I don't even understand what boundaries there needs to be. We are getting a divorce, it's over. We all know it.

 

OK...done.

 

Done being nice and polite.

 

Bullshyte!

 

You KNOW what the boundaries need to be with her! You know darned well where you need to draw the line, you are fully aware when she does something that you should tell her not to do (your confusion is the surest indicator of that)...but you STILL DON'T tell her to back off, to stop touching you, etc...!!!!!!!

 

Don't try to play the "I don't know" card!!!

 

YOU KNOW!!!!

 

YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!!!!

 

That's enough, my friend. I AM done here now. I'll take my advice to other threads at this point. Good luck to you.

[debtman]

surfer,

 

I realized something this morning when my stbx called. I normally let her calls go to vm (like I did last night when she called because my daughter was "really tired and cranky" yesterday after an evening at my house and she was wondering I put the kids to bed late), but, since she doesn't normally call in the morning, I thought it might be something important. Turns out, she just wanted to tell me how our 6-yo daughter is already saying she wants to come stay at my house because I let her "get away" with more. I was tempted to get into a discussion of semantics, argue that I just reason with the kids if I can (instead or arguing or telling), otherwise, I stick to the rules we've set.

 

Then it hit me. I'm not doing NC/LC to punish her, to make her treat me nicer, to make things easier for the kids, etc. Even though it does that, the reason I do NC/LC is because, I want to have as little contact WITH HER as possible. And, I have to remind myself of that. I don't WANT to be around her. Not after the way she treated me...and our family. I don't deserve that and neither do my kids. She's beautiful, but, I know that on the inside, she's not.

 

I deal with her like I deal with the drunks at the bar when I'm bartending (picked up a few shifts on the side to help out financially for a while). I let her ramble on, don't interrupt, and, when they wrap up their thought, let the conversation drop and move on.

 

So, I told her that I always put the kids to bed on time, I haven't seen any of these "tantrums" and, I'll continue to stick to the parenting rules that we had agreed on. I gave no explanations, I didn't try to defend anything, inform her of anything, etc. That's not my job anymore. All I need to do is assure her that my top priority is our kids. In the interest of remaining "friendly" (for the sake of the kids, only), I listen to what she has to say, I let her talk without interrupting or cutting her off, I make myself available to help her as long as it helps the kids as well.

 

She will be in my life forever, but, she will never again control my life and I will never again share her problems/concerns unless they directly impact our kids.

 

Remember surfer, she decided it was over. Move forward. You deserve someone who will work things out, not someone who will throw in the towel when things get tough...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[reboot]

surfer, now do you see why I said at some point this board becomes counter productive?

 

"You won't take my advice!? Well then I'm DONE WITH YOU! I'll go preach at someone who realizes I know everything!"

 

 

Whatever lets you sleep at night is the best path IMO. Life is too short to spend it getting beat up on by strangers on the internet.

[Yasuandio]

You can avoid setting your own bounderies till the cows come home. When you get served, she will have set your new boundaries for you. Just a matter of time.

 

Enjoy this period of waffling, indecisiveness, and denial while you can. Sometimes people just need to take the "let's see" approach.

 

I'll be very interested to see what your next "signature" turns out to be. As the one you've chosen recently seems rather cock-eyed in light of your resistance to your support team's feedback.

 

Furthermore, I thought you might have received my contribution with a little more gusto - but, basically, your only response to my posts was, "thanks for the commentary.". Hmmmmm. What does that mean?

[Owl]

surfer, now do you see why I said at some point this board becomes counter productive?

 

"You won't take my advice!? Well then I'm DONE WITH YOU! I'll go preach at someone who realizes I know everything!"

 

Whatever lets you sleep at night is the best path IMO. Life is too short to spend it getting beat up on by strangers on the internet.

 

Well...gotta say that's certainly not a response I expected from you, Reboot. Thanks for letting me know that's where I stand.

[reboot]

Well...gotta say that's certainly not a response I expected from you, Reboot. Thanks for letting me know that's where I stand.

 

That wasn't meant to be aimed specifically at you Owl. I have a lot of respect for your advice, and for that of many of the other posters in this thread as well. I've just grown tired of watching this poor guy get beat up on by everyone. He's going to do what he's going to do, as will we all, no matter what anyone else says. Sometimes you just have to back off and say "Good Luck". At this point everyone is just making him feel a whole lot worse, and he was already a miserable wretch to begin with.

 

You weren't ever in a position that the woman you loved jerked you around and jerked you around and jerked you around. Your wife eventually came around and cooperated. Maybe you would have handled it in the same way you advise surfer to handle it, but you'll never have to know since it never got to that point for you.

 

I can empathize with him. It took me a long time to grow my cojones back big enough to deal with my wife. He'll get there. Piling up on him isn't going help. It's just going to make him feel worse.

 

That's all just my opinion of course. My opinion is about all I have left anymore, but it wasn't meant to offend anyone. I'm sorry if it did.

[Yasuandio]

The name of the thread says it all:

 

"STILL HANGING ON........."

 

Surf may just need to use the forum as a sort of diary. Has he really asked for direction, or what to do? If so, then he has received brilliant responses, over and over again.

 

Maybe we can be a bit more gentle, I know I can try to be, - as Surf is clearly addicted to this arrangement or "dance." He may even be contributing for all we know (his advice to other posters is always interesting).

 

Perhaps once the advice is given from all perspectives, sliced and diced, then supporters may refer Surf to old turf.

 

When the other shoe drops, we will be here for him as always.

 

Try to understand Surfer, all of LS has taken a 5 Star interest in you, and it is frustrating, indeed, to see you go on in pain like this. Maybe specify that you are just "venting" -- not looking for people's opinions.

 

Maybe some bunnies :bunny::bunny:, or a smiley face , or a warm "WorlyBear" or "Dela" hug!!! Sometimes those simple responses feel better than an analysis of your lack of setting boundaries. Could this be the kind of affirmation you need right now, Surfer Boy?

 

tell the forum what you need - so we can get it right. Maybe you just need us to listen, and that's all.

Edited November 18, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Steadfast]

surfer, now do you see why I said at some point this board becomes counter productive?

 

"You won't take my advice!? Well then I'm DONE WITH YOU! I'll go preach at someone who realizes I know everything!"

 

When you're right, you're right. And you are reboot. Don't apologize to anyone. I admit I stepped on surfer pretty hard, but (please remember) he asked for strong advice and encouragement to move ahead. Read back. I tried not to be insulting, but did express frustration at his lack of action.

 

I wasn't a member of LS when going through my divorce, but I do remember reading it. To be honest, it was a bit too much for me at the time. My 'counsel' consisted of two, very loving and strong couples (made up of four ENTIRELY different personalities, ranging from sweet and compassionate to brick-wall frank) that listened and advised. I am forever in debt to them, but can't pay it back directly. So, with some additional training since then, I pay it forward here. It's a good place to do that.

 

As much as I respect those people, I acted when I was ready. From D-Day to final divorce decree: 11 months. Just the six-weeks she spent in the home after confessing her affair seemed like an eternity...so it boggles the mind that you surfer, have dealt with this for so long. And while it's true that my ex-wife never pledged to 'try again' (she did say once she wanted to come back...but it was halfhearted) in my opinion, you've been in what I call 'The Dark Place' for far, far too long. That is, if the things you've written are accurate. I'm serious when I say you've added years to your overall healing.

 

People do take time out of their lives to post here. And even 2sunny's firm posts really should be considered an act of kindness. There is a line that must not be crossed. Look at all the people! Are they all wrong?

 

You are lucky to have such a strong support system here surfer.

[whichwayisup]

Owl: I am not afraid to set them. I don't even understand what boundaries there needs to be. We are getting a divorce, it's over. We all know it.

 

Then you need to detach, for your own sake. She knows you have a weak/soft spot for her, rightfully so since she is your wife. Noone here is telling you to do a 180, be cold to her, but you can be firm and not let her manipulate you.

 

Remember if she is suffering from depression/bi polar, she ISN'T thinking with a clear and healthy mind.

 

Boundries can be set up just by you not being 'close' to her on an emotional level. Since divorce is your decision and it is going to happen (only a matter of time) you slowly each day just set up lines that she can't cross.

 

Check out the site depressionfallout, lots of good information on there.

[Surfer203]

Ehhh... I don't feel THAT beat up. I know it is my fault for not getting out of this mess as soon as possible. I appreciate what all of you have advised me on. Sometimes it can be a bit harsh but I need to hear it. For some reason I can't wake the F up and move on.

 

I am tired of being manipulated or led on. She told me last weekend she missed me (twice in one day) and we talked about how she may have depression or bipolar issues. She agreed that she might and that we might talk further about this.

 

Anyway, this weekend she has slept out at a "friends" both nights because she works close to her fiends. She has done this in the past but normally she at least send me a message to let me know. I got no message yesterday night and no clue what she is doing. I sent her a message today saying I was annoyed that she doesn't consider my feelings and worry, etc. She responds with "yeah, I'm okay - sorry for not letting you know" and I respond back with some hard edged stuff.

 

I feel like this woman is either playing me or genuinely does not know what she wants and to be honest I don't want to wait to find out. I know it's about actions and not words and you are all right... she never used any action only words.

 

Why can't I get over this woman? I am not a pitiful person, I am not ugly, stupid or mean. I am a good guy and feel like I have a lot to offer - I should have no problem meeting another woman. For some reason my wife through all the good and bad is some one that I just love and really like. What she has done to me, I don't like or condone. It's just so hard to let her go and I don't know how to. (I realize the legal aspect and living separately) but that won't dissolve my feelings.

[andyg99]

 

Why can't I get over this woman?

 

because you are stuck in the weak and needy phase.... instead of divorcing her you keep going over and over and over and over the same issues...

[2sunny]

At this point...

 

It has NOTHING to do with what SHE is or isn't doing. Hmmm

 

 

It only has to DO with what you are allowing!

 

There was not ONE reason you needed to ask why she didn't let you know she wasn't coming home. Yet you asked. Hmmm

 

SHE acts like a single, party going, spending the night with anyone but you kind of gal - yet YOUR brain keeps thinking she's gonna act like she's married.

 

When you get divorced - maybe then your brain will also accept that you shouldn't expect her to act like a gal who's capable of decency.

 

IF she has decency in her - she doesn't intend to show it to you. She's also likely sleeping with several men - trying to find one who will pay her way.

 

She also looks like a druggy... Has she been one to engage in that in her past?

[Surfer203]

andy: The only reason I am thinking otherwise is because she is telling me otherwise.

 

2sunny: The cheating is very possible... I assume it is, as she is not responding to me and generally does quickly. I feel the need to not WONDER. I do wonder and worry, so naturally I ask her. Although I have gotten no response.

 

 

Stupid, it is a beautiful sunny day and I am sitting at home being upset. I am going out for a bike ride.

[LifesontheUp]

andy: The only reason I am thinking otherwise is because she is telling me otherwise.

 

Actions speak louder than words Surfer. So look at her actions for the last 6 months and tell me what they are saying - words are just words.

 

I'm hoping that you will finally realise that you will be better off without your self entitled, child like wife. Hopefully you will get there before it is too late and that she hasn't taken you down so far that you cannot get back up.

 

Good luck Surfer.

[2sunny]

Here's something to consider:

 

You have allowed her to waste a year of YOUR life and happiness.

 

IF you let go of her - that illusion - YOU would then have room in your life for a gal who is decent and kind. As it stands now there is no room for that new person as long as you stay focused on her and what she is or isn't doing.

 

This is where you are causing harm to self... By "not letting go" in order to move past that denial.

 

That is the part that's hard to watch.

 

You deserve to be happy - never settle!

 

You have so much evidence that you're NOT going to find that happiness with her - and that's why folks here keep saying to quit hanging on.

[Surfer203]

Lifesontheup: I think I am as low as I can get luckily. She really can't drag me down any lower unless she physically harms me. Emotionally I am pretty well beat up.

 

2sunny: You bring up a good point. My brother and I also talked about that this weekend. What happens if a great woman comes along and I am still tied up with my wife. I am missing out on life and potential relationships. Wasting my time. You are absolutely right.

[Lexygirl]

What happens if a great woman comes along and I am still tied up with my wife. I am missing out on life and potential relationships. Wasting my time. You are absolutely right.

 

Ok... Surfer... So you type these words, they are in cognitive form now... I challenge you to now take them and all other words in your mind that logically say you deserve better and let them propel you forward !!

TAke this momentum and move into action. THESE are the words that need to focus on to get your @ss in gear !!

 

YOu don't have to hate her, you don't have to see her as a bad person, you just have to see that she isn't right for YOU and you aren't right for her which she obviously sees and the proof her actions.

 

MOVE YOUR @SS !!!! GO !!!!

[PegNosePete]

Well I've been away form the forum for a bit so I came to see how it's going for me old mate Surfer, wonder if he's got his divorce yet? Nothing changed... big surprise there then!

 

I am tired of being manipulated or led on. She told me last weekend she missed me (twice in one day) and we talked about how she may have depression or bipolar issues. She agreed that she might and that we might talk further about this.

Dude you've been told so many times about this that it's just not funny any more. WHY THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING TO HER like this? You are getting DIVORCED. You are not her councillor. If she tells you she misses you then you say "Well you made your bed. I'm watching TV now, please be quiet". If she talks about how she may have XXX or YYY condition then you tell her to go tell someone who gives a rat's arse.

 

normally she at least send me a message to let me know. I got no message yesterday night and no clue what she is doing. I sent her a message today saying I was annoyed that she doesn't consider my feelings

DUDE

W

T

F

 

You are getting divorced aren't you? Why in the 7 rings of Hades do you think she would consider your feelings?

[reboot]

I keep trying to take up for him, but damn if he doesn't make it hard.

[mlouis]

 

Why can't I get over this woman? I am not a pitiful person, I am not ugly, stupid or mean. I am a good guy and feel like I have a lot to offer - I should have no problem meeting another woman. For some reason my wife through all the good and bad is some one that I just love and really like. What she has done to me, I don't like or condone. It's just so hard to let her go and I don't know how to. (I realize the legal aspect and living separately) but that won't dissolve my feelings.

 

Surfer, basically you are not operating from a position of strength and I think it would be time well spent to figure out why (I am going through something similar). I'm not saying she's not right for you - that I don't know. But I do know that you want to make that decision from a position of strength, not weakness. This is not some 180 where you create the illusion of strength, but a true deep dive into yourself. You have to fundamentally believe you are a great guy and life has great things waiting for you regardless of which path you go down. You are choosing between "better and best" not "bad and worse." That happens to be true, now just convince yourself of it and you will have life by the b*lls (and the right answer will become clear).

[Surfer203]

PNP: Tonight I am discussing with her divorce mediation and all of that kind of stuff. She agreed to having a talk tonight. Sorry to let you down man, I am trying my best to move forward but there is something holding me back.

 

reboot: Sorry.

 

mlouis: That's the problem, as much as I would like to be strong now - I am weak. She has a stranglehold on my emotions. It's so hard to push beyond that and do what I know needs to be done. I look forward to being in that position, I hope it's sooner than later.