MW now widow, how to handle ?

[Goldenspoon]

 

I said I find this woman amazing.

 

Translation: I want to find out if she's amazing in bed too.

Edited September 24, 2011 by Goldenspoon

[East7]

So it has been a while since WW (widow woman) and I talk together back and forth. We have an amazing connection, something that I haven't experienced since I met xMW. We met Saturday, went to restaurant and had a romantic nice evening , she is so nice, wants to do everything to make me feel comfortable, almost puts me on a pedestal (she thinks I am an amazing guy etc etc). We click so well that we can have endless conversations - I feel kind of awakward because of her situation and because it has been not long since her loss.

 

She behaved like nothing ever happened, laughed, behaved quite normally and we were like two people that are dating. She was very comfortable with me and I was happy to see her so relieved. She told me that she isn't always like this, she feels good with me but the rest of the time she's a mess.

 

One thing let me puzzled : she is always wearing her wedding band like she was always married. It kind of bothers me, but I am aware that I will have to deal with the memory of her H. What do you think? Red flag..or comprehensive reaction ?

 

She already wants to come to my place for the Halloween weekend . I don't know but it sounds like this is moving too fast.

 

I dunno it seems almost too good to be true...Everything is perfect with her. She is all I ever wanted and I almost have no effort to do to seduce her. She likes everything I do or tell her.

 

Emotional rebound ?

[carhill]

Re: the wedding ring stuff...IME, not unusual. Each person is different in that regard.

 

Re: emotional rebound....think of it as a life preserver. A sudden and unexpected death is a trauma to the psyche of a loved one. It's possible, and not a bad or wrong thing, that she's not in her 'right mind' just now. It'll settle out. Take it slow and hold on loosely, IMO.

[Circular]

Re: the wedding ring stuff...IME, not unusual. Each person is different in that regard.

 

Re: emotional rebound....think of it as a life preserver. A sudden and unexpected death is a trauma to the psyche of a loved one. It's possible, and not a bad or wrong thing, that she's not in her 'right mind' just now. It'll settle out. Take it slow and hold on loosely, IMO.

 

Definitely my thought as well. The one thing I'd be worried about is after awhile she might very well decide it's now time for her to 'live her life' again. Personally I think that's a good thing but it could leave you in the lurch as she 'explores' her world.

[East7]

Thanks Carhill and Circular,

 

yeah my first thought about the wedding ring was that she is mourning the loss of her marriage so she keeps it as a sentimental value object. I will probably have to put up with these "reminders" for a long while. Not a big deal as long as she is caring and shows me active attention. Another concern is that people that would see us together might think we are having an A as I don't wear any ring

 

For the relationship pace, yeah you are right. She might move too fast and then stop altogether out of guilt or burn-out feeling. As far as I know her she is a very independent woman and she loves her freedom so I think I should keep it light and let her take the challenge.

[Confused4Now]

Thanks Carhill and Circular,

 

yeah my first thought about the wedding ring was that she is mourning the loss of her marriage so she keeps it as a sentimental value object. I will probably have to put up with these "reminders" for a long while. Not a big deal as long as she is caring and shows me active attention. Another concern is that people that would see us together might think we are having an A as I don't wear any ring

 

For the relationship pace, yeah you are right. She might move too fast and then stop altogether out of guilt or burn-out feeling. As far as I know her she is a very independent woman and she loves her freedom so I think I should keep it light and let her take the challenge.

Her wearing a wedding ring is maybe to keep men from approaching her at this time. Sounds like you might have the inside track on this lady. Just take your time...and enjoy the moment.

[Lostinlife4now]

Wait 1 full year..... She is still very raw.....Be friends but NOTHING else.....she doesn't need a rebound at this time..............................

 

She needs to grieve the loss....she should not be involved with someone else right now...Doesn't look good and it isn't right.

 

IMO

[jj33]

East - go for it. Youve known this woman for a year, there is a spark between you, she is reaching out to you, she will let you know if its going too quickly.

 

People who have lost spouses often remarry quickly. They like being married, they didnt choose to end the marriage, it ended because of death.

 

If she is ready to date again then its not for you or her family to decide that it is too soon.

 

Dont let love pass you by

[anne1707]

Wearing her wedding ring is perfectly understandable. Her marriage did not end in the way it does with a divorce so the memories of her marriage may well bring her comfort. I would be more concerned if she acted as if she had never been married. I think you should also be prepared for her to talk about her H at times - this is not like the end of a relationship where the "aim" is to stop loving your ex. Her late H will probably always have a place in her heart but that does not mean there is not a place for you. Patience, gentleness, understanding and time is what this will take.

[East7]

Wait 1 full year..... She is still very raw.....Be friends but NOTHING else.....she doesn't need a rebound at this time..............................

 

She needs to grieve the loss....she should not be involved with someone else right now...Doesn't look good and it isn't right.

 

IMO

 

Wow that seems a very accurate timeline. Why one year? Why not 11 months?

 

No but seriously people have different paces. No one is pushing things. I'm not pushing her to anything. I will let her mourn her H the time it takes.

 

I never call or e-mail her ! She always initiates contact with me and wants to talk. She called me today and we had a nice conversation. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.

 

East - go for it. Youve known this woman for a year, there is a spark between you, she is reaching out to you, she will let you know if its going too quickly.

 

People who have lost spouses often remarry quickly. They like being married, they didnt choose to end the marriage, it ended because of death.

 

If she is ready to date again then its not for you or her family to decide that it is too soon.

 

Dont let love pass you by

 

Thanks. Yes indeed she has shown me interest even when she was married but I'm happy nothing inappropriate happened so now she we are not hurting anyone by dating and everything can start from scratch.

She has a very strong character, she doesn't look desperate. I know she is hurting but she also wants to move past this. I didn't expect her to become closer to me after her H loss, but she did. This is the reality today.

 

Wearing her wedding ring is perfectly understandable. Her marriage did not end in the way it does with a divorce so the memories of her marriage may well bring her comfort. I would be more concerned if she acted as if she had never been married. I think you should also be prepared for her to talk about her H at times - this is not like the end of a relationship where the "aim" is to stop loving your ex. Her late H will probably always have a place in her heart but that does not mean there is not a place for you. Patience, gentleness, understanding and time is what this will take.

 

Thanks Anne, indeed I understand better now the meaning of her ring. It is holding on something that she didn't wanted to loose.

Oddly she almost never talks about her H, at least so far and I don't ask. SHe talks about her past, her career, her friends etc, but not about him. Maybe she avoids to trig the memories and the pain. For the moment we have a kind of platonic friendship, we do flirt but it stays light. She makes sure to tell me everytime that "its such a pleasure to talk to you, you made my day / you are a great guy to talk to / Im happy we talk" etc.

[MorningCoffee]

Wow that seems a very accurate timeline. Why one year? Why not 11 months?

 

No but seriously people have different paces. No one is pushing things. I'm not pushing her to anything. I will let her mourn her H the time it takes.

 

I never call or e-mail her ! She always initiates contact with me and wants to talk. She called me today and we had a nice conversation. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong.

 

 

 

Thanks. Yes indeed she has shown me interest even when she was married but I'm happy nothing inappropriate happened so now she we are not hurting anyone by dating and everything can start from scratch.

She has a very strong character, she doesn't look desperate. I know she is hurting but she also wants to move past this. I didn't expect her to become closer to me after her H loss, but she did. This is the reality today.

 

 

 

Thanks Anne, indeed I understand better now the meaning of her ring. It is holding on something that she didn't wanted to loose.

Oddly she almost never talks about her H, at least so far and I don't ask. SHe talks about her past, her career, her friends etc, but not about him. Maybe she avoids to trig the memories and the pain. For the moment we have a kind of platonic friendship, we do flirt but it stays light. She makes sure to tell me everytime that "its such a pleasure to talk to you, you made my day / you are a great guy to talk to / Im happy we talk" etc.

 

Hi East,

 

Sounds to me as if you are acting with integrity and awareness. Good on you!

 

As a widower, I just wanted to comment on the bolded. Seems to me that the survivor of any well-established, let alone long-term, marriage ended by a spouse's death, faces the largest developmental task of their adult life probably since marrying and maybe parenting: not who they are, but who they are as a solo person, no longer part of a couple but on their own in the strange and amorphous subset of the previously-married.

 

I think her focus reflects not on her late H or their M at all, just more exploring her own identity and trying it out with you out-loud. I did a lot of that with a couple good friends and in IC as well. I also think that once the survivor is more accustomed to their new situation, the past can be better integrated into their present, and that is when the whole aspect of memories of the M and the spouse can more safely be considered and brought into everyday existence in a healthy way.

 

Anyway, that's been my path. YMMV.

 

Best wishes.

[Gentlegirl]

Firstly, please don't use any formulae pertaining to grieving from google or the net. I regard it as utter nonsense. Grieving in very individual.. it might take weeks, months or years. It doesn't just suddenly finish after a set period of time.

 

MY husband had a very long illness and we didn't have a married life for 12 years. I ended up his carer and did most of my grieving along the way. I lost my husband as HIMSELF about 7 years before he finally died.

 

The difficult part is finding a niche in the world as ONE. Having been married for 31 years, it's a mammoth task and not yet completed. Widows are treated as curious beings. We are sometimes regarded as predators or third wheels. It is at this time we find see who is a true and enduring friend. It takes a great deal of courage and soul searching to come to terms with being alone, possibly forever,

 

Since the lady you are interested in was married 2 years and is comparatively young, she might slip back into a single life more easliy. I am NOT saying that she didn't care for her late husband, or that she isn't grieving or that she is in any way behaving inappropriately.

 

She's young for God sake, and has the potential for great joy and a rich life. Let her have that and if it's with you, well and good. How I wish it were me!

 

As for the wedding ring, well that's a personal choice and when you feel comfortable enough, ask her. You will know when that is. It's probably not yet.

 

Good luck,

Gentlegirl.

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi East!

 

Why 1 full year? It's the year of the firsts! First anniversary of the death, first holidays without H, first birthday, etc., you see where I am going with this? She needs to clean his clothes out of the closet....when SHE is ready.

 

She is in the death fog, or grief fog....she is not thinking straight.....Believe me I KNOW what I am talking about. She needs time to cry, breathe, figure things out, pray, be with friends and family.....It takes a long time for the BRAIN to comprehend what has happened.....

 

Yes you say you are her friend.....but are you really?

 

Let her grieve her Husband...give her some time...there is no way she or you should be going out on a romantic ANYTHING.....

 

She will not be right for you in the long run, don't crowd her.....let her grieve........then time will tell.....