anyone dating someone with severe anxiety/social anxiety?

[AHardDaysNight]

The reason for the "pressing" is that she chose to date a guy who is not aggressive or outgoing at all. My guess that only reason she is making so much effort is because the dude is really good looking. She wouldn't bother for a normal looking dude.

 

Most people in relationships are average looking.

 

Or are you basing real life on porn again?

[Feelin Frisky]

I have severe social anxiety, and it definitely has had a detrimental effect on my dating life. I never have dated anyone.

 

My advice is to take it slow, be patient, and realize that Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

Ever get help? I got prescribed Prozac for the mix of depression and anxiety related to my fiasco relationship. Suddenly however after taking the medication for a couple of weeks, I ceased having any kind of "butterflies" in my stomach in social situations whatsoever. I wished I had been able to have that alternative earlier in life because I used to blush so much I shyed away from a lot of social risks. Everything would have turned out differently for me if I weren't like that at that time and I strongly recommend seeing a doctor and possibly experimenting with Prozac or Luvox or w/e to put those nerves and butterflies in their place. Good luck.

[Finch]

I would rather cut the person out of my life. If a guy I liked brought it up to me I would NEVER talk to them again.

 

People who have anxiety dwell on everything and their feelings are magnetized. Something that you might forget about I could probably dwell on for months and still be humiliated by it months later.

 

This is not true for everyone dealing with anxiety. In my experience, this is not true for even half of people dealing with anxiety. Like everything else in life, people handle things differently, but all of the people I know who have social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, OCD/anxiety, or depression/anxiety (etc) are all very open about discussing these things with others.

I started having severe panic attacks when I was in my teens, and I learned quickly that one of the simplest ways of alleviating some of my constant worry was to talk about it. That sentiment has been echoed by all of the people I know who have similar issues.

I have never, ever heard anyone with true panic/anxiety issues say they would rather die than discuss their anxieties. Severe anxiety brings all sorts of "systems" online in the body which are designed for self-preservation. The idea that someone with anxiety would rather die than talk about their issues is counter to the processes that anxiety triggers. Anxiety is often what keeps us "safe", by telling us something is wrong, that there is something to worry about and that we should take steps to move ourselves out of harms way. In some people, for a variety of reasons, (chemical imbalances, learned behaviour, post-traumatic stress....) this process goes awry and the anxiety mechanisms gain the upper hand in situations that aren't threatening at all.

So, to the OP, I say two things:

The first is that from the very limited information you've given it sounds like your boyfriend may be dealing with depression moreso than anxiety. (The two can go hand in hand)

The second is that if you yourself have learned to deal with anxiety or other issues, you know that you cannot "fix" him. If there is truly something wrong, he ultimately needs to take on the responsibility for finding ways and people who can help him. You can support him, but you can't make things better all by yourself. It simply will not work.

You also need to remember that in choosing to have a relationship with him you run the risk of having your life ruled by his anxiety or depression. I'm not saying dump him, but you need to look after yourself as well. And I say this as someone who has worked very hard on my own anxiety. We all, everyone in the world, have some kind of issue. But when it comes to anxiety and depression I would not date someone who did not have theirs under control or was not seeking help for it. It is far too draining on the relationship.

[AHardDaysNight]

You can't play therapist to your boyfriend. You are not a medical professional, you don't have a certificate, you need someone who is trained in cognitive behavior therapy to deal with this.

 

Have you thought about getting him counseling? He needs to work on this for himself, not only for you. He is the one who is truly suffering here.

[somedude81]

Most people in relationships are average looking.

 

Or are you basing real life on porn again?

Huh? Where the hell did you get that from?

[maylis]

You can't play therapist to your boyfriend. You are not a medical professional, you don't have a certificate, you need someone who is trained in cognitive behavior therapy to deal with this.

 

Have you thought about getting him counseling? He needs to work on this for himself, not only for you. He is the one who is truly suffering here.

 

I understand and I do not want to try to be his therapist either. I just know that I want to try to be supportive and patient. I am going to try to bring that up to him, about counseling.

[maylis]

This is not true for everyone dealing with anxiety. In my experience, this is not true for even half of people dealing with anxiety. Like everything else in life, people handle things differently, but all of the people I know who have social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia, OCD/anxiety, or depression/anxiety (etc) are all very open about discussing these things with others.

I started having severe panic attacks when I was in my teens, and I learned quickly that one of the simplest ways of alleviating some of my constant worry was to talk about it. That sentiment has been echoed by all of the people I know who have similar issues.

I have never, ever heard anyone with true panic/anxiety issues say they would rather die than discuss their anxieties. Severe anxiety brings all sorts of "systems" online in the body which are designed for self-preservation. The idea that someone with anxiety would rather die than talk about their issues is counter to the processes that anxiety triggers. Anxiety is often what keeps us "safe", by telling us something is wrong, that there is something to worry about and that we should take steps to move ourselves out of harms way. In some people, for a variety of reasons, (chemical imbalances, learned behaviour, post-traumatic stress....) this process goes awry and the anxiety mechanisms gain the upper hand in situations that aren't threatening at all.

So, to the OP, I say two things:

The first is that from the very limited information you've given it sounds like your boyfriend may be dealing with depression moreso than anxiety. (The two can go hand in hand)

The second is that if you yourself have learned to deal with anxiety or other issues, you know that you cannot "fix" him. If there is truly something wrong, he ultimately needs to take on the responsibility for finding ways and people who can help him. You can support him, but you can't make things better all by yourself. It simply will not work.

You also need to remember that in choosing to have a relationship with him you run the risk of having your life ruled by his anxiety or depression. I'm not saying dump him, but you need to look after yourself as well. And I say this as someone who has worked very hard on my own anxiety. We all, everyone in the world, have some kind of issue. But when it comes to anxiety and depression I would not date someone who did not have theirs under control or was not seeking help for it. It is far too draining on the relationship.

 

 

Thank you so much for this information and your input!

[Ginger Beer]

Yes sorry...well let's see. I am trying to be supportive but I know I cannot be too overbearing because of his anxiety issues. He needs a lot of time to himself so I let him make the plans. He often breaks them and before I thought it was that he didn't want to see me, but I have been reading a lot and talking a lot and I know now it is having to do with anxiety and really nothing to do with me. I know a lot of it is just him having to decide whether or not he wants to deal with it or confront his issues more, I just want to show that I am supportive too I guess. He has never come right out and said he has the anxiety problems, but it is something I have dealt with for most of my life, just in more recent years I have gotten over a lot of it. I don't know if its ok for me to say that to him that I know.

 

This sounds like me. I have social anxiety, pretty bad, I hardly leave my house (unless it's late at night and nobody is around) and this sounds like the stuff I've done in the past.

 

I've had to turn down a lot of opportunities to meet girls, invites to parties, invites to girls houses, I've had girls I'm seeing think I'm standing them up or playing them because I don't want to go out and they don't understand why, they think I don't like them.

 

If I was you, tell him you won't leave him or end it, you like him and you want to be there for him. Make sure he knows. I never told anyone about me because they wouldn't have understood.

 

I am a female but I have turned down a guy before due to my anxiety. He asked me to go out and I didn't feel like I could deal being in his presence because he was so cute; my anxiety was too overwhelming so I had to decline. I didn't feel like I could stand to eat around him or talk to him for an extended period of time. I'm ok with being alone forever though but that's just me.

 

If I don't like a guy then I don't have this anxiety but when I do like a guy I can't date them. I tend to have social anxiety in general too; I don't really like talking to people and I'm not social. I like to hide out at home.

 

I know how you feel.

[maylis]

This sounds like me. I have social anxiety, pretty bad, I hardly leave my house (unless it's late at night and nobody is around) and this sounds like the stuff I've done in the past.

 

I've had to turn down a lot of opportunities to meet girls, invites to parties, invites to girls houses, I've had girls I'm seeing think I'm standing them up or playing them because I don't want to go out and they don't understand why, they think I don't like them.

 

If I was you, tell him you won't leave him or end it, you like him and you want to be there for him. Make sure he knows. I never told anyone about me because they wouldn't have understood.

 

 

 

I know how you feel.

 

Thank you to share this. So say if someone asked you or confronted you about it, would it push you away even more?

 

That is exactly what I thought before, was that he was not interested in me anymore. I asked him that, if he wasn't interested and he said no that it wasn't the case and then broke up with me a week later. But this time around I understand what is going on.

[Ginger Beer]

Thank you to share this. So say if someone asked you or confronted you about it, would it push you away even more?

That is exactly what I thought before, was that he was not interested in me anymore. I asked him that, if he wasn't interested and he said no that it wasn't the case and then broke up with me a week later. But this time around I understand what is going on.

 

It would have before but not now, everyone knows, I told everyone last year because I was fed up of people trying to hassle me to go out, bitchy comments, I used to get hassled a lot by everyone...

 

Before, if a girl hassled me I would have became withdrawn from her because I would panic and feel ashamed, now, I would let her know and it's up to her what happens.

 

If he is anxious, be honest with him, it doesn't change anything and you want to understand, tell him, he may open up to you.

[somedude81]

This sounds like me. I have social anxiety, pretty bad, I hardly leave my house (unless it's late at night and nobody is around) and this sounds like the stuff I've done in the past.

 

I've had to turn down a lot of opportunities to meet girls, invites to parties, invites to girls houses, I've had girls I'm seeing think I'm standing them up or playing them because I don't want to go out and they don't understand why, they think I don't like them.

I'm absolutely amazed you had any interest from females at all when you had anxiety like that.

 

That goes against everything I've heard about what women are interested in.

[Ginger Beer]

People with social anxiety deserve love in their life too.

 

I am attracted to him because he is absolutely not aggressive at all, we are basically the same person. We have all the same interests, I am quite shy too so I can relate to him a lot. It is just much more magnified for him and at first I think I was not so trusting because of some horrid experiences in my past relationships, so I thought he was just being a jerk when he would cancel but it isn't it at all I realize now. I'm used to being the "****ed up" person in the relationship and I have really gotten over a lot of problems in my past and I still have some to deal with but I feel very connected to this guy.

 

Yes!

 

I can see why some people might be put off but it's a very short sighted outlook.

[Ginger Beer]

I'm absolutely amazed you had any interest from females at all when you had anxiety like that.

 

That goes against everything I've heard about what women are interested in.

 

Without blowing my own trumpet, I'm a funny guy, I'm kind and I'm very popular, the only thing is, I don't like going out.

[somedude81]

Without blowing my own trumpet, I'm a funny guy, I'm kind and I'm very popular, the only thing is, I don't like going out.

The social anxiety only means you don't like to leave your house?

 

So you have no problem at all being social, can talk to people, not shy etc?

[maylis]

The social anxiety only means you don't like to leave your house?

 

So you have no problem at all being social, can talk to people, not shy etc?

 

 

People who have anxiety problems do not all have the exact same issues. It differs also in severity also.

[Ginger Beer]

The social anxiety only means you don't like to leave your house?

 

So you have no problem at all being social, can talk to people, not shy etc?

 

Not now no, but at certain times I could (never daytimes), it would depend on where it is and how many people are there, and I'd meet girls, sometimes at friend's houses or in the street, get their numbers then they'd text asking me to meet them and the answer would be no. I'd only be outside of my house because my friends would hassle me though, not by choice.

 

It's got worse recently.

Edited September 17, 2011 by Ginger Beer

[somedude81]

Not now no, but at certain times I could (never daytimes), it would depend on where it is and how many people are there, and I'd meet girls, sometimes at friend's houses or in the street, get their numbers then they'd text asking me to meet them and the answer would be no. I'd only be outside of my house because my friends would hassle me though, not by choice.

 

It's got worse recently.

OK, that's more complicated than I thought.

 

It almost sounds like programming.

 

IF I'm within 100 feet of my house I can THEN I can go up to random women and ask them out.

 

But if you're further away you can't nor go on dates.

[Ginger Beer]

OK, that's more complicated than I thought.

 

It almost sounds like programming.

 

IF I'm within 100 feet of my house I can THEN I can go up to random women and ask them out.

 

But if you're further away you can't nor go on dates.

 

This bit sounds like you think I'm making it up?

[somedude81]

Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction.

 

You don't have any reason to troll, but frankly it sounds weird.

[Ginger Beer]

Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction.

 

You don't have any reason to troll, but frankly it sounds weird.

 

lol

 

Your 'it sounds weird' comment confirms to me why I was ashamed of people knowing I'm anxious socially, because it's 'weird'.

 

And it's nothing to do with distance. But since you think I'm trolling, I'll stop posting.

[AHardDaysNight]

Look, I post on Social Anxiety Support. I am a frequent poster on there, and have been on there since 2007 (and have thousands of posts and am well liked.)

 

One thing I've noticed is that social anxiety comes in many different shapes and sizes. There are many guys and girls on there who are in relationships. There are many guys and girls on there who are 20 or 30 (or 40) something virgins who have no experience. There are some that can't leave their house; there are some that can, but have trouble going through checkout lines at the stores; there are some that deal well with that, but have trouble making friends. There are some that have friends, but have trouble making new ones. There are some that are suicidal, some that are not, some that are happy, some that are not, some that are geeks, some that are jocks, etc.

 

Why do you think that SA is a straight line, somedude? It's a spectrum. There are many different people, struggling with anxiety in different ways.

 

As for me, I do well with random conversation, but struggle making friends and forming relationships. And if I try too hard, I have a panic attack.

[somedude81]

Look, I post on Social Anxiety Support. I am a frequent poster on there, and have been on there since 2007 (and have thousands of posts and am well liked.)

 

One thing I've noticed is that social anxiety comes in many different shapes and sizes. There are many guys and girls on there who are in relationships. There are many guys and girls on there who are 20 or 30 (or 40) something virgins who have no experience. There are some that can't leave their house; there are some that can, but have trouble going through checkout lines at the stores; there are some that deal well with that, but have trouble making friends. There are some that have friends, but have trouble making new ones. There are some that are suicidal, some that are not, some that are happy, some that are not, some that are geeks, some that are jocks, etc.

 

Why do you think that SA is a straight line, somedude? It's a spectrum. There are many different people, struggling with anxiety in different ways.

 

As for me, I do well with random conversation, but struggle making friends and forming relationships. And if I try too hard, I have a panic attack.

Hmm, I there is more to social anxiety then I thought there was.

 

Actually I think I may have some of it too.

 

I've always struggled with making new friends. Heck I haven't had any guy friends since High School, over 10 years ago. I've made acquaintances but nobody I actually hung out with.

 

The only people I've actually spent time with have been girls I wanted to date.

 

I wonder if for me it's more being awkward than anxious?

[AHardDaysNight]

Hmm, I there is more to social anxiety then I thought there was.

 

Actually I think I may have some of it too.

 

I've always struggled with making new friends. Heck I haven't had any guy friends since High School, over 10 years ago. I've made acquaintances but nobody I actually hung out with.

 

The only people I've actually spent time with have been girls I wanted to date.

 

I wonder if for me it's more being awkward than anxious?

 

Yeah, it sounds like you have social anxiety to some degree. I've noticed that in a lot of your posts here.

 

I know some posters on here think they're talking to a brick wall when I post threads and don't follow through on the advice. But, believe me, it's hard just going to class and talking to people! Actually asking out women terrifies me!