Boyfriend not convinced I'm "The One"..

[Allie32]

I'm back needing advice. I posted about a week ago--

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t296812/?highlight=unemployment.

 

Since my last post things have been really good with my bf. He has been attentive and engaging. I think it helps that I'm working and less depressed/moody.

 

Over the weekend his bestfriend, whom lives in England called him to tell him he was engaged and asked him to be best man. My bf accepted and asked me to attend the wedding with him in Malaysia. I have never been overseas, so this is a big deal for me. And the fact that the wedding isn't until April I took as a good sign that he is looking to the future with me, even though we had a rocky patch.

 

So last night after dinner we were talking about what weddings cost. He didn't have a clue that the average wedding in the US can cost 20,000 dollars (My bf is not from the United States). I was speaking in general about the kind of wedding I would like to have someday. I wasn't speaking in money terms just that I enjoy autumn thought it would be nice to get married in that season.

 

He than told me that he thought I was being materialistic all because I told him what weddings cost. And than I don't remember why but at some point I asked him if he could see us getting married some day. He said he wasn't "convinced" that I'm "the one". I was a little hurt by that and I said ok than why am I here, as in living with him and why did he ask me to go overseas with him? He said the invitation to his friends wedding was "not a proposal for marriage". I sat there not knowing what to say. Obviously I know that but for him to say that and the way he said it, hurt me.

 

He told me he felt the way he does because the last few months have been rocky. I had told him a few weeks back that once I was working I thought things would be better. He reminded me of what I said and he was hoping so too, but he it was hard for him to "get over" the last few months (my mood during my job loss) I guess. I told him I thought things were going well. He said he thought so too but it would take longer than a week to be convinced we wouldn't fall back into the same pattern.

 

I asked him how we could move on fresh, if he won't let go of the past, he seems to be very resentful. I slept on the couch last night because I was upset and wanted to be alone. When I woke up this morning he asked me what was wrong, I told him I was a little hurt by last nights conversation. He said he was "annoyed" that I was acting as if he said it was over. He was very short with me and didn't kiss me goodbye before he leaves, like he usually does. He just said I should "think about things" and walked out the door.

 

I'm very confused.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Allie32

[serial muse]

Allie, I would be concerned and confused too. I read your other thread to try to get a better sense of the relationship you have with your BF, but I admit I'm still not sure - you say you're crazy about him, but he doesn't sound like a very supportive person.

 

I can understand that he might have been stressed about supporting you while you looked for work - BUT, it also sounds like you pulled your own weight as best you could: you looked for work, now have a job, took care of the house while you were looking - basically, you were NOT a freeloader. You say you were a bit down - well, that's understandable, too. The fact that his response to your mini-crisis (which you were doing your best to handle) is to be impatient and short with you, and less interested sexually - well, that's a red flag, in my book. It may be that he's just not a reliable partner - a good boyfriend when things are fine, but not someone you can rely on when you really need him. That's how it's looking from what you've said so far.

 

I think it's unnecessarily cruel to say to someone "this is not a proposal of marriage." I had an ex-BF say that to me once. And he meant it - he broke up with me shortly afterward. I really don't mean that to be harsh, just to highlight that it's not a loving or caring thing to say. For some reason, he seems to feel like you need to learn a lesson - but to me, that seems unfair, based on what you've told us here. You did what you could to get out of your bad situation, which occurred through no fault of your own. That his response is to punish you anyway just seems...well, shxtty.

 

It's odd that he feels he has a right to be resentful. I know that I don't know the whole story here...is there more to this?? What is this man really like? If you look at the year of your relationship more critically, and less through a lens of trying to convince yourself he's a good guy..is he really? Is this the first time he's checked out when things weren't perfect?

[iJester]

I can see why he's annoyed. You managed to take a very good thing and make it a very bad one.

 

Your behavior is the exact reason he's not convinced. Who wants to marry a child? You seem to be just as moody as you were..a week ago. Grow up, and maybe you'll convince him, but I don't think you have much time and I doubt you'll make it until April without sabotaging things.

[EnigmaticClarity]

He reminded me of what I said and he was hoping so too, but he it was hard for him to "get over" the last few months (my mood during my job loss) I guess.

 

Exactly how was your moodiness visible to your boyfriend? You didn't go into detail about that in your last post either. None of us can have much idea what your boyfriend is skeptical about until we know just how moody you get.

 

My last girlfriend had bipolar disorder and would get moody (manic) every month or two. Every time it happened she would get super-bitchy and make totally irrational judgments about everyone in her life. Each time it happened it would reset the relationship in my mind back to, at best, a level of uncertainly roughly equivalent to the first month or two of a relationship, and during her worst moods, she'd reset my opinion of her to be nearly convinced I could never be with this girl for long. She was so used to her own moodiness the impact she was having on me--and most others in her life--didn't register with her. It's just how she had always been and I guess she assumed everyone understood as she usually didn't even bother to apologize for her irrationality during manic phases.

[serial muse]

I know that one's posting style is not always reflective of one's behavior in real life. But there is a certain correlation. Allie's postings here have suggested thoughtful behavior and a determination to get back on her feet; perhaps she was depressed, but that's understandable when one has lost one's job through no fault of one's own, isn't it? It doesn't sound like she was moody in the sense of giving him hell or screaming at him; just that she was sadder than usual, possibly down on herself and in a period where she might have needed more reassurance than usual.

 

Perhaps in a casual dating situation that would be too much to ask of someone. But in a long-term relationship that might be headed toward marriage, I think that's the sort of thing you want to know about your potential partner: when you have a personal mini-crisis, is your partner willing to step up and provide a little extra reassurance that things will be OK - or will s/he prefer to check out?

[Kamille]

I feel like you're putting the cart before the horse here. You say yourself your relationship has been rocky the last few months. You may feel he should be able to get over it overnight, but it would be ludicrous of you both to ignore the fact that there is an opportunity here to strengthen the relationship. You both need to rebuild trust, your bond, your capacity to problem-solve together, as a couple. And that takes more than a couple of weeks, after months of rocky-relationship. (Especially if you're only one year in). Right now, neither one of you knows whether rocky is your modus operandi or if you're capable of bringing this relationship back to some smooth sailing. If, once you get to a more solid ground, he still is hesitant, than I would say you have cause to worry. But as things are now, I would say he has a point. It sounds like he's asking you to focus on improving the relationship as it is now.

 

Personally, if my relationship was going through a rough patch, I wouldn't be thinking about forever. I would be thinking about mending what's broken, about making the relationship stronger, about improving the relationship, about focusing on how you two support and care for each other. I would be wondering myself if we had what it takes to make it in the long haul.

 

Let this one go, don't contribute more to the drama. Recognize his current concern does have some basis in reality and work from there. Believe me, he will appreciate it.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Kamille

[serial muse]

I feel like you're putting the cart before the horse here. You say yourself your relationship has been rocky the last few months. You may feel he should be able to get over it overnight, but it would be ludicrous of you both to ignore the fact that there is an opportunity here to strengthen the relationship here. You both need to rebuild trust, your bond, your capacity to problem-solve together, as a couple. And that takes more than a couple of weeks, after months of rocky-relationship. (Especially if you're only one year in). Right now, neither one of you knows whether rocky is your modus operandi or if you're capable of bringing this relationship back to some smooth sailing. If, once you get to a more solid ground, he still is hesitant, than I would say you have cause to worry. But as things are now, I would say he has a point. It sounds like he's asking you to focus on improving the relationship as it is now.

 

Personally, if my relationship was going through a rough patch, I wouldn't be thinking about forever. I would be thinking about mending what's broken, about making the relationship stronger, about improving the relationship, about focusing on how you two support and care for each other.

 

Let this one go, don't contribute more to the drama. Recognize his current concern does have some basis in reality and work from there. Believe me, he will appreciate it.

 

I hear this, and it's true - BUT I also think that the fact that he leapt from her discussing how much weddings tend to cost to calling her materialistic is really a crap move. There's a whole lot of negative assumption in there that is really not good. That's the sort of thing that makes this guy suspect, to me.

[Allie32]

Allie, I would be concerned and confused too. I read your other thread to try to get a better sense of the relationship you have with your BF, but I admit I'm still not sure - you say you're crazy about him, but he doesn't sound like a very supportive person.

 

I can understand that he might have been stressed about supporting you while you looked for work - BUT, it also sounds like you pulled your own weight as best you could: you looked for work, now have a job, took care of the house while you were looking - basically, you were NOT a freeloader. You say you were a bit down - well, that's understandable, too. The fact that his response to your mini-crisis (which you were doing your best to handle) is to be impatient and short with you, and less interested sexually - well, that's a red flag, in my book. It may be that he's just not a reliable partner - a good boyfriend when things are fine, but not someone you can rely on when you really need him. That's how it's looking from what you've said so far.

 

I think it's unnecessarily cruel to say to someone "this is not a proposal of marriage." I had an ex-BF say that to me once. And he meant it - he broke up with me shortly afterward. I really don't mean that to be harsh, just to highlight that it's not a loving or caring thing to say. For some reason, he seems to feel like you need to learn a lesson - but to me, that seems unfair, based on what you've told us here. You did what you could to get out of your bad situation, which occurred through no fault of your own. That his response is to punish you anyway just seems...well, shxtty.

 

It's odd that he feels he has a right to be resentful. I know that I don't know the whole story here...is there more to this?? What is this man really like? If you look at the year of your relationship more critically, and less through a lens of trying to convince yourself he's a good guy..is he really? Is this the first time he's checked out when things weren't perfect?

 

 

There have been times I have felt that he has this idealistic view of what a relationship "should be". I told him this.

 

My bf is the kind of man that give the shirt off his back to a person in need. But at the same token he is a tough nut to crack emotionally. He is very stoic at times. He is a works alot. His job is very important to him, and it should be. He is definately a "thinker" where I'm more of a "feeler"

 

He told me he loves me but he is resentful of my moodyness and that it wasn't something he wanted to go through the rest of his life.

 

So he tells me I need to convince him th at we can work this out out but than I have those comments floating around my head.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Allie32

[Allie32]

I was down and probably short with him when I shouldn't have been. I'm definately not perfect. There were some mornings I didn't want to get out of bed.

[Allie32]

I can see why he's annoyed. You managed to take a very good thing and make it a very bad one.

 

Your behavior is the exact reason he's not convinced. Who wants to marry a child? You seem to be just as moody as you were..a week ago. Grow up, and maybe you'll convince him, but I don't think you have much time and I doubt you'll make it until April without sabotaging things.

 

Well I don't think I acted like a child regarding this.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I hear this, and it's true - BUT I also think that the fact that he leapt from her discussing how much weddings tend to cost to calling her materialistic is really a crap move. There's a whole lot of negative assumption in there that is really not good. That's the sort of thing that makes this guy suspect, to me.

 

You, too, are making negative assumptions. Perhaps this guy is interested in a small wedding, or one that follows traditions from his own country. I haven't noticed her even saying which country he's from to know what marriages are like there. Seems to me that most American traditions seem materialistic to most of the rest of the world, so spending what for most people is 6 to 24 months of your discretionary income on a wedding could seem objectionable. Maybe much of this was discussed, but Allie didn't go into it, so we can't just assume the worst about him.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I was down and probably short with him when I shouldn't have been. I'm definately not perfect. There were some mornings I didn't want to get out of bed.

 

What was the worst example of you being short with him? The ex I referred to earlier never seemed to realize just how deeply troubling her moodiness was to other people even when told. She'd duck responsibility and act like you should forgive her for her mood because it wasn't her fault--effectively making dealing with her moods everyone else's problem but hers.

[grkBoy]

I don't know about what exactly happened in those unemployed months. If Allie was a total b***h to her man while she struggled though unemployment, then I could see why her man now is iffy on their future. However, if she was just bummed, down, sometimes vented about the world without being abusive...then I think her man should chill out and get over it.

 

My fiance is more emotional and I'm more logical, but I usually just back off when I see she's mad or down about something I had nothing to do with. She NEVER takes it out on me, but there are times in any RL when the man or woman should know to offer an embrace, and when they should back off and let their SO get over the issues on their own.

 

In the end, I think the issues between Allie and her man have to be dealt with. Talking deeply about it, him airing what bothered him, and both really deciding what the future is going to hold. I think her talking about a wedding isn't a taboo topic, and guys need to stop thinking that they're being handed the bling ultimatum when a woman mentions this. Sometimes it's just conversation.

 

My fiance and I talked about ideal weddings many times even before I fathomed popping the question. The reason mainly was that it came up in conversation when we would watch someone shell out massive money for a wedding, but I also like to think we were feeling one another out.

 

He told me he loves me but he is resentful of my moodyness and that it wasn't something he wanted to go through the rest of his life.

 

He makes me think of some guy living in the past, where daddy comes home, eats dinner, goes to his corner of the house to read the paper, and the Mrs simply cooks, cleans, and makes herself available whenever he wants sex...but he will not be her friend. He makes me wonder if he believes "a woman should know her place".

 

Again, is Allie was abusive in her depressed time, then I'll understand his uneasiness...but from what I read he's more committing the sin of a deep RL by trying to hold on to an independent life. Go through moodiness? Guess what? Everyone has bad days, bad times, etc. Everyone isn't all smiles and happy moments. If you can't deal with the times when your SO isn't happy...then how are you going to handle a LTR?

 

What happens if Allie's man loses his job and is unemployed for a year? Does he think he won't get angry, frustrated, or emotional?

[Allie32]

You, too, are making negative assumptions. Perhaps this guy is interested in a small wedding, or one that follows traditions from his own country. I haven't noticed her even saying which country he's from to know what marriages are like there. Seems to me that most American traditions seem materialistic to most of the rest of the world, so spending what for most people is 6 to 24 months of your discretionary income on a wedding could seem objectionable. Maybe much of this was discussed, but Allie didn't go into it, so we can't just assume the worst about him.

 

 

I wasn't speaking in terms of a wedding "we" would have just in general. We had a really nice night until this conversation came up. The last 5 days have been wonderful and than POW- Back at square one.

[Kamille]

I hear this, and it's true - BUT I also think that the fact that he leapt from her discussing how much weddings tend to cost to calling her materialistic is really a crap move. There's a whole lot of negative assumption in there that is really not good. That's the sort of thing that makes this guy suspect, to me.

 

I agree. But that's precisely why I feel Allie is putting the horse before the cart. His moves and reactions indicate, to me, that they might not be as compatible as she thinks they are. Maybe he cannot offer the kind of emotional support she needs.

 

Only, she's just been through a rough time, their relationship has been rocky, and she seems to feel like she's getting better and their relationship is out of the storm. I think they owe it to each other to see if they are indeed on solid ground and to see if they can get past the last few months. Only, like I said, it takes more than 2 weeks (correction, 5 days) to get past months of trouble. The focus should be on rebuilding trust, communication, team-work.

 

There have been times I have felt that he has this idealistic view of what a relationship "should be". I told him this.

 

My bf is the kind of man that give the shirt off his back to a person in need. But at the same token he is a tough nut to crack emotionally. He is very stoic at times. He is a works alot. His job is very important to him, and it should be. He is definately a "thinker" where I'm more of a "feeler"

 

He told me he loves me but he is resentful of my moodyness and that it wasn't something he wanted to go through the rest of his life.

 

So he tells me he wants to work this out but than I have those comments floating around my head.

 

Again, the question for me would be: are you truly compatible?

 

You say you're a feeler, and then say you let (his) comments float around in your head. Those comments make you feel insecure - and that's understandable. But only you can make yourself secure, not him. You can choose how to get there. Like I said, it can involve asking yourself if he is capable of offering the kind of emotional support you need, or it can involve you recognizing that insecurity as your own, casting it aside for a few months, to see if you can make the relationship stronger.

 

And also, there is a difference between being a feeler (being lead by instincts, being in touch with emotions) and being insecure/dramatic. I am a feeler, but I am not dramatic. Do your feelings cause you to act in dramatic ways? Are they feeding anxiety and fear (or feeding on anxiety and fear)? Are they helpful to building a strong relationship and to getting past the rockyness of the past few months?

Edited September 15, 2011 by Kamille

[Allie32]

I agree. But that's precisely why I feel Allie is putting the horse before the cart. His moves and reactions indicate, to me, that they might not be as compatible as she thinks they are. Maybe he cannot offer the kind of emotional support she needs.

 

Only, she's just been through a rough time, their relationship has been rocky, and she seems to feel like she's getting better and their relationship is out of the storm. I think they owe it to each other to see if they are indeed on solid ground and to see if they can get past the last few months. Only, like I said, it takes more than 2 weeks (correction, 5 days) to get past months of trouble. The focus should be on rebuilding trust, communication, team-work.

 

 

 

Again, the question for me would be: are you truly compatible?

 

You say you're a feeler, and then say you let (his) comments float around in your head. Those comments make you feel insecure - and that's understandable. But only you can make yourself secure, not him. You can choose how to get there. Like I said, it can involve asking yourself if he is capable of offering the kind of emotional support you need, or it can involve you recognizing that insecurity as your own, casting it aside for a few months, to see if you can make the relationship stronger.

 

And also, there is a difference between being a feeler (being lead by instincts, being in touch with emotions) and being insecure/dramatic. I am a feeler, but I am not dramatic. Do your feelings cause you to act in dramatic ways? Are they feeding anxiety and fear (or feeding on anxiety and fear)? Are they helpful to building a strong relationship and to getting past the rockyness of the past few months?

 

 

I like to talk things out and not let things sit and fester. He would rather not talk about things a lot of times. He has a thing about making insensitive comments and than not expecting me to react or feel badly about them.

 

I want to move forward fresh and see if we can be better and stronger as a couple but than I have the things he said to me floating around and for me its making starting fresh difficult.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I like to talk things out and not let things sit and fester. He would rather not talk about things a lot of times. He has a thing about making insensitive comments and than not expecting me to react or feel badly about them.

 

You can't bash him for not communicating when you get hurt when he does tell you what he's actually thinking--he may not be communicating because he knows you get offended when you finally do hear what he's actually thinking. This is why I wish humans could read each other's minds, it'd all be so much easier. It sounds like you both didn't explore his materialistic comment far enough for whatever reason. What kind of wedding do you want? What will you think if he wants a small one with just family?

 

You've still not really given us enough information about your moodiness that has him thinking you're not "the one." You're not going to actually solve your conflict if you mostly present your own side of the story--all we can do without seeing what he's seen is validate your own feelings, which doesn't actually help with the reality of your relationship.

[Allie32]

How can we both move on if he is so resentful.

[Allie32]

You can't bash him for not communicating when you get hurt when he does tell you what he's actually thinking--he may not be communicating because he knows you get offended when you finally do hear what he's actually thinking. This is why I wish humans could read each other's minds, it'd all be so much easier. It sounds like you both didn't explore his materialistic comment far enough for whatever reason. What kind of wedding do you want? What will you think if he wants a small one with just family?

 

You've still not really given us enough information about your moodiness that has him thinking you're not "the one." You're not going to actually solve your conflict if you mostly present your own side of the story--all we can do without seeing what he's seen is validate your own feelings, which doesn't actually help with the reality of your relationship.

 

There is a such thing as having a filter or putting things in other words to not come across harsh or mean. If every human being walked around saying exactly whats on their minds and didn't filter things we would all be alone.

 

As far as me being moody, he said sometimes I yelled or "nagged". Like I said I'm not perfect and we have had many wonderful times, not just negative. But that is what he is focused on. I kind of wonder if we didn't live together if he would have just ended it with me.

[Kamille]

You can't bash him for not communicating when you get hurt when he does tell you what he's actually thinking--he may not be communicating because he knows you get offended when you finally do hear what he's actually thinking.

 

Exactly. You're assuming he's not communicating because that's his personality, but there could be an interactional component to this, just like there could be an interactional component to why he's still undecided as to whether or not you're the one. He just shared a concern and a doubt and instead of making him feel like you could hear him out, you slept on the couch.

 

Only you know how you reacted in the past to moments when he shared doubts or concerns. The question to me is this: did you always perceive any concern and doubt as a threat to the relationship, therefore reacting defensively to them, or did you see them as opportunities for compromise and growth? Did you hear him out and make him feel like this relationship was something you were constructing together? Or did you instead react from an emotional place and respond defensively?

 

If you constantly reacted defensively, he probably learned not to communicate his concerns. If when voicing your concerns you were constantly met with drama, you would probably also learn not to share them.

 

There is also a contradiction in your last post Allie. You say you talk things out instead of letting them fester... And yet, a few posts earlier you say you have a hard time not letting his comments float around in your head. Which is it? Does talking things out help you let things go or do they only contribute to you letting issues fester in your head?

[ThsAmericanLife]

I know that one's posting style is not always reflective of one's behavior in real life. But there is a certain correlation. Allie's postings here have suggested thoughtful behavior and a determination to get back on her feet; perhaps she was depressed, but that's understandable when one has lost one's job through no fault of one's own, isn't it? It doesn't sound like she was moody in the sense of giving him hell or screaming at him; just that she was sadder than usual, possibly down on herself and in a period where she might have needed more reassurance than usual.

 

Perhaps in a casual dating situation that would be too much to ask of someone. But in a long-term relationship that might be headed toward marriage, I think that's the sort of thing you want to know about your potential partner: when you have a personal mini-crisis, is your partner willing to step up and provide a little extra reassurance that things will be OK - or will s/he prefer to check out?

 

I agree. Assessing one's potential for marriage includes observing how the other person behaves during a life crisis.

 

My observation of many 'live in' BF/GF situations is that they split as soon as real life kicks in.

 

To the OP, please don't forget that this is a 'test' for him too. I agree with the other posters that there can be extremes in behavior that would test anyone's limits. It is totally normal to be 'down' when unemployed or underemployed. If your BF can't be supportive and is still somehow holding that against you, then I don't really know what to tell you.

 

There are many crisis in life that are MUCH much worse than losing a job... and if can't pull with ya on this one... I seriously doubt he'll be there for the others.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I kind of wonder if we didn't live together if he would have just ended it with me.

 

Yes.. and this is why living together before marriage is not recommended by many relationship professionals. There is a much higher % of divorce among those who live together before marriage and those who don't.

 

80% vs 50% the last time I looked.

[EnigmaticClarity]

There is a such thing as having a filter or putting things in other words to not come across harsh or mean. If every human being walked around saying exactly whats on their minds and didn't filter things we would all be alone.

 

That's EXACTLY why I wish we could read each other's minds. We'd stop being so sensitive about what we actually think about each other as children because we'd hear it constantly around us every minute of every day. As it is, we go around naive about what human beings actually think, and as a result, most of us go to our graves never understanding the human mind or how we're perceived by people.

 

As far as me being moody, he said sometimes I yelled or "nagged". Like I said I'm not perfect and we have had many wonderful times, not just negative.

 

Yea, still not enough info. We still can't objectively help you because you're not giving us both sides.

[Allie32]

There is also a contradiction in your last post Allie. You say you talk things out instead of letting them fester... And yet, a few posts earlier you say you have a hard time not letting his comments float around in your head. Which is it? Does talking things out help you let things go or do they only contribute to you letting issues fester in your head?

 

 

You give alot of insightful advice. Let me say that when I say his comments float around- Its comments like "the invite to the wedding wasn't a proposal of marriage" comments like that, which really get to me.

 

I like to talk things out by not making insensitive comments but by speaking to one another with respect and when he made comments like that, it makes me feel like he is trying to hurt my feelings.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I like to talk things out and not let things sit and fester. He would rather not talk about things a lot of times. He has a thing about making insensitive comments and than not expecting me to react or feel badly about them.

 

I want to move forward fresh and see if we can be better and stronger as a couple but than I have the things he said to me floating around and for me its making starting fresh difficult.

 

He has a double standard perhaps? He says whatever he wants and you are supposed to get over it?

 

But when you say something he doesn't like, he holds onto it for awhile??

 

hmmm.