Allie32 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Hi All, I'm new here and looking for some helpful insight. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year. We live together and I adore him. We don't have a perfect relationship but he has been wonderful to me. Over the last month things have been a little strained. He has been busy at work and I just started a new job. I was out of work for a few months due to the company I worked for closing. My boyfriend does very well - financially and took on alot of the responsibility for paying the bills and helping me with my own personal finances. I wasn't able to contribute financially due to my unemployment check being pretty small. So it was quite a relief when I got a job a few weeks ago. I think being the primary person paying the bills and supporting me for a few months started to get to him. And I understand why. I felt awful about it. He was more than understanding for awhile. Than just before I got this job we had an arguement and he made some comments about not wanting to "support me". I know he was frustrated. But lately he seems annoyed by little things. Also over the last month or so he isn't nearly as affectionate or sexually interested as he was before. I have asked him about it and he says he doesn't think he has changed. But he definately has. I asked him if he was losing his attraction to me and he said he wasn't and told me I was being silly. But I still can't shake this "feeling" that something isn't right. Maybe I'm being paranoid. I know he was stressed for paying alot of the bills and he didn't sign up for an unemployed girlfriend. But I just hoped once I started working things would get better, but it feels like its getting worse. I have only had one paycheck so far and haven't been able to contribute as much as I want to yet. He continues to tell me he understands. I don't know what to do. This morning I tried to be touchy feely or affectionate and he didn't want to hear it. He was just annoyed and left for work in a bad mood. This is really eating at me. I know for a fact that he isn't cheating, so its not someone else. Could the financial stuff being causing this?
TigerCub Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 How do you know for a fact that he's not cheating? Lets assume that he's not...it sucks to have to be responsible for providing for someone else sometimes. Some men out there want their wives to stay at home and raise kids and stuff, and some really don't. Some guys, although they want to help and be reliable, don't want someone to be fully dependent on them. I understand that you couldn't help with the money, but what were you like with your time off? Did you help with the house, did you find something productive to do (activities, hobbies, job searches,etc..) Because sometimes when a person has their SO just sit at home and not do much else (not saying that you did that, I don't know what you did), they get resentful and they see them as lacking any motivation. The good news is that you got a job and you can contribute now. If things don't change in his attitude, then maybe something else is going on.
Author Allie32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Well I was looking for work and interviewing like crazy. When I wasn't making that a top priority I was making sure the apartment was spotless, something I always do anyway, since I'm a neat freak. I had my moments too. Being out of work for me, was not dignifying. I lost my self worth and confidence, so I became moody. I'm better now that I'm working though.
Author Allie32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Money is a big culprit in divorce, right? I have never been married and my parents are still married. I really didn't grow up around any divorced people. From what I hear I'm sure it is. My parents had money issues when I was young but they always worked it out with love and respect for one another.
rightfield Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 You two really need to have a discussion about this. It doesn't sound like he is really engaging when you've tried to talk about it with him.
TigerCub Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Well I was looking for work and interviewing like crazy. When I wasn't making that a top priority I was making sure the apartment was spotless, something I always do anyway, since I'm a neat freak. I had my moments too. Being out of work for me, was not dignifying. I lost my self worth and confidence, so I became moody. I'm better now that I'm working though. Well its definitely good that you helped with the house and stuff - some don't even do that much. Now that you've explained more about feeling down, the low self esteem, the moodiness, now couple that with his feelings of pressure to provide for you, and there you have it - a glimpse into what being married is like to some people. It's scary and its not fun at all -> maybe thats what he saw and it made him pull back. maybe you both withdrew from one another and that's what's causing this rift in the R. It also occurred to me, that maybe because you felt so strongly about being out of work, maybe you're reading more into what he's doing or not doing, maybe you're being extra sensitive about it, and now if you push more for intimacy and closeness, it may make him feel smothered and have the opposite effect. Also, you didn't answer my question of 'how do you know for a fact that he isn't cheating?"
Author Allie32 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Well its definitely good that you helped with the house and stuff - some don't even do that much. Now that you've explained more about feeling down, the low self esteem, the moodiness, now couple that with his feelings of pressure to provide for you, and there you have it - a glimpse into what being married is like to some people. It's scary and its not fun at all -> maybe thats what he saw and it made him pull back. maybe you both withdrew from one another and that's what's causing this rift in the R. It also occurred to me, that maybe because you felt so strongly about being out of work, maybe you're reading more into what he's doing or not doing, maybe you're being extra sensitive about it, and now if you push more for intimacy and closeness, it may make him feel smothered and have the opposite effect. Also, you didn't answer my question of 'how do you know for a fact that he isn't cheating?" the cheating thing- that would go against everything he stands for. He isn't like that at all. I have 100 percent trust in him.
HappyPanda Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Im afraid that to be honest, it sounds like he may be starting to check out, emotionally. I would absolutely have a sit down with him at some point, maybe over a dinner you've made, and tell him how much his understanding and generosity meant to you.. and that you feel lucky to have him. I would then follow this by saying that you're concerned that he seems a little aloof. It could be nothing, he could be stressed at work, or his family, and taking it out on you. Human error. Or, it could be the more serious outcome, which I need not say. Now that you're working, maybe you should try and schedule a weekend away for the two of you. Get you out of your "natural habitat" beef up the romance Shaking things up can do wonders for the mind, body, and soul.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 If this were 1996, or 1999, then your concerns/questions about the unemployment factor would be greater cause for pause than they are now. Anybody today who can't look around them and see various families/couples cutting back noticeably because of the economy is living in a perfect environment. I think that while the strains were definitely there, your having returned to the ranks of the gainfully employed should ease anything that was directly related to finances. Hopefully you won't push and push and PUSH on the subject related to your recent unemployment and will instead slowly 're-engage' him with outside activities you can share as a couple. ("the best defense is a great offense" )
grkBoy Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 I think it's just a bad time and the mess of the economy probably got to him. Hopefully with you working this will pass. I also think that while I can understand a man or woman not wanting to support a boyfriend/girlfriend, they should also bear in mind if they want to get deeper in commitment and marry, things like this will happen. Don't walk the aisle unless you're ready to possibly support someone at some point. What if he became disabled? Or you both decided to have children and thus one parent would have to be SAH for a bit?
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