NC: Indifference to crash the dumper’s pride and ego

[CaliBabe]

Besmy your post is right. Pure psychology. I am so with this!

[Besmy]

My theory is just a thought I had and I thank you all for the input you are providing.

It's great to see different ideas and points of view. That's the purpose of having this great forum.

 

My theory was never meant to apply to all break ups because every situation is different.

It doesn't imply that the dumpee is happy if the dumper is unhappy.

It doesn't imply that the dumpee doesn't want to move on or is not moving on, on the opposite the dumpee is implementing NC precisely to move on.

 

I guess what I was trying to say is that it's not all black and white when it comes to feelings.

[Thornton]

Why can't Thornton's way of breaking up be viewed as acceptable? Isn't it more humane to just end it if that's what you know you want? Should she have stayed in the relationship unhappy?

Why is it cold and callous to end a relationship with someone you no longer want to be with? Isn't it crueller to continue stringing the person along, or to dump them but give them false hope of a reconciliation by giving them little crumbs of contact here and there? Isn't it crueller to tell them all the specific reasons you don't love them, rather than just saying the relationship doesn't work for you?

 

I think if you've made your decision about ending a relationship, the best approach is a clean break, without causing the dumpee additional pain by telling them all the things that turned you off.

 

 

To the OP would your theory work in my situation where I was the dumpee and she was the dumper because I wouldn't give her a commitment? She wanted us to move in together & sexual intimacy & I wouldn't give her any of those things in the 3 years we were together.

Three years is a very long time to date without progressing the relationship to the next level, especially if you weren't even having sex. I can understand why she ended the relationship. In that situation, I imagine she was as hurt about the breakup as you were. Why do you want to hurt her further?

 

 

So what about situations where my ex dumped me because I didn't reciprocate her love?

I once dumped someone because he didn't reciprocate my feelings. By the time I dumped him, the fact that he didn't reciprocate my love had slowly killed all my feelings for him, and to me he became an annoying person who was just using me without caring about me at all. So because all my feelings for him had died, I was glad to be rid of him.

 

 

Or does your theory only apply to dumpers who just lost feelings for their dumpees and felt smothered by them?

If the dumper no longer has feelings for you, you can't hurt them at all, because they couldn't care less about you. The only type of dumper you can hurt is one who still has some sort of feelings for you.

 

 

MOD deleted my post..... SERIOUSLY!!!!

 

what did I write that was worthy of deletion? I said nothing rude and discouraged the kind of comment towards thornton. that was truly lame.....

I imagine it was because your post quoted another post which was also deleted. Thank you for speaking up against unnecessarily venomous comments on this thread.

[shayla]

Going to have to agree with Thornton. Your ex who dumped you most likely thinks you're the dirt underneath their shoe and doesn't care if they never hear from you again or if you die alone in a ditch somewhere. You're a piece of sh*t to them basically and the only thing not contacting does is save your dignity.

 

 

People like the one described in this post are the ones that get the most angry when they are ignored...."how dare you get on with your life, how dare you recover from the way I treated you, you worthless piece of sh*t!"

 

My ex is the most selfish man alive. He married another woman two months after he broke up with me. He emailed me and told me how much in love he is with this woman and to never contact him again. Since then, he has asked several mutual friends about what I'm doing. He has gone to my fb page dozens of times. Why? Not because he gives a damn about me, but because I'm not suffering from what he did to me. It's all about him. And he isn't getting the satisfaction from me. He isn't able to gloat at my expense. That is the real pleasure a sadistic dumper gets, when he does not get it, it's unnerving to him.

 

I saw him last week, and he was dumbfounded that I looked at him like he was a stranger, walked past him, got into the car with my new bf and we both totally ignored him like he never existed.

 

His ego was crushed. The pleasure was mine because I stole his.

[Thornton]

Ok, well maybe I'm not that sort of dumper then. I didn't specifically want to hurt the dumpee; he was a nice guy, I just didn't want him in my life any more. I didn't wish him ill or want him to feel bad; I just wanted him to go away. I hoped that he would get over it quickly and be happy with someone else; I really didn't want him moping around and feeling bad, because that would make me feel bad. If he moved on with his life then I could be happy and guilt-free as I moved on with my life.

 

I really don't understand why the dumper would want the dumpee to feel any worse than was necessary, or why they would derive any satisfaction at all from seeing the dumpee suffer; that just seems spiteful and sadistic. Surely any decent person would want to see the dumpee recover quickly and move on?

 

When I dumped someone, I didn't derive any satisfaction from making them feel bad. I certainly had no desire to gloat, and I didn't get an ego boost from seeing them get upset. I wished them well, but I had no desire to contact them ever again. If I happened to bump into a dumpee and find out that his life was going well, I was happy because it relieved me of all guilt for having dumped him.

[immitable]

One thing we must not forget, is that when a relationship dies (and relationship require a lot of work) both sides are responsible for the death of the relationship.

 

Some people would say feelings are not beeing returned or whatever, others would say lack of communication.

 

I think a bad dumpee is the one who never used all possible means to save the relationship before it ended.

I mean if a person you are with is a total idiot than you are the one to blame as well, for being with that person in the first place or pretending that you love them or care.

 

Karma is something like you need to be hurt in order to realize the facts and be able to grow (this power is enormous), and we all tend to get hurt. Dumpers are not an exception, they live in oblivion until it strikes them as well someday.

[calreese]

One thing we must not forget, is that when a relationship dies (and relationship require a lot of work) both sides are responsible for the death of the relationship.

 

Some people would say feelings are not beeing returned or whatever, others would say lack of communication.

 

I think a bad dumpee is the one who never used all possible means to save the relationship before it ended.

I mean if a person you are with is a total idiot than you are the one to blame as well, for being with that person in the first place or pretending that you love them or care.

 

Karma is something like you need to be hurt in order to realize the facts and be able to grow (this power is enormous), and we all tend to get hurt. Dumpers are not an exception, they live in oblivion until it strikes them as well someday.

 

That's an incredible response. I agree that rarely is a breakup totally one person's fault. After it happens, each party tries to justify what happened using whatever means they can. I think this "justification" process is what usually keeps people dwelling over the split, they try to come up with checks and balances to why the relationship didn't work and who was at fault for what. I think a part of this process is trying to sway guilt from one side to the other in order to justify your own case. Only after time do they each see the big picture and by then, it's usually too late.

[mike588]

That's an incredible response. I agree that rarely is a breakup totally one person's fault. After it happens, each party tries to justify what happened using whatever means they can. I think this "justification" process is what usually keeps people dwelling over the split, they try to come up with checks and balances to why the relationship didn't work and who was at fault for what. I think a part of this process is trying to sway guilt from one side to the other in order to justify your own case. Only after time do they each see the big picture and by then, it's usually too late.

 

Yea but this (rarely is a breakup totally one persons fauly) doesn't apply when your other leaves you to go back to an ex.

There were no minor or major issues other than she was still in love with her ex.

[fiat500]

Sure. Both sides are responsible. I agree. But my ex shifted all the blame to me and I took it. He put me down in his last phone call to confirm the breakup and I couldn't even defend myself because it would seem "crazy" to him. He spewed all kinds of venom over the phone just to justify the end and they were nothing but lies and over exaggerations. It came out of nowhere. He lashed out and I was too shocked to say anything.

 

I was the only one who seemed to give a ****. I drove up to his university every other weekend last year to spend time with him and brought him a picnic lunch. At one point he told me the food wasn't what he was expecting and it would have been better if I had brought him something else. He gave me a complex. It's going to be a year in few months and I still feel like I'm not good enough.

[radiodarcy]

i hear you fiat. the ex treated me the same way. we had been co-workers and he started coming on really strong saying he wanted to be friends. that he liked the way i dressed that i seem quirky and fun and that it made him want to get to know me better.

 

but once he got to know me he seemed to get bored with me and started putting me down for those very same things he said attracted him to me in the first place.

 

he never took my advice on anything. and made me feel as though any body of knowledge i had on anything was worthless. or told me it was condescending. (nevermind he's a total tech nerd and had a wealth of knowledge on cameras and laptops. which made me feel dumb). he generally made me feel worthless. it was the most de-moralizing experience.

 

he's like a kid in a toy store who gets fixated on that one toy with all the really cool special features, takes it home; gets bored with those same features after about five minutes and then heads back to the store to find another toy with features to catch his eye until he bores with that one and so on....

Edited September 15, 2011 by radiodarcy

[bluenightowl]

Hi everyone,

 

After reading a few posts by dumpers and other material on the Internet I have been thinking about an aspect of NC which I think is very interesting. It’s about showing indifference as opposed to despair and / or anger and the effects of that indifference on the dumper’s ego.

 

The dumper feels empowered the moment (s)he ends the relationship:

 

• The dumper most likely thinks that (s)he is at the centre of the dumpee’s life

• The dumper knows that the dumpee doesn’t want a break up

• The dumper knows that the dumpee will be hurt and unhappy

• The dumper often doesn’t know whether the break up is really final (although (s)he may state that it is really final-final) or (s)he will change her / his mind at a later point. This doesn’t worry the dumper though because (s)he believes that the dumpee will be waiting indefinitely hoping to get back and will only be grateful to be taken back.

 

The dumper feels “stronger”, “superior”, (s)he is the “decision-maker”. Depending on his / her nature, this “empowerment” will produce different types of break ups (disappearing, dumping by text, by phone, in person, in a civil way, on good or bad terms etc. etc).

 

The more the dumpee cries and begs after the break-up, the more (s)he is fuelling the dumper’s pride / ego and “high” = “I am in control, I am stronger, I am everything to you and you are nothing to me, I do what I want, I decide for you and you have nothing to say”.

 

If the dumpee manages not to beg (“Really? It’s over? FINE!”) and immediately goes NC, I mean absolute NC (including blocking Fb etc.), then the dumper’s “high” will not longer be fuelled.

 

The dumpee, who until recently probably played a quite significant role in the dumper’s life and still has some degree of indirect influence, whether (s)he realises it or not, is not longer there to be “told”, to be “rejected”, to be “humiliated”.

 

The dumpee is showing INDIFFERENCE as opposed to anger / despair.

Anger and despair manifest attachment and feelings towards the dumper, who will continue to feel empowered and reinforced in his / her opinions listed above.

Indifference instead shows that the dumper has stopped existing for the dumpee. The dumpee cannot be “told”, “rejected”, “humiliated” any more.

 

The dumper, who thought to be at the centre of the dumpee’s life, will start wondering how on earth the dumpee can live without him / her. His /her pride and ego will be hurt. No doubt about it. This may cause the dumper to text / contact the dumpee not necessarily out of genuine interest or to get back but just to get that “high” again and to bother the dumpee who dares managing to live without him / her.

 

Some say that indifference is lethal, it kills.

I’m not angry at you, why should I be angry, you are nothing to me, you don’t even exist.

 

Your opinions are appreciated.

 

I think you are on to something. Its also called the silent treatment and people hate it. It is a deep feeling that's part of human nature.

[Avelia]

I totally agree although I'd rather its not true - its the ugly truth of human nature

 

oh n i really like this line - I wish I have a chance to say it lol

 

I’m not angry at you, why should I be angry, you are nothing to me, you don’t even exist.

[Thornton]

That's an incredible response. I agree that rarely is a breakup totally one person's fault.

 

Hmmm. I really don't think it was my ex's fault that I dumped him. In some cases, yes, the dumpee does something that upsets or turns off the dumper, or fails to work on the relationship, or isn't a good partner. But in my case the dumpee really didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he could have tried harder to share my interests or be a bit more fun, but I can't really fault him for just being himself.

 

What it came down to was that he didn't have the traits, qualities and shared interests that I wanted in a long term partner. He was a good person and really he did nothing wrong; he just didn't fit with what I wanted in a relationship, and obviously he couldn't become a whole different person just to please me. The problem was mine; he was a nice guy actually, and the breakup wasn't his fault.

 

Similarly, I don't think it was my fault when my ex chose to lie and cheat, or when my other ex hit me, or when my other ex chose to go back to his previous gf. The problem was theirs, not mine. So I think it's more like a 50/50 split between relationships where both people could have tried harder, and relationships where one person is dissatisfied and it really isn't the other person's fault.

[danceallday]

The ignoring tactics we are using during extreme nc is called shunning. It is used by religious groups such as Jehovah's Witnesses and Shakers. It is extreme social and mental rejection. It is really the only civilized way to deal with someone whose behavior is unacceptable to you. It also sends a very clear message if you have friends, family, and others participate in the shunning. I have been shunning my ex for nine weeks now, including ignoring him if I happen to see him in a place we both frequent.

[Movingthrough]

This theory is very much true. I have thought lately about responding to my ex in kind of an "angry" way but like you posted above, that technically fuels the fire, it shows emotion that shows need.

 

My situation has been kind of weird but i notice that everytime i truthfully fall out of her life, she seems to miss that high..

[Thornton]

The ignoring tactics we are using during extreme nc is called shunning. It is used by religious groups such as Jehovah's Witnesses and Shakers.

 

Yeah, but shunning only works for Jehovah's Witnesses because they're being shunned by people they care about, and that's hurtful. I don't think shunning someone is hurtful if they don't care about you; they're probably just glad that you're leaving them alone.

[fiat500]

The only thing NC like this will do is save you from embarrassment and help you heal.

 

I suppose as dumpees we like to fancy the dumper feeling bad about what they did to us, but they are just fantasies. Dumpers don't care. They are living their lives to the fullest while we mope around. It's hard to accept but we are garbage to them.

 

You don't really think about the tissue you throw out after blowing your nose on it. It's like that.

[fiat500]

i hear you fiat. the ex treated me the same way. we had been co-workers and he started coming on really strong saying he wanted to be friends. that he liked the way i dressed that i seem quirky and fun and that it made him want to get to know me better.

 

but once he got to know me he seemed to get bored with me and started putting me down for those very same things he said attracted him to me in the first place.

 

he never took my advice on anything. and made me feel as though any body of knowledge i had on anything was worthless. or told me it was condescending. (nevermind he's a total tech nerd and had a wealth of knowledge on cameras and laptops. which made me feel dumb). he generally made me feel worthless. it was the most de-moralizing experience.

 

he's like a kid in a toy store who gets fixated on that one toy with all the really cool special features, takes it home; gets bored with those same features after about five minutes and then heads back to the store to find another toy with features to catch his eye until he bores with that one and so on....

 

Hi radiodarcy. You described that type of man perfectly. They are kids in a toy store who don't put value on anything since they can keep upgrading (or downgrading) and they will never take away the lessons that these relationships teach them because it's never their fault and they can always count on the next person having the same features. They are spoiled brats.

 

I find myself hoping that one day people like this end up shooting themselves in the foot but I don't know anymore.

[Way2blue]

Ok. I can tell you from recent experience that whether or not the dumper feels bad about the nc, it really serves to help us heal and get on with our lives.

My guy went back to his ex right after we said goodbye (if not before). I've been an emotional wreck because I still love him but he was treating me badly. Anyway, I called him yesterday because I had a feeling he needed a friend. Sure enough, there have been some upsetting things going on with him. We talked for about 45 min and it was just like when we used to talk as friends, before we were dating. I didn't ask him anything personal or bring her up or say I missed him or anything. I just told him to stay in touch and he said he would.

Now I find myself back to square one and miss him terribly again. And I am hoping for his call. Before it was easier accepting that he was gone. Don't do it! Just pretend they don't exist anymore!

[bluenightowl]

Yeah, but shunning only works for Jehovah's Witnesses because they're being shunned by people they care about, and that's hurtful. I don't think shunning someone is hurtful if they don't care about you; they're probably just glad that you're leaving them alone.

 

They are happy you're leaving them alone at the beginning if you they have someone else, but they won't forget completely and when there situation changes is often when the calls start to come. Thats been my experience.

 

But regardless, the quicker you forget about them as a dumpee the better for you. If they come back 2 months later, chances are you will have moved on too, and if they don't come back you will have moved on. A win win.

 

If you write back to break up emails, call them etc. you are just transferring any dignity left to them, and making yourself look less attractive to them, but most importantly, it will mean that it will take far longer to get over them.

[mike588]

They are happy you're leaving them alone at the beginning if you they have someone else, but they won't forget completely and when there situation changes is often when the calls start to come. Thats been my experience.

 

But regardless, the quicker you forget about them as a dumpee the better for you. If they come back 2 months later, chances are you will have moved on too, and if they don't come back you will have moved on. A win win.

 

If you write back to break up emails, call them etc. you are just transferring any dignity left to them, and making yourself look less attractive to them, but most importantly, it will mean that it will take far longer to get over them.

 

I like the win win situation you mentioned. I'm not sure I understand your 1st paragragh. I get the,,, they are happy your( the dumpee) are leaving them alone(the dumper) but what next? I kinda get it but kinda don't

[bluenightowl]

I like the win win situation you mentioned. I'm not sure I understand your 1st paragragh. I get the,,, they are happy your( the dumpee) are leaving them alone(the dumper) but what next? I kinda get it but kinda don't

 

I meant that at first the dumper often is happy to get out of the relationship. They really don't care if you call or not. Actually often they prefer you don't call esp. if they have a new fling going. However, if that flings ends or turns out to be not what they expected/projected, then the dumpees silence has power in that, they may then wonder how the dumpee is doing, and if they made a mistake. It doesn't happen all the time, but it happens. Now if you as a dumpee cry on the phone to her begging to be taken back all the time, she'll never wonder, and she'll definitely never ever take you back.

 

One more tip for the dumpee during this period if to avoid drugs/alcohol etc. and get busy with friends and the gym. It will make a huge difference for you in terms of shortening the time it take to get over someone. But you'll never be able to avoid the pain of the breakup, but handling the breakup well will really serve you well for your future relationships.

[mike588]

I meant that at first the dumper often is happy to get out of the relationship. They really don't care if you call or not. Actually often they prefer you don't call esp. if they have a new fling going. However, if that flings ends or turns out to be not what they expected/projected, then the dumpees silence has power in that, they may then wonder how the dumpee is doing, and if they made a mistake. It doesn't happen all the time, but it happens. Now if you as a dumpee cry on the phone to her begging to be taken back all the time, she'll never wonder, and she'll definitely never ever take you back.

 

One more tip for the dumpee during this period if to avoid drugs/alcohol etc. and get busy with friends and the gym. It will make a huge difference for you in terms of shortening the time it take to get over someone. But you'll never be able to avoid the pain of the breakup, but handling the breakup well will really serve you well for your future relationships.

 

Thanks for clarifying that. My ex g/f went back to her ex b/f and I only cried when she told me then the next over the phone but no begging, pleading involved.

 

Been approx. 5 weeks of N.C. and have been curious if things don't work out again, 3rd time between them if she will ever try to contact me.

Good post, thanks.

[bluenightowl]

Thanks for clarifying that. My ex g/f went back to her ex b/f and I only cried when she told me then the next over the phone but no begging, pleading involved.

 

Been approx. 5 weeks of N.C. and have been curious if things don't work out again, 3rd time between them if she will ever try to contact me.

Good post, thanks.

 

yeah, I remember reading your story of your breakup. That was a tough one for sure and good story/lesson for others. Its good to hear you have managed 5 weeks of NC. That is impressive.

 

One other side point from my experience is when you go NC, I find 6 months or beyond you do often hear from them (sometimes just to take as a friend), and sometimes you can even touch base occasionally (by then I've usually moved on so its not a big deal) whereas the ones you beg to get back will run away and you never hear back from them. So the stronger you appear the better.

[mike588]

Thanks again. I'm not sure which post of mine you read but I'd like for her to contact me months down the road after I'm healed and have moved on 100% just to say FU*K YOU! That will make me feel so good and justify my pain.

 

As far as the begging and pleading, do you mean constantly doing that, almost every day, ever few days per week, month and so on? Is one time acceptable the day of the breakup to not look pathetic, chance to get them back? I was so shell shocked I may have done it when she told me.

 

Oh I did join a gym and it helps.

Edited September 17, 2011 by mike588