d'janiero Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) Have I really lost my mind guys? Basically my ex moved to Australia a week ago: Full story can be found here? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=294894 We've been broken up for 3 months now, but only ever really done full NC for 2 weeks during that period. Since shes been over there, shes phoned me on a number of occasions, and messages me every day. Shes been pleading with me to come over and work there for a few months and be with her. I refused and said that things were different now, as we were no longer in a relationship. But she still persisted. The crazy thing is, I don't want to sound needy by bringing up our relationship But heres the thing.....I have an Angel and Demond sat on either shoulder. The Angel is telling me to go, as this is what we planned all along a month or so before we split. And maybe being in another country in a new environment could bring us back together. More importantly I hate my job with a passion, I've never really travelled the world, and you only live once I guess. Then the demond on the other hand is telling me to f*ck that, and remember that she was the one who finished with me. Plus if I do go, she is basically having her cake and eating it too, and may lose respect for me i.e. what ever she does against me, she'll know no matter what I'll always be there...kinda like a door mat. I'm confused to say the least as, once she got on the plane I thought that would have been it...she would have moved on with her life and I would never here from her again. Can anyone give me their thoughts on this, as to what I should do? Thanks Edited September 5, 2011 by d'janiero
smudge21 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 Think you have your angel and demon mixed round there mate - the angel is the one reminding you of the truth and why you shouldn't go runnng to her, whereas the demon is the one saying go for it, ignoring all the past problems. Whatever caused the split needs to be solved first before you make such a big leap, and as you're both talking that is the perfect time to get some things off your chest, same for her too. That said, it's only the other side of the world and you can always come back. The way I see it is, she's moved away, a stranger in a strange land so to speak, and you're her connection to her old familiar location. Yes, there are others, but there's a bond between you two. Now my concern is once she's settled, will the communication become less. Will you go out there and find her becoming distant. At the moment you're far away but if you were close by again, would things just go back to how they were before she left. Do you get what I'm saying. I'd hate for you to go out there and regret it - maybe you could go for a few weeks or a month for a long holiday, but not just to see her. Either way, talk to her first.
Dblock10 Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 i say go mate. you planned it, she is giving all the right signals etc i know you say she might loose respect for you. i think its a catch 22, she may loose respect for you if you dont go. i think she will probably have more respect if you did go. I say speak to her, but go out there on a trial basis, i.e work a few months and see how it goes
Author d'janiero Posted September 7, 2011 Author Posted September 7, 2011 (edited) Whatever caused the split needs to be solved first before you make such a big leap, and as you're both talking that is the perfect time to get some things off your chest, same for her too. Thanks for the response smudge:) We' ve been talking everyday since she left (contact always initiated by her), I managed to get alot of my chest, as did she. I think this was always one of the major flaws of our relationship....cummunications about our feelings. Anyway in the end she ended up saying she wants to be with me and try again, even if its when she returns to the UK, but would much prefer for me to come over to Oz and start over with her and share the experience. I was so shocked at this, as I never thought I'd here her say this (shes really stubborn). I said I needed time to think, and didn't wonna just dive back into a relationship for it not to work again, let alone travel all the way to oz. I really do need to establish why she broke up with me initially. Me personally, I think it was slight gigs and the aftermath of cancer. But I guess nows the best time to ask her why. The way I see it is, she's moved away, a stranger in a strange land so to speak, and you're her connection to her old familiar location. Yes, there are others, but there's a bond between you two. Now my concern is once she's settled, will the communication become less. Will you go out there and find her becoming distant. At the moment you're far away but if you were close by again, would things just go back to how they were before she left. Do you get what I'm saying. Seriously valid point and this is one of my main concerns. I would much rather like to sit down and discuss this with her face to face, but obviously this isnt posible:(. I'd hate for you to go out there and regret it - maybe you could go for a few weeks or a month for a long holiday, but not just to see her. Either way, talk to her first. I was thinking to go for just a couple of weeks maybe. But for the cash I'm goin to spend on going over there, it makes sense to stay a lil longer. A good friend of mine lived out there for 30 years and said the exact same thing. Plus I'm seriously in need of a holiday/break and unhappy with work/where I live at the moment. As crazy as it sounds going over there, and having the relationship fail again, won't be as bad as having to wake up each day and going to a job I hate with a passion. i say go mate. you planned it, she is giving all the right signals etc i know you say she might loose respect for you. i think its a catch 22, she may loose respect for you if you dont go. i think she will probably have more respect if you did go. I say speak to her, but go out there on a trial basis, i.e work a few months and see how it goes I hear you dude. Like I said, I'm still in shock with everything that has happened since I posted this thread. I'm also surprised that she said even if I didnt come over, she wanted to try again and be with me when she returns in a few months. Before she broke up with me, the plan was for the both of us to travel to oz and work for a few months. I was gutted not only by the breakup, but that I no longer was going to be able to travel and see the world. I'd only stay until xmas or January if I did go, and I'm alot stronger now, so would just fly back and leave if it wasnt working (but I seriously want it to work) They say in life becareful what you wish for, and now one of my wishes has come true, I seriously cant seem to decide what to do.......:s Edited September 7, 2011 by d'janiero
smudge21 Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 You may give her the emotional support and comfort she needs following such a move, but how long will that last? Moving for someone is a big commitment, even when the two people are together. In your situation it's a big ask from her to expect you to do this after what's happened. Couldn't you video-chat or something similar and get this sorted that way rather then flying out? At least that way you can see her reactions (much better than a phone call). Fair enough, if you want a break then do it for a month, I just worry that she is your only friend out there and if things go wrong, you could end up being very hurt and very alone. Any chance you could go out there with a friend or two? Make it into a proper holiday with seeing her too. Whatever you decide, don't rush into it.
Author d'janiero Posted September 8, 2011 Author Posted September 8, 2011 Again, could'nt agree more with what you're saying. Without making excuses for her, she did say she understood if I didnt wonna travel all this way, and would be more than willing to give us a shot when she returns. I'm working on geting skpe at the moment, so I can speak to her. Its funny you say that, asI did infact ask some of my friends to come, but they're unable to at the moment. Yeah I need time to think, and I've told her that. But honestly part of me just feels to take the risk and go. I may sound stupid, but since the breakup, I've kind of conditioned myself (well started trying to mentally) to simply walk away from any future relationship if I feel things are not going well (not just with my ex but any other woman), rather than persivering and making things worse in the long run. I used to be like this when I was younger, but I became quite lax with it over the past few years.
smudge21 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 It's very easy to say we feel better and we're healed and ready to date again or whatever when we haven't seen the ex in a while or just had minimal contact, but those feelings can so easily come flooding back when/if we meet up with them - so could the hurt. I have no problem with the idea of you actually just doing this, but I'm concerned that it all seems to good to be true right now - all this want and need from her seems more like she's made these life changes and may just be using you to cling on to her past a little. Once she's settled, she may lose interest. I would hate for you to go out there and have to go through everything you've been through over here. Who would you turn to if she was the only friend you have out there? I definitely think you need other options - a friend to go with or someone else you know out there, just in case. Failing that, give it a while and let her settle, see how she is in a few weeks time. If the contact is still full on and she's still wanting you out there, then consider giving it a shot for a month. Check into open return tickets if you can afford to stay there for longer. If she's however starting to get quiet on you or you have any doubts then at least you haven't made the journey yet.
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