my coping journal

[waliz]

Since I seem to need to post here (where people understand) I thought I'd start my own journal.

 

Quick backstory:

Five years in a relationship, 18 months ago bought house and live together with his two kids. Things have been very rocky. Losts of "life events" that would have been more than enough to go through if it were just one. Two weeks ago I found out he took a trip with another woman, who has periodically become a source of conflict in the past. He comes home from vacation at the same time and we discuss HER. He at the same time says I have caused too much conflict and he just wants peace-peace without me. He gave examples of things where I made too much conflict that were really two sided things. Yes there was conflict-but in each example he had been thoughtless and just wanted to get his way. Or, he had made some type of lie and I found out. But the way he remembers these events is completely different than what occurred. So I'm moving this weekend. I don't want to.

 

I'm pissed about this whole thing:

1. the other woman

2. blaming me

3. his lying

4. his having no commitment to work things out

5. wasting 5 years

6. his unwillingness to try and work things out

7. he says it has always been this way and he wants it to end-WHY DIDN'T HE SAY SOMETHING BEFORE WE BOUGHT THE HOUSE.

8. the fact that I'm the one that has to move (big house I can't afford on my own)

9. feeling like a loser for being dumped

 

I can't believe I'm posting all this, but somehow it feels better.

[antinko]

Since I seem to need to post here (where people understand) I thought I'd start my own journal.

 

Quick backstory:

Five years in a relationship, 18 months ago bought house and live together with his two kids. Things have been very rocky. Losts of "life events" that would have been more than enough to go through if it were just one. Two weeks ago I found out he took a trip with another woman, who has periodically become a source of conflict in the past. He comes home from vacation at the same time and we discuss HER. He at the same time says I have caused too much conflict and he just wants peace-peace without me. He gave examples of things where I made too much conflict that were really two sided things. Yes there was conflict-but in each example he had been thoughtless and just wanted to get his way. Or, he had made some type of lie and I found out. But the way he remembers these events is completely different than what occurred. So I'm moving this weekend. I don't want to.

 

I'm pissed about this whole thing:

1. the other woman

I've never been cheated on (well, I don't think so. Maybe my exes were all professional liars), but I can imagine how awful that must have been. You have, however, dodged a bullet. You don't want to be with a cheater.

 

2. blaming me

 

It's easier to blame, but those who blame and stick to it aren't happy because they're just trying to cover up major shortcomings in their own character. If anything, pity him.

 

3. his lying

Lies are a massive bugbear of mine. I find that people who claim to be 'upfront' tend to lie a lot too which is ironic. Anyway, you don't want to be with a liar. This other woman has one hell of a character to deal with by the sounds of it. Focus on healing.

 

4. his having no commitment to work things out

 

Yeh, I know that one. It's rubbish but unfortunately such non-committal characters aren't going to be very successful in long term meaningful relationships if they're not willing to take the rough with the smooth. They're very immature.

 

5. wasting 5 years

 

It wasn't a waste. It was five years where I'm sure some good things happened, but also you learned a lot and you're not going to let anyone put you through these bad experiences again because you sound like quite a grounded person who will look after themselves.

 

6. his unwillingness to try and work things out

Again, immature of him.

7. he says it has always been this way and he wants it to end-WHY DIDN'T HE SAY SOMETHING BEFORE WE BOUGHT THE HOUSE.

 

Another lie. It's a child's complaint to moan and say "Oh you never do this..." or "It's always like that..." It's a cheap way of trying to put a guilt trip on you and make it seem like your fault when it isn't. Yet another method of covering up his shortcomings.

 

8. the fact that I'm the one that has to move (big house I can't afford on my own)

 

I can't really comment on this one because I've not experienced it, but I suspect that perhaps some of the blame he's trying to put on you is to cover up the fact he probably feels somewhat guilty that he's putting you through a crap time, but he's too immature to face facts. You have my sympathy on this one.

 

9. feeling like a loser for being dumped

Yeh, 'dumped' is such a rubbish word too. It's like our exes literally crap us out of the relationship... Sorry about the imagery but it actually makes me smirk a bit.

 

Anyway, you're not a loser because you're going to cope with this and find a better deal for yourself. Your ex is the loser.

 

I can't believe I'm posting all this, but somehow it feels better.

 

It's often helpful to share difficult things with complete strangers because we don't know you and can provide more objective help.

 

My responses are in bold.

[waliz]

Thanks for your thoughtful, generous feedback.

 

My next lesson learned: I'm seeing a counselor to help me process all that has gone on. I asked him when would I be ready to meet new people (men for dates)? We both agreed that it was NOT NOW, since I live with my ex.

 

I liked what the counselor said. He said when the things that get me so upset now (his cheating, his blaming, the thought of him with this other woman, his wasting of my life, his announcing he was done within hours of us having some very nice time together, his unwillingness to acknowledge the good stuff we had in our relationship and all the good times), when these things don't bother me much, I will be ready for a new relationship.,

 

Moving this weekend! Time for my new life to start.

[antinko]

Best wishes on the move.

[waliz]

Thanks. Move is three days away. Today I blocked him from my email at work-and all I wanted to do is check my junk mail to see if there is something there (that's where it will go). Nothing. Every car I hear out the window I hope is his. I've got to get out of here. I want to text him to find out when he's coming home.

 

I had the very sad realization that when I maintain "no contact" I'll never hear from him again. He will move on, and I will struggle to find peace.

 

I have fallen into romanticizing the relationship and him. I caught my self thinking about HER, and that he likes HER more than me.

 

The last thing I feel like doing is finishing up my packing. Putting my life in boxes because he changed his mind and met her.

[waliz]

It is hitting me that this is over. Living with him this short while has given me a buffer and allowed me to intellectualize what is happening. Two more nights in this house and then I start sleeping in my own little bed, in my own little apartment. I started making some plan so I am not so alone and I realized I can't make plans for every night. I've had nights alone of course, but I always knew he'd be home. Now it's hitting me that he's not going to be there.