Well, that didn't last long.

[Chinook]

Chinook,

 

Was your husband battling depression before he was unemployed or vice versa? I would suspect that he would feel, at least somewhat, emasculated that you are carrying most of the responsibilities of the household. In my house I was doing the same thing, but when I lost my cool I think I reaffirmed all those negative feelings he had about himself. He left partly because I was just another reminder of what he had become. We were married for 8 months.

I don't know whether he was battling depression or has done. I don't think so, but I can't be sure. The last couple of days quite a few things are coming home to me which I hadn't really seen.

 

I have no doubt that his mother thinks he's being petty, and I'm curious as to how much he has told her. But I bet she does know this; her son is throwing in the towel before he even puts his gloves on to fight for the marriage.

Well actually now that we have talked I know much more than I did previously and 'petty' is only what he chose to tell me and how he 'chose' to frame it. It actually transpires that because I couldn't feel heard, so emailed him my doubts concerns and a harsh kick up the bum, he decided to show this email to his mother and explain it to her that I had kicked him whilst down and her opinion now is that I am a bully and abusive. Not kidding. Like I said, he has irreparably damaged my relationship with his parents, but this is not the half of it.

 

When you have talked to him recently has the subject of MC come up at all?

Yes, he brought it up. I don't have a problem with it - in fact I would relish going because maybe someone would be able to explain to him how he isn't hearing me.

 

What worries me especially is that he may be using this as a way to manipulate you and punish you for holding up that mirror. Is this a possiblity? If so, it's a cruel tactic that will make you walk on eggshells and unable to confront any conflicts for fear that he will walk away.

Now, this is more on the money. In the talks the last few days he has told me I am not to email him as he can't respond. I explained that when one party doesn't feel they are being heard, an alternative method of communication is desirable rather than none at all - almost all counsellors will advise that. But he says it is aggressive and bullying - and abusive. So that avenue is closed to me now. Consequently I now not only feel like I'm walking on eggshells, but I have effectively been silenced. He knows I can't talk or discuss things face-to-face as well as he does and so I am constantly defending my corner. He will always be able to assault me with his words because I will never be able to defend myself against his accusations and arguments. It's wrong but it would appear to be something I have bought into for now. Example yesterday: he came home on Sunday and then yesterday morning, he reacted to a minor action (I asked him NOT to do some laundry) by being rude and sarcastic with me and there really was no need for it. I couldn't question it as I knew it would start another argument. I had to swallow my words and thoughts and wait - when I brought it up later he said he knew he reacted wrongly. So I explained that I had not 'pushed him to it' in that instance and that he does have control over his reactions and responses. He said that had upset him as it made him realise he is out of control at times. I pointed out that in his head he may 'feel pushed' but one day that may have dire consequences.

 

Sorry this is all over the place, but your situation gets my mind reeling. And one more question, what does he do for you (generally) that makes you feel loved and cared for?

It makes my mind reel too - what does he do to make me feel loved and cared for...? Right now, not an awful lot. In fact it's a lot of what I don't do and am not capable of to maintain the relationship which comes out of his mouth. As I said, I find myself defending my corner quite a lot.

[Chinook]

He doesn't necessarily have to "go away." If you are wickedly good at putting up those boundaries, you can really set it up kinda well.

 

In this state though, you are going to end up talking a lot of to him and trying to get answers etc.

 

Just totally resist that.

 

Oh I didn't get many answers at all. He came back on Monday (it was a holiday here) and wanted to talk. I didn't want to talk but didn't really have any choice, I didn't want a scene. So as I said above, I listened (mainly) and took part in 9 hours of unconstructive back and forth about the crap things I have done. How I have said this, said that, done this etc. I did sit there thinking 'if this is so bad, why do you want to come back?' and when I put this to him he said he wants it to work.

 

When he comes to you like: "my shoelace won't tie up, I can't do my job search, my piano lessons aren't going so well and I want some pizza and the phone is over there...."

 

Something along the lines of: "Well you'll figure something out." Really positive upbeat tone. (which absolutely no sarcasm or any other disclaimer like "you're an adult blah blah" or "I can't be expected to blah blah blah all the time.")

Yes, he asked me yesterday about how he has two interviews lined up but he isn't sure whether to go for them as he's not sure whether it's the right time. I was aghast at this - the economic climate being what it is, surely you go for what is offered. But hey that's just me.

 

I knew that your dude would pop back. I wasn't expecting this quick, but mine always comes back 10x quicker then I expect. Easy run, easy return.

 

I practically guarantee that he will repeat this and test and test. If you get really strong emotionally, like really build up that internal fortitude, you just reframe the running thing as his stress and avoidant reaction. That's all it really is.

I have to say, if he repeats this, he is not coming back. I cannot take this anymore. The last couple of days have hammered home to me that it doesn't really matter what I want, I may as well as for the moon, I won't get it. He wanted to talk, he talked. He wanted to come back, he has come back. He wants to move on, he'll move on - until the next time. My best friend said that she thinks his little dose of victim is over for now... until the next explosion. She also noted that because of the way he has silenced me and put me down effectively this time, I will not be the cause of it, so it will be interesting to see what that will be. More importantly it's like living with a sword hanging over your head, you don't know whether he will hit the roof or run away from one moment to the next.

 

The more he does not get the reaction he is looking for from you and realizes that he risks losing you over it, the more he will likely smarten up. And no, telling him that "you're gonna lose me if you blah blah blah" just simply doesn't work with these guys. Verbal is just, ugh, unless your words match your actions to a T.

Oh no, I have never told him he will lose me if... but he will. I can't take this indefinitely. I wanted a marriage not a one sided victimisation show.

 

Finally, Monday night when he came home he did a couple of things which upset me. I didn't say anything because I was bright enough to see that it was a reassertion of control. I am not sure they were intentional but all the same the feeling behind it for me was pretty dire and my guts have been in turmoil ever since. First we're lying in bed, I'm reading and I glance at him to see him staring at me. Not looking at me lovingly, staring. It unnerved me. I asked was he okay, he said yes. A little later, I turned my back to him as I was uncomfortable - only a slight turn and he was reading over my shoulder. Next I feel a hand on my neck in the carotid pulse region. It wasn't a stroking motion or a gently light touch motion. It was a fairly firm feeling of my pulse. It made me uncomfortable because the first thing that flew into my mind was 'all he would have to do now is squeeze' and I couldn't stay there, I moved. At the time, I ignored it and let it go but it did feel very intimidating. But then I brought it up yesterday (Tues) and explained that the action while of itself was nothing, actually felt quite intimidating in light of all of our previous discussions. He said I was imagining things and being paranoid. He wasn't buying that he has control over his reactions and responses and I explained that his lack of awareness and inability to control his defensiveness and quickness to jump into the fray is quite scary and one day it may be a bad thing. But again, I said this calmly and with no malice or blaming in my voice but he didn't agree and instead, I'm paranoid. No inkling that even if he doesn't intend it, his actions can be intimidating and scary.