7 long years.

[lostangel]

we were together for 7 long years. granted, it was on and off. but it had always been him and me. we had the most fun, telling stories, sharing secrets, growing together, talking about a life together in the future. then i got pregnant and everything was perfect. he supported me all the way. he was so excited about it. we planned on getting married in 5 years after i gave birth when we're both financially and emotionally ready. we're both only 27 and haven't made our marks on the world.

 

then my world crumbled when he admitted to having caught an STD while we were together 3 years ago from a one night stand. he gave me antibiotics to take for a 'throat infection' but it was a preventive measure in case i caught it, too. he told me this a week before i gave birth because he was scared it may affect the baby.

 

i stayed with him even if my mind was screaming at me to run like hell, because now there's a baby involved. but i couldn't help thinking if i knew about it then, i would've broken up with him a long time ago. it was like the relationship was just a lie.

 

the baby came and things got worse. i couldn't get over his STD confession. i'd question everything, check his phone, i just didn't feel secure in our relationship anymore and he wasn't doing anything to help. we started fighting a lot, name-calling, cussing, hating each other. actually saying things like i hope you die... it may have been the pressure of your world suddenly changing overnight. we both weren't prepared for the baby. but i coped. i did my best. he, on the otherhand, let go.

 

he ran away scared. straight to the arms of a coworker. he cheated on me 3 months after i gave birth to his beautiful son. and when i found out, i told him he won't be able to see his son anymore, he beat me up. i ran to the kitchen and pointed a knife at him to get him to leave. then i called the cops, got a medico-legal report just in case, and then i found myself alone for the first time in 7 years.

 

i gave him everything. he pulled the rug out from under me. i'm still in shock. i don't know what to do. i haven't even cried at all. i'm scared if i start i won't know how to stop. and the baby, the beautiful, beautiful baby. he looks so much like his dad. i can't take care of him right because with all the stress, my milk supply has decreased significantly and i can't breastfeed him anymore. they say a baby feels whatever the mom is feeling, and i hate that i'm projecting all this sadness and bitterness on him at 3 months.

 

the dad has tried to contact me to see his son. but i'm still mad. he never once helped me clean the bottles. hated changing diapers. didn't know how to make a bottle of formula. didn't know what to do when the baby started crying. he'll just hand the baby over to me.

 

he said he was overwhelmed with everything. he missed the single life. he couldn't deal with the responsibilities, with being tied down to me. but he wants to keep being a part of his son's life.

 

for me that's unfair because he gets everything he wants. live like a single guy, be a dad whenever it suits him. on the otherhand, i'm now a single mom. i work all day and take care of the baby all night, and no one's taking care of me anymore. i need looking after, too.

 

i told him i won't let someone like him be part of my son's life. he can take me to court if he wants, we're not married. all he gets is visitation rights. i will give that to him but i won't give it to him that easily. he's a pothead, so i'll ask for a drugtest before the visits. and it's gonna be on a day i say, and on a time i want, in a place i choose. i'll only give that to him after he takes me to court. my stepdad's my lawyer so i don't have to worry about the fees.

 

i know i'm so angry and bitter and it's unbecoming. but i was really hurt. i believed we were gonna be together forever. we told all our friends. and then just because he got scared, he ran. straight to someone else that he says he has no commitment with. it's all pure fun. and what was i, chopped liver? he left me hanging. i don't even know how to pick up the pieces. i can't let my guards down because i have to take care of our son. i love the little angel so much.

 

the sad thing is, i think i still love him. i want him back. but if i actually get him back, it will just drive me crazy because the trust is completely gone. they say once someone starts hitting someone, it can happen again. but i want him to want to come back. i want him to choose to make it work with me so we can have a happy family. but i don't know if that will ever happen. i'm not even sure if i want it to happen. i just know i miss how we were. i miss the person i thought he was. i want that person back. i want all this hatred gone. i want to be happy again. i want to be able to take care of my son to the best i can.

 

i don't know what to do. i need words of advice. encouragement. prayers. anything.

 

i know i'm supposed to let go but there's still a tiny part of me that's hoping he'll wake up one day and decide to come back to us. he'll wake up realizing how wrong he was and run to me and apologize and say he'll make up for everything. it's a bad relationship. i've lost my dignity, my pride, my self respect. i don't even know who i am anymore. and i have a son. i don't know how i'm gonna face him like this. i'm ashamed of myself.

 

i'm so weak.

 

i'm just so lost.

please help me.