Still devastated

[Lady_Chiara]

Hi everyone,

 

I have posted before on this forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t288419/. Even though I know in that thread, I said I was not going to contact him again, I did a few days later at the end of July. I was feeling eaten up with guilt over a lie I had told him, that I was with someone else. I did not want to end our 5 year relationship with a lie and so I texted him and told him that I had made it up to hurt him, however I genuinely was sorry and had matured since then. He replied to tell me that it was ok and he understood I was acting out of hurt. I then told him that I knew there was no chance for us but I still loved him. I then told told him that it was ok if he didn't love me anymore as I would come to terms with it. He replied saying that he didn't know how he felt, that he still cared but couldn't face examining his feelings so didn't know. That was three and a half weeks ago and apart from a text from him on my birthday, there has been no contact since.

 

At first, everything was ok. On my birthday, I was fine. I didn't expect to hear from him, so was surprised when I did. But in the last few weeks, I have gone very downhill. I find work a struggle as I am surrounded by couples who seem determined to act very coupley around me. On Saturday I could barely get out of bed. I keep getting told by people that I should have gotten over it by now but I just can't.

 

I find it hard to deal with the fact that we were so in love up until the day the relationship ended, planning for the future and the summer ahead. We had just come back from a trip to visit his family in Greece and I had spent the majority of the trip either sitting at the bedside of his dying grandmother or caring for his sick mother, who even admits that I did a huge amount for her. My ex seemed devoted to me on this holiday, in the mornings he would get into my bed and snuggle with me and in the evenings I would come in to say goodnight to him and often cuddle him then. One day, he went to visit a friend and ran all the way home to get back to me. It's hard to believe that two weeks later he dumped me. When his gran died, I held him in my arms and felt his pain. That was a week before he ended the relationship.

 

He even told me in June that he just needed space as he was suffering from depression and that we would get back together in July. That never happened. He told me at the beginning of July that he still loved me in a romantic sense but he was just depressed. It was then two weeks later that he told me that his feelings have been switched off.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about him, obsessing about him. I loved him so much and being away from him is killing me. But I know that I can't be near him. He doesn't seem to be missing me, I read something he posted on a facebook group in which he said he was going to be busy for most of Sept and then put a smile at the end. I knew it's probably just a martial arts tournament but it still kills me that he doesn't seem to care. We were so close, he was my best friend and we would have long deep conversations about everything. And now he's gone.

 

I just want to feel better and normal. I am really trying. I am seeing a counsellor which is helping a bit and I have started taking St John's Wort. But it still hurts so much.

[wilsonx]

So, I have learned a lot about myself and this whole relationship phenomenon over the past few months. I saw heart and homebrew were extremely helpful in your other post(sarcasm).

 

Your number 1 problem is you haven't gone NC. You have to let go or you are going to continue to feel like this for the next several years. NC also means, not knowing whats going on in his life. You have to remove him from facebook and block him and all his friends. That way you do not get the urge to look him up.

 

His depression was him distancing himself from you emotionally. Thats what it was. Its like an on/off switch these people can flick whenever they want. Now he's stringing you along. He's not going to come back. He's gaslighting you (emotionally manipulating to get what he wants and thats you as a safety net if his current relationship doesn't work out).

 

On your last post, when I read that, I immediately spotted the guy is emotionally immature (read the "I am no longer attracted to you" thread in my signature to learn more).

 

Now let me tell you, he's not coming back. Don't expect it. You need to start moving on with your own life. Doing things for you, picking up a new hobby, playing a new sport, hanging out with all your old friends, making new friends and just going out and having fun and enjoying time with you.

 

This is not an over night accomplishment. Like all your big accomplishments in life, it takes time to achieve

 

Keep your chin up and stop looking back.

[ConfusedT]

Agree with Wilson. NC will definitely help you! I have battled it over and over again, but I have to stick by it or I know where I will be in a year, right here still.

 

I feel the same way about work sometimes, like i can barely function, like i would rather be home in my bed, cocooned into my own world in my covers, but what type of life is that? like you, i thought we were in love up until that day, but the other party, dumper, disconnects a while before the breakup, so even though you were, you really werent =(

 

i know you love him, but you have to love yourself more. being away from him, focusing on you and staying NC is the only way to heal in my opinion unless you have to do LC, which it doesnt appear that way for you!!

 

I still think about him ALL THE TIME, every single day, but i am finally smiling for other reasons and trying not to cry, but its a struggle. life will go on without him though, just push on. im walkin right along ur side!