John Michael Kane Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Actually, you have. On more occasions than j can count. No I have not.
analystfromhell Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 I'm going through the same sort of thing with my wife. After talking with my IC, friends and here I upted the ante- sending a transcript of all her comms that I had to the OW, indicating further contact would result in my filing and saying if she wanted to move out then feel free but I would not be party to their meeting under any circumstances. You can't obviously know what the wayward spouse is doing, their motivations or their intent unless they are comfortable revealing them to you. You can however make sure everything you find out is broadcast far and wide- effectively raising the consequences for the wayward spouse. Sending all the comms to the guy's wife for instance got him PLENTY mad and uncomfortable- good for keeping them apart unless they are will to go all out and commit publically. I let my wife know I would not be doing the instigating of reconciliation- that was now up to her. I'd do my part but if SHE wanted to get together again, she'd have to let me know what SHE would be doing to assist that and IF I agreed then we could work on it. I did lay down some minimums- joint MC, full disclosure etc and she could move out until she felt comfortable with those minimums. It's not normal or comfortable for me to raise the ante like this but it has seemed effective thus far. The stress on me is a LOT- it's really uncomfortable to put a valued relationship under ultimatums and restrictions but so far anyway its been producing positive results. Just something to consider.
Owl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 (edited) No I have not. No? These were just within the last six weeks. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3576600#post3576600 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3574535#post3574535 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3573894#post3573894 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3551378#post3551378 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3489622#post3489622 Edited August 23, 2011 by Owl
Author mv6458 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Posted August 23, 2011 I'm going through the same sort of thing with my wife. After talking with my IC, friends and here I upted the ante- sending a transcript of all her comms that I had to the OW, indicating further contact would result in my filing and saying if she wanted to move out then feel free but I would not be party to their meeting under any circumstances. You can't obviously know what the wayward spouse is doing, their motivations or their intent unless they are comfortable revealing them to you. You can however make sure everything you find out is broadcast far and wide- effectively raising the consequences for the wayward spouse. Sending all the comms to the guy's wife for instance got him PLENTY mad and uncomfortable- good for keeping them apart unless they are will to go all out and commit publically. I let my wife know I would not be doing the instigating of reconciliation- that was now up to her. I'd do my part but if SHE wanted to get together again, she'd have to let me know what SHE would be doing to assist that and IF I agreed then we could work on it. I did lay down some minimums- joint MC, full disclosure etc and she could move out until she felt comfortable with those minimums. It's not normal or comfortable for me to raise the ante like this but it has seemed effective thus far. The stress on me is a LOT- it's really uncomfortable to put a valued relationship under ultimatums and restrictions but so far anyway its been producing positive results. Just something to consider. Wow, just did this today! I finally told him if he can't be comfortable talking then we will be going our seperate ways until he fgiures it out. I am tired of biting my tongue to avoid an argument and not getting the understanding from him that I feel he should be giving. The changes he has made are just like helping with our kids occasionally, cooking occasionally, etc. Nothing emotional and his attitude sucks. He acts as though I should just get over it and move on. If I said I wanted to work it out then I need to stop thinking about it. He obviously doesn't understand it's not that easy! Especially when he has never opened up to me about any details and denies everything I ask and gets angry at me for bringing it up. Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs, or maybe it will bring the answer I need to know if I should stay in the marriage! Thanks.
Owl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Way to go MVS! Great steps!!! What was his response to you spelling this out like this?
nyrias Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 No? These were just within the last six weeks. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3576600#post3576600 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3574535#post3574535 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3573894#post3573894 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3551378#post3551378 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3489622#post3489622 JMK .. owned ...
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 My husband said the same crapola. It isn't even that uncommon actually and it is quite the kick in the teeth when we are actually willing to work on the marriage. Do the move. The separation would hurt anything more.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 JMK .. owned ... Yeah, it is pretty irritating when he does that. Where to go after that? "no, it's an opinion or theory." "no it's not." Sigh...
John Michael Kane Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 JMK .. owned ... You're forgetting you can't "own" anyone.
nyrias Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Yeah, it is pretty irritating when he does that. Where to go after that? "no, it's an opinion or theory." "no it's not." Sigh... Nah .. just use him as entertainment and an object for ridicule.
John Michael Kane Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Nah .. just use him as entertainment and an object for ridicule. This isn't a place for entertainment.
Owl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 You're forgetting you can't "own" anyone. Technically and historically, you most assuradly can/could. It's just illegal over most of the world now, luckily.
John Michael Kane Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 Technically and historically, you most assuradly can/could. It's just illegal over most of the world now, luckily. You can't own anyone.
reboot Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 This isn't a place for entertainment. It is for me. I don't have a dog in this fight anymore.
Owl Posted August 23, 2011 Posted August 23, 2011 You can't own anyone. Clearly there's an echo here.
John Michael Kane Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 I don't have a dog in this fight anymore. There was never a fight to begin with.
John Michael Kane Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Clearly there's an echo here. Who's echoing?
reboot Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 There was never a fight to begin with. Apparently you don't understand southern colloquialisms.
John Michael Kane Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Apparently you don't understand southern colloquialisms. It's not that I don't understand, it's just that it was irrelevantly corny, and has nothing to do with the topic OP started.
keepsmilin74 Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Wow, just did this today! I finally told him if he can't be comfortable talking then we will be going our seperate ways until he fgiures it out. goodluck, mv! if you have time to kill, check out this long thread of similar (EA and hostile spouse) ... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=233265 spoiler good news is they are reconciling
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Nothing emotional and his attitude sucks. He acts as though I should just get over it and move on. If I said I wanted to work it out then I need to stop thinking about it. He obviously doesn't understand it's not that easy! Especially when he has never opened up to me about any details and denies everything I ask and gets angry at me for bringing it up. Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs, or maybe it will bring the answer I need to know if I should stay in the marriage! Thanks. Since he is denying and not opening up, minimizing things and putting this on you (to get over it and not think or discuss it anymore) this means he isn't owning what he's done, he doesn't want to change or fix himself, let alone work with you to make things better. He doesn't want to suffer any consquences of his selfish choices and actions. That is crap! Kick him out and focus on you and your kids until he wakes the F up and is ready to talk, come clean and work things out properly. Let him live life without you, not be as involved in the kids lives, family outings etc..
Author mv6458 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Posted August 24, 2011 Since he is denying and not opening up, minimizing things and putting this on you (to get over it and not think or discuss it anymore) this means he isn't owning what he's done, he doesn't want to change or fix himself, let alone work with you to make things better. He doesn't want to suffer any consquences of his selfish choices and actions. That is crap! Kick him out and focus on you and your kids until he wakes the F up and is ready to talk, come clean and work things out properly. Let him live life without you, not be as involved in the kids lives, family outings etc.. The biggest mistake I have made during this whole ordeal is going back to him in the first place. I think he took that as I was over the whole thing and we would just move on. That's totally not the case! And you are exactly right about him minimizing & putting things on me. Enough is enough! I told him yesterday I wanted him to get out. Now of course he is trying to look like he gives a damn so I'll let him stay. Not working!!!! I am contacting my attorney today to get a seperation agreement. And I am fully prepared to divorce him and move on if he doesn't wake up in the near future! I deserve peace and happiness and I will not let him keep me down. Thanks for the insight!
Owl Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 MVS...seriously great progess. The biggest difficulty I've seen with people that come here is that so often they just can't make a decision and implement their choice. You've picked a goal...and are moving towards it. That's far better than most.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 24, 2011 Posted August 24, 2011 Better than me for over two years LOL. The ones that succeed set firm boundaries, have a positive attitude and stick to their guns. Over and over I have seen it :-)
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