Does it ever hurt less?

[1Dunno]

There are probably a few similar threads floating around.

 

So ideally when we break up we reflect and hopefully come out a bit wiser once we have moved on. Sometimes we have setbacks in this process but logic dictates that we WILL eventually move on.

 

Assuming that we then apply what we've learnt to our next relationship, then one would assume that we should be able able to go onto bigger and better relationships.

 

I have two questions:

1. Is this truly the case, or do people tend to repeat their mistakes if they're not careful? I'm in no way ready for a relationship at this stage as my thoughts are still consumed by only one girl. But when I am ready I would like to think that I would approach this one a lot more cautiously and recognise the red flags earlier on.

2. Do breakups ever become less painful? I know this isn't a straightforward answer as it depends on so many factors; the connection you thought you had with them, memories together, etc. I'm just not sure how many times I can endure the pain.

 

Thanks LS!

[Nohbody]

If you learn from your mistakes, then the next relationship will be different. You will still make mistakes - and so will the other person. If the next relationship ends, it may not hurt as much. It may hurt more. There is no way to tell.

 

Think about all you have to look forward to

[Dblock10]

I have two questions:

1. Is this truly the case, or do people tend to repeat their mistakes if they're not careful? I'm in no way ready for a relationship at this stage as my thoughts are still consumed by only one girl. But when I am ready I would like to think that I would approach this one a lot more cautiously and recognise the red flags earlier on.

 

 

2. Do breakups ever become less painful? I know this isn't a straightforward answer as it depends on so many factors; the connection you thought you had with them, memories together, etc. I'm just not sure how many times I can endure the pain.

 

Thanks LS!

 

 

1 yeah people repeat mistakes. it depends how long its been before you've entered a new relationship and how much you like them. even if you recognise the red flags you are normally too over whelmed with the person that you ignore them.

 

2 no they dont. again it depends on the situation and how much you allowed youself to fall for them.

 

i cant endure this pain again, hence why i am now not going to let myself get emotionally attached untill i am in my 30's and know i can keep them and settle down.

 

until then, its all fun and games.

[reimeivn]

1. I think you do get better. Me I learned. The first time the guy didnt want to talk to me online, I kept talking to him forever. The second time I quit right when he showed signs of not wanting to do it. In a month and I am done with that.

Second thing is the NC. First time, we didnt seriously date, mind you, but I kept talking and talking and everything, I even contacted him, and the process was dragged out into a year. Second time, I cut all contact in the first 3 days after the breakup. He said he want me to not call him, I did not anymore. Not even a second I wanted to call him. So its been clean and neat.

2. It does hurt less. I remembered the first time the guy left me I didnt know what to do, I felt like nobody is there to care about me or hang out with me anymore. The second time, even right after the breakup I did homework, and I knew that life goes on, and I didnt have friends to hang out with but it was not because nobody care about me, its just me being with him too much I couldnt have friends. Its just a world out there each time you break up you know, and you become more and more independent. When the time comes you will settle down with somebody because you WANT to be with them, not because you NEED to.

 

And for me things have been so much better since the thought came to my mind. I treated my partner more and more as if he was a gift, not because he was my something that I supposed to have. I let him free more, as even if he leaves me I would still be fine. I know that being together is just a test, each day is a test, and the more he is free to be himself, the better the outcome will be, no matter if we stay together or not.

 

The hurt, the things they did, will hurt you still though as you think about it no matter how long it has been. But it will hurt less.

[Graceful]

Well, you sound like a sweet person, and I don't want to turn you into a cynic, but really, if it were all that simple, would we all be here mopping up the floor with our pain, misery, and heartache? If there was a real, tried and true formula, and a guarantee, wouldn't we all go that route if we could to avoid these painful feelings and the length of time it takes to get past them?

 

Assuming that we then apply what we've learnt to our next relationship, then one would assume that we should be able able to go onto bigger and better relationships.

 

I have two questions:

1. Is this truly the case, or do people tend to repeat their mistakes if they're not careful? I'm in no way ready for a relationship at this stage as my thoughts are still consumed by only one girl. But when I am ready I would like to think that I would approach this one a lot more cautiously and recognise the red flags earlier on.

2. Do breakups ever become less painful? I know this isn't a straightforward answer as it depends on so many factors; the connection you thought you had with them, memories together, etc. I'm just not sure how many times I can endure the pain.

 

Many people make the same mistakes. They have to bottom out and go through hell and back before they figure out what they're doing wrong. Yes, if they're not careful, just press the replay button and voila, one more trip to Crazytown comin' right up.

 

If you learn and you slow down and you recognize what got you here in the first place, then sure, you can take another route and put yourself in a much healthier relationship. But you're still not going to get any guarantee, you have to just go on faith.

 

Do breakups become less painful the second or third time? It depends, like everything else. Believe it or not, I've had much less painful breakups than the most recent one when I was betrayed. Other breakups were respectful, and not as sudden, and TBH, I've had a couple that were not hard at all to get over b/c I had absolute clarity that it was the right thing to do.

 

I'd say clarity is the most important feature to avoid pain in a breakup. If you are crystal clear that the r/l wasn't right for you, you're letting the person go as respectfully as possible, and the two people wish the best for one another (and yes, this does actually happen, all breakups are not train wrecks) -- then it would not be as painful as what you are going through now.

 

Most of us dread the mere thought we'd ever feel this badly again -- but don't hold your breath hoping that thought, that's all I can say on that. Take care, and try not to get ahead of yourself. There's plenty of time to worry about your next relationship, get over this one first, okay?

[reimeivn]

Yeah we still do make "mistakes" but its more like who we are really and when you meet the right one it will not be a mistake anymore. You would learn how to make less mistakes though. Promise you.

 

You still might get real hurt next time, but the circumstances will be different. But it will get overall better.

[Graceful]

Yeah we still do make "mistakes" but its more like who we are really and when you meet the right one it will not be a mistake anymore. You would learn how to make less mistakes though. Promise you.

 

You still might get real hurt next time, but the circumstances will be different. But it will get overall better.

 

True. I think part of what you're saying is that we live and learn. If we try to learn from our past mistakes, we really can empower ourselves to avoid pain in the future. And if someone says, don't call, and in the past you called and called and made a pest out of yourself, then yes, next time around, DON'T CALL and you'll have some self-respect to build on that will help you heal a lot faster and make you stronger sooner. Very good points, REI.

[sleepykitten]

i cant endure this pain again, hence why i am now not going to let myself get emotionally attached untill i am in my 30's and know i can keep them and settle down.

 

Being in your thirties is no guareentee you wont go through pain and heartache-in fact it can be worse! It all depends, i will definatly learn from this last break up as i cant take going through all this again either, but its stuff i need to learn about me and what makes me stay in a relationship that isnt healthy, then have a melt down when said bad boyfriend ends it!

[Dblock10]

course its no guarantee, but the chances of it materialising into something for life are more so than meeting a young 21 yo girl whom has just finished university and wants to explore the world..

 

exactly i am like you. when i finally get into a relationship i cling on until i am the one that gets left. i need to correct things about my actions and attitudes once in a relationship

[olivec]

i cant endure this pain again, hence why i am now not going to let myself get emotionally attached untill i am in my 30's and know i can keep them and settle down.

 

Being in your thirties is no guareentee you wont go through pain and heartache-in fact it can be worse! It all depends, i will definatly learn from this last break up as i cant take going through all this again either, but its stuff i need to learn about me and what makes me stay in a relationship that isnt healthy, then have a melt down when said bad boyfriend ends it!

 

 

I'm 32 and trust me this last relationship was probably one of the most painful I've gone through due to the fact it started out soo well and then just blew up in my face. I guess the thing with me is I figured the person I was dating wanted the samething i wanted but unfortuneately got fooled. i was soo mad at myself for letting myself get soo emotionally involved. But the biggest thing was I was just really dissapointed in this girl I thought was soo perfect for me and really thought she was gunna be around for awhile. So yes I agree being in your 30's doesnt guarantee anything with relationships as it can go bad at any age. The main key is you learn regardless if your in your 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's, etc.