How is she so happy to not be with me

[D-Lish]

I know I need to take her off this pedestal. I just miss her so much right now and have trouble convincing myself that it's not all my fault. But In hindsight I realize there were some things I did which hurt her feelings. I pushed her away bc I thought I could do better. But now I'm starting to think I can't.

 

I am sure the fact that she was so demanding caused you to push her away sometimes. It's because she rejected you that you're feeling this way. Rejection has a very powerful impact on our ego.

[JohnEl]

I am sure the fact that she was so demanding caused you to push her away sometimes. It's because she rejected you that you're feeling this way. Rejection has a very powerful impact on our ego.

 

yea her rejecting me and that fact that she is with someone else already is whats killing me the most. i still cant get over her being with someone else. all the thoughts i have of them doing things me and her a couple of weeks before they started dating. that will never make sense to me. i would understand if i cheated on her or beat her but its not like she had to run away from a horrible guy to be saved by someon else. i didnt do anything so bad for her to run away with another guy.

[D-Lish]

yea her rejecting me and that fact that she is with someone else already is whats killing me the most. i still cant get over her being with someone else. all the thoughts i have of them doing things me and her a couple of weeks before they started dating. that will never make sense to me. i would understand if i cheated on her or beat her but its not like she had to run away from a horrible guy to be saved by someon else. i didnt do anything so bad for her to run away with another guy.

 

I think one day you will look back and realize it's not you, it's her- it's just too hard for you to see this through the pain at the moment.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

dumpers will also put up a front to show that their lives are so much better after the breakup, even if their life got worse. Some do this to rub it in the dumpee's face, and most do this as a way of justifying that breaking up was the best route to take. This front also sometimes means finding someone new.

 

 

If your ex is putting up this front, they will suffer later on and most likely the new relationship will not work out because they never went through the stages of healing properly.

[JohnEl]

dumpers will also put up a front to show that their lives are so much better after the breakup, even if their life got worse. Some do this to rub it in the dumpee's face, and most do this as a way of justifying that breaking up was the best route to take. This front also sometimes means finding someone new.

 

 

If your ex is putting up this front, they will suffer later on and most likely the new relationship will not work out because they never went through the stages of healing properly.

 

i hope your right. i hope i dont want her back once im healed. im making progress tho. the mornings are the hardest part of my day. getting out of bed and getting ready for work is hard.

[D-Lish]

i hope your right. i hope i dont want her back once im healed. im making progress tho. the mornings are the hardest part of my day. getting out of bed and getting ready for work is hard.

 

You absolutely won't want her back. Throughout this process you're going to come to see her as a different person from the one you have on the pedestal right now, and when you come out the other side, you're going to have what I like to call the "WTF moment".... As in "WTF was I thinking when I dated that person".... I've been in many relationships and sometimes I have that moment while I am still with the person and leave, or I get my heart broken and have the moment down the road... That moment has always come.

[JohnEl]

You absolutely won't want her back. Throughout this process you're going to come to see her as a different person from the one you have on the pedestal right now, and when you come out the other side, you're going to have what I like to call the "WTF moment".... As in "WTF was I thinking when I dated that person".... I've been in many relationships and sometimes I have that moment while I am still with the person and leave, or I get my heart broken and have the moment down the road... That moment has always come.

 

so i guess she will have that moment too. if she hasnt already?

[D-Lish]

so i guess she will have that moment too. if she hasnt already?

 

((sigh)) I'm trying to help you, not her. I was really only trying to illustrate that you'll get over this at some point.

[JohnEl]

((sigh)) I'm trying to help you, not her. I was really only trying to illustrate that you'll get over this at some point.

 

 

i know, im sorry. im being a real pessimist about this whole thing,

[antinko]

i know, im sorry. im being a real pessimist about this whole thing,

 

I'm curious to know what you're doing in order to try and take your mind off things and improve your life. I ask because I know that getting active and doing new things has really helped me.

 

Yeh, I still grieve even when I'm doing these activities. I was in a kayak going down a fast moving river the other day and the sadness kicked in, but still, the activity helped because I got home and knew that my positive self improvement actions had given me a new experience, a new skill.

 

My point is that, if you take steps to better your life, you might not feel the benefits at the time, but you will feel the benefits at some point in the process.

 

Your ex isn't your life mate just like mine isn't my life and the same goes for everyone here in the same situation.

 

You need to focus on your life.

[sally4sara]

I dunno man, I think I would be happy to be out of a relationship where the other person believed they could do better than me. But this was your relationship so I don't know how obvious it was that you thought this way during the relationship.

 

In the future, maybe take things a bit slower. Figure out if you feel content with them enough to not wonder if you could do better before getting exclusive with them. Figuring it out after you've told them you want to be exclusive can sting pretty bad and make them wonder why they should settle for you when they too might well be able to do better for themselves.

[JohnEl]

She did some things that really bothered me. Something's that made me question if I wanted to be with her. But I looked past that stuff and accepted it bc I wanted to be with her. Whenever I did something that upset her, it was a huge deal and she never let it go. She would bring it up 6 months later. I could never be mad at her or else she would get mad at me. She hates me now tho. She said she never should have stayed with me as long as she did. I didn't do anything that bad. It was just hard to show her I cared when she lived 3 hours away for 6 months.

[sally4sara]

She did some things that really bothered me. Something's that made me question if I wanted to be with her. But I looked past that stuff and accepted it bc I wanted to be with her. Whenever I did something that upset her, it was a huge deal and she never let it go. She would bring it up 6 months later. I could never be mad at her or else she would get mad at me. She hates me now tho. She said she never should have stayed with me as long as she did. I didn't do anything that bad. It was just hard to show her I cared when she lived 3 hours away for 6 months.

 

Sometimes its just about compatibility. I've broken up with a couple guys that didn't really do anything other than be not the right guy for me. Not sure why she has to be hateful about it though - that's unnecessary and should make her less shiny in your eyes.

[JohnEl]

Yea I don't understand it either. She's acting like I was cheating on her or beat her. We had so much going for us and she threw it all away two weeks before she moved home. I keep trying to find answers but I never can so I just blame myself. I hope I can't stop thinking about all of this sometime soon. Im mentally drained and it's affecting every part of my life.

[antinko]

Yea I don't understand it either. She's acting like I was cheating on her or beat her. We had so much going for us and she threw it all away two weeks before she moved home. I keep trying to find answers but I never can so I just blame myself. I hope I can't stop thinking about all of this sometime soon. Im mentally drained and it's affecting every part of my life.

 

It's just an exercise she's going through to justify things to herself. Just like when we're dumped, we often go through a stage of hating or demonizing the dumper, some dumpers will want to justify in their minds reasons why they don't want to be with the dumpee...even though they don't really know.

 

I know my ex did this with me and it's a reason why I can now forgive her and believe that I forgive her. She might still think bad things about me but it's all just total bollocks.

 

The point really is, what do you think about yourself? I'm sure you were a good boyfriend and did nothing wrong. You say you didn't cheat on or beat her at least!

[JohnEl]

I was a good boyfriend. We had arguments but that's part of it. She thinks it's all suppose to be happy every second. Whenever we had a fight, she was ready to bail. Eventually she did. I know I did a couple of things I shouldn't have and was being stubborn but it wasn't anything to make her run away. We could have easily worked thru it all but she decided not to.

[antinko]

I was a good boyfriend. We had arguments but that's part of it. She thinks it's all suppose to be happy every second. Whenever we had a fight, she was ready to bail. Eventually she did. I know I did a couple of things I shouldn't have and was being stubborn but it wasn't anything to make her run away. We could have easily worked thru it all but she decided not to.

 

Yep and my ex repeatedly said "It needs to be perfect."

 

Look, I'll paste the message she sent me on FB when she went on the 'break' which would turn into the break up later on in my journal and I guarantee that you'll see some glaring problems in the 'hope' she gave me.

 

Basically, she said she had to take time to 'reflect on our relationship to see if it's perfect and, if it is, she'll come back'. Like an idiot, I sat there thinking "Yes, she'll think it's fine", but hold on...NO healthy relationship is ever perfect.

 

My ex kept on going on about how she 'had to be happy' and that she wasn't, and I beat myself up thinking it was my fault! I felt that it was my fault she wasn't happy... Apparently I was responsible for her happiness? Me, the boyfriend who bent over backwards for her!

 

No. No, no and no. I learned the hard way that no loving partner can expect their SO to be responsible for their happiness and well being - the SO can only add to it.

 

The reality with your ex is that she's not happy with herself but she expects someone else to do the work for her, just like my ex. She's probably blaming you because you couldn't fulfill her wildly high expectation, an expectation which was impossible for you or anybody to meet!

 

I'm sorry if I keep drawing comparisons between your situation and mine, but it is so painfully close to what I went through, and I've been through the grief phases so much now, that I will avoid this type of person in future.

[wilsonx]

She did some things that really bothered me. Something's that made me question if I wanted to be with her. But I looked past that stuff and accepted it bc I wanted to be with her. Whenever I did something that upset her, it was a huge deal and she never let it go. She would bring it up 6 months later. I could never be mad at her or else she would get mad at me. She hates me now tho. She said she never should have stayed with me as long as she did. I didn't do anything that bad. It was just hard to show her I cared when she lived 3 hours away for 6 months.

 

These are called redflags. If you ever get these in any relationship or friendship again in your lifetime, you need to take a step back and think about you and only you. In your relationship, instead of taking a step back and processing the redflags, you just accepted them. I did the same thing, and look where I am. It happens but you learn from them. In the future, if you get these, you take a step back and process them. You have 3 choices once you get one of these.

 

1) Accept it, and just let it go. That means you can not bring it up again, ever. Even to yourself

2) Try to change it. You put effort into communicating the red flag to yourself and your partner. Whatever the outcome of this, you either have to do #1 or #3 afterwards.

3) Leave. Its that simple. This is about your own well being in the end. Does it sound selfish, absolutely but remember, in any relationship, you always come first, your significant other is a close second.

 

Whether she loves you or hates you now is pretty irrelevant. It's the same coin. You will eventually just have to let it go but that takes time

 

I was a good boyfriend. We had arguments but that's part of it. She thinks it's all suppose to be happy every second. Whenever we had a fight, she was ready to bail. Eventually she did. I know I did a couple of things I shouldn't have and was being stubborn but it wasn't anything to make her run away. We could have easily worked thru it all but she decided not to.

 

If you were a good boyfriend, then thats all that matters. Take that to the grave with you. When my ex broke up with me, she told me "I was a good boyfriend not a great boyfriend" I laughed in the middle of her breakup bulldozing when she said that to me.

 

The people that think they are suppose to be happy every second will never accomplish this in their life. They are emotionally immature. She's a runner like my ex. If you haven't already read the thread in my signature, "I am no longer attracted to you" thread.

[LovelyDaze]

 

If you were a good boyfriend, then thats all that matters. Take that to the grave with you. When my ex broke up with me, she told me "I was a good boyfriend not a great boyfriend" I laughed in the middle of her breakup bulldozing when she said that to me.

 

The people that think they are suppose to be happy every second will never accomplish this in their life. They are emotionally immature. She's a runner like my ex. If you haven't already read the thread in my signature, "I am no longer attracted to you" thread.

 

Hey JohnEl! Hope you're doing a bit better.

 

Hope you read that post from wilsonx clearly. I am like you, I was a good girlfriend. I didn't nag, control, whine, keep him from hanging out with his friends without me, compromised what we did and where we went, just all kinds of things. We "seemed" to be happy with so many good times that I can't count them all. Sure we argued, but we settled it and stayed together. But he left...anyway.

 

There's nothing we dumpees can do then and now. The dumpers are looking for something that they can't find in anyone. They will drift from person to person wondering why the hell they can't find lasting love. My ex dumped and married the girl he left me for and they are now divorced already. See what I mean?

 

It reaffirmed that my ex has major issues to deal with that a new GF won't fix. It is a temporary distraction until THAT relationship because mundane and the fun and newness is over. But wilsonx and others are right. NO relationship stays fresh forever. You can't help but get used to someone if you are with them often. We need to look for the type of person who doesn't mind when the newness wears off because they love us and want to continue the journey together.

[Steven T]

I was a good boyfriend. We had arguments but that's part of it. She thinks it's all suppose to be happy every second. Whenever we had a fight, she was ready to bail. Eventually she did. I know I did a couple of things I shouldn't have and was being stubborn but it wasn't anything to make her run away. We could have easily worked thru it all but she decided not to.

 

Sounds alot what happened to me! My ex thought we should never argue! Well good luck to her finding a 'perfect' relationship as that is just not possible. Every couple has there ups and downs.

 

One day she will look back and realise what an amazing person I was for her.

[JohnEl]

Hey JohnEl! Hope you're doing a bit better.

 

Hope you read that post from wilsonx clearly. I am like you, I was a good girlfriend. I didn't nag, control, whine, keep him from hanging out with his friends without me, compromised what we did and where we went, just all kinds of things. We "seemed" to be happy with so many good times that I can't count them all. Sure we argued, but we settled it and stayed together. But he left...anyway.

 

There's nothing we dumpees can do then and now. The dumpers are looking for something that they can't find in anyone. They will drift from person to person wondering why the hell they can't find lasting love. My ex dumped and married the girl he left me for and they are now divorced already. See what I mean?

 

It reaffirmed that my ex has major issues to deal with that a new GF won't fix. It is a temporary distraction until THAT relationship because mundane and the fun and newness is over. But wilsonx and others are right. NO relationship stays fresh forever. You can't help but get used to someone if you are with them often. We need to look for the type of person who doesn't mind when the newness wears off because they love us and want to continue the journey together.

 

thanks. i am doing a bit better. im still having trouble with the thought that shes so happy without me. its hard to imagine someone else making her happy. i feel replaced. i think about her alot. what shes doing, stuff like that. i always wonder if shes thinking about me or not. and if she is, she probably thinking about how shes glad to be away from me. shes acting like our relationship was so bad or something. it realy wasnt.

 

it makes me mad that she held grudges against me for so long. whenever we would fight, she kept bringing up something that happened two years ago. she could never let anything go, so everything just kept building up until she exploded and broke up with me. thats not right. its not fair to do that kind of stuff.

[D-Lish]

thanks. i am doing a bit better. im still having trouble with the thought that shes so happy without me. its hard to imagine someone else making her happy. i feel replaced. i think about her alot. what shes doing, stuff like that. i always wonder if shes thinking about me or not. and if she is, she probably thinking about how shes glad to be away from me. shes acting like our relationship was so bad or something. it realy wasnt.

 

it makes me mad that she held grudges against me for so long. whenever we would fight, she kept bringing up something that happened two years ago. she could never let anything go, so everything just kept building up until she exploded and broke up with me. thats not right. its not fair to do that kind of stuff.

 

It should make you mad that she held grudges for so long and kept recycling past issues over and over... That's not a sign of a healthy person. I might tend to do that for a few weeks- but I eventually process it and let it go. How do you please someone that isn't capable of ever letting anything go? The bottom line is that you don't.

 

You also said that you never had YOUR opportunity to confront her about anything because she would get angry and turn it on you. That clearly says that she was never truly willing to "listen" to your needs and make any changes to make the relationship better.

[JohnEl]

It should make you mad that she held grudges for so long and kept recycling past issues over and over... That's not a sign of a healthy person. I might tend to do that for a few weeks- but I eventually process it and let it go. How do you please someone that isn't capable of ever letting anything go? The bottom line is that you don't.

 

You also said that you never had YOUR opportunity to confront her about anything because she would get angry and turn it on you. That clearly says that she was never truly willing to "listen" to your needs and make any changes to make the relationship better.

 

yea, arguments are part of relationships. everytime we argued she kept bringing up more and more things from the past. so every time we argued it seemed like it got worse and worse.

 

after we broke up, we talked a few times about what happened. she would bring up these things from the past that still bothered her and said that played into her decision to break up. i brought up some things from the past about her that bothered me but told her how i didnt let it ruin us and how i moved past it all bc i wanted to be with her. she got so mad at me for bringing those things up and acted like i was a bad person for bringing those things up. how condecending is that?

[delux]

Hi, JohnEl, I'm in a similar positions as you, but my ex dumped me in the beginning of May.

 

She hooked up with a former friend of mine two weeks later and is still with him (they were separated for about a month due to her work abroad, so I guess that prolongs the rebound).

 

Now, after 3 months (I don't want to count how much time exactly) I feel lot better, I'm doing NC and I try to think about my tasks and plans for the future and present.

 

I met a guy in the train yesterday - he was dumped two weeks ago and I noticed the differance between us. I felt that we have something in common, but I knew that I'm in different stage of the grieving. His break up was even more radical than mine (there was police involved he said) and he kept talking about her even if I tried to change the subject. He said he did 10 days of night shifts, didn't sleep at all, didn't eat and now he was going to a friend of his in a place of the country he has never been (trying to forget about her i guess).

 

I still feel like I lost (something or someone) but as time goes by you will start winning (something, someone). Per example - you will have some form of success either in work, studying, friendships, even dates. This will give you more self-esteem and you'll start to feel better with yourself.

 

What is imprortant is to try to find the things that make you like yourself, make you feel good in your skin. You will realize that you can share those things with other people, not just your ex. After time you'll find it possible even to share your bad sides with someone else. Maybe this will be the beginning of your new relationship

 

 

In every post I read I look for a paragraph which says - she will contact you again, she will come back and try to keep this words in my mind. But we should try to put in our brains the possibility that she won't call back, she won't be back and try to build good vibe around this, try to respond to it - Ok, I don't care.

 

I wish you all the best!

[D-Lish]

yea, arguments are part of relationships. everytime we argued she kept bringing up more and more things from the past. so every time we argued it seemed like it got worse and worse.

 

after we broke up, we talked a few times about what happened. she would bring up these things from the past that still bothered her and said that played into her decision to break up. i brought up some things from the past about her that bothered me but told her how i didnt let it ruin us and how i moved past it all bc i wanted to be with her. she got so mad at me for bringing those things up and acted like i was a bad person for bringing those things up. how condecending is that?

 

Yep, and what does that tell you? She's never wrong and the problem is never her, it's everyone else. The way she justifies things is pretty warped and one sided. People like this never see the other side of the coin, because they don't believe there is one.

 

People like this are always going to make you feel like you're the problem, and it doesn't take long before you just start to believe it. That's another reason why you have her on this pedestal- because she's manipulated you into thinking she belongs there.

 

Think back to the times where she drove you crazy being overly needy or demanding, excessive in her requests of staying in touch on an hourly basis while you were simply spending time with your friends.... The fact that she made you feel guilty for even having the nerve to want to spend time with your friends or enjoy some alone time. I wonder how long it would have taken before you tired of that behaviour. As indicated in your posts, it was already taking a toll on you on some level.

 

Does thinking of any of that allow you to absolve yourself from taking all the blame in the demise of this relationship?

 

Start talking more about the things that pissed you off- focus on that more if you can tonight.