mavlast Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 Today I got to see a girl that I'd met online, after a lot of delays. On the phone we really "liked" each other and had started talking dirty, etc. I got some really strong signals that she liked me and wanted to be with me. However, when we saw each other she seemed excited to see me but detached. I brought a blanket and condoms (neither of which she saw) just in case, and some gum since we ate garlicky food. I was surprised, but not disappointed, when she told me outright that she "doesn't kiss on the first date." This despite the fact that I was obviously ready to do so (so it wasn't just a move not to look desperate). Now I feel a little silly. I mean, I wasn't expecting to get it on or anything (the condoms were just to be safe), and I'm not upset that we didn't kiss, but I feel like I'm getting two completely different signals here. Also, I'm starting to have reservations about whether we're going to go anywhere. I'm leaving in a week, and although we plan to see each other at least once between now and then, I worry that she'll ultimately reject me when I propose being in a long-distance relationship, and that I'll have emotionally invested in her for nothing. Was the no-kissing rule just a matter of principle, or is she really having second thoughts about me? How should I proceed from here? Finally, how can I gauge things with the long-distance relationship so that I don't get hurt?
Author mavlast Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 One thing that I remember: she said that she'd never been on a date before. So maybe she's just not sure about decorum. I find it a little strange, though, that she would say "I don't" kiss on the first date. Why such strong convictions, and the implication of a habit, if this is her first foray into dating?
thatone Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 take it as a challenge to turn all of those knee jerk "no"s into "yes"s. work on your game a bit. but don't expect much. that's what i'd do. i suspect many strange issues with this one.
Author mavlast Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 take it as a challenge to turn all of those knee jerk "no"s into "yes"s. work on your game a bit. but don't expect much. that's what i'd do. i suspect many strange issues with this one. * So you think that she might just be apprehensive or unsure of what to do? * How do you mean "work on your game"? * Like a history? Moral reservations? How should I handle the other dates this week, as well as asking her to be official? Also, she's said that she wants me to tell her if anything bothers me. Should I just say something like "For some strange reason, it felt like we'd barely spoken"? That might sound a bit whiny, or kill things if she really enjoyed herself.
phineas Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 If a chick talks dirty to me over the phone then pulls crap like "I never kiss on the first date" I call that being a dic tease. If a guy talked up a romantic dinner at an exclusive restaurant then took her to Taco Bell she'd be pissed. You talk about me sticking it in your ass over the phone, come to my house then refuse to even make out you are done unless you tell me you are DTF. That actually happened to me. Chick said she just wanted to be friends. LOL!
zengirl Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 I guess it depends on what "talking dirty" is. I'm not sure you can expect sex just because a girl talked dirty (again, depends what she said) BUT dirty talk, then "kissing is too much!" = weird to me. I'd put my personal progression towards intimacy as follows: *Light touching/flirting/obvious signals (maybe a hug goodbye somewhere in there) *Kissing *Handholding, canoodling, cuddling (the kind you can do in public) *Making out *Serious cuddling and potentially even sleeping next to someone/*Talking or texting mildly dirty (more flirty than graphically intense) (These have gone in either order, hence the /) *Sex and all the things one could consider various forms of sex, and by that point, basically anything I'd consider doing with a partner goes, as I consider myself to be truly intimate, committed, and with them. But that's just my personal journey. I definitely have texted mildly dirty (not like graphically describing sexual acts, but definitely hardcore flirty) before sleeping with a guy. I don't find that odd or wrong.
Author mavlast Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 I agree, I think it's a jerky/weird thing to do. It's not like we have to f-ck on date one, but if we're already getting dirty over the phone, and especially if we're implying that we're actually going to sleep with each other at some point ... then going all 19th century on me all of a sudden sans explanation is just not right. But her behaviour can be a little hard to explain at times, and she's specifically asked me to tell her if there's anythig wrong. She seems to care a lot about me, so maybe I should ask her about it tonight when we talk on the phone. I don't want it to look like "HEY BITCH WHY DIDN'T WE F-CK" but at the same time last night left me cold and uncertain. Thoughts?
khrystyna Posted August 13, 2011 Posted August 13, 2011 The chemistry looks like was strong on the phone , but when you guys met it's the whole different energy involved.Almost like being around a different person ,she has to warm up to you and get used to you in reality, i think . Think of it is that she simply felt uncomfortable . Also clarify with her either you are relationship material person or just having fun , maybe she was insecure . Worst case scenario is that she is disappointed in her feelings for you . Its easy to build up something mysterious and romantic online/phone but when a girl meets a guy , she could be turned off by something really small and unimportant . Ask her . Be honest and ask if she cooled down for you , or she was really shy . Dont be judgmental , things happen . just ask in a very nice form
Author mavlast Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 Another thing I remember: apparently I remind her of someone she was involved with that broke her heart, and that scares her.
Author mavlast Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 (edited) I just think it's weird. I think I'm going to talk to her about it, just ask her what's going on. She told me that she appreciates it when people are upfront. Edited August 13, 2011 by mavlast
Author mavlast Posted August 13, 2011 Author Posted August 13, 2011 Awww, honey, she's scared. It's easy to move fast when you're not face to face. It's all talk. But a relationship, a REAL relationship needs to develop face to face. She likely went a little further than she was comfortable with on the phone. That was her fault. She should have put the brakes on the dirty talk. She was probably feeling a lot of pressure to sleep with you after that. Clearly you were thinking it was going to happen (and I'm glad you prepared for it). But she was having second thoughts. Face to face is a whole different ball game. You guys haven't established the necessary level of trust that would make her feel comfortable about a physical relationship. I know it doesn't make sense because your phone conversations were intense. But you have to realize that it's always easier to talk a big game when there's no real pressure to actually deliver. If you are truly invested in making this relationship work, give her time. Go out face to face several times and DO NOT bring up sex or be overly touchy feely. Even better...have a straight up conversation with her. Let her know how much you like her and tell her that you are happy to wait until she's 100% comfortable before you initiate a physical relationship. This will put her at ease. And as she becomes comfortable with you face to face, your relationship will naturally deepen and her trust in your intentions will improve. Yes, you got sold a lemon. She shouldn't have allowed your phone conversation to "go there" even though she wasn't totally comfortable with it. This is a good thing, though. She likely doesn't do that kind of thing with just anyone and she liked you enough to actually try it. Now give her time to get to know you better and respect her limits and her fear. Once she trusts that your intentions are pure (and you're not just in it for the sex) she'll fall for you! Ashley www.dontgiveupondating.com www.facebook.com/datingrocks Ashley, I think you're right. I'm not upset that we didn't sleep together; it's just surprising that she took such a huge step backward. I may not have emphasized this, but she was also ... it's hard to describe. On the phone she seemed to like me quite a bit, apart from any physical connotations. Yesterday she was surprisingly cool, as if we'd just met the week before and only talked on the phone once. This makes me a little nervous because I'm leaving in a week and I think I'm interested in being with her. It will probably be too late to ask once I leave, but if she's going all the way back to the first step, then it will seem a little rushed and forced if I try to see her frequently, and ask her to be official before then. It's not that I'm desperate -- it's just that I saw something that I really liked and I know that I want it. How can I handle this delicately? Or will things just not work as they are?
FitChick Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 She knows you're not going to be around so figures there is no point in going further.
Author mavlast Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Fit, I've thought about that. She did say "I know that you're going to meet some amazing chick at school and forget all about me" which, in retrospect, may have been a question in disguise. However, I've already sent her a text saying that it's too bad that things didn't work out and that I hope she has a great year -- so I've kind of dug myself a hole. I did say that I was curious as to why she changed her mind ... so maybe that will be a discussion point. But I think I'll look a little silly going back and telling her that I'm interested in being with her.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 14, 2011 Posted August 14, 2011 Another thing I remember: apparently I remind her of someone she was involved with that broke her heart, and that scares her. Thats total bullshyt, shes full of it. Thats an excuse because she didnt like what she saw when she saw you in person. Also she might have talked a big game on the phone to try to get over her ex, thought she was ready to move on, but when she sawe you in person she realized she wasnt ready to move on, or didnt like what she saw. Throw this fish back in the water, its not going to happen with this one. She most likely will not fall in love with you if she wasnt liking you on the first meeting.
Author mavlast Posted August 14, 2011 Author Posted August 14, 2011 Aye, but this bit about the other person was before date one, during the phone period. We had an argument.
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