eah Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 So, here's my situation. I have been dating a someone who was a coworker and friend previously for a little more than 7 months now. Is it unreasonable to expect to have a "routine" by now or at least to discuss plans for the weekend ahead of time? I still don't know if/when I am going to see him on the weekend until that morning. And, this causes me a lot of anxiety. I am a planner, and it drives me nuts when I can't set goals of things to do for the weekend (my own things, not with him things). But, to do that, I need to know when I'm going to see him. We had a routine for awhile...we'd see each other on Friday if we both had off, spend the night and then spend all day Saturday together. Then, Sunday would be the day that we use as time to ourselves to take care of our responsibilities. And, sometimes this would change, say if there's a family obligation, and we'd adjust just fine. Then, there was a time of complete chaos when he was working a significant amount of time and then had surgery. But, since then, I think we've gotten back to that routine. But, I don't know for sure what's going on until we call each other in the morning. So, when I took off this Friday, I was expecting to spend the day with him. Well, when I asked him last night (Wednesday) what he was planning on doing with his Friday off, and he told me that he was planning on going up to visit his grandmother for the weekend. I was completely taken off guard with this. And, am extremely hurt that he didn't tell me he was thinking about it until I ASKED HIM! So, I guess my question here is if I'm being unreasonable? I mean, if I would've known that he was planning on not being around, maybe I would've sucked it up and came into work on Friday. And, yes, I know part of it is that I didn't communicate the fact that I was expecting to spend the day with him, but he knew from last week that I was planning on taking the day off. So, why didn't he just tell me that he was planning on going out of town?
Edition Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Honestly, I think you're looking waaaayyyy too deep into it. Micromanaging those types of things just isn't healthy. I know time time together is valuable to you, but a visit to see his grandmother??? I can't think of a more legit reason to put off a "routine" meeting. I know the fact that he didn't tell you is what upset you, but sometimes things like that just slip our mind.
thatone Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 he didn't tell you because he didn't know he needed to. you have to tell him. he can't read your mind. fwiw i'm like your boyfriend is, my gf isn't, she plans like you do. this is a pretty common difference between men and women in general. women plan their schedules in advance and men have a checklist of things to do in their minds and as long as most of them get done in some order they don't care. so how do my gf and i know when we're gonna get together? we talk about what her schedule is at the end of every night we're together so that we both know what's going on. no surprises. it's as simple as that, explain it to him and bring it up with him at the end of the day every time you do see him. but YOU have to bring it up. you can't sit around imagining that he will do it, because he's obviously not like that so he won't do it on his own.
serial muse Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 So, here's my situation. I have been dating a someone who was a coworker and friend previously for a little more than 7 months now. Is it unreasonable to expect to have a "routine" by now or at least to discuss plans for the weekend ahead of time? I still don't know if/when I am going to see him on the weekend until that morning. And, this causes me a lot of anxiety. I am a planner, and it drives me nuts when I can't set goals of things to do for the weekend (my own things, not with him things). But, to do that, I need to know when I'm going to see him. We had a routine for awhile...we'd see each other on Friday if we both had off, spend the night and then spend all day Saturday together. Then, Sunday would be the day that we use as time to ourselves to take care of our responsibilities. And, sometimes this would change, say if there's a family obligation, and we'd adjust just fine. Then, there was a time of complete chaos when he was working a significant amount of time and then had surgery. But, since then, I think we've gotten back to that routine. But, I don't know for sure what's going on until we call each other in the morning. So, when I took off this Friday, I was expecting to spend the day with him. Well, when I asked him last night (Wednesday) what he was planning on doing with his Friday off, and he told me that he was planning on going up to visit his grandmother for the weekend. I was completely taken off guard with this. And, am extremely hurt that he didn't tell me he was thinking about it until I ASKED HIM! So, I guess my question here is if I'm being unreasonable? I mean, if I would've known that he was planning on not being around, maybe I would've sucked it up and came into work on Friday. And, yes, I know part of it is that I didn't communicate the fact that I was expecting to spend the day with him, but he knew from last week that I was planning on taking the day off. So, why didn't he just tell me that he was planning on going out of town? Okay, you're absolutely right that part of the problem is that you made an assumption about what would happen on Friday without talking to him first. That said, this is clearly something that troubles you. Have you talked about this with him, though? Not like, "I'm upset that you're going away on Friday" - because that's a done deal, and it's nobody's fault. But more forward-looking, as in: "This made me realize that I'd really like to know what's up on the weekends a little sooner, so I can plan ahead and figure out my own schedule. So can we make a deal that we'll figure out by (Wednesday?) when we'll see each other on the upcoming weekend?" I think that it's fair to ask for that...but not so much to expect it without asking for it. Some people are planners, some just aren't (I'm not so sure it always splits that way along gender lines). I think you have to say up front what would be good for you, and hopefully, he'll be attentive to that when you tell him so.
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