Lilmisus Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 My best friend of five years has officially taken talking about cheating on her fiance (she's talked a lot the past year) to the next level and IS cheating on him. Background: they've been together three years, she's now 21 he's 46. She wants to be with him, but at the same time wants her freedom and wants to date other guys since he's already "lived life" and she hasn't. She's cheated on previous boyfriends over the years. Two weeks ago, she told me about a coworker who was asking to go out with her. One night, her and I were together and he wanted to go out, and so she asked if I'd be okay with it. I told her that I wasn't okay with it and wasn't okay with her cheating on her fiance. I assured her I wasn't judging her, but I wasn't going to sit back and watch it happen. Regardless, she asked the dude to join us for some reason, but he said he wanted to just be with her, not with her and me. Fast forward to the other day, we hung out again and he wanted to spend some time with her. She went over to his house after our dinner, but before doing so she asked for my opinion. I told her that it wasn't good to lead someone on to believe you're available and to cheat on someone that loved you. She asked what I would do, and I told her I wouldn't go, but once again I told her that I was not going to judge her. Like I said, she went over there and I found out the next day, that she spent the night. Apparently they stayed up talking the entire night, till the end when they started making out and ended up having sex. They talked about a possible future together, and according to her, she said that she found out that he's pretty much the perfect guy for her. Young, hot, smart, dances, aspiring pilot, rich, very well-endowed, etc. She told me that she wasn't sure what to do. She loves her fiance, but she doesn't really want to be with him as of right now. She wants to see where this guy can go. She has showed me his facebook, sent me pictures of him, and most recently, a picture of them smiling together, and is continually asking me what I think. As of right now, I haven't responded to the last picture she sent me and she keeps calling me asking why I'm not responding..but I don't know what to say anymore. I'm the only person she can talk to, but I don't know how to let her know that I don't support this at all - which I've already said - and don't really want to hear about it. I told her the only way I'll meet this guy (she really really wants me to) is if they're in an official relationship and if she ends things with her fiance. Which..she said she'd do but right now isn't "the right time". I'm beyond sick of this...what would y'all do?
bluenightowl Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 My best friend of five years has officially taken talking about cheating on her fiance (she's talked a lot the past year) to the next level and IS cheating on him. Background: they've been together three years, she's now 21 he's 46. She wants to be with him, but at the same time wants her freedom and wants to date other guys since he's already "lived life" and she hasn't. She's cheated on previous boyfriends over the years. Two weeks ago, she told me about a coworker who was asking to go out with her. One night, her and I were together and he wanted to go out, and so she asked if I'd be okay with it. I told her that I wasn't okay with it and wasn't okay with her cheating on her fiance. I assured her I wasn't judging her, but I wasn't going to sit back and watch it happen. Regardless, she asked the dude to join us for some reason, but he said he wanted to just be with her, not with her and me. Fast forward to the other day, we hung out again and he wanted to spend some time with her. She went over to his house after our dinner, but before doing so she asked for my opinion. I told her that it wasn't good to lead someone on to believe you're available and to cheat on someone that loved you. She asked what I would do, and I told her I wouldn't go, but once again I told her that I was not going to judge her. Like I said, she went over there and I found out the next day, that she spent the night. Apparently they stayed up talking the entire night, till the end when they started making out and ended up having sex. They talked about a possible future together, and according to her, she said that she found out that he's pretty much the perfect guy for her. Young, hot, smart, dances, aspiring pilot, rich, very well-endowed, etc. She told me that she wasn't sure what to do. She loves her fiance, but she doesn't really want to be with him as of right now. She wants to see where this guy can go. She has showed me his facebook, sent me pictures of him, and most recently, a picture of them smiling together, and is continually asking me what I think. As of right now, I haven't responded to the last picture she sent me and she keeps calling me asking why I'm not responding..but I don't know what to say anymore. I'm the only person she can talk to, but I don't know how to let her know that I don't support this at all - which I've already said - and don't really want to hear about it. I told her the only way I'll meet this guy (she really really wants me to) is if they're in an official relationship and if she ends things with her fiance. Which..she said she'd do but right now isn't "the right time". I'm beyond sick of this...what would y'all do? I would do what you are already doing if I felt the way you do. If its affecting you this much, perhaps you need to take a step back to look after yourself. in terms of their relationship, I think its always better to get out of something that is wrong for a person before starting something new. Clearly this older guy isn't the one for her or else she wouldn't be talking like this. She might love him, but she clearly wants something more or needs to get more experience before settling down and she certainly isn't respecting him. I think she should break if off with this finance. Imagine if he ever found out, he'll be hurt and angry at the same time and would likely dump her as he should.
FitChick Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I think she should break if off with this finance. Freudian slip?
thatone Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 haha @ finance, good catch . if the guy at 46 can't figure it out on his own he's a fool. you don't owe him anything. he's been around the block more than you and your friend have. he should be able to spot the signs, and he should know he needs to be on high alert when dating women in their 20s for this very reason. just ignore it, if you try to tell him he'll just get mad at you, you won't solve anything.
Hot Chick Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 First of all - her 21, him 46 = gross. Second of all, she should break up with him, no question. Thirdly - Even tough you don't respect her choices and in fact strongly disagree with them, you should completely stay out of it. I personally would have left the bar when her coworker showed up since she was disrespecting your wishes of not wanting him there because you didn't want to be a part of it, and she kept dragging you back into it.
tigressA Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I think you should take a break from this friendship. She keeps trying to drag you into her mess despite your desire to not be involved. Let her do what she's going to do, let her make her own mistakes. Make it clear that you are not going to be a party to what she's doing AT ALL--and this includes sitting and listening to her tirades full of deceit and selfishness. If she violates that boundary, cut her off and let her know why.
sm1tten Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Well, for one thing, I think you ARE judging her. I think that you mean that you are still supportive of her overall even if you don't support her actions, but I don't think she can see it that way... that being supportive doesn't mean being a cheerleader for bad behavior. You can still listen and not cheerlead, but you'd just be repeating the things you've already said over and over - that she should just break up with her fiance, that she should not lie, et cetera. That would get pretty tiresome after a while. I don't think avoidance of the issue is effective, either. I don't see how you can force her to stop talking about something that is clearly important to her - you can keep trying not to engage and respond, but she's going to keep coming after you trying to get your opinion and, in a sense, your permission to do this. I had a similar situation with someone I considered my best friend. She wasn't cheating, but she was doing things that I could not stand behind and didn't want to hear about. She kept pushing, I cut her off, and I have no regrets. Her drama was affecting me much more than her "friendship" was worth. I'm not telling you to stop being her friend, but if the cheating is something that bothers you so much that you can't/won't even talk to her about it, is this a person you want in your life?
MrNate Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I agree with the above. You may just want to cut this person from your life. In my opinion, I could not be good friends with anyone who would do something like this. I'd respect them 1000 times more if they first ended things with the fiance, and then went about their business. To do otherwise is rather cowardly and something I could never respect. I'd probably just leave altogether, this is just way too toxic for my taste.
Woggle Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I would tell her not to bring it around you and if she doesn't respect that you might have to stop dealing with her. I had a friend who was dating a married woman and when he tried to take her to a BBQ at my house I had to draw the line. It's their life but she needs to respect your feelings about this.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I was in a somewhat similar situation in my early 20s. A friend of mine was cheating on her fiance just about every weekend with a different guy. I knew her fiance, and he was an OK guy. I felt bad for him, as I don't think he had a clue. This friend asked me to be her maid of honor in her wedding, and I said no, because I couldn't support what she was doing with any kind of honor. A week after that, she broke off the engagement and ended the relationship. Our friendship didn't last, mostly because we just had very different values and I found it harder and harder to witness her manipulation and drama and still feel any sense of friendship for her. In your position, I would just tell her how I feel, keep my distance, and keep my expectations for the friendship low.
Author Lilmisus Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 Thanks y'all so much for your feedback, most of what y'all said makes a lot of sense and I appreciate it. I've actually have ended our friendship quite a few times. The most recent time being last year, right before my ex and I started dating. That "break" lasted seven months till I contacted her again. Her and I have very different outlooks on a lot of things, but no matter what...we just keep coming back to one another. She's my best friend and like a sister to me regardless of her poor decisions she makes and sometimes how she tries to dictate my own life, but I know that even if I end our friendship because of this...one way or another we'll just come back to each other, and we've been through worse. I finally called her back today after "missing" two calls and a text from her. I was at another friend's house and I told her what was going on, and she told me to tell her that I don't support her cheating and don't want any part of it. While on the phone, she asked if I saw the last picture she sent of them and the conversation went something like that: Her: did you see that picture I sent you of us? Me: Yeah I did Her: Isn't he cute?! Me: Yeah he is, I've told you that before Her: While I just need to hear it from someone else haha Me: No you don't, you already know it. Her: Do you want to go to the movies with me and him tonight? Me: Huh? No I don't. I already told you I don't want to meet him. Her: Is it cause I'm with **** or is it because you think you'll REALLY like him too? Me: It's because I don't support what you're doing at all. If you decide to stay with either one of them, I'll support you all the way, but I won't support cheating, ever. Her: Yeah..it's wrong, I know... (Convo went on about something or another for a couple more minutes) Thing is, I really want her to just end her engagement. During the phone call she and apparently her fiance accused me of hating him (?) to which I said I didn't, but I didn't throw in that I don't like her engagement. She doesn't want to be in that relationship for multiple reasons and I have no idea why she is in it. Okay..that's a lie..I do know: she already knows what the future will be like if she's with him. She'll have someone who loves her, who'll be supportive of her, and who will give her all the finer things in life (like her 10,000 dollar engagement ring), and she likes that and doesn't want to let that go..yet she does want to let it go. What am I doing wrong right now? If I don't talk to her about this, she wont have anyone else to talk to or to "guide" her to the right path, but I'll be keeping my sanity by not being in the middle of it. If I do talk to her..then hopefully I can knock some sense into her while pushing me and our friendship to the limit. I just really wish I knew what to do. (Oh, and I'm to be the maid of honor in the wedding...whenever it may occur)
Imajerk17 Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I'd cut her off and tell her fiancee. That would put a stop to things quickly!
Ruby Slippers Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 She'll have someone who loves her, who'll be supportive of her, and who will give her all the finer things in life (like her 10,000 dollar engagement ring), and she likes that and doesn't want to let that go..yet she does want to let it go. Yeah, it was the same deal with my friend. She was very pretty, but extremely insecure. Her boyfriend was average, and her flings were all "hotties". She told me one day that she felt like, next to me and our other friends, she wasn't special or good at anything -- the only thing she was good at was always getting the hottest guy. Pretty sad. If I don't talk to her about this, she wont have anyone else to talk to or to "guide" her to the right path, but I'll be keeping my sanity by not being in the middle of it. If I do talk to her..then hopefully I can knock some sense into her while pushing me and our friendship to the limit. I just really wish I knew what to do. She's the one behaving in a dysfunctional way. Don't take that on her for. None of this is your problem. Nothing I said or did ever changed my friend's cheating ways -- EXCEPT when I told her I would not be her maid of honor. I wasn't judgmental about it when I told her that. I just said I wouldn't feel right standing up there next to her in her wedding knowing that she had been cheating all along. She just went completely silent, then broke things off with the guy a week later.
Woggle Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I must say I am really surprised to see so many women encouraging her to cut the friend off. I usually tend to think that women high five and encourage this kind of thing in each other.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 I must say I am really surprised to see so many women encouraging her to cut the friend off. I usually tend to think that women high five and encourage this kind of thing in each other. Remember this.
Woggle Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Remember this. I will. These threads show that maybe I am sometimes wrong about most women deep down hating men.
MrNate Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Yeah, it was the same deal with my friend. She was very pretty, but extremely insecure. Her boyfriend was average, and her flings were all "hotties". She told me one day that she felt like, next to me and our other friends, she wasn't special or good at anything -- the only thing she was good at was always getting the hottest guy. Pretty sad. She's the one behaving in a dysfunctional way. Don't take that on her for. None of this is your problem. Nothing I said or did ever changed my friend's cheating ways -- EXCEPT when I told her I would not be her maid of honor. I wasn't judgmental about it when I told her that. I just said I wouldn't feel right standing up there next to her in her wedding knowing that she had been cheating all along.She just went completely silent, then broke things off with the guy a week later. As expected from Ruby
Star Gazer Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Nothing I said or did ever changed my friend's cheating ways -- EXCEPT when I told her I would not be her maid of honor. I wasn't judgmental about it when I told her that. I just said I wouldn't feel right standing up there next to her in her wedding knowing that she had been cheating all along. She just went completely silent, then broke things off with the guy a week later. I'm really impressed!!
Author Lilmisus Posted August 11, 2011 Author Posted August 11, 2011 I'd cut her off and tell her fiancee. That would put a stop to things quickly! You know...as much as I am opposed to cheating, I care more about my friendship with her than to do that. Yeah...he deserves to know, but I'd rather she slip up and screw herself over than have me hand over this information to him. According to her "he'll never find out" but if she keeps the pictures on her phone (which by the way, each time she's been with this guy, she's always said she was with me or one other friend), that's an easy way for him to find out. Which...I wouldn't be opposed to that at all and would probably say "told ya so" since I keep warning her But at the same time, I remember five months ago when I was freaking out during my breakup trying to figure out from someone if my ex cheated on me and what was going on, no one would tell me anything. They'd just say "I don't want to hurt you" or "I don't know" when all I cared about was the truth. So I feel for the guy...except I'm not his friend, and those who wouldn't tell me anything were some of my closest friends. Other suggestions would be marvelous though y'all
Professor X Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Well, you got 2 options really: 1. You tell the guy and lose your friend. 2. You don't interfere since it's really non of your business. I'd go with option 2 because let's face it, this RS isn't made out of love anyway. Your friend is a gold digger and she found her sugar daddy to buy her all the fancy stuff. And the guy, who's 46 years old, is with her because he enjoys screwing a 21 year old chick with smooth body that could be his daughter (And I promise you a 46 year old guy has nothing in common with a 21 year old chick). She gets a sugar daddy and he gets to have sex with a kid - they both get what they want.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 Well, you got 2 options really: 1. You tell the guy and lose your friend. 2. You don't interfere since it's really non of your business. I'd go with option 2 because let's face it, this RS isn't made out of love anyway. Your friend is a gold digger and she found her sugar daddy to buy her all the fancy stuff. And the guy, who's 46 years old, is with her because he enjoys screwing a 21 year old chick with smooth body that could be his daughter (And I promise you a 46 year old guy has nothing in common with a 21 year old chick). She gets a sugar daddy and he gets to have sex with a kid - they both get what they want. Yeah, I tend to agree. When my friend was cheating, I said I felt bad not telling her bf. But a mutual friend pointed out that he'd have to be blind and a complete idiot (neither of which he was) not to realize she was cheating on him every Saturday night, that he was probably willfully ignoring the truth because he enjoyed dating such an attractive woman too much to do anything about it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 She doesn't want to be in that relationship for multiple reasons and I have no idea why she is in it. Okay..that's a lie..I do know: she already knows what the future will be like if she's with him. She'll have someone who loves her, who'll be supportive of her, and who will give her all the finer things in life (like her 10,000 dollar engagement ring), and she likes that and doesn't want to let that go..yet she does want to let it go. She won't let go because she doesn't know if Mr.Bigdick is going to work out. She is pretty much an ******* and you should not be friends with her. It isn't your job to sort out her life. She should be capable of making moral choices on her own. I don't give a crap how old this fiance is... it ISNT OK to string anyone along like that and take advantage of them. The choice is yours, but I personally would not tolerate a friend like that.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 When my friend was cheating, I said I felt bad not telling her bf. But a mutual friend pointed out that he'd have to be blind and a complete idiot (neither of which he was) not to realize she was cheating on him every Saturday night, that he was probably willfully ignoring the truth because he enjoyed dating such an attractive woman too much to do anything about it. That is a stupid argument. We trust the people we love... many times that makes us blind to the knife they put at our back until it's too late. Your argument is akin to holding date rape victims responsible for being victims... Oh that guy was so creepy you would have to be blind or a complete idiot to not see that coming. If your searching for a rationalization to make you feel better for letting this guy live in the dark.... Keep searching.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 11, 2011 Posted August 11, 2011 That is a stupid argument. We trust the people we love... many times that makes us blind to the knife they put at our back until it's too late. Your argument is akin to holding date rape victims responsible for being victims... Oh that guy was so creepy you would have to be blind or a complete idiot to not see that coming. That's a really poor analogy for this situation. Also, I was the one who felt bad for the guy. It was another friend who said he was probably ignoring the truth -- not me. But in any case... You're telling me you wouldn't be suspicious of anything if your girlfriend went out clubbing with her friends 9 out of 10 Saturday nights, then was too hung over and out of it to hang out with you at all most Sundays? Because this was the deal with her. To me, Saturdays are sacred, and when I'm in a relationship, that time is almost always reserved for me and my man. I know I'd wonder what was up if my guy hardly EVER wanted to spend time with me on Saturday night. When someone is cheating to this extent, there are almost always clear signs.
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