MissVegas Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 General question: Would you seek counselling during a relationship/dating? For example a long term relationship pre marriage to work out infidelity or problems in a relationship and see if you're compatible even for marriage or can work things out? Or would you never do this and assume the relationship would be doomed if you got married anyways?
Sanman Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Counseling is helpful when you have children, mixed finances, or are looking at the financial consequences of divorce. You can certainly go to counseling when dating. My question is why would you do so rather than finding a more suitable mate?
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Counseling is helpful when you have children, mixed finances, or are looking at the financial consequences of divorce. You can certainly go to counseling when dating. My question is why would you do so rather than finding a more suitable mate? So when a married couple wants counseling and it doesn't have to do with children or finances, they should just divorce and find someone more "suitable"? I don't agree with that at all.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I did with my ex-bf when we were dating. Waste of time. Seriously, if there is a deal-breaker during dating, they failed the audition. Next them. And in your case: next him now. Book for you: Taming Your Outer Child As well: EMDR therapy.
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I did with my ex-bf when we were dating. Waste of time. Seriously, if there is a deal-breaker during dating, they failed the audition. Next them. And in your case: next him now. Book for you: Taming Your Outer Child As well: EMDR therapy. It will be different for every relationship. Just because counseling didn't work for one, doesn't mean it won't work out for another. I have to say I wouldn't go to counseling for someone being unfaithful to me. I would just be done after that. But for other things, I wouldn't be against it.
Sanman Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 So when a married couple wants counseling and it doesn't have to do with children or finances, they should just divorce and find someone more "suitable"? I don't agree with that at all. Unless they maintain separate residences and live in a special land where divorce costs nothing, I'm not really sure where you get the idea that their finances are not entwined. Couples therapy is not usually cheap or covered by insurance. When there are not any serious financial or child related consequences involved at least one party is not usually motivated to do the work. You are welcome to disagree with me if you want. Doesn't mean you are right.
make me believe Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 NO, I absolutely would not! I think the idea is insane. If your relationship is already having so many issues, or such deep issues, that you need counseling when you're just dating, then perhaps you're dating the wrong person! People sometimes go to desperate measures to save relationships that just aren't worth saving. I don't get it. I mean, seriously, needing counseling while you're dating should be a pretty big sign that you're not compatible for marriage! For example a long term relationship pre marriage to work out infidelity Dealbreaker. I would absolutely not waste my time on such bullsh*t.
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Unless they maintain separate residences and live in a special land where divorce costs nothing, I'm not really sure where you get the idea that their finances are not entwined. Couples therapy is not usually cheap or covered by insurance. When there are not any serious financial or child related consequences involved at least one party is not usually motivated to do the work. You are welcome to disagree with me if you want. Doesn't mean you are right. I thought you meant if they were going to counseling because of something of something having to do with finances. But if they are going for other reasons, it may be worth the effort. But of course both parties have to want it. If both parties don't want it, than it won't work. I just don't think giving up is always the best or right thing to do.
Sanman Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Just to add, therapy does not always make things perfect, it is more often about making the best of a situation and the goal of therapy is not always to stay together.
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Just to add, therapy does not always make things perfect, it is more often about making the best of a situation and the goal of therapy is not always to stay together. Perfection doesn't exist.
Sanman Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I thought you meant if they were going to counseling because of something of something having to do with finances. But if they are going for other reasons, it may be worth the effort. But of course both parties have to want it. If both parties don't want it, than it won't work. I just don't think giving up is always the best or right thing to do. No, as I said, children and financial consequences are a deterrent to divorce that motivate people to try and work through issues with a life partner. The point of dating is to find a suitable mate. If you are having such serious issues that you need therapy one would generally go find a new mate. Rarely is couples' therapy a mutual decision.
dreamingoftigers Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 It will be different for every relationship. Just because counseling didn't work for one, doesn't mean it won't work out for another. I have to say I wouldn't go to counseling for someone being unfaithful to me. I would just be done after that. But for other things, I wouldn't be against it. I didn't base my opinion on my one failed relationship. I base my opinion on the fact that this dude has some really stupid issues that are so stupid that they are coming through loud and clear during the dating portion of a relationship. Next him. Or watch it get worse because to him you "allowed it." Want a crystal ball? Read my threads. As bastard as he has been to me, even my husband didn't pull this **** while we were dating.
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 No, as I said, children and financial consequences are a deterrent to divorce that motivate people to try and work through issues with a life partner. The point of dating is to find a suitable mate. If you are having such serious issues that you need therapy one would generally go find a new mate. Rarely is couples' therapy a mutual decision. I don't see it that way but ok.
Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 General question: Would you seek counselling during a relationship/dating? For example a long term relationship pre marriage to work out infidelity or problems in a relationship and see if you're compatible even for marriage or can work things out? Or would you never do this and assume the relationship would be doomed if you got married anyways? Are you referring to your own situation? The guy who cheated on you while you were in Vegas after you forced your RS back together under the excuse of a mutual vacation? Do you enjoy pain? If so, go counseling; If not, than just move on already.
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Do you enjoy pain? If so, go counseling; If not, than just move on already. whats up with the hostile attitude?
Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 whats up with the hostile attitude? It wasn't in a hostile tone, not at all, was just asking some honest question. Go read her past threads and you will get a better picture of her situation.
zlatnapolja Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 General question: Would you seek counselling during a relationship/dating? For example a long term relationship pre marriage to work out infidelity or problems in a relationship and see if you're compatible even for marriage or can work things out? Or would you never do this and assume the relationship would be doomed if you got married anyways? I wonder what dr Phil would suggest..
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 It wasn't in a hostile tone, not at all, was just asking some honest question. Go read her past threads and you will get a better picture of her situation. I don't know, guess its just the way I read some of the responses on this board. I'm new here and it seems some people just want to be nasty, and bully. I don't really get it. Not saying that is what you were doing, but just in general.
Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I don't know, guess its just the way I read some of the responses on this board. I'm new here and it seems some people just want to be nasty, and bully. I don't really get it. Not saying that is what you were doing, but just in general. Everyone has his own way to advice you, unless you're the OP, there's no need to take it personally. Some prefer to give you a wake up punch, others will talk with you and the rest will cry with you.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I went to couples and individual counseling during a cohabiting dating relationship. I wanted to marry this man, and would have if not for the major issues we were having with his smothering family. This was essentially pre-marital counseling, which I think is an excellent idea for anyone. Through counseling, I figured out that his relationship with them was never going to change enough to make room for us to have a healthy relationship, so I left him. I gave him plenty of opportunity to make some positive changes, but he either wouldn't or couldn't make anything more than minor changes that didn't really address the main problems. I continued the individual counseling, and I have made tremendous progress in my life because of it. There's no way I would have come this far without it.
zlatnapolja Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Everyone has his own way to advice you, unless you're the OP, there's no need to take it personally. Some prefer to give you a wake up punch, others will talk with you and the rest will cry with you. Can you do all three for me?
Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Can you do all three for me? Hahahaha I can try! I usually talk to a person and if it doesn't work I give him a wake up punch Not really the crying type (I am a man you see, gotta keep my pride ) - but if you really need it, I can make the effort
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Hahahaha I can try! I usually talk to a person and if it doesn't work I give him a wake up punch Not really the crying type (I am a man you see, gotta keep my pride ) I'm sure people appreciate being spoken to with some level of sensitivity rather than being demeaned.
zlatnapolja Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Hahahaha I can try! I usually talk to a person and if it doesn't work I give him a wake up punch Not really the crying type (I am a man you see, gotta keep my pride ) - but if you really need it, I can make the effort Yay:D, but if you want you can also make me smile like youre doing right now!
Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Yay:D, but if you want you can also make me smile like youre doing right now! I'm glad
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