verhrzn Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Is there such a thing as giving off the impression that you’re an easily manipulated person? Because if so, I’d like to know 1) how one gives off such an impression and 2) how I can STOP giving off that impression. In the last three months, every single guy who has shown any remote interest in me has ended up jerking me around in one form or another. Online Guy A) I made the initial contact. We messaged each other fifteen times over about three weeks without him ever once asking for my number or suggesting we meet up. I finally told him I wasn’t interested in being pen pals; he said he’d been “planning to ask (me) but waiting to get over this cold.” Four more messages over two weeks, STILL without asking for my number (or offering his own) and I just gave up responding. Online Guy B) I made the initial contact three months ago. Each time he comes back to the site, he replies enthusiastically to my messages (say I seem way more interesting than the other girls he’s seen) but he only comes onto the site maybe once every two weeks, saying he’s been super busy with work. I gave him my number in the last message, and he hasn’t called or responded. Online Guy C) We’ve been on about three dates after sending some messages back and forth. The dates all seemed to go well, but he hasn’t made a single move… no putting his arm around me, no hugging, nothing. Except for setting up the logistics of a date, I rarely hear from him-he says he hates texting and things like Facebook, so we’ll go the week in between the dates not speaking at all. (I don’t call him because I don’t want to appear needy, I’m not a big talker on the phone anyway, and any time I have I’ve caught him in the middle of hanging out with friends, which adds to my phone awkwardness.) Real Life Guy D) Met him at a nerd convention about a month ago. We seemed to hit it off quite well, and since then have been hanging out at least once a week. At the beginning, he told me he wasn’t “ready” for a romantic relationship, but he’d happily do a “casual” thing. I drew the line at making out (I figured, he was cute and upfront, and a girl’s got needs, so why not.) The thing is, his behavior seems… non-casual. Since the Con, he has contacted me every single day in some way (text, phone call, writing things on my Facebook.) He keeps dropping things into conversation like how compatible we are, how I’ll love this friend or that friend when I meet them, wanting to see me more often. I haven’t brought up dating since the first conversation, but this behavior leaves me feeling a little muddled. I mean, he’s already getting some action… why is he trying to lead me on to thinking he wants a relationship? All of this is leaving me very downheartened. I can’t understand why these guys are stringing me along, and why every single guy who has shown any interest in me is falling into this behavior. I feel as if this is telling me I’m not really cut out for relationships, that I’m not the kinda girl guys apparently want to date, just the type they want to mess around with on the side… Especially since according to some posters on this board, it should be SO EASY for me to get into a relationship cause I’m a WOMAN. What is wrong with me that I keep running into these types of guys? They’re not at all the type that come across as players… I am only really attracted to nerdy boys, which all of these guys are. How do I break this pattern?
CatNtheHat Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Is there such a thing as giving off the impression that you’re an easily manipulated person? Because if so, I’d like to know 1) how one gives off such an impression and 2) how I can STOP giving off that impression. In the last three months, every single guy who has shown any remote interest in me has ended up jerking me around in one form or another. Online Guy A) I made the initial contact. We messaged each other fifteen times over about three weeks without him ever once asking for my number or suggesting we meet up. I finally told him I wasn’t interested in being pen pals; he said he’d been “planning to ask (me) but waiting to get over this cold.” Four more messages over two weeks, STILL without asking for my number (or offering his own) and I just gave up responding. Online Guy B) I made the initial contact three months ago. Each time he comes back to the site, he replies enthusiastically to my messages (say I seem way more interesting than the other girls he’s seen) but he only comes onto the site maybe once every two weeks, saying he’s been super busy with work. I gave him my number in the last message, and he hasn’t called or responded. Online Guy C) We’ve been on about three dates after sending some messages back and forth. The dates all seemed to go well, but he hasn’t made a single move… no putting his arm around me, no hugging, nothing. Except for setting up the logistics of a date, I rarely hear from him-he says he hates texting and things like Facebook, so we’ll go the week in between the dates not speaking at all. (I don’t call him because I don’t want to appear needy, I’m not a big talker on the phone anyway, and any time I have I’ve caught him in the middle of hanging out with friends, which adds to my phone awkwardness.) Real Life Guy D) Met him at a nerd convention about a month ago. We seemed to hit it off quite well, and since then have been hanging out at least once a week. At the beginning, he told me he wasn’t “ready” for a romantic relationship, but he’d happily do a “casual” thing. I drew the line at making out (I figured, he was cute and upfront, and a girl’s got needs, so why not.) The thing is, his behavior seems… non-casual. Since the Con, he has contacted me every single day in some way (text, phone call, writing things on my Facebook.) He keeps dropping things into conversation like how compatible we are, how I’ll love this friend or that friend when I meet them, wanting to see me more often. I haven’t brought up dating since the first conversation, but this behavior leaves me feeling a little muddled. I mean, he’s already getting some action… why is he trying to lead me on to thinking he wants a relationship? All of this is leaving me very downheartened. I can’t understand why these guys are stringing me along, and why every single guy who has shown any interest in me is falling into this behavior. I feel as if this is telling me I’m not really cut out for relationships, that I’m not the kinda girl guys apparently want to date, just the type they want to mess around with on the side… Especially since according to some posters on this board, it should be SO EASY for me to get into a relationship cause I’m a WOMAN. What is wrong with me that I keep running into these types of guys? They’re not at all the type that come across as players… I am only really attracted to nerdy boys, which all of these guys are. How do I break this pattern? You break the pattern by stopping contact with these men after your first inclination there will be disappointment. Why do you keep in contact with men that clearly aren't that into you? When a guy is interested he will pursue you, he won't keep you hanging or wondering.
bluenightowl Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 Is there such a thing as giving off the impression that you’re an easily manipulated person? Because if so, I’d like to know 1) how one gives off such an impression and 2) how I can STOP giving off that impression. In the last three months, every single guy who has shown any remote interest in me has ended up jerking me around in one form or another. Online Guy A) I made the initial contact. We messaged each other fifteen times over about three weeks without him ever once asking for my number or suggesting we meet up. I finally told him I wasn’t interested in being pen pals; he said he’d been “planning to ask (me) but waiting to get over this cold.” Four more messages over two weeks, STILL without asking for my number (or offering his own) and I just gave up responding. Online Guy B) I made the initial contact three months ago. Each time he comes back to the site, he replies enthusiastically to my messages (say I seem way more interesting than the other girls he’s seen) but he only comes onto the site maybe once every two weeks, saying he’s been super busy with work. I gave him my number in the last message, and he hasn’t called or responded. Online Guy C) We’ve been on about three dates after sending some messages back and forth. The dates all seemed to go well, but he hasn’t made a single move… no putting his arm around me, no hugging, nothing. Except for setting up the logistics of a date, I rarely hear from him-he says he hates texting and things like Facebook, so we’ll go the week in between the dates not speaking at all. (I don’t call him because I don’t want to appear needy, I’m not a big talker on the phone anyway, and any time I have I’ve caught him in the middle of hanging out with friends, which adds to my phone awkwardness.) Real Life Guy D) Met him at a nerd convention about a month ago. We seemed to hit it off quite well, and since then have been hanging out at least once a week. At the beginning, he told me he wasn’t “ready” for a romantic relationship, but he’d happily do a “casual” thing. I drew the line at making out (I figured, he was cute and upfront, and a girl’s got needs, so why not.) The thing is, his behavior seems… non-casual. Since the Con, he has contacted me every single day in some way (text, phone call, writing things on my Facebook.) He keeps dropping things into conversation like how compatible we are, how I’ll love this friend or that friend when I meet them, wanting to see me more often. I haven’t brought up dating since the first conversation, but this behavior leaves me feeling a little muddled. I mean, he’s already getting some action… why is he trying to lead me on to thinking he wants a relationship? All of this is leaving me very downheartened. I can’t understand why these guys are stringing me along, and why every single guy who has shown any interest in me is falling into this behavior. I feel as if this is telling me I’m not really cut out for relationships, that I’m not the kinda girl guys apparently want to date, just the type they want to mess around with on the side… Especially since according to some posters on this board, it should be SO EASY for me to get into a relationship cause I’m a WOMAN. What is wrong with me that I keep running into these types of guys? They’re not at all the type that come across as players… I am only really attracted to nerdy boys, which all of these guys are. How do I break this pattern? stop dating nerdy BOYS. It sounds like you need to find some more mature guys who know what they want. I was once attracted to hippy types when I was young and soon got over that. You might also ask yourself if you are really looking for a relationship. For some reason I've noticed people who think they want a LTR, but are actually commitment phobic types, and tend to attract other commitment phobic types. I'm not saying that's you, but it happens a lot.
Author verhrzn Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 (edited) stop dating nerdy BOYS. It sounds like you need to find some more mature guys who know what they want. I was once attracted to hippy types when I was young and soon got over that. You might also ask yourself if you are really looking for a relationship. For some reason I've noticed people who think they want a LTR, but are actually commitment phobic types, and tend to attract other commitment phobic types. I'm not saying that's you, but it happens a lot. I'm really not sure what you mean by "mature"... and how do you determine if a guy is immature or not? Additionally, the guys I meet who most people who classify as "mature" are either married/engaged, or not interested in me. Nerdy boys are the only ones who seem to like me at all.... You break the pattern by stopping contact with these men after your first inclination there will be disappointment. Why do you keep in contact with men that clearly aren't that into you? When a guy is interested he will pursue you, he won't keep you hanging or wondering. The last guy is the only one I haven't broken off contact with, cause he WAS upfront with me about not wanting a relationship, so I've kind of stuck him in a "FWB" box. I meant more the pattern of attracting only guys who string me along... The guys I listed are the ONLY one who have shown even vague interest in me for months. Does it mean I'm just too worthless for a relationship that I can't attract anyone who actually wants me?... Edited August 9, 2011 by verhrzn
Yookie Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I don't think it's you necessarily. It's a numbers game (especially online dating). Depending on your age bracket, there will be a percentage of guys who are just interested in playing the field so you may see the flaky non-committal behavior more often than guys who are focused. I know of a lady that dated guys from online sites for about 4 years before she found her husband. Forget how many guys she dated in that time but it was in the triple digits!
zlatnapolja Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 [Real Life Guy D) Met him at a nerd convention about a month ago. What on earth is a NERD convention? Only in America.... Why do you date nerds? Because you think they have such good social skills? I understand that if you like someone, but they happened to be geeky, that you'd still go out with them. But why do you LOOK for them? There are smart people out there, that arent geeky. There are even nerds out there that have some social skills and that would make a great BF or husband. But my guess is that you wont find any good BF material on a nerd convention.....
make me believe Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Guy A: You definitely shouldn't play penpals for 3 weeks, waiting for him to ask for your number. If he (or you) doesn't make that move within the first few messages, just move on. Guy B: He's showing his lack of interest. Even if he's KINDA interested, he's not interested ENOUGH. Move on. (Why would you even bother giving him your number when he can only bother to get on the site & contact you every 2 weeks anyway? ) Guy C: He's not making a move, he doesn't contact you between dates... he's not interested. Don't accept anymore dates from him. Guy D: He seems like a game player. But why would you waste your time on somebody who's not looking for a relationship if you ARE looking for one?? I think you keep trying to stay in contact with these guys long after they've shown they aren't truly interested. =/ If a guy wants to pursue you, he will. He won't just email you for three weeks, or let two weeks go by without contacting you, or make up excuses as to why he doesn't contact you between dates, or tell you he doesn't want a romantic relationship. These are all signals that you are ignoring. I think you need to open your eyes more and be willing to drop guys when they are giving these kinds of red flags. I mean, for example with Guy C, I don't even know why you are still giving him the time of day when he has given you MANY signs that he's not into you.
CatNtheHat Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 i think you keep trying to stay in contact with these guys long after they've shown they aren't truly interested. =/ if a guy wants to pursue you, he will. He won't just email you for three weeks, or let two weeks go by without contacting you, or make up excuses as to why he doesn't contact you between dates, or tell you he doesn't want a romantic relationship. These are all signals that you are ignoring. I think you need to open your eyes more and be willing to drop guys when they are giving these kinds of red flags. I mean, for example with guy c, i don't even know why you are still giving him the time of day when he has given you many signs that he's not into you. this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
todd Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Basically you get what you showcase to the world. If you want a serious relationship and a guy doesn't one then don't waste your time with him. If you don't have any boundaries for yourself with these guys then they will just keep you hooked along and chat to you every once in awhile when they are bored or just as a way to boost their own confidence of all the girls they are chatting up at once. Look at yourself to set boundaries of what you are will to accept and then follow through with it. If you give a guy your number and he doesn't call you then he is not interested and you need to move on. If you show strength and confidence in what you want you will attract that kind of individual in turn. Good Luck
D-Lish Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You're not "running into them", you're attracting them. If you ever get an impression that someone is stringing you along- you need to cut ties. If someone tells you they aren't ready for a relationship- take them at their word. People can only string you along if YOU let them. Are you missing red flags?
Anela Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I would say that the last one doesn't sound like he's feeling that casual about things, but I agree about taking them at their word.
D-Lish Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I would say that the last one doesn't sound like he's feeling that casual about things, but I agree about taking them at their word. You always have to take guys at their word. I dated a guy that told me on our first date that he wasn't looking for anything serious- yet he acted like he wanted to be serious with me- he wanted to see me every day. Within 2 months, he told me he loved me... Then, when I asked him if he wanted to come for x-mas dinner at the 3 month mark at my parents house (he was from Ireland, alone in Canada).... He jumped back 10 feet and told me that he'd already clarified with me that he didn't want a relationship. I remember saying to him "why have you been telling me you loved me??" And he said he'd never said it, lol. As if I was stupid...Because he said it everytime we were together.
Cypress25 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 The last one is just trying to get you to have sex with him. Some guys will say anything.
Author verhrzn Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 The last one is just trying to get you to have sex with him. Some guys will say anything. Why doesn't he just hire a hooker, it'd be far less time consuming... Additionally, if guys will say ANYTHING to get sex, then how can you ever be sure that a guy is into you? He could be doing all those things that supposedly mean he's into you just to get sex! Is the only way to tell to just have sex with them and see if they stick around? Why do you date nerds? Because you think they have such good social skills? I understand that if you like someone, but they happened to be geeky, that you'd still go out with them. But why do you LOOK for them? There are smart people out there, that arent geeky. There are even nerds out there that have some social skills and that would make a great BF or husband. But my guess is that you wont find any good BF material on a nerd convention..... I like nerds because I myself am nerdy (video games, comic books and the like.) It's probably the biggest thing I think is attractive about myself. Non-nerdy guys have never been interested in me. I'm just... too weird for them. I don't even bother with "normal" guys any more cause I know they won't be into me.
Cypress25 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Why doesn't he just hire a hooker, it'd be far less time consuming... Because it's illegal and expensive, and potentially dangerous. And some guys take pride in "conquering" a challenging woman. Additionally, if guys will say ANYTHING to get sex, then how can you ever be sure that a guy is into you? He could be doing all those things that supposedly mean he's into you just to get sex! Is the only way to tell to just have sex with them and see if they stick around? No, the only way to tell is to NOT have sex with him and see if he sticks around. If he does, and he's willing to be in an exclusive committed relationship with you BEFORE you have sex, then there's a good chance that he actually cares about you. The fact that he explicitly stated that he does NOT want a relationship seems to indicate that he would not stick around after getting laid. He's being honest with you, maybe you should believe what he says.
zlatnapolja Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I like nerds because I myself am nerdy (video games, comic books and the like.) It's probably the biggest thing I think is attractive about myself. Non-nerdy guys have never been interested in me. I'm just... too weird for them. I don't even bother with "normal" guys any more cause I know they won't be into me. Aha okay, comic book and games seem like hobbies. Doesnt make you a geek right away, but I'll trust you hehehe:p What is a nerdconvention? I've honestly never heard of this concept. I can imagine a bunch of nerds dressed up like star wars figures, talking about algebra, but thats just my imagination.
FitChick Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 Does it mean I'm just too worthless for a relationship that I can't attract anyone who actually wants me?... If that is your belief, you have to eliminate it via The Lefkoe Method and you will attract and be attracted to a totally different kind of man (not boy). You have other limiting beliefs about yourself, men and relationships, but this is just a taste of the possibilities. It totally changed my dating life for the better in ways I'd never have imagined. You have nothing to lose.
Author verhrzn Posted August 10, 2011 Author Posted August 10, 2011 Because it's illegal and expensive, and potentially dangerous. And some guys take pride in "conquering" a challenging woman. No, the only way to tell is to NOT have sex with him and see if he sticks around. If he does, and he's willing to be in an exclusive committed relationship with you BEFORE you have sex, then there's a good chance that he actually cares about you. The fact that he explicitly stated that he does NOT want a relationship seems to indicate that he would not stick around after getting laid. He's being honest with you, maybe you should believe what he says. I do believe him, that's why I said "Oh okay," and stuck him in the Friends with Benefits zone... But his behavior is just throwing me off. I don't agree about the "don't have sex and exclusively date and that means he likes you." I've had at least two boyfriends that exclusively dated me just for the sex, not because they actually liked me all that much. It seems even dating you exclusively doesn't guarantee the guy isn't in it to get laid.
Cypress25 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I do believe him, that's why I said "Oh okay," and stuck him in the Friends with Benefits zone... But his behavior is just throwing me off. That's what I'm saying, he's trying to throw you off with his behavior. It's because you're only giving him so much, but he wants more. You said you're hooking up with him but you haven't gone past heavy kissing since he doesn't want anything serious. He probably thinks he can get you to go a little further by acting all sweet and caring. I think you're smart to limit the physical intimacy with this guy, just don't fall for the "nice guy" act. You don't know how many other girls he's having sex with, remember. That's usually why a guy would say he doesn't want a relationship; he doesn't want to limit himself to one girl.
MrNate Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You're not "running into them", you're attracting them. If you ever get an impression that someone is stringing you along- you need to cut ties. If someone tells you they aren't ready for a relationship- take them at their word. People can only string you along if YOU let them. Are you missing red flags? Now this is wisdom. No one can string you along, unless you let them. Taking responsibility is the fastest way to solve this.
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Professor X Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I do believe him, that's why I said "Oh okay," and stuck him in the Friends with Benefits zone... But his behavior is just throwing me off. I don't agree about the "don't have sex and exclusively date and that means he likes you." I've had at least two boyfriends that exclusively dated me just for the sex, not because they actually liked me all that much. It seems even dating you exclusively doesn't guarantee the guy isn't in it to get laid. I think that it's much more easier to blame oneself in the sense of "Oh, I'm just not good enough for others" than to just take responsibility for your own actions. I am 100% sure that if you were to post us the history of how you met your exes and what went on in your RS, we would all be able to show you some very huge red flags. I'd say your scanner is a bit off and needs some tuning. You did, after all, attract men, the wrong kind, but men nonetheless, so nothing is wrong with you, not at all, and you sure are "men worthy".
Eeyore79 Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 I don't think all of these guys are actually disinterested or stringing you along. They sound like the typical shy nerdy boys who don't know how to approach a woman or make a move. Guy A sounds like he's shy about actually meeting you face to face; maybe he likes talking to you and is afraid you won't like him in person. Guy C sounds scared to make a move like kissing you; if you kissed or hugged him he'd probably respond enthusiastically. Guy B does sound disinterested as he hasn't called you and rarely comes online; write him off. Guy D also sounds disinterested; you should have cut him loose when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. No matter what his behavior seems like, if he said he doesn't want a relationship, then he doesn't want a relationship. In summary: you need to learn to recognize red flags (like the obvious disinterest shown by guys B and D) and distinguish it from shyness (guys A and C). If you're going to date nerdy men, you have to be prepared for them to be shy and reluctant to make a move; you'll probably have to indicate your interest more strongly than with other men, or even make a move yourself.
Emilia Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 You're not "running into them", you're attracting them. If you ever get an impression that someone is stringing you along- you need to cut ties. If someone tells you they aren't ready for a relationship- take them at their word. People can only string you along if YOU let them. Are you missing red flags? This. Also from your other threads I think you meet guys at those geek convensions or something. They aren't really mature, outgoing, extrovert types. I think - as you crave social interraction - you should change the type of people you hang out with. Forget those sci-fi nerds, find some real men
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 10, 2011 Posted August 10, 2011 The last one is just trying to get you to have sex with him. Some guys will say anything. I agree.... and... why hire a hooker if he can get it for free from the OP?? This last one is the worst...
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