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Going to extreme lengths to stop him seeing ex


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Posted

As the title says this is what I am doing.

Hello!

My boyfriend still sees his ex and it makes me unhappy. He knows this and has said he won't see her much but I haven't told him just how much it upsets me in fear of losing him to her.

 

Last month he met up with her for lunch. The lunch carried on until the late evening and I was texting him and texting him to ask him where he was. (we don't live together yet but am hoping we will soon). As I knew he was seeing her that day I made sure he would want to come round to mine that evening by booking a table at a really expensive restaurant. However I didn't tell him, only told him to be home by 8 'for a surprise'. When he didn't show I texted him again and agian until he replied that he was sorry he was running late and would be at mine in an hour. I was furious that he was with his ex all that time and in the end I cabelled our diner reservation.

 

Anyway last week he also met up with his ex and this time I made sure he didn't spend too long with her by teling him I had booked a night away in a hotel (I hadn't but at least he came back to me on time this time. He was angry this time and I just said I must have made a mistake with the online booking and it fell through).

 

I would do anything to stop him from ever seeing his ex again. I feel I can't compete with their bond/history as they have known each other for 12 years. They were together for the last five of those twelve years and he broke up with her. He has said I am being too controlling and possessive and that they are just friends now simple as that.

 

As his girlfriend I believe I should exert some control on who he sees and if he doesn't agree then I have no choice but to do it on the sly. After all it's for the good of our relationship and we are the ones that count, not exes and friends. I know this comes accross as a bit manic but in the past all my exes respected my wishes to break contact with their exes but this one won't and I feel totally out of control. Please advise! What tricks do you know for severing ties between you SO and their ex?

Posted

How long have you been in the relationship with this person?

  • Author
Posted

Hi

We've been together for four months now.

Maybe I'm overreacting with this but I just can't let him be tempted to get back with his ex.

Posted
As his girlfriend I believe I should exert some control on who he sees and if he doesn't agree then I have no choice but to do it on the sly. After all it's for the good of our relationship and we are the ones that count, not exes and friends. I know this comes accross as a bit manic but in the past all my exes respected my wishes to break contact with their exes but this one won't and I feel totally out of control. Please advise! What tricks do you know for severing ties between you SO and their ex?

 

Yeah, it does come across as a bit manic. Or something.

 

The fact is that you have no control over whether he sees his ex or not. All you can do is let him know how you feel about it. If he continues to see her, and it's a deal-breaker for you (and it IS a reasonable deal-breaker), end the relationship.

 

Forget the cloak-and-dagger stuff. It's demeaning to you and him.

Posted

You should just make him choose now. If he wants to leave you he is going to, so you should just break up with him now stating how uncomfortable you are with his relationship with his ex. If he really wants you, he'll stop seeing her, and if not, then you've already done the hard part of breaking up and all you have to do is walk away.

 

You seem spineless, so I have zero faith in you, but good luck whatever you choose to do.

Posted

I would walk away from this relationship. It doesn't seem as if he's over his ex. To spend hours and hours with an ex, and then still see them the next week isn't the sign of a man who is over an ex. He obviously still wants her company and (very) possibly is hoping to reconcile with her. I think his emotional bond is with her and not you, otherwise he might text his ex or meet with his ex about once every six months or so, and you would be invited.

Don't desperately try to hold on to a man who's heart is with someone else. Move on.

Posted

It's totally uncool for him to be spending all that time with his ex, but you can't base a relationship on trickery. You can't trick him into not seeing his ex, he needs to decide that for himself.

 

Lunch turns into late evening? Give me a break. They likely had sex. At a minimum, completely disrespectful. I wouldn't be planning on sharing a home with that person anytime soon. Not until we had a good solid history of exclusive dating.

  • Author
Posted

Well they see each other roughly once a month and the lucch date last month was quite a way away.

Yeah I know it's not right and I'm not handling it right but I don't know what else to do. He already knows I dont want him seeing her.

Thanks for your replies all of you anyway

Posted

Do you have an exclusive relationship with him? I honestly think he was likely having sex with her when he spent several hours with her.

Posted

When you have to lie to make him come home or to keep him with you it's not worth the pain, heartache, anger or effort.

  • Author
Posted
Do you have an exclusive relationship with him? I honestly think he was likely having sex with her when he spent several hours with her.

 

I really hope not!

Yes, we're exclusive. We've had that chat and he has even said he loves me.

To be honest altogether their lunch lasted five hours. Food then drinks in the pub. I knew about the drinks in the pub afterwards and allowed it as long as he'd be back by eight o'clock which he wasn't. He was an hour late.

 

I really don't think they've had sex whilst we've been together but I don't want him to be in tempting situations with her. She's not that pretty so I don't feel threatened in that respect. However I feel and I fear I amy be driving him away woth my attitude.

Posted

However I feel and I fear I amy be driving him away woth my attitude.

This. Because that is exactly what you are doing.

 

While she's sitting there being the cool, chill, ex-girlfriend, you're the manic, needy, controlling girlfriend.

 

If you have to go to this much trouble to get him away from her and to spend time with you, you're better off without him. If his keeping contact with his ex is a dealbreaker, then you're better off without him. If you are going to resort to being manipulative and "sly," then you're better off without him.

 

And frankly, he's better off without you, too.

 

There's really nothing good you can do here. If you've already established your boundaries and he's not interested in maintaining them, then the relationship is at a standstill. There are no "tricks" that work in any real, long-term, or healthy sense.

Posted

I don't see the ex girlfriend as the "cool chill" ex girlfriend. Any woman who hangs with her ex boyfriend for 5 hours in an afternoon can't be over him and is wanting him back.

Posted

This is why I don't date women who are friends with their ex's. anymore.

If they start talking about an ex & they don't a have a kid with him I'm outta there.

 

surprisingly i've been out with 3 different women this summer that felt the need to tell me about an ex. Two were still friends with them & the 3rd told me he called looking for a booty call just before she met me. :confused:

 

I see my ex-wife 5 to 10 times a week when I exchange the kids & she's the last fricken thing on my mind when i'm out with another woman.

 

Sorry, but if their out with me & bringing him up out of the blue there are unresolved feelings & they most likely will wind up in bed together & i'll wind up being chumpy mc chumpkin.

Posted

Drop him. He's going to drop you anyways. Either because of your possessiveness of because they will be banging again.

 

The proper way to handle this is to state your boundary and if he doesn't go for it - BAIL. enforce your boundary. At four months in you shouldn't be having these debates at all.

 

This red flag should be spearing you, really.

Posted

You have some real issues you have to deal with. You have to realise that by trying to control him and constantly getting involved in where he is and what he is doing you are just pushing him further away from you. You are coming across as a maniac and even if nothing at all is going on with him and his ex it will still push him away from having to deal with you and these antics. You have no trust in him and a relationship like that can not work.

 

I am still friends with my ex. I dated her for 2 years and now we are like brother and sister. Nothing will ever happen with her, but If a girl does not have confidence in me and trusts me or (tries to treat me like a child telling me who I can talk to, where I need to be all the time, etc.) then I am not going to be with her. This is not because I am attracted to my ex or want her back, its because you don't trust me to be an adult. This is how I look at things.

 

If an ex of mine wants to continue to hang out and be friends with her ex then go for it. If during that time she cheats on me or it goes further then that then it has helped me find out rather quickly that she was not the one for me. It makes my job a lot easier in finding someone if they are willing to chose their ex over me. Better to find out now then when I push a girl into marriage to try to hold on to it and then she divorce me later.

Posted
I don't see the ex girlfriend as the "cool chill" ex girlfriend. Any woman who hangs with her ex boyfriend for 5 hours in an afternoon can't be over him and is wanting him back.

In comparison to his girlfriend, I think so. After all, he is choosing to spend a lot of time with this woman for a reason.

 

I really don't think that it's the worst thing in the world to stay friends or friendly with your ex. I do think it's bad to spend a lot of time with them when it clearly bothers your current partner. But i also wonder why he's doing it - is it something where he's still into the ex? Is it something where he's not as into the new girlfriend? Is he just a douche?

Posted
In comparison to his girlfriend, I think so. After all, he is choosing to spend a lot of time with this woman for a reason.

 

I really don't think that it's the worst thing in the world to stay friends or friendly with your ex. I do think it's bad to spend a lot of time with them when it clearly bothers your current partner. But i also wonder why he's doing it - is it something where he's still into the ex? Is it something where he's not as into the new girlfriend? Is he just a douche?

 

If I was in his shoes and had a girlfriend that was constantly hassling me about when I am going to be back at my place or how long am I going to be out tonight or constantly texting what I am doing this instant or where I am at I would do what he is doing. Her actions would want me to hang out with my friend (who might be my ex) just so I could be in the company of someone that isnt constantly checking in on me like I am a child. It would push me away from her and draw my interest to someone who is not as controlling. Even if I loved someone, if they dont trust me, and are trying to hold me so tight that I can;t breath, sooner or later the enjoyment I had in the relationship will dwindle and I will look somewhere else. Her actions to hold on to me would actually be the thing the pushes me away.

 

Its about trusting in your partner. Its about trusting in their words and actions until they go against them. You have to let him breath or you will kill the relationship no matter what.

Posted
As the title says this is what I am doing.

Hello!

My boyfriend still sees his ex and it makes me unhappy. He knows this and has said he won't see her much but I haven't told him just how much it upsets me in fear of losing him to her.

 

Last month he met up with her for lunch. The lunch carried on until the late evening and I was texting him and texting him to ask him where he was. (we don't live together yet but am hoping we will soon). As I knew he was seeing her that day I made sure he would want to come round to mine that evening by booking a table at a really expensive restaurant. However I didn't tell him, only told him to be home by 8 'for a surprise'. When he didn't show I texted him again and agian until he replied that he was sorry he was running late and would be at mine in an hour. I was furious that he was with his ex all that time and in the end I cabelled our diner reservation.

 

Anyway last week he also met up with his ex and this time I made sure he didn't spend too long with her by teling him I had booked a night away in a hotel (I hadn't but at least he came back to me on time this time. He was angry this time and I just said I must have made a mistake with the online booking and it fell through).

 

I would do anything to stop him from ever seeing his ex again. I feel I can't compete with their bond/history as they have known each other for 12 years. They were together for the last five of those twelve years and he broke up with her. He has said I am being too controlling and possessive and that they are just friends now simple as that.

 

As his girlfriend I believe I should exert some control on who he sees and if he doesn't agree then I have no choice but to do it on the sly. After all it's for the good of our relationship and we are the ones that count, not exes and friends. I know this comes accross as a bit manic but in the past all my exes respected my wishes to break contact with their exes but this one won't and I feel totally out of control. Please advise! What tricks do you know for severing ties between you SO and their ex?

 

If he knows how you feel and he doesn't respect your wishes, than I would dump him.

Posted

I would think that a guy who really cared for his girlfriend would invite her to go with him to have lunch with his ex and to the pub. It makes no sense there would be a need to see her alone. It is fishy to me.

  • Author
Posted

Hello and thank you all for taking the time to respond.

 

I've thought a lot about this situation and I'm still so unsure. One the one hand he's the best, most attentive, most attractive, funny, kind guy I've ever known - and I'm in my mid thirties! On the other , well the only issue is the ex. On the surface meeting up once a month didn't sound bad and I'd thought I'd be fine about it when he mentioned he was still in contact with her - this is when we started dating. However is practise I never realised just how jealous I was. I think it's because I really, really like him and don't want to lose him. I do realise acting this way may drive him away I can't help myself.

I just can't forbid him from seing someone he has known for at least 10 years who just happened to be his girlfriend for less than half of the time they have known each other. The have so much in common they just didn't get on when they were a couple. Five hours with someone you've known for 12 years isn't all that long I keep telling myself. BUT and the big BUT is that he was with his ex, someone he used to find sexually attractive and someone he used to sleep with.

 

I've now decided rather than try to prevent him from seeing her to really work hard on our relationship so he won't even consider leaving me for her.

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