I need SERIOUS !

[babyygirllhi]

This will be long, but i'm in serious need of some advice. Any advice is truly appreciated!

 

My bf broke up with me after 1 year because he wants/needs to be alone. He is NOT the typical guy. He has only been attracted (like wanting someone sexually) to me, all other girls he dated would come onto him, not vise versa, and when they wanted something more he would stop seeing them. He didn't like to party, drink, and he was into staying at home and reading, learning, trying to come up with a way to make money on his own. Like in his own way, so he can do whatever he wants. He drives a motorcycle and he has his parachting license. He just really likes to be free and independent. Would never be able to depend on anyone else. etc. I thnk deep down he is this sweet, emotional guy but then on the other hand he has this "idea" of a person he is trying to make himself into. (Its like he has 2 sides...the sweet emotionl, cries to movies, and then the other side of him trying to build himself up to this extremely free and independent guy). Almost as if the world is black and white. He is probably an introvert, I think... He is fun and outgoing, likes to do things, learn, intellectual, etc.

 

He is 22, im 24. We met and he fell in love for the first time. From the beginning he was very independent and wasnt prepared to fall in love and I felt this, and me being a very romantic, loving girl I ended up feeling worse and worse bc he wasn't giving me the emotions I need, the attention i need. I tnk he had a hard time showing love. However, this got better and better, and I knwo he has it in him. He told me when we met that he saw himself being who he wants to be at age 30. never thought about marriage either. however that changed after i explained my idea of love,and he still says he loves how i see love. and admitted to wanting to marry me some day, and we made up baby names, etc. He is bad at communicating his emotions. And to be honest, he doesn't know what he is feeling when he feels things. He is also is a person who doesnt take in everything at once. So if we are in a huge loud city, he said it feels liek his mind blocks things out so he doesnt take everything in at once. Also, he isnt the type who feels a need to express himself. Like, most people get this feeling inside of them that they have to let it out when somehting really great happens, but he doesnt. Also, he never has had the feeling of "i cant eat, im too excited, or too sad". When we broke up and i got skinny and told him why, he couldnt understand that feeling. We jumped into a serious relationship the first week, and were together 24/7 for 1 year.

 

Im american, he is swedish, but ive lived in sweden for 4 years and when we met i told him i would be planning to move back to florida. He said great, i have always planned on moving where it's hotter, i cant stand the swedish winters. So, we travlled to florida where im from, he loved it and says its the number 1 place he would live.

 

Then, instead of staing in sweden for the winter, we travelled to asia for 3 months. (when we met, he had a plan to go there alone .. but after we met he couldnt not be with me...). Also, before we met, he had plans to move in with his friend so they could work togethr to come up with a way to make money. But then he decided to be with me instead, which was in a different city since i was studying. Through the whole relationship, something was always wrong. He wasn't able to work on his ideas of making money, it's like he didn't know how to handle a girlfriend while having his friends still and working on business idea. He says i'm the perfect girl, he loves the way i thnk, see life, my looks are perfect, and he is still in love with me and i'm his best friend. also that he has opened up to me WAY mre than anyone. but he broke up with me. lots of tears, still seeing eachother, said he missed my smile, laugh, smell, our conversations, etc ... but needs to be alone..for years he says. at one point during the breakup, i thought i could be pregnant bc we had unprotected sex many times ... (just happened, neither of us could explain..) and he always wanted to be there with me when i tested, and when i would say like "omg u will be stuck with me" he would reply "dont say stuck with you!" it just confused the hell out of me. i FEEL that he is still in love with me, he does NOT want anyone else, but needs to be alone.... that is all i got out of him. nothing about "we moved too fast, im not ready to move to florida", just "i need to be alone".

 

So i was a MESS. an insane mess. he is in love, and i feel it, and this is the guy i truly see as my BEST friend, the perfect father, im SOO attracted, etc. But would he ever change, or would he always have to leave to "fix things" in his life?

 

When we broke up , he couldnt handle it. It was a long process and in the beginning he said "I need to figure out if I can give you 100% like you deserve, or if I need to be alone"... he needed to be alone. I gave him options, told him we were together 24/7 and we can have a normal relationship. He said "no, that wont work. I need to be alone, not single, alone. do what i need for me to feel good." Plus when i asked him if he sees us together in the future he said "omg yes, but i dont want to tell you this because then it just wont work, you cant wait for me, then it..it just wont work". when i asked how he feels if i date someone he replied that he cant and doesnt think aobut that. This was about 1.5 month ago, however we actually stopped seeing eachother about 3 weeks ago, he moved into an apartment (for 1 month) in a big city with the guy he wanted to work with, and have only talked 2 times since then. He knew he hurt me and respected me when I said i cant talk, etc. About 9 days after we stopped seeing eachother, i told him i could talk and he said "great!" and called me that night. He called and was telling me how he is lost, doesnt know what he wants in life. He just doesnt want to work, he wants to be able to do what he wants, build himself as a person. I ended the convo and he sounded a little surprised (since its ALWAYS him leaving first, ending convos, etc). also, im moving back to florida in 20 days and when i told him he sounded shocked and said "I can come to you on my way back home before you move" (we are in diff cities now). i said no its not a good idea. and he said nervously "well we can talk about it later, dont decide now". then he sent a text after saying "your words are wisdom to me, you know me. its hard to talk but i think its good for both of us. talk to you after italy. have fun!" . (i went to italy and got back 2 days ago).

 

2 days ago, coming back from Italy, i wrote him a long mail about how i feel better about myself, needed to be alone and saw some things, how i was very pushy and jealous with him, plus just different issues i had with my family etc when we were tgoether. then i told him that i respect that he needs to be alone and that im here for him. but that id be busy studying when i got back to sweden, before moving to florida. The second he read this mail, he called me. said he was very happy we could talk and very happy with what i wrote in the mail. we talked about what is going on in our lives etc. he is working on a blog with his friend and he is working on writing a few books, etc then...this is the wierd thing. I had dinner with his parents about 1 week ago, to tell them goodbye, and they didnt know what happened with us. They knew we broke up, but NOTHING more. and his mom said "well, i hope he isn't all talk" (since he isnt working etc). and when i was on the phone with him, he asked again if he can stop and say goodbye. i said "no, its not a good idea, i dont think i can". and he replied "but how come my parents got to say bye to you, and not me?!" and he sounded like he was pleading. DOES HE NOT UDNERSTAND THAT MY HEART IS BROKEN AND THAT IF I WOULD SEE HIM I WOULD ONLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM?! WOULDNT HE HAVE A HARD TIME LEAVING ME?? Is he an idiot, to not even udnerstand that?!

 

What is this?! I realize he is "different" but will he really get to that point in life where he gets his own career and money, and then finally be able to relax and show love? Ive never met anyone like this is all. But im INSANELY in love, he is my BEST friend, and i love the way he motivates me, he is so positive, and all that... but what do I do? it feels like he is so independent, in NO need of others to push him or give ideas etc, so he doesnt unerstand that other people lke that. so he wouldnt call or send sweet messages to make me feel happy, bc he didnt get it. or something. i dunno. but he is VERY good at listening and changing. So if I told him "please text me more to tell me i'm pretty"...im pretty sure he would! its just that he doesnt udnerstand himself, that girls like that. or that people like that. because he isnt that way....

 

Next time he calls, do i explain to him like a child that "i cant see u because it will hurt too much, and in order to move on i have to get over you" .. Then tell him how i feel, like "im so in love with you and i want to spend my life with you, you are my best friend, i want to see you and talk to you everyday, but you obviously need time to figure yourself out and im not sure you would ever be able to give me what you want." then ask him how he is feeling about everything... and if he is still saying he needs to be alone for years, etc, i tell him i will not be able to talk to him until i get over him and move on. Or should I see him, be a friend, no lovey faces or talk or anything, and let him SEE me again and feel my presence since we havent seen eachohter for 3 weeks and we were ALWAYS together? Let him FEEL that he is saying goodbye for real, and letting me go? And tell him these things in person that i was going to say on the phone?

 

I TRULY believe i am perfect for him, its nothing to do with me, it's all to do with him. thats what keeps me hanging on sure, i might meet a guy in a few months that is great, and maybe i fall il ove, but i dont see myself ever letting him go:(

Edited August 5, 2011 by babyygirllhi

[Mr. Slim]

Well, I'm not sure what can really be said here. He's 22 years old and seems to march to the beat of his own drummer. And while he seems extremely unfocused and a bit dramatic with his "need to be alone" act... he's also far from a finished product. In other words, he's 22 and it's okay to not know where you're going yet.

 

I'm not sure what you want to happen but he seems to have made it perfectly clear he's going to do his entrepreneurial experiments (for lack of a better term) until he's forced to get a job like the rest of us. I don't know if there's any tactic you can use to get him to see things your way.