Almond_Joy Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Hi everyone, I've always been the quiet type. I like my own company and spend a lot of time doing "quiet" activities - reading, watching movies, having discussions. I like to dance and go hiking, but not that often. Don't drink, don't party, and if I do hang out with people I'd prefer only one or two close friends over a structured activity like dinner or an event. I also try to be rational pretty much all the time, so I don't do emotional outbursts or often make impulsive decisions.....I hope you get the jist of of my demeanor, or have met/know people like this. I'm very happy with my personality and lifestyle, but I think most people who look at me think I'm BORING....my closer friends have all affirmed this is how they see me. I'm trying to break into casual dating and am not really sure what to do. I mean I want to attract guys my age - I don't really want a much older man (I'm 25, so no older than 30), but the pickings seem slim. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places? I started doing online dating about 2 months ago, but I don't get bites from guys who seem like they'd be a good fit for me. I only hear from the guys that want casual sex OR want to "fall in love" right away and have a long term relationship, which I don't want to do. I've started reaching out to guys, which makes me very uncomfortable, but I figured waiting for someone to talk to me wasn't going to get any results. Guys, can you share your perspective on women like me, or any opinion or insight you may have on this situation? I mean if I can see that a guy has a similar lifestyle to me....don't they? That's my thinking. Or am I kind of wasting my time - like do I have to shoot for the older guys because guys my age aren't into me or what? Thanks in advance.
Fondue Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Can you please elaborate on what you call "casual dating?" If you claim to be a boring person who does not involve themselves with many activities, I cannot imagine you enjoying what is typical of casual dating. It seems like you would not jive with meeting new people consistently and doing am array of things. Or am I misunderstanding something?
Author Almond_Joy Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Can you please elaborate on what you call "casual dating?" If you claim to be a boring person who does not involve themselves with many activities, I cannot imagine you enjoying what is typical of casual dating. It seems like you would not jive with meeting new people consistently and doing am array of things. Or am I misunderstanding something? Well I think this is what I'm trying to figure out. I've never done casual dating, so I don't know if my expectations are skewed or what. I don't really care whether I meet new people, but I do like to try new things. I know meeting new people would expose me to that. I see a person I'd "casually date" as an activity partner, for both me and him. We have similar interests that we can enjoy pursuing together, and we'd have someone to try new things with in each other. But neither of us would be interested in "building a life together," or having discussions along those lines. The focus would just be on us enjoying being with each other. If we end up having sex, though, I would want the guy to be monogamous..... See, all I know are long term relationships. Like I meet a guy, we fall in love, and bam! we're building a future together. I don't want that again. I just want someone to enjoy being with from time to time, without the pressure of being in a committed long term relationship. I don't know if I can find that in casual dating or not..... Does this help to clarify?
FitChick Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Go out with gay guys if you don't want sex. Date married men if you don't want anything serious to develop but want sex. Join a reading club.
Author Almond_Joy Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Go out with gay guys if you don't want sex. Date married men if you don't want anything serious to develop but want sex. Join a reading club. I'd rather not run the risk of some jaded wife drama, but thanks for the tips lol.
ptp Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Firstly, do you want a guy who has a similar personality as you? Some times opposites attract and maybe nice guy can draw you out a little more. I do think you might want to checkout slightly older men because as guys get older they usually mellow out. Why do you feel bad about contacting guys? All your doing is expressing interest that isn't a bad thing? Guys are attracted to women like you. However the conundrum I see is that those type of guys often happen to be of the shy/less confident variety. Thus they may find it hard to approach someone like you.
sally4sara Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 My best advise is to try to chat up a fella you find attractive while out doing what activities you enjoy doing with your one or two friends at a time or meet guys through your friends. At least you'll be pretty assured they enjoy doing things you like to do if they are where you are. If they end up wanting the relationship to go somewhere you don't want it isn't that big of a deal because you say you are only into casual dating at this time. If you have a few dates with a guy and discover some element you really don't want to deal with, what was lost by having a few casual dates? So it didn't lead anywhere, but isn't that what casual dating is?
Author Almond_Joy Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 Firstly, do you want a guy who has a similar personality as you? Some times opposites attract and maybe nice guy can draw you out a little more. I do think you might want to checkout slightly older men because as guys get older they usually mellow out. Why do you feel bad about contacting guys? All your doing is expressing interest that isn't a bad thing? Guys are attracted to women like you. However the conundrum I see is that those type of guys often happen to be of the shy/less confident variety. Thus they may find it hard to approach someone like you. That makes sense. I don't think it's bad contacting guys, i'm just uncomfortable with it because i'd never really done it before. It's getting easier with time though.
carhill Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I'd suggest picking an activity where you both enjoy yourself and encounter a mixed crowd and try that path for a year. Worst that could happen is you'll meet no one and have a good time with the activity and perhaps make some friends around it. You mentioned hiking. I used to cycle and belonged to the cycling club and bicycle camped. Met a lot of people that way. Got into pretty good physical shape. My exW didn't care for that kind of stuff, so I let it slip away over time, prioritizing the M and caregiving over the interests. Now the bike is dusted off and it's time to go have some more fun. That's one example. You're a bit less than half my age so, if an old fart can do it, so can you. I work at home and the only human I've seen so far this week is the guy from the power company who stopped by today to let me know which redwoods they'll be trimming next week. Pretty quiet. Go make your own noise. No one else is going to do it for you. Good luck
Author Almond_Joy Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 If they end up wanting the relationship to go somewhere you don't want it isn't that big of a deal because you say you are only into casual dating at this time. If you have a few dates with a guy and discover some element you really don't want to deal with, what was lost by having a few casual dates? So it didn't lead anywhere, but isn't that what casual dating is? Exactly. This is what i think when i hear the phrase casual dating.
Author Almond_Joy Posted August 3, 2011 Author Posted August 3, 2011 I'd suggest picking an activity where you both enjoy yourself and encounter a mixed crowd and try that path for a year. Worst that could happen is you'll meet no one and have a good time with the activity and perhaps make some friends around it. You mentioned hiking. I used to cycle and belonged to the cycling club and bicycle camped. Met a lot of people that way. Got into pretty good physical shape. My exW didn't care for that kind of stuff, so I let it slip away over time, prioritizing the M and caregiving over the interests. Now the bike is dusted off and it's time to go have some more fun. That's one example. You're a bit less than half my age so, if an old fart can do it, so can you. I work at home and the only human I've seen so far this week is the guy from the power company who stopped by today to let me know which redwoods they'll be trimming next week. Pretty quiet. Go make your own noise. No one else is going to do it for you. Good luck Lol I agree my bones aren't creaking yet. Thanks!
Fondue Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 If you want activity partners, then join some clubs or nearby events. You will certainly meet men there. meetup.com, from what I hear, is really awesome for that. Especially if you live in a populated area. Where do you live? I find it hard to believe that a woman who wants to casually date has to resort to online dating in her 20s.
carhill Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Even for a woman, it can be a function of not 'getting out'. In order to be approached, one has to be in circumstances where they are approachable. For a man, not getting out is a one-way ticket to celibacy. Trust me I know The OP sounds a lot like what I call a 'homebody'. Oh, one more suggestion, albeit not cheap or free, but one I've found productive over the years. Travel. I've met a lot of people and made a lot of friends traveling. Back when I was your age, that travel revolved around an activity I participated in, which was auto racing. Drag the race car to enough tracks and you get to know people. IMO, for someone who is otherwise a 'keep to themselves' personality, it literally becomes a 'job' of getting out there, even if initially uncomfortable. Trust me, when I dropped onto the ground in foreign countries around the world for the first time solo, it was uncomfortable, but one gets used to it and one's personality changes in the process and becomes more interesting and attractive to others. Your path will be your own, but IME it will take some excursions outside your comfort zone to achieve your goal, whether IRL or online.
Stockalone Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I see a person I'd "casually date" as an activity partner, for both me and him. We have similar interests that we can enjoy pursuing together, and we'd have someone to try new things with in each other. But neither of us would be interested in "building a life together," or having discussions along those lines. The focus would just be on us enjoying being with each other. If we end up having sex, though, I would want the guy to be monogamous..... It sounds like what you are looking for is an exclusive FWB relationship with a guy who won't mind spending time with you outside the bedroom. I can see why many men aren't interested in that. But I also think there are enough guys who are okay with that kind of arrangement. Like sally4sara suggested, you should probably just keep doing the things you enjoy and try to talk to guys you find attractive. They might want the same things you do or maybe they won't. I think in that regard, it's the same for everyone. It doesn't matter what you want (LTR, casual sex, something in between). You just have to find someone who wants the same.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I also try to be rational pretty Upon first reading this (all too quickly), I thought I'd encountered a new genre of women: "Rational-pretty"
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