Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship (we knew each other for two years prior to entering into the relationship after we met for the first time). We see each other every six weeks or so and things are going well. I am very much in love with him, but we haven't officially said 'I love you' yet. I want to do it the next time we see each other which is just in a little more than a week. But I have to say, I'm scared. I know it's usually the woman's "role" to say it first, but I really don't want him to say something like "thanks babe!" My boyfriend is very careful with his words and recently started calling me "love" or "his love", stuff like that, and I have used the same terminology. I know we're on the right track, I'm just terrified of him rejecting my "I love you" but I don't feel like I can hold it in anymore.
Author Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 I feel sad for your extremely mechanical relationship. I say I love you the minute I feel the LOVE. A premeditated ILY is not romantic or effective. Thinking so much about saying ILY implies that you are a highly insecure woman that fears rejection. Of course I fear rejection from the man I love. I think it shows how unmechanical I am and full of emotion. As for it being premeditated, I don't just arbitrarily blurt out "I love you" until I'm 100% sure that's how I feel. I think carefully about the things I say and how it affects other people, in general, it's called being considerate. For me, saying I love you isn't something I've said frequently, and while I am completely in love with him, I'm afraid of not having that returned, that makes me human. Plus, I do not want the first time I say I love you to be over the phone, I feel like it should be done in person. Everyone's different.
Casablanca Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 You should be fine...if he is calling you his love..and such..he is dropping little hints...you'll get it back, dont worry
Author Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 You should be fine...if he is calling you his love..and such..he is dropping little hints...you'll get it back, dont worry Thanks, it's just hard for me to build up that confidence to actually say the words. When I was younger it took me until I was about 12 to actually be able to tell people I love them, I used to just say 'me too'. lol
Author Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 OK, so what do you lose if you say ILY and do not get one "ILY too" back? What do you fear losing? It's not a fear of losing, it's a fear of feeling humiliated. It takes a lot of trust and confidence for me to build up the guts to say those words, and I don't want to be embarrassed because I said it and not have the feeling returned. Even though it would be great to get it off my chest and everyone feels emotion in their own time, it would be humiliating for me to say I love you and for him to not say it back and I wouldn't want him to see me feel that way and then feel pressure to say it back. I want it to be mutual.
snug.bunny Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 For the same reason a couple should not sleep together too early, is the same reason she should not say ILY first. Men generally process their emotions much slower. Saying it before he's processed his feelings and reached the same level of commitment could end an otherwise, blossoming relationship. Maybe you could ease into it, by returning the sentiments (i.e. if he asks you a random question or something, you can say "yes my love").
zengirl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It's not a fear of losing, it's a fear of feeling humiliated. It takes a lot of trust and confidence for me to build up the guts to say those words, and I don't want to be embarrassed because I said it and not have the feeling returned. Even though it would be great to get it off my chest and everyone feels emotion in their own time, it would be humiliating for me to say I love you and for him to not say it back and I wouldn't want him to see me feel that way and then feel pressure to say it back. I want it to be mutual. I think that's an extremely limiting belief, which is what Pierre was trying to point out (albeit from a different perspective and with different words than I), I think. The idea that you lose something if you love someone "more" is a common limiting belief in our society and has been for ages. Dorothy Parker recounts it and plays with the idea best ("The Lady's Reward" is a poem that still gives some great, biting dating advice today. ). Frankly, loving someone should be its own reward. Reciprocation is a bonus. It's only humiliating to you because you've decided it's humiliating. Granted, unrequited feelings --- or even significantly uneven feelings --- are always a bit awkward, on BOTH sides, but it's not something to go around fearing. Love is the opposite of fear. If you love someone, tell them. If they don't love you back, it's their loss. Really. Because loving is actually superior to being loved (loving and being loved in return is of course better), despite common fallacy. At any rate, I don't see where you have any reason or basis for your fears. He sounds like he's on the same page as you. P.S. I didn't realize it was the "girl's job" to say ILY first. Though I've heard it every which way on this one -- girl's job, guy's job. Oh, goodness. Just express what you feel and be open to whatever happens. It's the only way to love. And if ILY ever ends a relationship, it was not a relationship that was going to flourish anyway----unless the person is all crazy and saying ILY before they even KNOW each other, which is just creepy.
Author Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 For the same reason a couple should not sleep together too early, is the same reason she should not say ILY first. Men generally process their emotions much slower. Saying it before he's processed his feelings and reached the same level of commitment could end an otherwise, blossoming relationship. Maybe you could ease into it, by returning the sentiments (i.e. if he asks you a random question or something, you can say "yes my love"). I do, and this is exactly what I'm worried about, rushing him into something. Just because I'm there doesn't mean that he is yet and that's something that I want to respect and make sure he has the space to develop those feelings. I think that's an extremely limiting belief, which is what Pierre was trying to point out (albeit from a different perspective and with different words than I), I think. The idea that you lose something if you love someone "more" is a common limiting belief in our society and has been for ages. Dorothy Parker recounts it and plays with the idea best ("The Lady's Reward" is a poem that still gives some great, biting dating advice today. ). Frankly, loving someone should be its own reward. Reciprocation is a bonus. It's only humiliating to you because you've decided it's humiliating. Granted, unrequited feelings --- or even significantly uneven feelings --- are always a bit awkward, on BOTH sides, but it's not something to go around fearing. Love is the opposite of fear. If you love someone, tell them. If they don't love you back, it's their loss. Really. Because loving is actually superior to being loved (loving and being loved in return is of course better), despite common fallacy. At any rate, I don't see where you have any reason or basis for your fears. He sounds like he's on the same page as you. P.S. I didn't realize it was the "girl's job" to say ILY first. Though I've heard it every which way on this one -- girl's job, guy's job. Oh, goodness. Just express what you feel and be open to whatever happens. It's the only way to love. And if ILY ever ends a relationship, it was not a relationship that was going to flourish anyway----unless the person is all crazy and saying ILY before they even KNOW each other, which is just creepy. It's not that I don't understand the point that you and Pierre are making, I do. However, that's not the reality I live in. Yes, it's humiliating because I've decided it's humiliating. Well guess what I deal with the consequences of my actions, I deal with my emotions. I am frequently complimented by my therapist on my EXTREMELY healthy and rational approach to relationships, which isn't something I'm going to change even if others believe I should fly off on the wings of emotion. I do feel extremely blessed for feeling the way I do about my boyfriend, and I'm enjoying these feelings, however, when I express them, I don't want it to be in a way that adds more pressure to my relationship. I'm in a long distance relationship which certainly has it's own sets of challenges and pressures and that needs to be taken into consideration here, at least it weighs heavily on my mind. On top of the other things that are going on in my relationship is more prudent to share my emotions now or wait until a little later. I don't feel like there's any harm in waiting to say I love you when you feel it. If it's a feeling not shared by both it's ok to embrace how I feel without putting the pressure on my partner. To some, maybe this is "mechanical" to me it's not, it's keeping my heart above my head but my feet on the ground. I have no idea where the woman saying I love you first crap came from, I think it's BS, but whatever lol. For all I know he's waiting to tell me when we see each other again too.
zengirl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 It's not that I don't understand the point that you and Pierre are making, I do. However, that's not the reality I live in. Yes, it's humiliating because I've decided it's humiliating. Well guess what I deal with the consequences of my actions, I deal with my emotions. So long as you realize that you're the one who created the cage. I understand what you're saying. There are some realities I cannot uncreate for myself either; we all have limiting beliefs. Being aware of them is mostly all I ask of people. And yes LDRs suck. It sounds to me like you'll be fine, but no one really knows what he'll say. Uncertainty is the nature of the Universe.
Author Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 So long as you realize that you're the one who created the cage. I understand what you're saying. There are some realities I cannot uncreate for myself either; we all have limiting beliefs. Being aware of them is mostly all I ask of people. And yes LDRs suck. It sounds to me like you'll be fine, but no one really knows what he'll say. Uncertainty is the nature of the Universe. Of course, the feeling of humiliation which I'm afraid of and then him seeing that and putting undue pressure on him all comes from how I feel about the situation, it comes from inside. Yes, I'm insecure when it comes to saying I love you. Sorry, but to me saying those words is an extremely big deal and it's not something I say on a whim or without giving it thought. I think I'll be fine, was just looking for a little reassurance before I take the plunge.
KR10N Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 "I love you" should only be said if one feels it. If you tell him you love him & he says, "thanks babe!" he may not be ready to say it. Don't be discouraged. Besides, don't actions speak louder than words?
torn_curtain Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I feel sad for your extremely mechanical relationship. I say I love you the minute I feel the LOVE. A premeditated ILY is not romantic or effective. Thinking so much about saying ILY implies that you are a highly insecure woman that fears rejection. I kind of agree with this but I can also understand where the OP is coming from because I remember having those fears at one time. My advice. I think people treat ILY with way too much gravity in our culture. I would just say it.
torn_curtain Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Very good post. Furthermore, it sounds like the poster has conditional love rather than unconditional love. Lets assume you don't want to say ILY too soon because then these words may stop him from loving you. What the heck is that? How does that work? I certainly would not welcome love so fragile and conditional. Romantic love is never unconditional. Only love between a parent and child truly, truly is. This mistaken belief causes a lot of conflict in relationships because people will try to test their partners's boundaries and except them to accept poor behavior.
snug.bunny Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 Very good post. Furthermore, it sounds like the poster has conditional love rather than unconditional love. Showing reservation, because she doesn't want to put pressure on him or the relationship, is completely different.
DoS Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I am a guy, and I first suspected that I was in love. I was considering it for a week or so, without saying anything until I was sure. Then one night she was sad about something and we were both a little drunk and it just snuck out. And at that moment I didn't care what was said next, I felt so much better. And yes, she did reciprocate, but my point is that you should tell him if you're sure. You'll feel great.
Author Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 Very good post. Furthermore, it sounds like the poster has conditional love rather than unconditional love. Audrinna If you truly love him say it and don't expect anything in return. True love expects nothing in return. Furthermore, in the long run LOVE is a verb rather than a feeling. The feeling of love is a brain chemical reaction designed to perpetuate the species. SO lets assume he does not love you. So be it! Better to know now than later. Lets assume you don't want to say ILY too soon because then these words may stop him from loving you. What the heck is that? How does that work? I certainly would not welcome love so fragile and conditional. You are really passing judgment on me. I am not conditionally in love with my boyfriend, as a matter of fact, my LOVE for him isn't what this thread is about at all, it's about SAYING I love you. Furthermore, you're putting words in my mouth, I'm not saying that I'm nervous about this at all because it'll stop him from loving me. I'm saying that I'll feel humiliated if I say I love you and he doesn't say it back. That doesn't reflect the conditions of my love, or mean that I will stop loving him, or prevent him from loving me, it simply means that I'll feel humiliated, you know, a more extreme form of embarrassment, where your pride is damaged. I'm FINE with him not being in love with me yet if that's where he is at this point in our relationship. We've both talked that we feel as though we will get married in the future, and that our relationship will work out, right now we're just getting started. I just don't want to say I love you and have my pride wounded. For YOU that may not be a big deal, that's YOU, I am ME. If you see my love as conditional because of all this, so be it, it's obvious that we just aren't on the same page. I don't let me emotions pull me through life, I take others feelings and emotions into consideration, especially my boyfriends and I'm much more shy, timid and slow going when it comes to relationships. That's just how I am. You don't have to like it, obviously we wouldn't be compatible, but please, stop attacking my emotions for my boyfriend and putting words in my mouth.
Author Audrina Posted August 1, 2011 Author Posted August 1, 2011 I was trying to give you feed back and I recognize I used words that are a bit strong. So I apologize!!!!!! I always appreciate feedback and I don't mind dissenting opinions, I just don't like being told what I feel when really strangers on the internet have no idea. Understandable, yes? No worries, just trying to articulate my points and feelings. I'm a strong person with strong opinions, I do appreciate the point you're trying to make, and don't think it's lost on me because it's not.
OliveOyl Posted August 1, 2011 Posted August 1, 2011 I understand from both sides here. One other thing I'd like to add. ILY actually means more than "I love you" in a relationship. At least it does to me. Along with those three words are an implied commitment. An increasing depth to the relationship. When ILY has been said or exchanged (especially mutually exchanged) the relationship often starts shifting to another level because of the increased level of commitment.
Author Audrina Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 I understand from both sides here. One other thing I'd like to add. ILY actually means more than "I love you" in a relationship. At least it does to me. Along with those three words are an implied commitment. An increasing depth to the relationship. When ILY has been said or exchanged (especially mutually exchanged) the relationship often starts shifting to another level because of the increased level of commitment. For me, saying I love you isn't something to be taken lightly nor is it something that should be said on a whim. It doesn't necessarily mean that I expect a larger commitment from the person I'm saying it to, but it does mean that I'm as committed as I'll get to the relationship. For me it means I'm serious and I want to work on continuing to improve my relationship and stick by my partner. Not saying I'm a fair weather lover, but for me saying I love you is almost synonymous with saying, I am going to be by your side through thick and thin, you can count on me to not go anywhere.
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