Audrina Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 advice, I can't help but be amused. I have a friend who is in a very unhealthy relationship and has been for almost four years. Her "boyfriend" won't commit to her and is constantly reminding her that he's not her boyfriend, but they still have sex, and well it's a huge mess. On the other hand, I'm working on building a bond, slowly and surely with the man I'm currently involved with. The other night, we got into a little fight. I wouldn't even call it that, I was upset with something that happened, and as this woman is one of my best friends, I called her to vent. She told me I shouldn't talk to him for at least 24 hours. I just said "uh huh" and kept venting, which is all I really needed to do. When he got home, we worked it out like two adults instead of playing childish games. After we worked it out I posted on Facebook about how lucky I feel to have such a wonderful boyfriend and she started telling me I was weak and what not. All my other friends basically told me I did the right thing (which I know) and I had to resist the urge to say something like "I'm glad we worked it out instead of playing childish games" I just don't understand what makes people who are in miserable relationships think you would want to act how they act in their relationship. They are miserable for a reason.
GG3 Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Because if you did what you ended up doing (which was healthier) it invalidates her and she is once again reminded that her situation is unhealthy.
Author Audrina Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Because if you did what you ended up doing (which was healthier) it invalidates her and she is once again reminded that her situation is unhealthy. Basically yes, and you know, it does make me happy. Her relationship is her choice. She chooses to be with this man and I support her in the relationship and the drama she goes through, but never would I want to emulate her relationship or her behavior in my own. She thinks that because they have been 'together' for so many years, they are successful. But he's cheated on her, propositioned ME for sex behind her back,and is probably cheating on her right now, which she has proof of but refuses to believe what is before her eyes. I feel bad for her, but like I said, it's her choice, and what I'm doing and the way my boyfriend and I go about things is much healthier. Relationships aren't a competition, but sometimes I wish she'd see that my relationship is just so much healthier and get a clue to her unhealthy behavior.
NursingGirl Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Because if you did what you ended up doing (which was healthier) it invalidates her and she is once again reminded that her situation is unhealthy. ***********Exactly.
tigressA Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 I'm not saying the advice she gave you or the way she acted after you resolved things with your BF was good at all (it was horrid), but there are many people in unhealthy relationships who are still capable of giving good, helpful advice. They just have trouble practicing what they preach, therefore they are miserable.
NursingGirl Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Relationships aren't a competition, but sometimes I wish she'd see that my relationship is just so much healthier and get a clue to her unhealthy behavior. We all behave in relationships in a way that reflects our experience and our perception. I don't think there's much of a point in comparing since we base our behavior on these aspects.
mo mo Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 My best friend is a wanna be Pick Up Artist and he's always telling ME what I need to do to get more women. Nevermind the fact that he has many many many more failures than successes with women, and that women often try to kick it to me much more often than they do to him.. I don't see why he thinks I need his advice. Last week we had a disagreement over something and this week he admitted he was full of crap because of the fact I pointed out that his theory did not match his experiences and successes at all.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 mo mo & Tigress - you are confusing me terribly! OP - I think the continued popularity of LS hinges greatly on that very thing ... people in unhealthy relationships giving relationship advice. In a lot of cases. Not all.
Author Audrina Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 I'm not saying the advice she gave you or the way she acted after you resolved things with your BF was good at all (it was horrid), but there are many people in unhealthy relationships who are still capable of giving good, helpful advice. They just have trouble practicing what they preach, therefore they are miserable. I totally agree. However, she's not one of those people.
RealPlastic Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Pretty crazy how all relationships are diffrent, right?
Author Audrina Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 My best friend is a wanna be Pick Up Artist and he's always telling ME what I need to do to get more women. Nevermind the fact that he has many many many more failures than successes with women, and that women often try to kick it to me much more often than they do to him.. I don't see why he thinks I need his advice. Last week we had a disagreement over something and this week he admitted he was full of crap because of the fact I pointed out that his theory did not match his experiences and successes at all. You know, the sad thing to me about her relationship is that she acts like she's happy until something happens (weekly). I really did feel like telling her the other day "Look, ____________, I'm not asking for your advice, I'm just venting. While I appreciate the feedback, my relationship is not yours nor do I want it to be like yours so I'm going to do what I feel is right. When I want your advice, I'll ask for it." I know we'd have an a disagreement over this and I'd rather not make waves, so I just let her tell me what she thinks and then do what I know is best in my heart. I just don't know how to tell her nicely - your experiences in your relationship and your relationship as a whole is nothing I want to emulate. She wants you to be miserable with her. Sadly, this is true too. I know that part of her issue is that she is really threatened by my relationship and she's worried my boyfriend is going to "take me away from her" (through marriage). I've tried reminding her that just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean that I'm not her friend anymore, we still hang out all the time. I know she has abandonment issues and I try to keep that in mind when dealing with her and my relationship, but I'm not going to let her drag me down with her. If she wants to be in an unhealthy relationship because she's afraid of being alone, that's her choice, but I was alone for a very long time waiting for the right man and now that I found a keeper, I'm holding on with all I have. I'm not going to be her roommate if she ends up alone and a crazy cat lady. Pretty crazy how all relationships are diffrent, right? At the end of the day, it's what I love about relationships. Like I said, while I know her relationship is unhealthy, she gets something from it which has kept her hanging on for almost four years and I do support her in her relationship. She frequently says there are parts of my relationship that she couldn't get paid to put up with, but I feel the same way about hers. I learn from her relationship, just like I can only hope she's learning from mine. Just like I've learned from all the relationships of my past and those who I choose to surround myself with.
make me believe Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Her relationship is her choice. She chooses to be with this man and I support her in the relationship and the drama she goes through, but never would I want to emulate her relationship or her behavior in my own. She thinks that because they have been 'together' for so many years, they are successful. But he's cheated on her, propositioned ME for sex behind her back,and is probably cheating on her right now, which she has proof of but refuses to believe what is before her eyes. I feel bad for her, but like I said, it's her choice, and what I'm doing and the way my boyfriend and I go about things is much healthier. Relationships aren't a competition, but sometimes I wish she'd see that my relationship is just so much healthier and get a clue to her unhealthy behavior. Do we have the same friend??! lol. My best friend is in a relationship of six years that is just like what you described and she does the same thing to me. I know it's because she wants to feel like her relationship is normal and that all couples go through the same sh*t her boyfriend puts her through, but sometimes it gets really annoying. Her favorite thing to do is to claim that ALL guys do ____ (the most recent crappy thing her bf has done to her). I constantly tell her that no, not all guys do that.... some people wouldn't put up with that crap. But she insists that every guy is the same and that they are all basically dicks. It's sad. It's what she needs to tell herself in order to stay in her relationship (because she is too afraid of being alone), but she could do SO much better.
Author Audrina Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Do we have the same friend??! lol. My best friend is in a relationship of six years that is just like what you described and she does the same thing to me. I know it's because she wants to feel like her relationship is normal and that all couples go through the same sh*t her boyfriend puts her through, but sometimes it gets really annoying. Her favorite thing to do is to claim that ALL guys do ____ (the most recent crappy thing her bf has done to her). I constantly tell her that no, not all guys do that.... some people wouldn't put up with that crap. But she insists that every guy is the same and that they are all basically dicks. It's sad. It's what she needs to tell herself in order to stay in her relationship (because she is too afraid of being alone), but she could do SO much better. Sounds like they are pretty similar. It's sad to me too because I think she deserves to be in a relationship with a man who really loves her and treats her amazingly well. They are out there, and it's worth being alone until you find the keepers. My friend usually says "well we've been together for 3.5 years", I'm just too nice to point out that for more than half of that time, her and her "boyfriend" have been fighting. I know she's afraid that if she lets go she'll never find ANYONE but that's not how it would be, she just has to try a little, but forth the effort and make herself available. What else is sad to me is that these are supposed to be some of the best years of her life, most of our friends are starting to settle down and get married, and I know she wants the same, but I also know her current boyfriend won't give her this life - how do I know? Because he's told her so, in front of me. I want her to experience REAL, happy love, not just some communication from someone who tolerates her but she closes herself off to other opportunities because of him.
daphne Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Is she one of those that thinks that fireworks and roller coasters are true lurve and you are slower to attach and are looking for something real? If so, I had a friend like that until recently. She had a lot of advice, but no men who would stick around. The last one dumped her and called her a psycho. He was a piece of work himself, but I think she wanted him because he was as dysfunctional as she is. Yet, she always had a critical word to say about my more even keeled and cautious approach to dating. It makes me chuckle thinking about it now. Some of my exes pester me and won't go away. She can't get one to stick around. Coincidence?
Woggle Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 You should watch out for these women who always seem to want to sabotage happy relationships. They just can't stand to see a woman happy with a man for whatever reason and will try to destroy it. They fashion themselves to experts on relationships but somehow never seem to apply it to real life.
Author Audrina Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Is she one of those that thinks that fireworks and roller coasters are true lurve and you are slower to attach and are looking for something real? If so, I had a friend like that until recently. She had a lot of advice, but no men who would stick around. The last one dumped her and called her a psycho. He was a piece of work himself, but I think she wanted him because he was as dysfunctional as she is. Yet, she always had a critical word to say about my more even keeled and cautious approach to dating. It makes me chuckle thinking about it now. Some of my exes pester me and won't go away. She can't get one to stick around. Coincidence? I wouldn't say that I'm slower to attach than she is, but I am looking for the real thing and I certainly am not rushing into any relationships unless I believe the man is worth my time. I don't know what she thinks love is, but for her, I'd say she equates love with obsession. She's very different than I am in the dating world and that's fine, but like your situation, I've heard her boyfriend tell her she's an absolute crazy person (I don't disagree) but I haven't had anyone say that to me, I've remained friends with some of my exes and have had long, meaningful relationships, unlike her, she's just had the one. You should watch out for these women who always seem to want to sabotage happy relationships. They just can't stand to see a woman happy with a man for whatever reason and will try to destroy it. They fashion themselves to experts on relationships but somehow never seem to apply it to real life. I'm not going to let her sabotage mine. She tries to call a million times when she knows my boyfriend and I have designated time together, but I don't answer. When she gets mad I tell her I'm sorry but she knew I wasn't available during that time and that's that. She's insistent on meeting my boyfriend (we're in a LDR) and I have repeatedly said no, right now we are still spending time building our relationship and I'm not ready to introduce her to the picture, and I'm not sure what she'll say to him. It bothers her that it's not important that they meet but he shares my few of her, and is less likely to hold his tongue around her especially because HER boyfriend hits on HIS girlfriend (me).
mo mo Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 You may have to make a tough decision and stop talking to her. I know it is very hard-- it's something I have to consider doing myself. I have a friend I have known for over 10 years and at this point we are polar opposites. I try to motivate him and give him positive reinforcement but he keeps going down the wrong path in life, and it is really beginning to frustrate me. That negative energy is very unhealthy.
Author Audrina Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 You may have to make a tough decision and stop talking to her. I know it is very hard-- it's something I have to consider doing myself. I have a friend I have known for over 10 years and at this point we are polar opposites. I try to motivate him and give him positive reinforcement but he keeps going down the wrong path in life, and it is really beginning to frustrate me. That negative energy is very unhealthy. I'll cross that bridge if I get to it.
blueskyday Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Just consider the source, then turn it around and ask her if she wishes she would do the very thing she is asking you to do. People project, especially when they feel powerless. If she can't speak up, she will insist that YOU do! It's like she can see it happen in some fashion. Either that, or she's simply controlling. To which you can say, "Thanks for your advice." Then discard it. Advice is a gift and you can do whatever you want with it. Just keep following your own internal compass. I've dated guys who like drama queens. I've been a drama queen to get their attention. Hated that! Be glad you are in a real, mutual relationship where you can talk to your partner. That's the way it should be.
GorillaTheater Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 mo mo & Tigress - you are confusing me terribly! OP - I think the continued popularity of LS hinges greatly on that very thing ... people in unhealthy relationships giving relationship advice. In a lot of cases. Not all. I see someone else spotted the irony.
grkBoy Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I just don't understand what makes people who are in miserable relationships think you would want to act how they act in their relationship. They are miserable for a reason. I like to watch the sitcom 30 Rock, and in the show there is this shallow blonde airhead named Jenna. She can't maintain any real relationship and seems to love paparazzi drama over anything. It's funny when she gives advice to other characters because it's usually the total opposite of what one should actually do. She'll say to play games, have drama, never let your SO see you without makeup and heels, etc. I've gotten advice in the past too like you talk about. Women who chronically chase jerks, get hurt, cheated on, tossed away, etc...and yet they seemingly try to advise me on my love life. Usually it's advice on how to become the very men who continually hurt them. Just smile and nod...move on.
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