Audrina Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 I love my boyfriend very much and we are currently engaged in a long distance relationship. We see each other every month or so, but that's not the question at hand. The short story is that last night my boyfriend had a small issue over him saying he'd be in contact with me by a certain time, and then not doing it. I initiated contact, and then when he responded I told him he had let me down, blah blah blah. Because we are in a long distance relationship communication is really important, and when he does this to me on a semi-regular (but certainly not regular) basis it makes me insecure. End of story, last night he came home and apologized, he kept saying: "I'm sorry I ****ed up, I'm sorry I keep ****ing up" and I told him I didn't need an apology, I didn't think he was ****ing up, I just wanted him to understand why I was upset. I explained to him explicitly how his actions affected me and gave him a solution to the problem. But all he kept doing is saying how he felt so bad. Now, I get it, he felt bad, but I kept trying to explain to him that I wasn't mad, I was just let down and why, so he could change this in the future. I feel like the women he was with before had him caught in this way that he either couldn't do anything right, or should just apologize and shut up when they were mad at him. I'm not that kind of woman. I'd rather communicate about the issues, so he (and if he's mad at me, so I) understand what was done wrong, how it affected the other person and how to change in the future. How do I reverse his mentality so he realizes I'm not being mean to him and I'm not even mad at him, I just need him to act a certain way when it comes to our relationship so I don't get insecure. For example: I would genuinely be happier if he said to me: "I'll talk to you later tonight" instead of "I'll talk to you by 8pm your time" and then have him not be around at 8pm. I don't want him to apologize so much or feel bad, I'm just telling him explictly what I need from him for our relationship to work. How do I get him out of the mentality of he's been a bad man and just needs to apologize so he HEARS what I'm saying and realizes I'm trying to build a healthy relationship - not cut him down.
oaks Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 How do I reverse his mentality so he realizes I'm not being mean to him and I'm not even mad at him, I just need him to act a certain way when it comes to our relationship so I don't get insecure. For example: I would genuinely be happier if he said to me: "I'll talk to you later tonight" instead of "I'll talk to you by 8pm your time" and then have him not be around at 8pm. Ok, so you've explained (to him) what he's doing and that you don't like it. That's fine. The next step is positive re-inforcement when he gets it right. This is actually harder for you, because you have to remember to go out of your way to thank him for calling on time. Also, when he says "I'll call you by 8pm" you could ask for clarification - "are you sure you'll be able to? or do you just mean you'll call during the evening?" - and see what he says (and does).
Author Audrina Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Ok, so you've explained (to him) what he's doing and that you don't like it. That's fine. The next step is positive re-inforcement when he gets it right. This is actually harder for you, because you have to remember to go out of your way to thank him for calling on time. Also, when he says "I'll call you by 8pm" you could ask for clarification - "are you sure you'll be able to? or do you just mean you'll call during the evening?" - and see what he says (and does). I definitely do this, all the time. When he gets it right I tell him how much I appreciate it, or when he does something unexpected how much I appreciate that and how happy it makes me. I've also tried asking him "are you sure you can do that" and he gets all butthurt about it. Even after our discussion last night, he said he'll definitely talk to me at a certain point tonight, and we'll see if it happens. If it does I'll be sure to thank him for waiting for me before he went to go hang out with his friends and remind him how much I enjoy talking to him if even just for a few minutes. Last night I even suggested, just going off the calling at 8pm thing, that he set a reminder in his phone at 7:55pm. If he CAN'T CALL ME because he's too busy with his friends that's fine, I told him just shoot me a text that says: "sorry babe, really busy right now but we'll talk when I get home." I'm so easy going, these are things that I don't want to get upset about, I explained to him how even though these incidents are minor when they pile up I feel really forgotten and that hurts me. The sad thing is, we've had this conversation time after time, I hope he gets it. Because as much as I hate to say it, feeling forgotten and like you don't matter and distance, don't mix well.
grkBoy Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Audrina, all you can do is be honest and detailed with him. Even put your foot down when he starts wallowing. "Hey! Stop! Enough with the pity party. I don't need apologies or groveling. I just need you to stand by your word. Plain and simple. You say you will call me at 8, then do it. I'm the one sitting by the phone excited to hear from you, and it disappoints me when it hits 8:30 or 9 and I don't hear from you. You don't even need to set exact times. Say you're going to call me tonight, and then do it. I'll watch a movie, have my phone on, do work, etc...but I'll be there when you call. This doesn't have to be hard or work...just please stop saying specific times if you know you can't live up to it."
Author Audrina Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 I literally said almost those exact words! And I hope that this time he gets it. I told him, I don't need you to say you're sorry or you ****ed up, I'm just asking you to do this for our relationship and have no problems if you do it xyz way. So far so good, then again it's only been two days But I did tell him I wasn't saying this to make him feel bad I was just EXPLICITLY and clearly telling him what I needed from him regarding this.
grkBoy Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I literally said almost those exact words! And I hope that this time he gets it. I told him, I don't need you to say you're sorry or you ****ed up, I'm just asking you to do this for our relationship and have no problems if you do it xyz way. So far so good, then again it's only been two days But I did tell him I wasn't saying this to make him feel bad I was just EXPLICITLY and clearly telling him what I needed from him regarding this. I say then you hold him to it...and "punish" him when he messes up. Could end up being lots of kinky fun.
blueskyday Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Simply tell him you like a man who keeps his word, and will let you know when he can't, as in texting you when he can't call until later. It's a matter of respect and makes you feel like you can trust him more and more. You feel happy when he treats you like that. And it makes you very horny when he keeps his word. And you think he's sexy when he does it...make a little joke to lighten it up. Then, if he messes up, don't be around when he finally does call. When he gets mad, you can renegotiate, as in "Oh, you like it when you can count on me to be there? Me, too, sweetie, but I can't be monitoring my phone every minute in case you call, I'd rather know I'm getting a good night call when you say you are going to call, then I can make sure to be make time...let's talk about it..." Always pull the mutual rule you BOTH want to follow. Keep it reciprocal. And tell him what his calling at the appointed time MEANS to you, how you interpret it. That's what's really important to you, ie, it's about respect or that you are thinking of me...
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