Want to share this great conversation I had with a married couple this past weekend

[Teknoe]

They gave me some great pearls of wisdom, and I want to pass those along.

 

Like many of you, I'm currently single, and for the longest time having a girlfriend (who could one day transition into being my wife) was high on the priority list. #1, in fact. For years I struggled with being single, being lonely. All I wanted was affection from the opposite sex. Just from one special lady.

 

I've struggled with the friend zone. I've struggled with when is it too fast, and when it is too slow.

 

I'm not there yet, but I think I'm getting there. My conversation with the married couple (who knows me fairly well) made me feel more at peace.

 

They said:

 

"Don't be too anxious or worry about finding that special someone. Like it was for us, when you meet her, and you guys start to get to know one another, something will naturally click. Like a cosmic force that you can't screw up .... because that person was meant for you, and you were meant for that person. One thing I'll tell you is that they will GET YOU. Whether you ask them out right away or you're friends with them for a year or two, they will understand you in a way no one else does. For example, I always wanted people to think of me as a teddy bear. But everyone said I'm such a tomboy. When I met Jake, he later told me one day I remind him so much of a teddy bear. It warmed my heart. He GOT ME -- he knew AND saw me in that special way no one else but God knows. So here is my encouragement to you. It only takes one to see that special side of you that is 100% you, that no one else can quite grasp. And when you find her, you will know."

 

 

Honestly, it was the greatest bit of relationship advice I've ever received. It put me at ease and renewed my hope.

 

We all have something special about ourselves. Sure, some of us need extra refining (which is why self-improvement is important -- don't just halt life and sit around waiting for her or him to come along!) but we all have something special inside us.

 

Our future spouse will be the one who recognizes that special something, that special quirk, and love/support us through and through.

 

So be encouraged. Forget about friend zones and icebreakers and all that. I think in the end it's all just nonsense (relatively) that puts us into over analyzation mode (paralysis by analysis). CHILL, work on becoming a better, more complete single person, and things will work themselves out in their own perfect timing. Not our timing, but their perfect timing. I hope this thread will encourage at least one person to be more positive about the future, as well as right now TODAY. Cheers

[Dblock10]

yeah sounds about right, a bit mushy though. look at divorce rates lol.

 

anyway, my mates dad has been around in his youth to say the least, and he even said to me "mate, when the right girl comes along, you will know. your just know.

[Cracker Jack]

That's nice advice.

 

I really do need a life outside of thinking about women. It's too high on my priority list, but it's hard not to be that way when you've never been in a relationship.

[lemonlegs]

I think that's absolutely right... if the feelings are mutual.

 

The problem is, one person may "get and love" their partner, but that doesn't mean that the other partner "gets and loves" the other in the same way.... if that makes sense.

 

My ex was amazing and never stopped complimenting me on my outer and inner self and apparently he understood and loved everything about me. However, though I do love him, I'm confused as to whether I love everything that I know and understand about him. Sigh..

[Teknoe]

I think that's absolutely right... if the feelings are mutual.

 

The problem is, one person may "get and love" their partner, but that doesn't mean that the other partner "gets and loves" the other in the same way.... if that makes sense.

 

 

Totally. That's when you have an unrequited crush.

 

But the one is the one who gets and love you, and you them. That's why you guys were made for each other.

 

Dblock, right on. I think your pop is right.

 

CrackerJack, best way to not obsess over girls/having a relationship is keeping busy. Do productive things with your time. Nothing like idleness to keep one repeating the same death traps over and over again.

[StoneCold]

They said:

 

"Don't be too anxious or worry about finding that special someone. Like it was for us, when you meet her, and you guys start to get to know one another, something will naturally click. Like a cosmic force that you can't screw up .... because that person was meant for you, and you were meant for that person. One thing I'll tell you is that they will GET YOU. Whether you ask them out right away or you're friends with them for a year or two, they will understand you in a way no one else does. For example, I always wanted people to think of me as a teddy bear. But everyone said I'm such a tomboy. When I met Jake, he later told me one day I remind him so much of a teddy bear. It warmed my heart. He GOT ME -- he knew AND saw me in that special way no one else but God knows. So here is my encouragement to you. It only takes one to see that special side of you that is 100% you, that no one else can quite grasp. And when you find her, you will know."

 

 

 

....until you both change and you no longer GET eachother anymore...

 

Not trying to be a wet blanket...nor am I telling you not to try to pursue a relationship with another..... but I've seen this happen so many times I think it would be prudent to mention and bear in mind.

[verhrzn]

I don't get how a person can "know it's the right person" when they've been platonic friends for any length of time. How does that work?

 

If I meet a guy, and I'm interested in him, but he only sees me as a friend, I lose his number. Cause really, what's the point? There is a very high likelihood he is never going to see me that way, and by hanging out with him, all I'm courting is heartache and rejection.

 

I also have yet to turn around and be attracted to a guy friend, and that's after years of having guys as friends. Personally speaking, once a guy is friend-zoned, he absolutely never comes out, and I have only succeeded in turning one crush into a friend. (And thank God I did, what a flustercluck of a drama that was beforehand.)

[Fondue]

Every married person (man) I ever met, young and old, tell me the same exact thing: Never get married.

 

I plan to stick to that.

[RepairMinded]

The best way to "get a girlfriend" (who may or may not develop into wifey material) is to 1) keep your standards high for yourself and others, including the women you meet; 2) enjoy life; 3) don't put any woman you meet "on a pedestal"; 4) force yourself to be very social and never turn down an opportunity to be social.

 

Almost every guy who seems to have a lot of trouble getting a girlfriend tends to have negative psychological thoughts and is socially withdrawn. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You become too wrapped up in yourself.

 

Now get off the internet and get out there and meet some girls.

[vsmini]

....until you both change and you no longer GET eachother anymore...

 

Not trying to be a wet blanket...nor am I telling you not to try to pursue a relationship with another..... but I've seen this happen so many times I think it would be prudent to mention and bear in mind.

 

I have to agree - I also hate to be the wet blanket but this sounds like some really BS advice. I'm not a cynic - I think love is possible but the teddy bear example was terrible. I think there is a lot more to it than that.

 

"I always thought of myself as X and nobody else did, then I met him and he also said I was X."

 

That might get a few months of dating out of someone but I fail to see how that sets someone up for marriage, lifetime commitment and kids.

 

And that you just know stuff is, for the most part, luck of the draw.

[Teknoe]

I have to agree - I also hate to be the wet blanket but this sounds like some really BS advice. I'm not a cynic - I think love is possible but the teddy bear example was terrible. I think there is a lot more to it than that.

 

"I always thought of myself as X and nobody else did, then I met him and he also said I was X."

 

That might get a few months of dating out of someone but I fail to see how that sets someone up for marriage, lifetime commitment and kids.

 

And that you just know stuff is, for the most part, luck of the draw.

 

 

Well some more background info. This couple has been married 10 years, and lost their 8 year old son to cancer. It's a sad story, but their faith and acceptance of that has been nothing short of awe-inspiring. They still love each other, still love to help others out (like me) and they are well respected in our small-knit community.

 

In short, they share the same high values and morals. They are right for each other, prepared for the long term commitment that is marriage and yes I know, their story is not too common these days. But I like to think it'll be my own story one day. And it can be yours too.

[grkBoy]

Teknoe (love the name), your friends are on the money with it, even though I don't believe in soulmates or fate/destiny.

 

The big agreement point is in how men and women can't make "finding someone" a massive priority in their lives. Every person I see doing that never seems to find love and happiness.

 

I used to be hardcore. Was consumed with trying to find Ms Right, and ended up burned/disappointed many times. Finally, I got fed up with feeling terrible and fed up with how dating became a negative experience for me.

 

I just quit and made my life about me. I laid out things I wanted to do in my life on the notion that I never find someone, and I started doing them. Travel, career growth, cultural exploration, hobbies, etc.

 

Then a friend's girlfriend wanted me to meet her single coworker. I decided to. Three years after the fact I'm going to "put a ring on it" next week.

 

Some can say I was "playing hard to get" or "acting uninterested" to get the girl, but that's bull. My GF liked me from the start because I was interesting, had a life, did interesting things, and was loose and confident. Even when I started dating her I didn't get all "into it" right off the bat. I maintained a safe relaxed distance simply because I was expecting her to "flip out" or "flake on me" like the other girls do. She never did, and showed me she had a heart and was a keeper.

 

This is the same for all the single men and women who have constant trouble. Just back-burner love and dating and just enjoy life. Build a life, have a life, be interesting for your own sake and discover yourself.

 

I treat my RL and love as an "added bonus" to my life, but not my life. If my GF were to flip out on me or get all flaky, I have the strength now to walk away if I see it's a bad thing. Everyone needs to be this way. It's how you get past the BS and find the right person amongst all the damaged people.

[Stung]

Every married person (man) I ever met, young and old, tell me the same exact thing: Never get married.

 

I plan to stick to that.

 

I suspect you will doubt the veracity of my input, seeing as it comes through the filter of a woman, but I'll just spit it out anyway...sure, I've heard the "never get married" advice, from both men and women, mired in bitterness. There are others whom I suspect would say something like that, privately. But I can assure you--and I'm very sound in this--that my father (married over forty years), my husband, two of my male cousins (both married over twenty years), two of my brother-in-laws and several of my closer male friends would have something very, very different to say about marriage, and that they would do it again, even if not exactly the same way.

 

Sorry that your own circle appears to have such negative experiences.

[Teknoe]

Teknoe (love the name), your friends are on the money with it, even though I don't believe in soulmates or fate/destiny.

 

The big agreement point is in how men and women can't make "finding someone" a massive priority in their lives. Every person I see doing that never seems to find love and happiness.

 

I used to be hardcore. Was consumed with trying to find Ms Right, and ended up burned/disappointed many times. Finally, I got fed up with feeling terrible and fed up with how dating became a negative experience for me.

 

I just quit and made my life about me. I laid out things I wanted to do in my life on the notion that I never find someone, and I started doing them. Travel, career growth, cultural exploration, hobbies, etc.

 

Then a friend's girlfriend wanted me to meet her single coworker. I decided to. Three years after the fact I'm going to "put a ring on it" next week.

 

Some can say I was "playing hard to get" or "acting uninterested" to get the girl, but that's bull. My GF liked me from the start because I was interesting, had a life, did interesting things, and was loose and confident. Even when I started dating her I didn't get all "into it" right off the bat. I maintained a safe relaxed distance simply because I was expecting her to "flip out" or "flake on me" like the other girls do. She never did, and showed me she had a heart and was a keeper.

 

This is the same for all the single men and women who have constant trouble. Just back-burner love and dating and just enjoy life. Build a life, have a life, be interesting for your own sake and discover yourself.

 

I treat my RL and love as an "added bonus" to my life, but not my life. If my GF were to flip out on me or get all flaky, I have the strength now to walk away if I see it's a bad thing. Everyone needs to be this way. It's how you get past the BS and find the right person amongst all the damaged people.

 

 

+1111111111111!!!!!!

 

Amen brother. Such truth spoken in that post. I admittedly still have my struggles with making "finding the one" my ultimate life goal. I'm currently working on breaking that destructive thought life/pattern. I see so many others here (like SomeDude81 for instance) who just refuse to see this, and all they do is complain about their lot in life. It saddens me when I see this, and I'm trying to get to where you are.

 

Ironic... I had lunch with a friend not 2 hours ago and one of the topics was about THIS! He asked me "what do you really have to offer? A tender heart, companionship, a sense of humor. Anything else?"

 

It's not as simple as I like you, you like me, we're good to go. Most women are looking for a MAN to walk alongside of, and to be their partner/helper. You got to have a life vision that is higher than being a father/husband. You have to stand and live for something even bigger.

 

It ties back to being as complete as possible by yourself. We're all broken, but to different degrees. I think it's OK for a person to get into a relationship with a few bags of baggage. You'll never clear it down to 0. You try your best to decrease it to 1 as much as possible. But when it's clear you have like... 10 bags of baggage, that is simply not the time to obsess over girls/dating.

 

You need to be good on your own, before you can start anything of worth, substance and that it would even last the marathon of life. I wish more people here understood that.