illumine Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 First time poster, but I've been lurking for awhile I'll try to keep this concise. I met a guy online. We passed a few emails back and forth for a couple weeks and then he asked me out. We've been out once. It was one of the best dates I've had in quite sometime as far as good conversation and some really good chemistry. We both texted after that we had fun. He emails me 5 days later and asks if I'd like "to hang out again" sometime. We went one round of e-mail where I suggested some times, he responding too late to do any of those times but saying "let's hang out when you get the chance". So I wrote him a few days later (on Monday) saying I was free Friday (tonight) - is he. I heard nothing back so I thought that was that. He just wrote me today at 5pm (Friday) saying "sorry for the delay but wasn't sure if I could hang out tonight." It's because he had plans to do a multi-day climb tomorrow, but wasn't sure what the weather would do. The weather is good so he's going, and so can't go out tonight. So first I'm pissed because to me that's disrespectful to wait until 5pm the day of to respond. I mean - seriously, he couldn't have written me a few days ago to say he wasn't sure? But mostly I'm just confused. He asked me out again. He always includes questions in his e-mails, asked to see some photos of my work online, asks how I've been - things that I would not do unless I wanted to hear from someone again. But he does like lots of vague words like "sometime" and "hang out". And the time between his responses can be long (to me anyway). And tonight's e-mail asks how I've been and if I'm still busy, but doesn't suggest "hanging out" again. Do we just have different communication styles? Does he just like my attention but really have no desire to actually follow through here? Part of me wants to call him on it, part of me wants to just not write back and be over it, but most of me was just really excited to meet someone who I actually liked and wanted to go out with again - it's been awhile since that's happened. I don't want to be the only one doing the leg work. Any thoughts?
veggirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Sorry to be a negative nancy but "do you want to hang out again sometime" isn't making plans/a date. My first instinct is that he is seeing someone else, but keeping you around for when she isn't available, etc. I'd forget him. If he wanted to go on a date with you, he would schedule it. Sorry
TuffCookieX Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I agree that he's multi dating which isn't always a bad thing when it's such an early stage. You shouldn't have to be his priority but I agree that he could show more respect. He waited 5 days after the first date to get back to you again? And then waited til 5 PM Friday? I would totally call him on it -- not rudely of course. Just explain how you really value your time and you'd appreciate more advance notice.
D-Lish Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 He's a player. A guy that can't confirm plans- is a guy waiting to see if some better plans might come about. He's really only giving you crumbs- and you shouldn't accept those crumbs. ANY man that wants to be with you will make the effort- and this guy just isn't making the effort... He's keeping you on the hook while he's looking elsewhere.
Mr. Slim Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 It's too early to have very many expectations, but taking 3-4 days to respond to your email was not considerate. Since you do like him, I wouldn't blow him off but I wouldn't lift a finger to make any plans with him. If he decides to actually come up with something more concrete than hanging out, and you feel like going out that day, then give it a go.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Ignore him and treat him as a disposable asset, like he's treating you. Then just wait and see how he starts falling over himself to get some time with you.
D-Lish Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Ignore him and treat him as a disposable asset, like he's treating you. Then just wait and see how he starts falling over himself to get some time with you. Ahhhh, the old turning the tables trick:p I've done that- and it does work. I once went out on a lava life date years ago- and the guy messaged me afterward and said "I'm not sure if we're compatible"- I responded with "I feel the same way, I don't think we had chemistry"... He STILL contacts me years later:laugh:.
Author illumine Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Thanks so much everyone for your replies. As silly as it may seem it is good to hear what I was thinking repeated by all of you. I do deserve better than what this guy is doing - no matter how much I like him. Thanks all!
morethanconfused Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well, from what I read the guy has a life and he is enjoying it which is good. You don’t want someone in your life who is sitting in front of his computer the whole day and the only fun that he has is communicating with people online. Guys are different. They don’t spend their time with thinking about someone they have just met. This might happen in all the romantic Hollywood movies but real life is different. This guy is living his life and is making one step after another without thinking about it. He is still responding to your messages and he is still suggesting that you should hang out again sometimes. So yes, he is interested in you but no, he doesn’t want to jump into a relationship with you right away. He wants to have fun and maybe he is seeing some other girls too. At this stage it’s hard to say if he is worth trying. It depends on what you are expecting right now. If you can live with the fact that it will take a while until you’ll know if he might be more interested in you than just hanging out sometimes, then go for it. But if you are looking for someone who knows after only one date that you are the woman of his life then forget about him. But this would also mean good look with finding a guy like this in real life. You should do the same that he does. Live your life, have fun, date some guys and don’t sit and wait for him. But don’t play games with him like turning the tables. This is just stupid. If he suggests hanging out again then do it if you feel like it. You don’t have anything to lose. And please forget about all this “if he is really interested in you he would do this or that”. It’s not that simple. Life isn’t simple and people aren’t either. People are different. There is no rule or manual that could tell you how people really feel.
oaks Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 He emails me 5 days later He doesn't sound very interested. We went one round of e-mail where I suggested some times, he responding too late to do any of those times He doesn't sound very interested. but saying "let's hang out when you get the chance". That's not exactly a specific offer of a date, so he doesn't sound very interested. I heard nothing back He doesn't sound very interested. He just wrote me today at 5pm (Friday) saying "sorry for the delay but wasn't sure if I could hang out tonight." He doesn't sound very interested. Assuming you want to do more than just "hang out" with a cute guy, then suitable guys will make sure you know they are interested with a lot more contact than this and they will come up with more specific plans.
DuskCrush Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I think it's too early to tell. Your eager attempts to start something is backfiring and ruining his interest. Just completely leave him alone for now. Please DONT confront him on his text timing....you will just come across as way to interested....like someone over eager to be with him...Trust me that is man-repellent. Live your life and find someone else to date. He'll call you when he hasnt heard from you in a while.
zengirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well, from what I read the guy has a life and he is enjoying it which is good. You don’t want someone in your life who is sitting in front of his computer the whole day and the only fun that he has is communicating with people online. Guys are different. They don’t spend their time with thinking about someone they have just met. This might happen in all the romantic Hollywood movies but real life is different. This guy is living his life and is making one step after another without thinking about it. He is still responding to your messages and he is still suggesting that you should hang out again sometimes. So yes, he is interested in you but no, he doesn’t want to jump into a relationship with you right away. He wants to have fun and maybe he is seeing some other girls too. At this stage it’s hard to say if he is worth trying. It depends on what you are expecting right now. If you can live with the fact that it will take a while until you’ll know if he might be more interested in you than just hanging out sometimes, then go for it. But if you are looking for someone who knows after only one date that you are the woman of his life then forget about him. But this would also mean good look with finding a guy like this in real life. You should do the same that he does. Live your life, have fun, date some guys and don’t sit and wait for him. But don’t play games with him like turning the tables. This is just stupid. If he suggests hanging out again then do it if you feel like it. You don’t have anything to lose. And please forget about all this “if he is really interested in you he would do this or that”. It’s not that simple. Life isn’t simple and people aren’t either. People are different. There is no rule or manual that could tell you how people really feel. There's a vast realm between "sitting in front of the computer all day" and "Yeah, I got your message but didn't respond till the last minute because I was hoping I had better plans but didn't want to turn it down in case I didn't" (and totally admitting that!). This guy didn't miss his email. He checked it and chose not to respond to her in a polite, timely fashion. He's not interested or really all that polite.
daphne Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I strongly agree with morethanconfused in general. In addition, I think that people (well women) fail to understand or remember that until the guy gets to know them and get attached, they won't always get the behavior of a guy who's crazy about them. And if they get it right off the bat, it's not usually sincere. I would say go on with your life, if you want to see him again and he asks, give it a shot. If he waits too long tho, move on. He's not worth it. If he comes up with a plan in the next week or so, just be patient. I know I did this to a guy I was dating, because I wasn't sure what I wanted with him. This laid back attitude about seeing him changed once I started to like him and get attached. Early goings you're just sniffing each other out. No one should be in love right off the bat. That usually doesn't end well.
Author illumine Posted July 24, 2011 Author Posted July 24, 2011 It's really interesting getting the different points of view - so thanks for all the responses. For the record - I live a full life, am dating other people myself, and not sitting by the computer waiting for this one guy I went out with once to write me But like I said - I don't often meet guys that I connect with in all those ways right away - so it seemed worth throwing it out here for different points of view on our interactions so far. I do not expect him to be chasing me or to think I'm the woman for him after one date. I do, however, expect any man to be respectful, even only somewhat interested men that I've only met once. Obviously that last late response thing really turned me off. So I'm done making the effort to see him again. We'll see if I hear from him...
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