OliveOyl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 My BF's son just turned 6. He spends most of his weekends with my BF, and weekdays he lives with his mother. Because of this schedule as well as my parenting schedule, my BF and I don't get a lot of time together one-on-one. We have managed to work out a schedule where we can see each other in person once a week, but every other week it has to be with his son and/or my son. (BF hasn't met my teen daughter yet.) His son is VERY demanding and undisciplined, whiny, negative, and sucks up all the attention. I knew before I met his son that his son had possible "issues" (it's thought the son may have ODD but they are working on getting a diagnosis.) The first few times I met his son, he seemed fine and a delight, but the last few times it's been very difficult. His father (my BF) and I can't get in any word edgewise, we can't conduct any conversation at all with him around. We DO try to make things fun (go to playgrounds, water parks, pizza, etc.) so it's definitely not just boring adult stuff, at all. Anyway, the problem I am having is not so much that his son is difficult, but that I think that my BF is not setting boundaries appropriately. In my opinion, this kid needs more discipline! It is so hard for me to sit on the sideline and watch as this kid acts so bossy and disrespectful. It's not my place to interfere, I'm just the "GF." I know the son is probably feeling upset about his father having a new person in his life, etc. I get that. But I literally have to bite my tongue not to start telling the kid he needs to say "please" etc. I would probably just think it's best for me not to spend time with my BF when he has his son, I do think it's better for dating parents with kids to create their own space apart from kids until later down the line. Except that would mean I would get to see my BF once every two weeks... and that just doesn't seem enough. Thoughts?
Yookie Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I think you two are doomed relationship-wise. You have different parenting styles and he is not likely to change his to suit your way of thinking. From his point of view, he probably lets his son get away with things that he shouldn't because he feels guilty about not having him more often. He is overcompensating. At any rate, you can do the every-two-weeks thing but that's only a temporary band-aid because at some point if you guys get more serious you will have to integrate your families. This is when you will have to deal with the undisciplined son. Looking at long-term this will not end well. Sorry. Edited to add: Have you talked to your BF about his son regarding discipline?
Author OliveOyl Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I should have been more clear, I wasn't seeking info on whether the relationship will make it or not. (I operate on the idea that it will make it -- unless I hit a roadblock that seems completely impassable - and I don't think this is that kind of roadblock.) My question was more how people have dealt with the situation with similar situations when dating people with kids. I don't think the relationship is doomed mainly because I think my BF wants to parent more effectively, he just doesn't know how and feels overwhelmed much of the time. I do think post-marriage breakup guilt has something to do with it as well. I did have a talk with him last night about it. He listened to what I have to say and admitted he wanted to be more effective with his son. This is partly why he and his son's mother have taken the son to a behavioral counselor.
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