Sabian Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 So I've been talking to this gorgeous girl for a week or so now and I finally got around to asking her for her phone number. I tried to be as casual as possible about it because she's 4 years older than me and I wasn't quite sure what she thought yet. I even told her that if she doesn't want to for any reason she can just say no and I'll completely understand. She replied with: I would like to say yes, but I am exhausted and have to work early tomorrow. I will message as soon as I can. I don't like the phone but I'm open to increased communication. What exactly does that mean? Is she blowing me off and planning on just ignoring me? And what does open to increased communication, but not liking the phone mean? I didn't even ask to call her that night. I just asked if I could call her some time. I gave her plenty of options to say no. She could have easily just said she wasn't interested, but she didn't. The thing is. I saw her get online for 10 minutes or so last night and didn't send me a message. So I'm wondering if she just hates telling people no and is planning on avoiding me. What do you think?
rams10 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 she's still feelign you out but she definitely hasn't ruled you out yet. so keep trying to have nice conversation on the dating site for now, not the phone yet
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 When I used to date online, I wasn't a fan of moving to the phone too fast myself. It implies a certain progression... as in... phone, meeting, sex... usually on or before the 3rd 'date' is what most guys online think should be happening. That expectation is the main reason I don't date online anymore, to be completely honest. IMHO, She's feeling you out to see how truly interested YOU are. If you are one of those who can't manage a little internet time to flesh out compatibility and answer a few questions, then she assumes you probably just want a quick f**k. Put yourself in her shoes...
zengirl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 She could be disinterested but not so much so that she's willing to rule you out and/or never says she's not interested flat out. She could be waiting to see if someone else pans out first. She could just hate talking on the phone (I know I do) and giving men her phone # too quickly. She could be really busy right now. She could be mulling it over. There are a million could bes. From the way she phrased it, I don't think you're out of this game yet; she definitely has some interest and wanted to re-assure you of that. However, what type of person she is (attention seeking or sincere) is impossible to determine from this data.
GivenUp0083 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) This girl has something to hide. If she was REALLY into you she would love to talk on the phone. She's either dating someone else or not ready to meet (which is fine) but you didn't ask to meet, you asked for her number. Sounds a little shady to me, like she's preemptively trying to slow it down when all you did was ask to communicate more in a more convenient way. Do what you want, but my general rule from experience is: If I ask for a phone number (in real life or online) and I get a response of ANYTHING other than her phone number then I walk away. It never ends up working out if you "stay with it". She had her shot to talk to a great guy on the phone and she passed. If she really liked you she would be more worried about scaring you off by not giving you her number. She knows your on a dating site and if she thinks you're a catch then she must know that there's a good chance other girls are in communication with you. The email she sent doesn't sound anything like she has any worry about losing an opportunity with you. That's her decision, but now you need to think about your next move. I say don't contact her again, let her reach out to YOU. Or you can just respond with a short email just saying "That's fine, I can respect your decision" and leave it at that. If a week or so goes by and she says "hey, how come I haven't heard back from you?" Just say you misread her last email as uninterested. Then communicate further. Otherwise just let it go, talk to other girls. Edited July 22, 2011 by GivenUp0083
tigressA Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I agree with GivenUp--let her contact you first, and keep talking to other girls. If she snaps back like a rubber band, tell her you assumed she wasn't that interested.
Author Sabian Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Yea, you guys are right. I'm fairly new to online dating and just did what I would've done if I met this girl at a library or something. It's a bit hard to realize how she might think because as a guy, we don't get near as many messages girls do. I've never gotten a message from some older girl asking to see me naked, yet I'm sure girls get them all the time. I just replied and mentioned that I should've realized that she gets a lot of messages and that asking to call her was more out of normal offline dating habit than anything else. I reassured her that talking online was more than fine with me for as long as needed. I'm actually glad she was suspicious. The main reason I was interested in her was because she seemed incredibly intelligent. Her being hesitant shows that she's also logical and not some attention seeker out to be praised by as many men as possible. Thanks for the insight. I used to think it sucked that women got so many messages, but men didn't. Now I'm starting to think that it's actually better as a guy because at least we know when a girl messages us, she's more than likely actually interested in us instead of just being some deviant looking for a quick score.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I have only started to dip my toes into the online dating pool... but I have declined a phone conversation only because I wasn't sure yet if I was interested in the guy. This one guy made some boring conversation for 5 minutes then wanted to call me. That's not going to happen. I've only talked to one guy on the phone, and it's because we had a few excellent chats that established intellectual connection and a lot of common interests.
GivenUp0083 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I have only started to dip my toes into the online dating pool... but I have declined a phone conversation only because I wasn't sure yet if I was interested in the guy. This one guy made some boring conversation for 5 minutes then wanted to call me. That's not going to happen. I've only talked to one guy on the phone, and it's because we had a few excellent chats that established intellectual connection and a lot of common interests. If you haven't met him, how do you know you are interested in him? Isn't that why you talk on the phone and meet them? To find out? This mindset among some women has always baffled me.
Author Sabian Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 This girl has something to hide. If she was REALLY into you she would love to talk on the phone. She's either dating someone else or not ready to meet (which is fine) but you didn't ask to meet, you asked for her number. Sounds a little shady to me, like she's preemptively trying to slow it down when all you did was ask to communicate more in a more convenient way. Do what you want, but my general rule from experience is: If I ask for a phone number (in real life or online) and I get a response of ANYTHING other than her phone number then I walk away. It never ends up working out if you "stay with it". She had her shot to talk to a great guy on the phone and she passed. If she really liked you she would be more worried about scaring you off by not giving you her number. She knows your on a dating site and if she thinks you're a catch then she must know that there's a good chance other girls are in communication with you. The email she sent doesn't sound anything like she has any worry about losing an opportunity with you. That's her decision, but now you need to think about your next move. I say don't contact her again, let her reach out to YOU. Or you can just respond with a short email just saying "That's fine, I can respect your decision" and leave it at that. If a week or so goes by and she says "hey, how come I haven't heard back from you?" Just say you misread her last email as uninterested. Then communicate further. Otherwise just let it go, talk to other girls. This girl is far from ugly, so wouldn't her being cautious be just as if not more likely than something else gong on?
Author Sabian Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 If you haven't met him, how do you know you are interested in him? Isn't that why you talk on the phone and meet them? To find out? This mindset among some women has always baffled me. That was my initial thought as well. I can only come off so well through text. Sarcasm is harder to get through, the way you speak and where you put emphasis is impossible to detect, and some people may read what you right in a completely different way than you meant it. Although technically if you give your number out, even a cell number, you are probably giving your full name out. Since a lot of sites list the city you live in, finding the person wouldn't be that hard in this social media world. So I can understand the hesitation.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 If you haven't met him, how do you know you are interested in him? Isn't that why you talk on the phone and meet them? To find out? This mindset among some women has always baffled me. This guy messaged me and we were chatting on POF. He asked me BORING questions like "What do you like to do?" We had some common interests, but they were things that a lot of people like to do, like cooking, music, whatever. His responses were flat and generic. No passion. The one guy from OKCupid I talked to on the phone, on the other hand, was much more articulate and interesting with his messages. Once he discovered we are both creative people who love music and art of all kinds, we got into a great discussion about our specific creative interests. He was funny, engaging, and inquisitive. He seemed truly fascinated with me as a person, rather than just looking for any warm body.
oaks Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 What do you think? I've been there, and I think girls are weird. It could mean lots of things, but if she was really not interested in you then I think something different would've happened (like "no" or her just not responding). If you're interested, and you want to take things slower than talking on the phone just yet then keep going, but if this shows you that your dating style and her dating style aren't compatible then you can walk away. Her suggestion of "increased communication" could be an invitation to get her email address, or MSN id, or to add her on Facebook (which I generally wouldn't recommend), or to increase the frequency of whatever you're doing already. So, if you're still interested, try to figure out how else you could communicate with her and suggest that. Or, go for "how about we just meet for a drink?" I met a woman via an online dating site... and something similar happened. I nearly stopped emailing her much earlier on because I felt that I had a rule of "talk on the phone before meeting" but decided it was more of a guideline than a rule and she didn't seem too freaky. Eventually I got her number, at the end of the first date.
Author Sabian Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 This guy messaged me and we were chatting on POF. He asked me BORING questions like "What do you like to do?" We had some common interests, but they were things that a lot of people like to do, like cooking, music, whatever. His responses were flat and generic. No passion. The one guy from OKCupid I talked to on the phone, on the other hand, was much more articulate and interesting with his messages. Once he discovered we are both creative people who love music and art of all kinds, we got into a great discussion about our specific creative interests. He was funny, engaging, and inquisitive. He seemed truly fascinated with me as a person, rather than just looking for any warm body. So what happened between you two? I hear about people talking to nice interesting people through dating sites all the time, but it seems to always end with one person eventually ignoring the other.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 So what happened between you two? I hear about people talking to nice interesting people through dating sites all the time, but it seems to always end with one person eventually ignoring the other. Several issues came up during the conversation and over the next week through messages that showed me he is not boyfriend material for me. But I did enjoy our great conversations.
sm1tten Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Could mean a lot of things. I don't like talking on the phone, and I usually exchange numbers just before the first date. I don't have a particular method but it's usually emails/messages > IM > date. Some women are very private about their phone numbers. Having to block a creep earlier this year was no fun.
GivenUp0083 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 This guy messaged me and we were chatting on POF. He asked me BORING questions like "What do you like to do?" We had some common interests, but they were things that a lot of people like to do, like cooking, music, whatever. His responses were flat and generic. No passion. The one guy from OKCupid I talked to on the phone, on the other hand, was much more articulate and interesting with his messages. Once he discovered we are both creative people who love music and art of all kinds, we got into a great discussion about our specific creative interests. He was funny, engaging, and inquisitive. He seemed truly fascinated with me as a person, rather than just looking for any warm body. My last gf had "not so great" pictures of herself, she was ok in email communication, but I noticed that the two times we spoke on the phone she was very quiet and shy. Now if I were very picky and expected chemistry to be involved by the phone call stage then I would've walked away. Instead I went ahead and went out with her. Turns out she was very outgoing, very talkative, we sat at a bar for what was supposed to be "just a drink or two" and ended up talking for 6 hours until they kicked us out of the bar. If you are clearly not attracted to his photos enough to even respond or he says some effed up things in emails or something, then I understand. Even if he sounds boring...that's your call. My point is that you don't REALLY know what kind of person you are dealing with and you get a MUCH BETTER idea after you've met them. Some people don't write long elaborate emails. Some people are quiet on the phone. You never really know. I've been surprised many times when I met someone and many of those times I was surprised in a good way. So what happened between you two? I hear about people talking to nice interesting people through dating sites all the time, but it seems to always end with one person eventually ignoring the other. This has always been my pet peeve about online dating. The "not even respond to you" rejection after a few dates. I hate that. That's why I won't let myself become interested in them or get attached until I know they are much more into me. I guess with me, they'll have to show their hand first. I've shown mine first and it's always burned me. Never again
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 This girl has something to hide. If she was REALLY into you she would love to talk on the phone. She's either dating someone else or not ready to meet (which is fine) but you didn't ask to meet, you asked for her number. Sounds a little shady to me, like she's preemptively trying to slow it down when all you did was ask to communicate more in a more convenient way. Do what you want, but my general rule from experience is: If I ask for a phone number (in real life or online) and I get a response of ANYTHING other than her phone number then I walk away. It never ends up working out if you "stay with it". She had her shot to talk to a great guy on the phone and she passed. If she really liked you she would be more worried about scaring you off by not giving you her number. She knows your on a dating site and if she thinks you're a catch then she must know that there's a good chance other girls are in communication with you. The email she sent doesn't sound anything like she has any worry about losing an opportunity with you. That's her decision, but now you need to think about your next move. I say don't contact her again, let her reach out to YOU. Or you can just respond with a short email just saying "That's fine, I can respect your decision" and leave it at that. If a week or so goes by and she says "hey, how come I haven't heard back from you?" Just say you misread her last email as uninterested. Then communicate further. Otherwise just let it go, talk to other girls. I don't think there is anything wrong with preemptively trying to slow things down. The guy could be a 'catch' or not... If he's that into me, he'll wait. Ability to delay gratification is one mark of emotional intelligence. I've done it 'your way'... jumping on a so-called opportunity. Those guys turned out to be the biggest losers of all. The quicky email, phone, meeting, f**k-by-third-date-or-you-are 'out' guys. This is the only good way to weed them them out. I'm sure they have no problems finding women to buy into their attempts at fake intimacy and bogus romance... which is why they keep doing it. Good for them. Let some other woman take out the garbage. Sorry that the legitimate nice guys out there have to wait. That's how it is.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 My point is that you don't REALLY know what kind of person you are dealing with and you get a MUCH BETTER idea after you've met them. Some people don't write long elaborate emails. Some people are quiet on the phone. You never really know. I've been surprised many times when I met someone and many of those times I was surprised in a good way. Intelligence and basic social skills are requirements for me. Being able to write a coherent, interesting e-mail or chat message, and being able to have a decent conversation on the phone, are basic. If a guy can't even do that, I seriously doubt he's going to be a match for me, so why waste my time or his?
ThsAmericanLife Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 That was my initial thought as well. I can only come off so well through text. Sarcasm is harder to get through, the way you speak and where you put emphasis is impossible to detect, and some people may read what you right in a completely different way than you meant it. Although technically if you give your number out, even a cell number, you are probably giving your full name out. Since a lot of sites list the city you live in, finding the person wouldn't be that hard in this social media world. So I can understand the hesitation. Google Voice fixes this. Check it out. I agreed to call a guy once who lifted my full name off of the caller ID and did some weird stalker sh*t. Never again.
GivenUp0083 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I don't think there is anything wrong with preemptively trying to slow things down. The guy could be a 'catch' or not... If he's that into me, he'll wait. Ability to delay gratification is one mark of emotional intelligence. I've done it 'your way'... jumping on a so-called opportunity. Those guys turned out to be the biggest losers of all. The quicky email, phone, meeting, f**k-by-third-date-or-you-are 'out' guys. This is the only good way to weed them them out. I'm sure they have no problems finding women to buy into their attempts at fake intimacy and bogus romance... which is why they keep doing it. Good for them. Let some other woman take out the garbage. Sorry that the legitimate nice guys out there have to wait. That's how it is. This is a negative attitude. Why force a guy to wait when there's a good flow of communication and the flow of the "relationship building" is going at a steady pace? By changing up the pace when things are going well is sending mixed signals. Sex on the third date is a ridiculous standard, and nothing says you have to do that and I agree, in that aspect, patience is important. But in terms of communication when you haven't met: the guy barely knows you, and if you are already playing games prior or interrupting the flow of communication then he's going to get confused and he's going to pass on you for a girl that isn't giving him confusion or headaches. Best of luck to you. Intelligence and basic social skills are requirements for me. Being able to write a coherent, interesting e-mail or chat message, and being able to have a decent conversation on the phone, are basic. If a guy can't even do that, I seriously doubt he's going to be a match for me, so why waste my time or his? You're right, those are good requirements to have, but unfortunately some people are a little different, and I personally don't feel emails and phone talk are 100% accurate and evaluating intelligence and basic social skills. How many jobs have you gotten without interviewing in person? There's a reason they bring you in to meet in person most of the time (unless you absolutely screw up the phone interview or resume.) That's just my opinion, but I'm a firm believer in keeping an open mind and allowing opportunity to take it's course. As for not sounding coherent or well conversed on the phone....did you think maybe he's a little nervous? With all the hoops guys have to jump through in the dating process as it is, now we have to cater and write an exciting email to catch your attention among 50 others, have good pictures, and exciting profile, keep you entertained by phone, then take you out on your schedule on a date we have to pay for, well knowing there's a chance you may not even be interested and may not even have the decency to return our phone call after the date is over. It wouldn't surprise me if some guys feel a little pressured and get a little nervous during the communication process. Look at what they're up against? One small step off the course of your "requirements" and he's out.
zengirl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I have only started to dip my toes into the online dating pool... but I have declined a phone conversation only because I wasn't sure yet if I was interested in the guy. This one guy made some boring conversation for 5 minutes then wanted to call me. That's not going to happen. I've only talked to one guy on the phone, and it's because we had a few excellent chats that established intellectual connection and a lot of common interests. Right, that's how I am too. I don't understand the assertion that a gal should speak to every guy on the phone. It's a progression. I've had guys message me and ask me out in the first message or ask for my # straight off, and it almost always turns me off because it sours the whole conversation since I'm going to say No. I don't want to spend time on the phone or texting away with someone who hasn't already sent me a few messages and developed a rapport and a few things to talk about. I understand some people aren't good at writing or articulating themselves, and maybe if that's okay with you in a partner (it's not okay with me; most of the men I've dated have been pretty decent writers), you have to look at OL dating differently, I don't know really. Obviously writing skill gives you a leg up in OL dating. That's just the way it goes. But I don't expect a guy to wow me with his wordplay or anything---just to find some stuff to talk about with me. Most people can express themselves well enough in writing (many people use FB, write on boards like this geared to all different subjects, write emails, etc) so it's either (1) impatience (2) laziness or (3) a lack of a desire to communicate that most hinders a guy in this medium. Many people will make the excuse "I just can't come across well in messages" (and of course no one comes across perfectly) but any man interested in an intellectual connection is going to try to do so.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 How many jobs have you gotten without interviewing in person? There's a reason they bring you in to meet in person most of the time (unless you absolutely screw up the phone interview or resume.) Yeah, but first they have looked at my resume alongside dozens or possibly hundreds of others, and I've passed muster. Then they've probably had some e-mail exchange with me, in which I've expressed enthusiasm and demonstrated my verbal skills in writing. Then there's a phone interview, where I show my charm, ability to think on my feet, and expertise about the profession. Then I finally earn the privilege of an interview, after taking numerous steps, all which present ample opportunity for failure or success. With all the hoops guys have to jump through in the dating process as it is, now we have to cater and write an exciting email to catch your attention among 50 others, have good pictures, and exciting profile, keep you entertained by phone, then take you out on your schedule on a date we have to pay for, well knowing there's a chance you may not even be interested and may not even have the decency to return our phone call after the date is over. Women have to jump through a lot of hoops, too. I have to hold up my end of the communication deal. I wouldn't expect a guy to be interested if my e-mails were lame and boring or I were a deadbeat on the phone. I have to go through the tedious and time-consuming process of getting ready for the date (hair, makeup, clothes). And I am perfectly fine with going dutch. I think part of the problem with modern dating -- and definitely online dating -- is that people are taking hasty shots at mass numbers of people, rather than carefully selecting a choice candidate and applying a lot of focused attention on that person. No one approaches anyone with the idea that this person could be very special. It's more like, "You're probably not going to work out, anyway, so I'm not going to try very hard."
Author Sabian Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) I think part of the problem with modern dating -- and definitely online dating -- is that people are taking hasty shots at mass numbers of people, rather than carefully selecting a choice candidate and applying a lot of focused attention on that person. No one approaches anyone with the idea that this person could be very special. It's more like, "You're probably not going to work out, anyway, so I'm not going to try very hard." I think you're half right. A lot of the guys take that approach. They are likely the type of guys who are looking for a girl instead of a relationship. They take the shotgun approach and send out a bunch of generic quick messages looking for any girl to respond. Then they try to get in their pants as quickly as possible. Sadly this ruins any possible trust of the rest of us who aren't doing that. The girls however (possibly because of the above) seem to have ridiculous standards that are rarely met. If the guy is not exactly like the guy in her favorite movie or fantasy, he's not good enough. I've read profiles where girls say they won't date anyone who has a slightly different taste in music than them.....what in the hell does musical taste have to do with connecting with someone? I'm just sick of busting my ass for nothing. I took hours writing my profile, trying to describe myself as best as I could while making sure to differentiate myself from the freaks out there. All without sounding like a hopeless romantic or social pariah. I then spent awhile carefully looking through profiles, reading each one completely trying to find a girl who seemed intelligent and compatible. I found a couple and sent messages that were far from generic. I talked about their interests, related them to mine, and made sure my grammar and spelling were immaculate. All while keeping it light and funny. Not to sound arrogant, but I guarantee my messages were better and more interesting than 99% of the guys in my area. What happens? I either got ignored completely, or got some stupid reason for why we aren't compatible. One girl even said she was only into older more mature guys....she was 21 and I'm 23. The fact that she immediately excluded me because of something as trivial as that is ridiculous and not at all unique to just her. A ton of women do it. I understand being cautious and wanting to find a great guy, but you can't just sit there waiting for Mr. Perfect to message you. He doesn't exist and even if he does, the chance that he's single and on the same dating site as you is almost zero. You have to be willing to give some guys a chance. I don't think I'm ugly. I'm athletically built at around 5'11" 170lbs and get plenty of dates with girls I meet in the real world. Yet you'd think I was a 400lb balding leper with the way girls are online. Yet for some reason I keep trying.... Edited July 22, 2011 by Sabian
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Hey, I hear you. I just barely started exploring online dating. I don't have a real profile or any pictures up yet, but I have messaged a few guys who intrigue me, and a few guys have messaged me, I guess based on the limited fill-in fields of info on my profile (height, body type, profession, age, etc.). So far, I am totally unimpressed. The ONE guy I messaged who seems like a great match for me on every level ignored my message completely. I wish I knew why. Even if he told me he thinks I'm unattractive, that's fine. I'd just like to know why. If you get plenty of dates in the real world, I'd focus on that, and use OD as a backup option. I came to OD because I am not meeting many quality guys in the real world -- but so far, the pickings don't seem to be any better online. As with anything, I guess you have to dig through a ton of rocks to find a gem.
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