Imajerk17 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 (edited) It really does pay to move on... (1) Met a girl a couple months ago. We had an amazing couple of dates, then she tells me she isn't quite feeling it but "we can be friends". Fine. I WAS disappointed and I do mope around, for the next 24 hours that is. But after that I go out and (through online dating and approaching women "in real life") meet several more women. She wasn't interested, so why worry about something you can't have? I moved on. She's been texting me a lot more recently. Wants to hang out again... (2) Had a big crush on a girl in my gym and maybe I was a bit needy around her. But I could tell that she wasn't really digging my program. It's cool.... Now whenever I go to the gym I actually focus on.... (wait for it)... my workout! [Yeah I know I'm a freak.] I'm noticing some other girls too.... Today she came up and talked with me. There's a moral to the story... Edited July 21, 2011 by Imajerk17
fishtaco Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Yup, pretty typical. One of the most important lesson a non natural should learn is what you've described. To gain attraction/interest, don't take them seriously.
zengirl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 But you also need to know you don't want interest/attraction gained from "ignoring" someone. I mean, take it in as the good ego boost it is, but go after better gals instead who reciprocate your interest and appreciate you, rather than those that go with the ebb and flow of their ego and your attention. (Unless you just want some superficial fun and attention, but if they didn't take you seriously, don't take them seriously. There are serious girls out there after all.)
Syzygypassion Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 To me it sounds like Girl (1) may have not been ready for what you wanted, could have been recovering from an ex/ seeing other men, anything.. She contacted you when she was ready and is progressing things at a pace she feel comfortable with. Just remember the two are completely seperate incidents which may have not necessarily have a bearing on you behaviour.
Ms. Joolie Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 In some sort of unrealistic world, men initiate contact with women and the women go ga-ga. I mean, in this unrealistic world, all you have to do is ask a number and the woman is HOOKED. Send one email and that woman is ALL YOURS. All she needs is daily texts and you have undying commitment. In THIS world, however, it takes time to build a relationship. Women are wooed slowly, slower but steadier than you think. Did I guess the moral right?
Enchanted Girl Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Well, I agree that you shouldn't waste time on people who are unwilling to reciprocate your feelings because its pointless and that sometimes those people will be desperate to have you once they think they've lost you. My ex broke-up with me and didn't think I could ever move on and once I did and was with a new guy, he found out, freaked out, and started begging for me back. He had no intention of doing so before he saw that I moved on. It was a good ego stroke, but its not like it meant anything because the people who really like you will stick around without you having to play games. Which is why you pay attention to the people who will reciprocate your feelings and be nice, like my current boyfriend. =) He's awesome.
fishtaco Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 In some sort of unrealistic world, men initiate contact with women and the women go ga-ga. I mean, in this unrealistic world, all you have to do is ask a number and the woman is HOOKED. Send one email and that woman is ALL YOURS. All she needs is daily texts and you have undying commitment. In THIS world, however, it takes time to build a relationship. Women are wooed slowly, slower but steadier than you think. Did I guess the moral right? Well, he didn't woo them. He moved on, and they came back and developed interest. Unless of course, you consider dropping them and moving on to others as part of the "wooing" game. Moral of the story is, you can't just be "interested". You have to keep them guessing. Maybe you're interested, maybe you're not. Make them feel the threat that you could move on to better options any time. If you call that wooing, sure I guess that make sense too, it's just semantics. But I'll agree with zengirl that women don't play these silly games tend to be better relationship material. Unfortunately 90% of the women subscribe to these games.
chuckles11 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 In some sort of unrealistic world, men initiate contact with women and the women go ga-ga. I mean, in this unrealistic world, all you have to do is ask a number and the woman is HOOKED. Send one email and that woman is ALL YOURS. All she needs is daily texts and you have undying commitment. In THIS world, however, it takes time to build a relationship. Women are wooed slowly, slower but steadier than you think. Did I guess the moral right? I guess I don't understand your point. The OP is saying that these women weren't interested in him, so he stopped paying attention to them and they later started initiating contact with him. If you're trying to suggest that men should keep pursuing women who initially reject them or appear ambivalent, I completely disagree.
Sith Apprentice Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 1. She's bored and has no other options at the moment. Forget about her. 2. She's looking for an ego stroke. Don't give it to her.
callingyouuu Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) There's a moral to the story... I wouldn't necessarily call it a moral, because that implies that ignoring people you're interested in should be encouraged, but you're right; that strategy can definitely breed interest. Like other posters have said, though, is this the kind of interest you're looking for? Edited July 22, 2011 by callingyouuu
phillyfan Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Yup, pretty typical. One of the most important lesson a non natural should learn is what you've described. To gain attraction/interest, don't take them seriously. DUDE it aint the case that u need 2 ignore them or not take thm serious, its just a case of not bein DESPARATE or OVERKEEN when u 1st meet them as that freaks them out (if ud started with a normal hi then theydprobly hav always been interestd). Dont b so full on, just b normal, thts the moral of the story.
zengirl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Well, he didn't woo them. He moved on, and they came back and developed interest. Unless of course, you consider dropping them and moving on to others as part of the "wooing" game. Moral of the story is, you can't just be "interested". You have to keep them guessing. Maybe you're interested, maybe you're not. Make them feel the threat that you could move on to better options any time. If you call that wooing, sure I guess that make sense too, it's just semantics. But I'll agree with zengirl that women don't play these silly games tend to be better relationship material. Unfortunately 90% of the women subscribe to these games. Totally not 90%. There are plenty of game-players out there (male and female) to drive us direct, assertive, honest people crazy. But nowhere near 90%. I feel like girls are most likely to be like that when they're very young (whereas men don't even learn to play games, in most cases, till they're older) and a lot grow out of it.
Ms. Joolie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Well, he didn't woo them. He moved on, and they came back and developed interest. Unless of course, you consider dropping them and moving on to others as part of the "wooing" game. Moral of the story is, you can't just be "interested". You have to keep them guessing. Maybe you're interested, maybe you're not. Make them feel the threat that you could move on to better options any time. If you call that wooing, sure I guess that make sense too, it's just semantics. But I'll agree with zengirl that women don't play these silly games tend to be better relationship material. Unfortunately 90% of the women subscribe to these games. "Keep them guessing" "Make them feel the threat" What you suggest has more to do with these silly games, not building relationships. You meet someone, you get their contact info, you build a relationship. There is no time limit, only interest. If his interest allows the female 24 hrs only to respond - or even just a week - then so be it. However, that doesn't mean that he was rejected or they aren't interested if a relationship breakthrough doesn't happen in the designated timespan. But it does leave a door open. Building a relationship takes time, and if you are going to stop moving forward at the first bump in the road then you really weren't interested in the first place in getting what you wanted. Sure you can go elsewhere, but what about the first option? Do you really just abandon course like that? Lots of guys are so pushy, like sales people, just to complete their agenda. Women may or may not respond well - or right away - to this. That doesn't mean they aren't interested. It can take time for a woman to come around. I just see it time and time again that guys give up after a week of not being able to get a date with this one chick or something. They think stepping back and playing it cool is THE KEY when all they needed to do was chill out anyway.
Ms. Joolie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 I guess I don't understand your point. The OP is saying that these women weren't interested in him, so he stopped paying attention to them and they later started initiating contact with him. If you're trying to suggest that men should keep pursuing women who initially reject them or appear ambivalent, I completely disagree. Woman#1 wanted to do the friends thing first, but the OP let it go. Woman#2 didn't even have a chance. The OP marked her off as "not interested" all by himself. Woman who blatantly said "I am not interested in you" are nowhere on this thread, so I am not talking about pursuing women who have initially rejected him. My point is about how relationships can take time to build, especially the romantic kind. The OP's focus seems to include a common pitfall of men, which is a timeline in which they expect the woman to respond.
Woggle Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Women tend to be drawn to a man they perceive as a challenge.
Ms. Joolie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Women tend to be drawn to a man they perceive as a challenge. That is a misconception. We want relationships.
Queen Zenobia Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 "Keep them guessing" "Make them feel the threat" What you suggest has more to do with these silly games, not building relationships. You meet someone, you get their contact info, you build a relationship. There is no time limit, only interest. If his interest allows the female 24 hrs only to respond - or even just a week - then so be it. However, that doesn't mean that he was rejected or they aren't interested if a relationship breakthrough doesn't happen in the designated timespan. But it does leave a door open. Building a relationship takes time, and if you are going to stop moving forward at the first bump in the road then you really weren't interested in the first place in getting what you wanted. Sure you can go elsewhere, but what about the first option? Do you really just abandon course like that? Lots of guys are so pushy, like sales people, just to complete their agenda. Women may or may not respond well - or right away - to this. That doesn't mean they aren't interested. It can take time for a woman to come around. I just see it time and time again that guys give up after a week of not being able to get a date with this one chick or something. They think stepping back and playing it cool is THE KEY when all they needed to do was chill out anyway. Wait...what? Perhaps I'm not as perceptive as you, but the OP said he went on a few dates with the first girl and she said she wasn't feeling it and wanted to be friends. That's not "let's be friends and see where it goes" that's "I'm not interested in you so I'll say let's be friends". Then, when he stopped paying attention to her she started contacting him again. That baffled him.
Ms. Joolie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) Wait...what? Perhaps I'm not as perceptive as you, but the OP said he went on a few dates with the first girl and she said she wasn't feeling it and wanted to be friends. That's not "let's be friends and see where it goes" that's "I'm not interested in you so I'll say let's be friends". Then, when he stopped paying attention to her she started contacting him again. That baffled him. Yes, she "wasn't feeling it" and wanted to be friends. The OP chose to let it go. We don't know her exact words, but the idea of "just friends" was apparently brought up. She is contacting him now under this "Just Friends" possibility. Do you think she said or is saying "I'm not interested in you"? Edited July 22, 2011 by Ms. Joolie
bad username Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 It really does pay to move on... (1) Met a girl a couple months ago. We had an amazing couple of dates, then she tells me she isn't quite feeling it but "we can be friends". Fine. I WAS disappointed and I do mope around, for the next 24 hours that is. But after that I go out and (through online dating and approaching women "in real life") meet several more women. She wasn't interested, so why worry about something you can't have? I moved on. She's been texting me a lot more recently. Wants to hang out again... (2) Had a big crush on a girl in my gym and maybe I was a bit needy around her. But I could tell that she wasn't really digging my program. It's cool.... Now whenever I go to the gym I actually focus on.... (wait for it)... my workout! [Yeah I know I'm a freak.] I'm noticing some other girls too.... Today she came up and talked with me. There's a moral to the story... The moral: stay away from people who play games, male or female. Also: don't assume either men or women are more likely to play games. Go for people who are more mature. Don't treat men or women as mere objects who are to be manipulated. That involves a contempt for them and underestimates your own ability to attract them on your own merits. Have I left anything out?
chuckles11 Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Woman#1 wanted to do the friends thing first, but the OP let it go. Woman#2 didn't even have a chance. The OP marked her off as "not interested" all by himself. Woman who blatantly said "I am not interested in you" are nowhere on this thread, so I am not talking about pursuing women who have initially rejected him. My point is about how relationships can take time to build, especially the romantic kind. The OP's focus seems to include a common pitfall of men, which is a timeline in which they expect the woman to respond. Women #1 didn't say that she wanted to be friends first. She said she wanted to be friends. As both men and women have written countless times on this board, most of the time when a women says "we can be friends" she means just that. If you say "we can be friends" to guys you are actually interested in dating, you are the exception, not the norm.
Ms. Joolie Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Women #1 didn't say that she wanted to be friends first. She said she wanted to be friends. As both men and women have written countless times on this board, most of the time when a women says "we can be friends" she means just that. If you say "we can be friends" to guys you are actually interested in dating, you are the exception, not the norm. And I am not saying he should continue to pursue something more if he doesn't want to. Obviously this "friends" thing is still on the table. OR she could still be interested. She didn't say "I'm not interested."
zengirl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Women tend to be drawn to a man they perceive as a challenge. That's what they say about men. Honestly, it depends on the person. No one worth being with wants to be with someone who will follow them around like a zombie love puppy dog or anything but they also don't want to be with someone who ignores them and plays head games. Some people hate being challenged; some people love it. Most people are somewhere in between---we want a relationship with someone who we'd willingly work for and who is happy enough with who they are to let us put in some effort to prove our affections, but we want it to be a positive, mutual experience.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 That's what they say about men. Honestly, it depends on the person. No one worth being with wants to be with someone who will follow them around like a zombie love puppy dog or anything but they also don't want to be with someone who ignores them and plays head games. Some people hate being challenged; some people love it. Most people are somewhere in between---we want a relationship with someone who we'd willingly work for and who is happy enough with who they are to let us put in some effort to prove our affections, but we want it to be a positive, mutual experience. Yea, everyone is an individual, you're right. This is like how I hate being challenged actually because I'm different and probably on one of the extremes. My current boyfriend was such a breath of fresh air because falling into a relationship with him was natural and simple. He didn't string me along. We actually agreed to be exclusive immediately and said "I love you" pretty quickly. We moved in together faster than most people would have as well. And he wanted to spend more time with me than any of the other guys I had been dating before him. The other guys I was with right before him seemed reluctant to become exclusive with me. Most of them were hard to get a hold of. I felt like I couldn't be myself around them and had to work hard to impress them. I don't know. I don't really want the challenge. I want someone who isn't going to fool around with games and someone who I can be myself with. Doesn't mean I won't try in the relationship, but yea, I hope that makes sense. So I disagree that all women want a challenge. Some don't and some do. I have friends that enjoy a challenge and date very different people than I do. Which is why I don't want the breed of nice, possibly clingy guys to die like everyone gives advice for them to. =/ They are the kind I like best. I remember having a conversation with my friend where she told me that nice guys who don't want to fool around do exist and I was skeptical or at least that I'd personally never get one. But then I met my current boyfriend and now I'm very happy.
zengirl Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 Yea, everyone is an individual, you're right. This is like how I hate being challenged actually because I'm different and probably on one of the extremes. My current boyfriend was such a breath of fresh air because falling into a relationship with him was natural and simple. He didn't string me along. We actually agreed to be exclusive immediately and said "I love you" pretty quickly. We moved in together faster than most people would have as well. And he wanted to spend more time with me than any of the other guys I had been dating before him. The other guys I was with right before him seemed reluctant to become exclusive with me. Most of them were hard to get a hold of. I felt like I couldn't be myself around them and had to work hard to impress them. I don't know. I don't really want the challenge. I want someone who isn't going to fool around with games and someone who I can be myself with. Doesn't mean I won't try in the relationship, but yea, I hope that makes sense. So I disagree that all women want a challenge. Some don't and some do. I have friends that enjoy a challenge and date very different people than I do. Which is why I don't want the breed of nice, possibly clingy guys to die like everyone gives advice for them to. =/ They are the kind I like best. I remember having a conversation with my friend where she told me that nice guys who don't want to fool around do exist and I was skeptical or at least that I'd personally never get one. But then I met my current boyfriend and now I'm very happy. To me, a good challenge isn't like "I don't know where I stand with him/her" (though some might like this, to each their own) but rather someone who has his own life, his own passions, and knows who he is. That's intellectually stimulating and challenging even if he's totally into me. My BF is not needy/clingy, but I knew pretty early on he was into me and he made it clear he didn't want to see anyone else. I've never felt uncomfortable calling him, he's very communicative, we play no games, etc. But he still challenges me. He calls me on my B.S. He disagrees with me. He has things in his life he wouldn't just give up for me because he loves them (though I'd never ask him to give up his hobbies and passions) and while I'm a high priority and our partnership grows regularly in importance, his world doesn't revolve around me. And mine doesn't revolve around him.
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