Hey I'm new

[jamesc5]

Hey I was looking for some advice and found this website. I wasn't sure where to post so I just decided to post in here.

 

Background: I'm currently a college student living in Washington State going for a psychology degree. My mind tends to think how does this apply psychologically? What does that say about that person? What does this say about me? etc. What I do with this degree is yet to be decided. I've only ever had one girlfriend and that ended four years ago. I am currently looking for a new girlfriend but have been unsuccessful without really understanding why. I'm talking to women and initiating conversation without really having any luck. For whatever reason, the women I talk to seem to lose interest. I have a strong interest in sexology. Almost anything related to sex studies interest me. It is my dream job to do something in the sex field. Whether it be sex research or sex educator.

 

It was recently brought to my attention that I come off too strong. To explain more, I recently attended a friend's wedding. I knew both the bride and groom. Over the course of the evening, I got along well with one of the bride's married friends. She is married so I did not think to pursue her. My goal was to utilize her to help me find someone. Her personality is something of a playful, flirty nature. Let's from now on refer to this girl as 'flirty girl' As people were leaving, one of my friends told her that he was leaving. As he was turning to leave, she pulled him back and said aren't you forgetting something and turned her head and pointed to her cheek. So he leaned in a gave her a kiss on the cheek. And she gave him a kiss on his cheek as well. Me, not really thinking and partially jokingly said 'Hey! Can I get a kiss too?' So she turned my head and gave me a kiss on my cheek and then she turned her head and pointed to her cheek and I gave her a kiss. Now, I may have overestimated the meaning of this. I mean, I haven't been kissed by a girl in four years. So when this girl kissed me, I was surprised. (Oh! I should point out, I have this problem where I tend to get attached to girls REALLY REALLY easily. Even girls who I only just barely met. I don't know why I do that. I think it's just because I haven't really had a lot of female closeness in my childhood. Or maybe it's because I've had too much, I grew up with all my cousins being females.) Anyways, so then further into the night, I got to know her and her husband more. They even invited me to stay over in their hotel room. Being a light drunk and paranoid about crashing and having the groom give me a sip of his drink earlier in the evening, I decided to go up. She's what I would describe as a very open person. There was even a point in their hotel room when I was standing in the doorway and she walked passed me to go into the bathroom. I was in mid sentence when I saw her lift her dress and sit down to pee. I was surprised that she didn't even close the door or anything. Being shocked by her openness I just said 'Oh! You're peeing, I'm going to walk over here now.' And then proceeded to walk to the other side of the room away from the bathroom. She just said she didn't mind. At another point, she just said she was going to change and just standing in the middle of the room, she took off her dress and put on a t-shirt and then got into bed with her husband. I was just surprised. I had never had a girl change in front of me before aside from my ex girlfriend. I mean I've seen my ex girlfriend naked but that was in a relationship. This girl just did it after only a few hours of meeting her. My psychology mind was very surprised that this girl was so open. I've never met anyone like her before. Anyways, to continue the story, we exchanged stories and I told her about my area of interest and my ex girlfriend. I asked them about their history and how they got together not really thinking much of anything.

 

Fast forward to last night, a friend of mine attended an outing with some friends including the bride and groom but not including 'flirty girl' Apparently, 'flirty girl' told the bride about how I came off as too strong that night and the bride told the friends at the outing. I don't think I mind the fact that she told the friends. Maybe I mind a little. Actually more than a little. It's just like really, your friend told you something and you decide to tell a group of people. Really? Just more than I expected of her. Oh well. Most of the friends that I know who were in attendance at the outing already know about my history and my personality. What bothers me is how I came off as too strong. I don't really understand.

 

Sorry that this is long. I just wanted to give as much detail as possible. I just wanted to hear thoughts and suggestions on how to not be so open. I'm a very open person. Maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship. There's nothing mysterious about me. But I don't really understand at what point in friendships/relationships can certain things be talked about.

[sleepykitten]

Ok,that is definatly very wierd that she went to the toilet in front of you, got undressed and then got into bed with her husband-what did he say about this. Also just strange they invited you up too. I dont think you came across strong at all if you just didnt do anything and went to bed. You dont sound like you were "too open". I still cant get my head around her actions!! Maybe this is why she said this to her friends in case you got in their first and told them how wierd she was!!!

[oldguy]

It is very difficult to get a good read from just a few lines and particularly without the benefit of body language or voice inflection and although psychologist/counselors rarely advise people on life decisions, they attempt to guide more than advise, let me give you some background. I initially wanted to specialize in what was then called; marriage counseling. However near the end of my first year of studies it became obvious to me that no matter how much I studied I had little to no practical life experience in that field. I was raised in an alcoholic home & did have plenty of experience there and although this epiphany didn’t drastically change my course studies at the time it would initially change my career path. My first job was as a substance abuse counselor. A field I wasn’t terribly excited about to be honest, as it hit a little close too home, but it was something I could combine my education and life experience. That eventually led to counseling victims of substance abusers, family, friends, spouses, children. Again, an area in which I had a lot of life experience to bring to the table. So even though I was only in my late twenties by then I was taken very seriously. And that experience eventually led to counseling families, which was close to my original interest. Of course that led to seeing a lot of teen & adult children who grew up in homes where there was substance abuse & of course, many of them had picked up the habit.

 

As I began; it’s hard to get a good read & psychologists/counselors rarely advice, one of the things I like about social networks is; all of the rules are out the window and I would ‘advise’ you to get more life experience in the field your thinking of perusing. Be a psychologist by all means but specialize & work towards an area you can bring some credibility to the table in. It helps, a great deal. Maybe I misread you but you definitely seem to still be a bit socially awkward, and that is fine, that is what life is about; learning, growing & developing. But a socially awkward sex therapist is going to have some trouble with credibility. You can only learn so much from text & lectures. You have to live to learn life. You’ve heard the saying I’m sure; ‘book smart, life…’? well, that’s a bit derogatory but there is a thread of truth to it. You have to develop your life skills not just learn them.

 

I should add; I dropped out for a few semesters, after sitting through some particularly though group sessions, at 22 yo I wasn't so sure I wanted to spend my days listening other peoples problems. Hell I didn't think I was doing a good job with my own. It turns out it sin't so bad.

 

Since I'm rambling; after spending much of my professional life counselling people & their relationships, my own marriage of more than 20 years ended & some people where actually shocked. To that I could only respond; even cardiac specialists have heart attacks. The only differences is; if you specialize you see it coming and you know how bad it's gong to be. Another life lesson.

[jamesc5]

@sleepykitten

Oh just when that happened I said "Wow, I've never had anyone do that in front of me before." She said it was partially the alcohol but also partially her. So I think it's just a one time thing. But like I figured since she raised the comfort level that much. I would be able to talk about whatever. I mean I was even surprised that she kissed me. So that raised the comfort level bar up too.

 

Oh they invited some people up. Like they on purpose got a two bed room so that people who got drunk could stay at their place. I was thinking about it. I think the part where I came off as too strong was when I told her about my ex girlfriend. I've told the same story over and over to all my friends after we broke up so I didn't think to censor myself. It was in full detail from when we got together to when we had sex to when we broke up. Which after talking with a friend, I now realize maybe I shouldn't give full detail. When I say full detail I mean DETAILS. Example being how she didn't bleed that night but in the following days bled for a long time. I wasn't thinking about discretion or anything at all. But that's just how comfortable I am. I'm a really open person. People say their open to talking about anything. "Oh yah, ask me anything." But when they get asked "how many sex partners have you had?" They're like oh woah.. didn't know we were coming on this topic. That's just an example. But what I'm saying is that I'm actually okay with any topic of discussion. I withhold judgments and can keep a straight face. My hope in the future is that one day we can be open about sex. I feel that it is a natural thing. People masturbate, have sex. Why can't we be open about it?

 

@oldguy

I'm trying to learn. With every new person I meet, I try to learn from what went wrong. What could I have done differently? What do they see when they meet me? etc.

I want to get more experienced in the field of sex. I'm even open to the possibility of having one night stands and things of that nature. My interest is how does that occur. What goes on through the minds of people who have one night stands? How does a one night stand even begin? Older women. How does that work? What is my thought process of being with someone older? What is the thought process of the older woman? etc.

Edited July 21, 2011 by jamesc5

[sm1tten]

I study sexuality from a historical and sociological standpoint. So that this as one person who is deeply interested to another person who is deeply interested in sexology. Two things:

 

Boundaries. You need to get familiar with them. There's a big difference between being open and being a battering ram of too much information. "Flirty girl" certainly had some questionable ones, but I can see how your conversation about your ex girlfriend would have come across to her.

 

Tone: I don't know how you "speak" in real life but you sound a bit detached and clinical - and perhaps, awkward - always "thinking" about your interactions and analyzing them as they occur. This can be really off-putting to people. One of the reasons I got out of psychology was that I felt my studies were really changing the ways in which I interacted with other people in a negative way. I don't say that to discourage you, only to suggest that when people notice they are being "observed" their reaction is often to be defensive. This might be why she talked about you.

[thatone]

flirty girl is a bag full of walking drama. the kiss on the cheek thing is harmless, and i see nothing wrong with that, it's cultural even. i mean, people in south louisiana kiss distant relatives on holiday get togethers. a guy one state away in any direction might be willing to fight if a cousin tried to kiss his wife like that.

 

but inviting you to their hotel room is wrong, and then taking it a step further by sitting on the toilet with you standing there and then changing clothes with you standing there is too far for a married woman no matter where you are.

 

don't put too much thought into what she says or thinks, she's an attention whore, this is what she does.

[jamesc5]

@sm1tten

I'm REALLY REALLY bad with boundaries. I was out with my friends who got married yesterday. Actually, it was that wedding that I met "flirty girl". And I was curious as to how much their wedding cost. So I just asked "how much did your wedding cost you guys?" And they were just kind of taken aback. Then they told me you're generally not supposed to ask those kinds of questions. And I was just thinking I didn't really understand why since we were close friends. Yah... I guess like I tend to just say what's on my mind. Literally. If I think something, I just say it out loud. I need to learn to censor myself more often.

 

@thatone

I can see that yah. The kiss being a cultural thing. I think the peeing thing and the undressing thing were just because she was drunk. Maybe a little attention whore though. I don't know. So like, it is my belief that there is a lesson to be learned in every new people I meet. So like I always like to better myself by asking, what am I learning by meeting this person? So far, censoring myself and learning that lines exist and that I shouldn't cross them.

[thatone]

you have the right attitude. everyone in their college years winds up in these situations, you're learning about being an adult and these situations are how you learn. the college kids who wind up worse off are the ones who are cocky and think they have the world figured out at 23. the fact that you recognize you have things to learn at this age is a positive thing.

 

and yeah, learning when to keep your mouth shut and get the information you need/want without 'showing your cards' is a skill that you will be needing, you're right.

[jamesc5]

Yah, so how do I learn this skill of obtaining information?

[thatone]

you ask inviting, short, open ended questions, and listen to the responses.

 

example:

 

was at a jazz club last weekend, the band plays a couple of frank sinatra songs in the middle of one of their sets. she asks if i like sinatra, i say sure, and point out a movie that had the current song in the credits, and ask if she saw it, she said no.

 

follow up question is obvious, "how did you come to like sinatra?"

 

then she's gonna tell you something, either she got it from gangster movies, or her dad used to play sinatra songs when he was having his drink and cigar every day, or her brother likes old school music or something.

 

now any and all of these you can play to your advantage, because she is telling you things about herself, and more importantly about things she likes. you start piecing all these things together and you get a pretty good picture after a date or two of what she likes, what she probably won't like, what subjects of conversation she responds well to, what her family and friends are like, etc. the more you learn about her the easier it is to find things to talk about and do that she likes to talk about and do.

 

in my case she told me she liked old gangster movies so i got a next date idea, go catch an old movie at one of the historic classic movie theaters around town.

 

if you get a short uninterested response to a question, change the subject.

 

it's not really rocket science, just listening to what she has to say.

Edited July 25, 2011 by thatone

[jamesc5]

Thank you for the help.

[Kaplan]

James, regarding your story about the couple that invited you up to their room, they were swingers and she said you "came on too strong" because she was upset that you didn't sleep with them. That is, seriously, the only explanation that makes sense.

[jamesc5]

@thatone

So yesterday, I totally sent a message on the forums with the intention of just getting to know a girl. I think it was a bad idea. If you look at my posts, you can go see the post I made. How bad was it?

[thatone]

umm, i think you're barking up the wrong tree if you're expecting women on this forum to open up to you privately. the whole reason this place exists is so people can sort out their issues anonymously.