Coworker hit me

[daphne]

Congrats on being able to restrain yourself from reacting violently to your colleague's behaviour. A lot of people like to wax lyrical on here about what constitutes "classy" and what equates with "trashy". Well, to my mind, the situation you described at work sums it all up quite nicely.

 

Stay safe.

 

Thanks. It was not easy to maintain restraint or composure. I have a temper when pushed too far. I am not a saint. I really wanted to hurt her back. I did yell, but I didn't hit her back. I exercised control.

 

And I don't condone violence, other than self defense. It's how primitive people show they don't know how to communicate.

 

But I had this exact situation happen to me on a job and took it to the HR. I was made to regret it. If the other woman saw any consequences it was mild, I was painted a racist and the entire company had to go through anti discrimination seminars with many thinking it was all my fault. Why? Because he ex worked there and asked me out. But with no witnesses - this can happen.

 

This was a corporation with 400+ employees.

 

This completely baffles me. Someone hits you, and your'e a racist for complaining? Did you have witnesses? I will say one thing. Coworkers will make up irrational excuses for the perpetrator to turn things around on you, as if you are the wrong doer. All in an effort to get you to shut up and accept toxic behavior.

[Star Gazer]

I'm not questioning you or defending her at all, I'm just curious: How and where on your body did she hit you? It wasn't a punch, but an open handed hit, in response to asking if she had a secret admirer... So I'm wondering if she intended it to be a playful, "Oh stop!" or "Shhh!" or something like that, and she just didn't realize how strong/hard she was...?

[daphne]

I'm not questioning you or defending her at all, I'm just curious: How and where on your body did she hit you? It wasn't a punch, but an open handed hit, in response to asking if she had a secret admirer... So I'm wondering if she intended it to be a playful, "Oh stop!" or "Shhh!" or something like that, and she just didn't realize how strong/hard she was...?

 

Embarrassing point. She hit me on my forehead. She walloped the crap out of me. She said that she didn't know she was hitting me that hard. But I know her hand hurt from how hard she hit me. If someone had been paying attention, they would have heard it. It was fairly loud.

 

The look she gave me was far less of a playful look, and one that was more dictated by anger. If I'm recalling correctly, she clenched her jaw. I think remembering seeing her face while she did it is what bothers me the most out of this.

 

Another point. I yelled at her to stop hitting me after the first hit. I back away and she comes at me and hits me harder the second time.

[Star Gazer]

Embarrassing point. She hit me on my forehead. She walloped the crap out of me. She said that she didn't know she was hitting me that hard. But I know her hand hurt from how hard she hit me. If someone had been paying attention, they would have heard it. It was fairly loud.

 

The look she gave me was far less of a playful look, and one that was more dictated by anger. If I'm recalling correctly, she clenched her jaw. I think remembering seeing her face while she did it is what bothers me the most out of this.

 

Another point. I yelled at her to stop hitting me after the first hit. I back away and she comes at me and hits me harder the second time.

 

Holy cow!!! That really is straight up violence!! I wonder what got into her!!

 

You said she hit you once before? Was it similar to this?

[Star Gazer]

I'd fire her right this minute if I was her boss, and I say that as an ex-employment litigator. Without hesitation.

[donnamaybe]

I'd fire her right this minute if I was her boss, and I say that as an ex-employment litigator. Without hesitation.

 

Totally agree. A lesson needs to be learned. I wonder what other abuse she dishes out and to whom.

[Fugu]

Embarrassing point. She hit me on my forehead. She walloped the crap out of me. She said that she didn't know she was hitting me that hard. But I know her hand hurt from how hard she hit me. If someone had been paying attention, they would have heard it. It was fairly loud.

 

The look she gave me was far less of a playful look, and one that was more dictated by anger. If I'm recalling correctly, she clenched her jaw. I think remembering seeing her face while she did it is what bothers me the most out of this.

 

Another point. I yelled at her to stop hitting me after the first hit. I back away and she comes at me and hits me harder the second time.

 

I am not a psychologist so I can't actually give a clinical observation here, but it sorta sounds like what they refer to as 'intermittent explosive disorder.' If I understand it correctly, she has done things like this before? Maybe not to this extreme, but she's the kind of person who throws crap and huffs around when someone or something pisses her off? I'd say she's also exactly the kind of person who could commit more extreme forms of workplace violence.

 

I would perhaps talk it over with your supervisor again one more time and maybe find out what exactly happens in a situation like this. I think the goal here isn't to get her fired; rather, it should be to confront her forcefully and hopefully find resources for her that will intervene and help her help herself (e.g. anger management, counseling...). If it's the policy to help a person in this situation, then I wouldn't hesitate to report it to HR. If not, I'd still report it, but I'd also be on a higher state of alert. It may not be easy, but I think it needs to be confronted anyway.

[daphne]

Holy cow!!! That really is straight up violence!! I wonder what got into her!!

 

You said she hit you once before? Was it similar to this?

 

More than once. This was the 4th time. The first time, it was a light tap. The second a hard smack. Not nearly as hard as this time. The third, she missed me because I saw it coming and backed my head out of the way. This time, she went all out. She was making sure she didn't miss me this time I guess. She asked me why I didn't come to her first, instead of my boss. I responded that, I have yelled at her to stop hitting me, and she wasn't respecting my boundaries. How much more talking did she need?

 

I'd fire her right this minute if I was her boss, and I say that as an ex-employment litigator. Without hesitation.

 

Well, reminding me what her face looked like when she did it makes my blood boil all over again. That wasn't the face of someone playing. It felt like pure domination. She also has patted me on the head in meetings to display domination. I've also told her to stop doing that, and she hasn't. There's something very demeaning about someone touching your head in either way.

 

Totally agree. A lesson needs to be learned. I wonder what other abuse she dishes out and to whom.

 

Well, she lost her last bf and the one before due to very similar dominating and abusive behavior. I tried to gently point out to her that she can't treat a guy like that and expect him to stick around. She knows she has control/anger issues.

[daphne]

I am not a psychologist so I can't actually give a clinical observation here, but it sorta sounds like what they refer to as 'intermittent explosive disorder.' If I understand it correctly, she has done things like this before? Maybe not to this extreme, but she's the kind of person who throws crap and huffs around when someone or something pisses her off? I'd say she's also exactly the kind of person who could commit more extreme forms of workplace violence.

 

I would perhaps talk it over with your supervisor again one more time and maybe find out what exactly happens in a situation like this. I think the goal here isn't to get her fired; rather, it should be to confront her forcefully and hopefully find resources for her that will intervene and help her help herself (e.g. anger management, counseling...). If it's the policy to help a person in this situation, then I wouldn't hesitate to report it to HR. If not, I'd still report it, but I'd also be on a higher state of alert. It may not be easy, but I think it needs to be confronted anyway.

 

I don't know that I agree with your assessment about her being capable of extreme forms of violence. I will say, after seeing it in black and white, it's clear that it has escalated.

 

I do like your advice on talking with my boss again. I'd hate to think that she does this to someone else, because she knows she can get away with it with no repercussions. She's not the only bully in our company,however. There's one woman that is far more explosive, and has an HR record about an inch and a half thick. She has been responsible for a number of people quitting. I personally can't work with her, she's a psycho. However, that woman has never hit anyone that I'm aware of. Clearly, our HR department is useless. They have also turned a blind eye to my previous regular sexual harrassment.

 

The one saving grace for this girl, is that she immediately owned up to it and did not blame me for it. She didn't deny it happened. She apologized and said it would never happen again. Which makes me think that she may realize that what she did was wrong and will make the effort to not repeat it.

[Fugu]

I don't know that I agree with your assessment about her being capable of extreme forms of violence. I will say, after seeing it in black and white, it's clear that it has escalated.

 

I do like your advice on talking with my boss again. I'd hate to think that she does this to someone else, because she knows she can get away with it with no repercussions. She's not the only bully in our company,however. There's one woman that is far more explosive, and has an HR record about an inch and a half thick. She has been responsible for a number of people quitting. I personally can't work with her, she's a psycho. However, that woman has never hit anyone that I'm aware of. Clearly, our HR department is useless. They have also turned a blind eye to my previous regular sexual harrassment.

 

The one saving grace for this girl, is that she immediately owned up to it and did not blame me for it. She didn't deny it happened. She apologized and said it would never happen again. Which makes me think that she may realize that what she did was wrong and will make the effort to not repeat it.

 

Christ, there's another woman that behaves worse than this? An HR file an inch deep? Maybe it's time to look for another job? It's all well and good that HR at least pays attention to this sort of thing, but that begs the question, how in the bloody hell did they get hired in the first place? HR's not doing its homework, especially in light of the fact that the cards are definitely stacked in the favor of employers right now. They can be picky. Why aren't they? The good thing for you is, you have a job. Maybe use that opportunity to start looking for a better one.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Fugu

[daphne]

Christ, there's another woman that behaves worse than this? An HR file an inch deep? Maybe it's time to look for another job? It's all well and good that HR at least pays attention to this sort of thing, but that begs the question, how in the bloody hell did they get hired in the first place? HR's not doing its homework, especially in light of the fact that the cards are definitely stacked in the favor of employers right now. They can be picky. Why aren't they? The good thing for you is, you have a job. Maybe use that opportunity to start looking for a better one.

 

LOL. There is. I have stories, but that would be an entirely different thread. Short answer, that woman is "friends" with at least one of the executives. This is where I screwed up, apparently. I kid.

 

Also, my boss and I both drove by the suggestion that my friend may have an untoward relationship with her boss, which is why he turns a blind eye to anything she does.

 

Neither of these two women is highly competent at her job. My friend is more so, though.

 

Unfortunately, in the field I'm in, I'd have to move to get another related job. I don't live in the finance hub. I'm not willing to move. It's a really good job and I've been there most of my adult life.

[spiderowl]

I'm really shocked that someone should treat you like this, Daphne, and that you feel compassion for her. She is out of control and next time it may be you or someone else. It will be someone. It makes no difference whether she apologised or cried afterwards, that's what abusers do - they are contrite afterwards and their victim forgives them, only to face the same thing again later.

 

You are right that this is not acceptable behaviour. I do think you should talk to your boss AND go to HR. Were there witnesses? I hope so and that you have all the names ready. The woman has a serious problem and, you know, it's not your fault that she has it. If you don't want to act because you feel sorry for her, then think of the other people she is likely to attack in future, her kids maybe - does she have kids??? You do not have to take this abuse from anyone. Take note of your feelings; they are telling you this is unacceptable and that something exceptional and fearful has happened. You should not have to handle this on your own. Please seek the help of those you know care about you and HR. I think you're perfectly entitled to call the police, personally. This is assault. It doesn't matter what she says she intended to do, this is a pattern of appalling behaviour and she should be stopped.

 

I am really sorry you've been treated like this and I can imagine it's scary wondering what to do about it. If you do have your boss's support, take advantage of it and try to keep away from her in the meantime. The woman is seriously psycho and could be very dangerous. You may want to consider talking to the staff at a nearby women's refuge. They will have tons of experience of the legal issues around assault and abuse and should be able to advise you on how to keep safe, even though it is not a guy at fault in this case. Take care xx

[betterdeal]

What a cunt.

[Trimmer]

Clearly, our HR department is useless. They have

also turned a blind eye to my previous regular sexual harrassment.

In a way, this convinces me even more that you should take this - yes - to those very same HR folks, if nothing else, to get it on record through proper, official company channels.

 

My reasoning is that if you decide that this situation ultimately requires some kind of intervention, and your HR department is truly impotent as you say, then when you go to a "next level" (whether law enforcement in the immediate aftermath of another incident, or legal action if you feel your work environment is hostile and the company is not taking action to correct it...) then you have a paper trail of history showing past events, and also demonstrating that you did everything that you could - through proper channels - before escalating things.

 

Furthermore, again, if HR really is impotent, then you probably aren't risking her job to report it, right? I still think you should have it on file.

 

I haven't dealt with HR departments for a long time, but it's possible that you will go tell your story, and they will ask you "what do you want done?"

 

It's a kind of a myth that HR's main function is to serve the employees. In fact, HR's overriding purpose is to keep the company from getting sued by its own employees (read: you) so it's not like they will just automatically do whatever you want, but they will try to be sure you are placated. If you say "I just want these incidents on record, in case one ever happens again" then given their history, that may well be all they do - if it seems like that will settle you down, from their perspective.

 

So even if you decide you don't want to cost her her job, I still think you should start your "CYA file" now, through proper, official channels.

 

You know, at first, I was a little surprised by this advice:

You may want to consider talking to the staff at a nearby women's refuge. They will have tons of experience of the legal issues around assault and abuse and should be able to advise you on how to keep safe, even though it is not a guy at fault in this case.

...not that I was against it, it was just a kind of an "out-of-the-box" suggestion. Then I remembered you had previously said this:

The one saving grace for this girl, is that she immediately owned up to it and did not blame me for it. She didn't deny it happened. She apologized and said it would never happen again. Which makes me think that she may realize that what she did was wrong and will make the effort to not repeat it.

... and I got a kind of a chill. Doesn't this sound just like the pattern of an abusive domestic/romantic relationship? A long standing pattern of emotional domination, occasionally escalating into physical action and violence, followed by contrition, apology, and the assurance that it will never happen again.

 

And you convince yourself that this time, it really will be the last time; in spite of the established pattern, you convince yourself that this time the abuser will change, and so you feel a burden of guilt over taking any corrective action, guilt over the effect on the abuser, if he/she should have to suffer the consequences of the abusive behavior.

 

It's important to be clear: whatever happens to her as a result of her striking you and the pattern of her past behaviors is not something you are "doing to her" - she has done it to herself.

Edited July 21, 2011 by Trimmer

[Star Gazer]

Trimmer is so smart.

 

Hahahaha!

 

But really, listen to him.

[whichwayisup]

I think my boss wasn't sure about not taking it to HR. I'm the one that suggested not going. He said he'd do whatever I wanted. He was really pissed. But he made sure to document everything, so that in the event that there was retaliation of any kind or any repeats, we could take it to HR.

 

She definitely has control/anger issues. she knows it too. If we hadn't been friends, I wouldn't have passed go or collected $200. I would have been in HR signing documents. But, unfortunately, I feel bad for her as opposed to myself. I wish I knew why.

 

HR HAS to get involved, in fact, I'm shocked that your Boss didn't immediately go talk to them. Whether or not this woman gets suspended from work without pay for a week or two, or gets fired, HR should know. This protects you and also, possibly gets this girl anger management. She has issues and HER boss has let her get away with certain behaviours for a long time and it's escalated into her slapping you (twice). She needs to be put in her place and her crying and feeling bad isn't enough. What she did is not normal!

 

You won't be in trouble, nor will your boss be able to tell you you can't go to HR about this issue. HR protects YOU. Especially with these kind of incidents!

 

Make sure to write down the incident, word for word what happened..

 

Editted to add, Trimmer great post!

 

Yup, HR has to have this on file.

[stillafool]

OMG daphne, you and your boss should have went to HR immediately! Absolutely no excuse for an employee to have to put up with physical abuse and; this wasn't the first time. This woman thinks she can get away with anything and is clearly a "bully". I understand how you feel not wanting anyone to lose their job in this economy but I just couldn't let her get away with that. For me, even if I chose to not go to HR and let her keep her job, I would invite her to the bathroom (alone) and whoop her ass and dare her to tell anyone about it. Hey, but that's just me.

[daphne]

For me, even if I chose to not go to HR and let her keep her job, I would invite her to the bathroom (alone) and whoop her ass and dare her to tell anyone about it. Hey, but that's just me.

 

You must be a dude. A guy friend of mine suggested this, but outside of work. I can't do this. If she has me arrested and files a civil suit, I have a lot to lose. This is probably why I didn't hit her back against a very deep rooted desire.

 

My boss said something that made me realize that I really had it all wrong. I said "I wonder if it would have escalated this far, if I had only gone to her boss right away instead of waiting." He said "I don't buy into that battered wife syndrome stuff. You didn't do this, she did." I was embarrassed. I was, once, a battered wife. I knew only then I had to make it official.

 

FWIW, Trimmer, I couldn't breathe, but I did it. I went to my boss, then HR. He told me much of what you said. He said that this wasn't an option for my boss to not report. I told him that he was simply respecting my wishes, don't give him a hard time. I asked if she would be fired. He essentially told me it was out of my hands at this point. But that if she had no history, and didn't do it again, she could very well keep her job.

 

When I told HR the facts, the guy was completely flabbergasted. He said what disturbed him most was the escalation of things over approximately 6-8 months. If I hadn't written it down here, I wouldn't have noticed. I told him for me it was the fact that she clenched her jaw and hit me harder the second time when I was backing away and yelling. She just looked so crazy.

 

I don't know what's going to happen now, but I'm starting to feel less concerned about her and more for myself.

 

But what's bothering me now, is that I have to set my boundaries with 3 people in two weeks, which means losing all 3. And how in the world did it get to the point where they didn't know that cussing me out, hitting me or shady married guy behavior was unacceptable? Struggling.

[johan]

I find it disturbing and illogical that you suggest that, instead of considering whether or not to take a high road that she might not take, I blackmail her. You can't be serious.

 

Not really serious. But on the other hand, she has cost you. She assaulted you and took away your personal security. She put you in a difficult position with respect to how to follow up. She has cost you the productivity of the time you'll be spending dealing with HR. And she has associated your name with what will amount to company scandal. Maybe you have lost some sleep and felt stress.

 

If you go to HR, will you be compensated at all? No. It will get dealt with and filed and things will go back to normal. The company doesn't owe you anything with respect to what she has cost you.

 

Given the losses she will experience if she gets fired, it seems like compensating you fairly would be a pretty good deal for her. And you would get a lot more out of that than HR has to offer.

[spiderowl]

You've done really well and I admire you for taking steps to put this on record and report her. I can imagine it's a very tough situation to be in and basically it's HER fault you are suffering this emotional as well as physical trauma. She deserves to be sacked, otherwise how is she ever going to realise her behaviour is unacceptable? Bullies don't learn unless they are stopped in their tracks - I've seen them at work, they try it on until something really serious happens and their hands are tied.

 

You wondered why you had been forced to set boundaries so much recently and with different people. I don't know the answer to that. It could be coincidence, it could be that you are an attractive and successful person and the creeps are attracted to you and some women are jealous. Sometimes things like this just happen in bunches. Jung called it synchronicity and he was trying to find out if there was meaning behind such coincidences.

 

I can imagine all this makes you feel particularly vulnerable. Does your employer have a counselling service that might be able to help you? Maybe HR could arrange that for you for free? Have you got any obvious injuries? If so, might be worth getting photos taken for the record.

 

I wonder if the employer has any obligation to report this to the police? I am not a lawyer and have no idea about this - perhaps others might.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through all this.

[daphne]

Not really serious. But on the other hand, she has cost you. She assaulted you and took away your personal security. She put you in a difficult position with respect to how to follow up. She has cost you the productivity of the time you'll be spending dealing with HR. And she has associated your name with what will amount to company scandal. Maybe you have lost some sleep and felt stress.

 

If you go to HR, will you be compensated at all? No. It will get dealt with and filed and things will go back to normal. The company doesn't owe you anything with respect to what she has cost you.

 

Given the losses she will experience if she gets fired, it seems like compensating you fairly would be a pretty good deal for her. And you would get a lot more out of that than HR has to offer.

 

I think I'm going to start calling you welike. You're right. She has cost me a lot. And she doesn't understand the stressful situation she has put me in. I've lost sleep, I don't eat well and my job performance is totally suffering. But I've already gone to HR, so it's done. But I still wouldn't have been able to approach it like a business transaction.

 

You've done really well and I admire you for taking steps to put this on record and report her. I can imagine it's a very tough situation to be in and basically it's HER fault you are suffering this emotional as well as physical trauma. She deserves to be sacked, otherwise how is she ever going to realise her behaviour is unacceptable? Bullies don't learn unless they are stopped in their tracks - I've seen them at work, they try it on until something really serious happens and their hands are tied.

 

You wondered why you had been forced to set boundaries so much recently and with different people. I don't know the answer to that. It could be coincidence, it could be that you are an attractive and successful person and the creeps are attracted to you and some women are jealous. Sometimes things like this just happen in bunches. Jung called it synchronicity and he was trying to find out if there was meaning behind such coincidences.

 

I can imagine all this makes you feel particularly vulnerable. Does your employer have a counselling service that might be able to help you? Maybe HR could arrange that for you for free? Have you got any obvious injuries? If so, might be worth getting photos taken for the record.

 

I wonder if the employer has any obligation to report this to the police? I am not a lawyer and have no idea about this - perhaps others might.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through all this.

 

Thanks. She did create this mess. I would have hated myself, if, months later she could care less what happened and went back to similar aggressive behavior with impunity.

 

I feel like it's less synchronicity, more just crummy people that don't know how to behave. I doubt I'll ever make friends at work again. One of my friends at the same company sexually harrassed me. This one beat the crap out of me. Another, seemed to be a married guy lying in wait. I'm good. I don't need any more lessons.

 

I am considering going to talk to someone. I think that having all of this pile up back to back is compounding the stress. It's like people are trying to teach me that setting boundaries is wrong. And that isn't going to fly.

[johan]

I think I'm going to start calling you welike.

 

I think I'll take that as a compliment. But he will probably wonder what he ever did to you.

 

Let him wonder, I say.

[bentnotbroken]

HR + mace= lesson learned.

[Trimmer]

But what's bothering me now, is that I have to set my boundaries with 3 people in two weeks, which means losing all 3. And how in the world did it get to the point where they didn't know that cussing me out, hitting me or shady married guy behavior was unacceptable? Struggling.

Is it possible that this is a positive sign? A sign that instead of rolling over and submitting to people and allowing them to dominate and dump on you, you are finding your strength as an individual to stand up for yourself, declare the boundaries that are important to you, and say "no, this is not acceptable, this is not how I will let you treat me."

 

If that's the case, then I say you recognize it for the sign of strength and growth that it represents.

 

Look at it another way: in each case, would your life really be better off - overall and in the long run - if you had just rolled over and "taken it", not set your boundaries? Usually, when you "lose" people for those kinds of reasons, doesn't that mean they really weren't people who were positive factors in your life anyway? I don't mean to be glib, but it's a kind of housecleaning: keep the good stuff, the positive stuff, but don't be afraid to discard the bad stuff, the stuff that drags you down.

[betterdeal]

But what's bothering me now, is that I have to set my boundaries with 3 people in two weeks, which means losing all 3. And how in the world did it get to the point where they didn't know that cussing me out, hitting me or shady married guy behavior was unacceptable? Struggling.

 

There are myriad possible reasons for their choices, but what matters is that you know where your boundaries are and you have made it known you will assert yourself through use of reasonable means (e.g. HR) when those boundaries are encroached on. Consistent messages are the best way to teach others about what you will and will not accept.

 

As for losing them, think of it as creating space between you and them for something new to take shape in. They may choose to cut you off, or they may choose to modify their behaviour and so create a differently shaped relationship with you. One that you like more.