azsinglegal Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I've been seeing a guy for almost 3 months now. He actually was my FWB that turned into more of a relationship. I've spent every weekend over there for almost 3 months, from Thur - Sun. Then due to our work schedules I stay at my house during the week and him at his. It works out really well for both of us. I'm just trying to figure out if we're exclusive OR if we're both open to dating other people. I don't want to ask him, because he's not the kind of guy to express anything emotional and if I put expectations on him, he'll run - cuz that's who he is. When I leave on Sunday, he always says, see you Thur afternoon. I just can't figure out if I have an actual BF or if my FWB is over an extended period of days instead of one night.
NicoleM Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 I can tell you from personal experience never rush a guy into commiting or being exclusive. It takes time!! You are dating and you two obviously care about each other. I have read numerous,numerous times and have heard it from my friends never ever pressure a guy into being exclusive ever. It's like a written law or something lol. Give it time!
Author azsinglegal Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 You guys have no problem having sex 24/7 all weekend. However, cannot talk about the most fundamental part of the relationship. That is not good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is why I always recommend sex after a relation is exclusive, not before. In that manner there is no confusion. This relationship is backwards. Sex, but no intimacy. We actually don't have sex all weekend, sometimes not at all. We go out, watch movies, talk, hold hands, spend time together, go to the gym. We do all sorts of stuff on the weekends together. We laugh a lot, agree on several things. I cook dinner for him and he always cleans up when I'm done. It's more of a relationship but a slow one. I'm happy actually. Just wondering when I talk about him do I call him my BF or what? That's the part that's confusing. And I'm NOT pushing him into a commitment at all. I've done that in the past and it NEVER works.
lolo1234 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 If your gut tells you that you can't talk to him about this... then you guys are basically just FWB. I think the situation is very convenient for him. Especially since you are basically the one going to him and spending time at HIS place. If you want a real relationship then I think you're going to have to look elsewhere.
Art_Critic Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 This is just me but it becomes exclusive when I dip my noodle and get it wet. The exchange of body fluids marks it for me.. But for you the OP since you are in a FWB then I would just have a conversation one night after some hot sweaty sex and ask him where you guy stand..
Author azsinglegal Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 If your gut tells you that you can't talk to him about this... then you guys are basically just FWB. I think the situation is very convenient for him. Especially since you are basically the one going to him and spending time at HIS place. If you want a real relationship then I think you're going to have to look elsewhere. You make a good point. Thank you.
jkl6158 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I suggest if you have feelings for this guy and want it to be a relationship you have a discussion sooner rather than later. I recently dated a guy for 4 months and never brought this up for fear of being hurt or scaring him away. So I just never discussed feelings or our relationship with him. Well after 4 months of me thinking things were perfect and spending tons of time together and being intimate for 3 months together he tells me that I'm a great girl but he's just not feeling it and we're missing that spark (which I certainly thought was brightly burning). Perhaps had we discussed things earlier either it would have ended earlier and spared me some pain, or we would have connected on a more emotional level that would have made him have stronger feelings for me. Either way I say you need to make sure you are both on the same page.
Casablanca Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I can tell you from personal experience never rush a guy into commiting or being exclusive. It takes time!! You are dating and you two obviously care about each other. I have read numerous,numerous times and have heard it from my friends never ever pressure a guy into being exclusive ever. It's like a written law or something lol. Give it time! Asking someone what their thoughts on being exclusive are =/= pressuring a guy into it Just ask him how he feels about the idea
rafallus Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I can tell you from personal experience never rush a guy into commiting or being exclusive. It takes time!! You are dating and you two obviously care about each other. I have read numerous,numerous times and have heard it from my friends never ever pressure a guy into being exclusive ever. It's like a written law or something lol. Give it time! I'll take it further: Never ever pressure anyone into anything. They better want to do it on their own anyway. If they are on the fence, you can show them, what they'd be missing, but not pressure. It invariably failed when I did it, and when someone does it against me, I feel more like I want to avoid them - not just relationship wise either.
keepsmilin74 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Casablanca is saying that simply asking is NOT equal to pressuring. I agree, just ask. 3 months is plenty long enough to check if the fwb has changed to something more. Just smile and ask so, what are we? keep it light but steady. Edited July 20, 2011 by keepsmilin74 accidentally hit post before I finished typing
oaks Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I'm just trying to figure out if we're exclusive OR if we're both open to dating other people. I don't want to ask him, because he's not the kind of guy to express anything emotional and if I put expectations on him, he'll run - cuz that's who he is. If you're not sure then it's not exclusive. That's simple. In general there should be a non-ambiguous conversation about it, and if there hasn't been then don't assume that you're exclusive! However, if you're having sex and you're also going to date other people I think it would be a great idea to share that information!
Casablanca Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Casablanca is saying that simply asking is NOT equal to pressuring. I agree, just ask. 3 months is plenty long enough to check if the fwb has changed to something more. Just smile and ask so, what are we? keep it light but steady. That is what I meant...just wanted to make sure the "dont pressure him into it" wasnt misunderstood as dont ask/talk about it...
yolatanga Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 If you're not sure then it's not exclusive. That's simple. In general there should be a non-ambiguous conversation about it, and if there hasn't been then don't assume that you're exclusive! However, if you're having sex and you're also going to date other people I think it would be a great idea to share that information! Thank you. I asked my guy to have this conversation. He and I have been seeing each other and only recently started having sex. Now he's being flighty. I just told him it is important to me that we both be honest about our expectations and if we are sleeping with others. I'm not, but I fear he is. What did I get? silence He's not responded to me at all. WTH! This is so damn frustrating. No phone call. That irks me.
oaks Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Thank you. I asked my guy to have this conversation. He and I have been seeing each other and only recently started having sex. Now he's being flighty. I just told him it is important to me that we both be honest about our expectations and if we are sleeping with others. I'm not, but I fear he is. What did I get? silence He's not responded to me at all. WTH! This is so damn frustrating. No phone call. That irks me. Ok, so if it's going to upset you if he's sleeping with other people, why didn't you clarify this before having sex?
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 OP, does he take you out on dates? Introduce you to friends or family members? Invite you to social functions (friends' parties, weddings, etc.)? To me, these are signs that he's interested in more than just a sexual relationship. You absolutely need to talk to him about this. And talking is not the same as pressuring. When you're regularly having sex with someone, it is 100% acceptable to want to know if you're the only one. I suggest bringing it up in this manner: "So, I don't want to pressure you into a response, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm not seeing anyone else." IMO, his response (or lack thereof) will tell you all you need to know.
zengirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 If it started as a FWB situation and he's not brought up exclusivity, I'd say odds are that isn't going to happen (in most cases -- I'm sure exceptions exist) or certainly not going to go smoothly at least. As to the question in the title thread: You're exclusive when you've both talked about being exclusive.
vsmini Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I'm just trying to figure out if we're exclusive OR if we're both open to dating other people. I don't want to ask him, because he's not the kind of guy to express anything emotional and if I put expectations on him, he'll run - cuz that's who he is. Big red flag and I think that answers your question. Why would you want a real relationship with a guy that can't even talk about it. If you bringing it up would cause him to run I think that's a pretty good indicator that he's not interested in a serious relationship
Lovelybird Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Stop going to his place, see if he goes out of his way to meet you or try to make you happy besides in bed. That will make you quickly see the clear picture. The key is that maybe you don't want to see it IMO if a girl does more than the guy, the relationship isn't that satisfying and hardly could survive. If it does, the woman will grow contempt for the man when time goes by Edited July 20, 2011 by Lovelybird
Feelsgoodman Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 You women are playing into the hands of the men that love to use women for sex and nothing else. The FWB system was the invention of men that wanted to use women for sex with no strings attached. The FWB system actually benefits women more than it benefits men. You are just bitter because no one wants to be your FWB.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 :D:D:D:D See what I mean. Guys have convinced women FWB is great for them. "It benefits women more than it does men". Gotta love that quote:laugh:. You are a troll. Even the term "friend with benefits" was clearly coined by a woman (men normally refer to their casual partners as f*ck buddies). Calling their casual sex partner a "friend with benefits" is supposed to help women rationalize their promiscuous behaviour and convince themselves they are not sluts (which is really important to a woman). Typical female thinking goes something like this: Sure, this guy is not not my boyfriend, but he is boy friend. I'm not banging some random dude; I'm just spending 'quality time' with a friend. Therefore, I'm not a slut.
rafallus Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 You women are playing into the hands of the men that love to use women for sex and nothing else. The FWB system was the invention of men that wanted to use women for sex with no strings attached. And it's not so rare, that it's the man who gets clingy, while woman is fine with FWB situation. Basically, I don't get this "treating women like they don't have a brain of their own" thing.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Men, on the other hand, have no problem admitting they are just banging some random broad.
yolatanga Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Ok, so if it's going to upset you if he's sleeping with other people, why didn't you clarify this before having sex? Good ?. The whole thing started off wrong. We got really close before he went back to his gf. We stayed friends. He went away. Came back, broke up with her and started up with me again. This has been going on since May. We finally slept together last week and spent the weekend together. Had a great time. Really passionate. You think we both would have said something. Now I regret it. He got flighty Monday. I acted like I didn't care and he got mad. He blew me off. Had a brief text chat in the a.m. after I told him that him I was disappointed he didn't bother to call me after saying he would do so. He told me I had to deal with is family issues. That has nothing to with making a phone call? I'm confused. I said I could, but not how he puts me in text mode and avoids me. I told him what I wanted. No more text conversations where I say too much and he says nothing. Take it or leave it. No response. I have not heard from him since, but I know he has some work meeting for the next two days. I sent him a great pic of his daughter I took over the weekend. Not a thank you. Not good, right?
Author azsinglegal Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) OP, does he take you out on dates? Introduce you to friends or family members? Invite you to social functions (friends' parties, weddings, etc.)? To me, these are signs that he's interested in more than just a sexual relationship. You absolutely need to talk to him about this. And talking is not the same as pressuring. When you're regularly having sex with someone, it is 100% acceptable to want to know if you're the only one. I suggest bringing it up in this manner: "So, I don't want to pressure you into a response, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm not seeing anyone else." IMO, his response (or lack thereof) will tell you all you need to know. Yes, we go out on dates. He pays, holds my hand, bought me a birthday gift that was VERY thoughtful, but I haven't met his friends, and he's met mine. I am concerned because his friends either don't know about me or I haven't met them, but we're supposed to go out with his best friend and wife this Saturday. We interact on FB all the time and from the comments, I think his friends can tell we're seeing each other. He went home for 10 days and the first thing he wanted to do when he got back was see me, and we didn't even have sex that night. We just spent time together. Went out to dinner and watched TV talking and holding each other all night. He insists I go to the gym with him as much as possible (he's a bodybuilder), which strikes me as odd because he NEVER wanted me to go with him last year. When I ask him if he wants to go alone, he always says NO. He even interacts with me in a way, if I saw that, I'd know two people were a couple. It's not that I want to date other people, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm just a convenience for him. That he's seeing me because it's easy. We do live 45 min away and I live in a rural area, so I go to him because there isn't much to do out here. I have to drive 45 min to a movie theater. He's told me he's not one to talk about emotions, but he shows his feelings by doing things for me. He said it was always an issue with his ex-GFs so I'm trying NOT to be that girl. He does do a lot of little things for me when we're together. I was really sick last week and he insisted I stay at his house and he totally took care of me when he got home from work. Made me food, held me, bought my meds, anything I wanted, he did for me. I start a new job on August 1st and I won't be as accessible to him then. I think when that happens, I'll have my answer for sure. Edited July 20, 2011 by azsinglegal
rafallus Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 You are another guy trying to tell women that FWB is great for them. nope. You're just trying to make a leap from "FWB isn't always bad for women, and sometimes it's the guy, who gets clingy" to "FWB is great for all women". Except it doesn't follow.
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