without Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I actually am a Sagittarius, Dec 13. Not sure what that has to do with anything. CaliBabe, I'm giving it one more try tonight. We are going to talk and I can and will do everything in my power to make this better. If she wants me great, if not then I will learn to survive. Cuase they all are like that..its so hard to date one..had a similar problem ..jesus..and girls were into him so much.. Link to post Share on other sites
without Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 (edited) The difference...well he said he onky loves me then in the end left me so suddenly without any reason.. not caring that i loved him so much..cried all the time..still don't understand why that happened..U can read my post "i'm so devastated".. Edited August 4, 2011 by without Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhMittens Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 Cuase they all are like that..its so hard to date one..had a similar problem ..jesus..and girls were into him so much.. The difference...well he said he onky loves me then in the end left me so suddenly without any reason.. not caring that i loved him so much..cried all the time..still don't understand why that happened I don't put any stock into astrology, you are who you are no matter when you are born. I was difficult because my self esteem got in my way. I couldn't accept that anyone could ever love me for me and I pulled away expecting her to see she was too good for me. In the end it was never like that and after our talk there might just be some hope, and I plan on giving it my all and seeing what we can make out of it. If it doesn't work out at least I will know that I gave it my everything this time and we can leave without regret if necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
without Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I don't put any stock into astrology, you are who you are no matter when you are born. I was difficult because my self esteem got in my way. I couldn't accept that anyone could ever love me for me and I pulled away expecting her to see she was too good for me. In the end it was never like that and after our talk there might just be some hope, and I plan on giving it my all and seeing what we can make out of it. If it doesn't work out at least I will know that I gave it my everything this time and we can leave without regret if necessary. I understand.he said that i deserved better too.anyways good luck man. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Good for you OhMittens, let us know how it goes! Best of luck to you my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
without Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I understand.he said that i deserved better too.anyways good luck man. One more question did you come back? Link to post Share on other sites
without Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 I mean after the first break up?or the second?.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhMittens Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 I mean after the first break up?or the second?.. After too many and too much back and forth. I wasn't able to look at myself with clear eyes. It was a journey that I needed to take and I just hope it didn't end up being too late. Link to post Share on other sites
without Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 After too many and too much back and forth. I wasn't able to look at myself with clear eyes. It was a journey that I needed to take and I just hope it didn't end up being too late. I hope turns out GREAT for you Both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhMittens Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 I hope turns out GREAT for you Both of you. Thank you, me as well. I know it's going to be a tough journey if we do make it through, but it will be so worth it. I just needed to learn about myself, stop being so depressed, and get motivated enough to make the changes for myself. I was a depressed couch potato who didn't talk and wanted to do nothing in life. I made the changes I needed to make, I'm changing back to the person I was when I was happy. She always said "You didn't used to be like this", and she was right. I was happier and I feltl like I had the ability to change the world if I tried... and I feel that way again. I signed up to donate blood on Saturday, something I always wanted to do but never got around to doing so. I'd always psyche myself out beforehand and just never motivate myself to even find a blood drive. I also have been emailing softball and football leagues because I used to love playing sports and being active, and I just got totally lazy. I was so depressed to the point that I gave up on all of the happiness in life. Things might not work out between us, there is a lot of bad history that she might not be able to get through... but I'm going to give it my all and if it doesn't work then I am not going to lose myself again. I'm a wonderful interesting person and when I'm happy I could have people lining up to be with me, but I just want her. Link to post Share on other sites
bonpaw2008 Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Best of luck to both of you, I think your exchange on this board helped you see each other's side. I can't say I have ever seen both sides of the story on here and it was refreshing. Mitten so glad you are getting yourself going back to the activities that you were involved in before. Even if things do work out don't get lazy again! Both of you need your own time, and both of you need to work on making each other feel special. That way no one has esteem issues, you know you are on the same page, and the words aren't just words, they are followup to the way you live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhMittens Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 Best of luck to both of you, I think your exchange on this board helped you see each other's side. I can't say I have ever seen both sides of the story on here and it was refreshing. Mitten so glad you are getting yourself going back to the activities that you were involved in before. Even if things do work out don't get lazy again! Both of you need your own time, and both of you need to work on making each other feel special. That way no one has esteem issues, you know you are on the same page, and the words aren't just words, they are followup to the way you live. I agree completely. I know for a fact that if we can't be ourselves then things could never work out. Our relationship was the best when we both had more of our own friends and hobbies. Instead of trying to be each other's everything, we could do our own thing and then share with one another. Conversation that way never got dull and the laziness never crept in. When trying to become one someone has to give up, sometimes it was me, sometimes it was her... but we couldn't be happy that way. But when two individuals come together that love one another, they can lean on each other when needed and be happy when the other is strong and happy with all of the parts of their life. Link to post Share on other sites
JHS Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Cuase they all are like that..its so hard to date one..had a similar problem ..jesus..and girls were into him so much.. Sag. are like what? Link to post Share on other sites
without Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 Sag. are like what? They flirt too much..they pay attention to girls...mostly in a sexual way..and they are honest about it..like :look at that hot chick with that Buttt..and if you're their gf it makes you kindda feel awkward that they look at everyone... Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhMittens Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 They flirt too much..they pay attention to girls...mostly in a sexual way..and they are honest about it..like :look at that hot chick with that Buttt..and if you're their gf it makes you kindda feel awkward that they look at everyone... You can't blame a date of birth for someone's actions. Myself, I could have been born any day and it wouldn't have changed my depression and self esteem issues. My issues were based on my upbringing and choices that I made through life. Just because you had a bad experience with someone doesn't mean it has anything to do with when they were born. A mixture of nature and nurture creates how a person is. I was born a certain way and certain situations led to depression and a low self esteem. Now that I have my answers and can work on things... will I make the same mistakes? No, I've learned that I wasn't happy with me and it messed up all of the parts of my life. Had I not got depressed I would have never taken the actions that I did. Count all the people in the world and separate them by date of birth. You will find the same percentage of buttholes each day, you just haven't met them yet. Link to post Share on other sites
without Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 You can't blame a date of birth for someone's actions. Myself, I could have been born any day and it wouldn't have changed my depression and self esteem issues. My issues were based on my upbringing and choices that I made through life. Just because you had a bad experience with someone doesn't mean it has anything to do with when they were born. A mixture of nature and nurture creates how a person is. I was born a certain way and certain situations led to depression and a low self esteem. Now that I have my answers and can work on things... will I make the same mistakes? No, I've learned that I wasn't happy with me and it messed up all of the parts of my life. Had I not got depressed I would have never taken the actions that I did. Count all the people in the world and separate them by date of birth. You will find the same percentage of buttholes each day, you just haven't met them yet. Ohh believe me i have seen enough of *******s maybe its time for me to see some good folk.i dont give a damn on wjen they are born a sad coincidence thay u reminded me of an ex. I just answered what i know to the one asked about sags. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhMittens Posted August 4, 2011 Author Share Posted August 4, 2011 Ohh believe me i have seen enough of *******s maybe its time for me to see some good folk.i dont give a damn on wjen they are born a sad coincidence thay u reminded me of an ex. I just answered what i know to the one asked about sags. Wish you the best finding good folk, just don't let them go when you find them like I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted August 4, 2011 Share Posted August 4, 2011 There are two sides to every story, so why don't you think about that before being so quick to judge. First of all, he has conveniently left out the part about how he has admitted to purposely trying over the entire course of our relationship to make me jealous and insecure so that he felt like i needed him, how he would purposely give just enough to always make me want more. He also severely underplayed his attraction toward other people. I'm not stupid, I know that everyone is gonna notice people as attractive but there are varying degrees to it. To me, when we are out somewhere together supposed to be spending time together, and he is oggling, lusting after, and fantasizing about other women, then that crosses a line. It is fine to notice that people are attractive, but I feel like if you are devoted to the person you love then it should not go beyond that and you shouldn't need to lust after other people or fantasize about them. And yes, even though he claims that he's not watching porn now, he did watch it pretty obsessively throughout the course of our relationship, and continued to lie to me about it, and has also recently admitted that he knows he will eventually go back down that road because it's a part of who he is. And THAT is the part that I can't deal with. He also conveniently left out that not only was he lusting after other people, but also started denying any sexual advances from me, despite the fact that he was always complaining that I never had sex with him, and that I never tried to make myself pretty for him. Well guess what, I did try. I tried everything he ever asked of me and then some. But in the end, I wasn't able to do anything for him anymore and the only thing that could get him off was thoughts about other people. He also claimed that he wasn't sitting around talking to me about all these women, and that was also a lie. He was always pointing out women's features when we were out places, and I remember at least one occasion when he pointed out a girl that we had seen 2 weeks beforehand, and remembered her solely based on her breasts. I had also remembered seeing her but that was based on the unique-looking dog she had with her. So don't let him fool you into thinking that his attractions were just some passing thing that didn't go anywhere and then immediately left his mind. No, they were lusting, sexual fantasies that he was having about these other women many times when we were supposed to be out enjoying quality time together. And you can think all you want that I must be lying if I say I do the same things but the truth is I don't. I have never felt a need to lust after other men because I was satisfied with him. He has also admitted that he would also be jealous if I were lusting after other men. He can sit there and tell you all he wants about how he put in all this effort and got nothing back in return, but I devoted all I had to him and in return I got emotional withdrawal, complete dishonesty, and disrespect. Yes, I do have my own issues to deal with, as does everyone, and I have been working on those and have actually come a pretty damn long way. In truth, for awhile we were well on our way to sorting everything out. But the truth is I know that I am a good person, and it is not an unreasonable expectation that I have to want my partner to be emotionally and sexually devoted to me. That is not about some self-esteem issue. I know that I am attractive, but that doesn't mean I am wrong to expect my partner to treat me like I am the most attractive person to them, and they shouldn't have to lie to me to do it. And it doesn't mean that I'm "psycho" or a nutcase. It just means that these are values that I find important in a relationship, and I should not have to compromise those values for someone who continues to disrespect me in the ways that he has. I was also willing to go to couples counseling to try to sort all this out, but he has flat out refused because he is unwilling to compromise. Like I said, it's one thing to find someone attractive and then move on, but he has taken things to what, in my opinion, is an unacceptable level that I can not tolerate in a relationship. Yet through all of this, I have never claimed that he was a horrible person. In fact, just the opposite. I have been telling him what a wonderful person I thought he was, as he was sitting there threatening to blow his brains out because HE thinks he's a horrible person. We have both made our share of mistakes in this relationship, but I have never said that he is a bad person for feeling the way he feels, and I don't appreciate people bashing me for having my own feelings. He is a wonderful person, and I know some day he will find someone who will make him happy, and will be fine with his watching porn and lusting after other women. If that works for both people, then great, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But there is also nothing wrong with me feeling the way that I feel and having my own expectations in a relationship. Because I know that I am also a good person, and I deserve to have my needs met as well. Just because he was not the person to fulfill those needs that does not mean I think he is a bad person and I have never said anything to that extent. Interesting. This changes things. Your post made me change my mind about what I wrote regarding attraction to others although I still stand by the fact young people shouldn't settle down too early. It's not often we hear the other side of a story so thanks for sharing your perspective. Paragraphs are your friend. It's a bit hard to read a huge wall of text without any paragraph breaks. Just sayin... Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 LOL what's all this BS about astrology. Dude I check out hott chics all the time. And you know what's the best part?? I get to do it with the girl I'm seeing!! She likes to point out hott girls and ask me what I think of them. I told her she's an 11, like the FBIs best kept secret, so she's always trying to spot out a 12. But I tell her they don't exist. She actually likes to check out other people with me. Most of the time, she's the one initiating it! It's ****ing awesome!!! Link to post Share on other sites
FrostFire Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) What we have here is 2 individuals with 2 very different attachment styles and acting out in different ways. Him being anxious and acting out. Her being avoidant by openly stating she's not willing to make compromises and her "control issues." Everyone has to make compromises in a relationship. However, what we are seeing is 2 sides of the story which is very unique and interesting. A lot can be learned from this as we see OhMittens actually admit he did do certain things and therefore became a "secure" person temporarily. What this couple needs is for one person to set aside their anxiousness while the other is going through theirs. Otherwise 2 anxious people are just going to be biting each other's heads off and not going anywhere. For this I recommend reading the book: "Attached: The new science of adult attachment." This book has helped me tremendously in my relationship with my amazing woman of 1.5 years and still growing stronger and stronger. Unfortunately, an Avoidant vs. Anxious attachment style in a relationship is one of the hardest to maintain. It's not to say it can't be done but just be prepared for lots of acting out and emotional roller coasters. Good Luck! Edited August 5, 2011 by FrostFire Link to post Share on other sites
Author OhMittens Posted August 5, 2011 Author Share Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) LOL what's all this BS about astrology. Dude I check out hott chics all the time. And you know what's the best part?? I get to do it with the girl I'm seeing!! She likes to point out hott girls and ask me what I think of them. I told her she's an 11, like the FBIs best kept secret, so she's always trying to spot out a 12. But I tell her they don't exist. She actually likes to check out other people with me. Most of the time, she's the one initiating it! It's ****ing awesome!!! And I don't think that this is somthing so far removed that we couldn't have done the same had we supported each other better. What we have here is 2 individuals with 2 very different attachment styles and acting out in different ways. Him being anxious and acting out. Her being avoidant by openly stating she's not willing to make compromises and her "control issues." Everyone has to make compromises in a relationship. However, what we are seeing is 2 sides of the story which is very unique and interesting. A lot can be learned from this as we see OhMittens actually admit he did do certain things and therefore became a "secure" person temporarily. What this couple needs is for one person to set aside their anxiousness while the other is going through theirs. Otherwise 2 anxious people are just going to be biting each other's heads off and not going anywhere. For this I recommend reading the book: "Attached: The new science of adult attachment." This book has helped me tremendously in my relationship with my amazing woman of 1.5 years and still growing stronger and stronger. Unfortunately, an Avoidant vs. Anxious attachment style in a relationship is one of the hardest to maintain. It's not to say it can't be done but just be prepared for lots of acting out and emotional roller coasters. Good Luck! Looking into that book now, going to call the store and see if they have it in stock. Make a quick run to the store and start it at work (very slow day). I would disagree though that she wasn't willing to make compromises, I just never let her. I was so insecure that I would agree without question and when I would get the courage to be secure and open up what I was saying was coming so far out of left field (because I had agreed with her so much before) that she was just kind of blind sided. Then at other times the only way I could feel any sense of security was to try and be the polar opposite of what she wanted so I could try and place the blame on her for not being willing to compromise. I'd say we were both pretty anxious for various reasons, but if there was a more avoidant one it was myself. I was also very inconsistant and just couldn't believe anyone would want me for who I was, and was raised to avoid feelings when I am honestly more sensitive than she ever was. Even the attraction to other people was based on a feeling of emotional security. It wasn't about sex, it was about feeling good enough for someone. My fantasies were about having a secure emotional connection with someone who loved and desired me for me. When we were happy I could look at people, see that they were attractive, but still be more than satisified with my partner. When I was insecure I was constantly looking around, not thinking "I'd like to hit that" or anything crazy like that, but "I wonder if she would love and appreciate me for me?" I would try to push her away because for some sick reason I wanted to hear her say "you're not good enough for me" so I could say "See, I was right all along. No one wants me for me". It was like I was trying to be my own self fulfilling prophecy but really I just wanted to open up to her and feel comfortable doing so. We are talking through things and I really feel like there is quite a fighting chance for us. Thank you again for the book recommendation. I'm off on my journey, best of luck to all and thank you all for the advice! Edited August 5, 2011 by OhMittens Link to post Share on other sites
UpsideDownSmile Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 Best of luck to both of you, I think your exchange on this board helped you see each other's side. I can't say I have ever seen both sides of the story on here and it was refreshing. I think this is a novel idea and probably worth more than couples counseling because you will gain perspectives of multiple individuals. I thought something like this would have been good for my relationship with my ex. But, it would require open-mindedness and a willingness to find out that perhaps you are the one who is wrong. If only...But I can't worry about that now. It's far too late. Anyway, kudos to the OP and his GF/EX or what ever they may be! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 wow - - i just caught up on this thread. i'm actually glad i refrained from commenting earlier - - esp after reading run4life's response. i too got irked when the ex used to look at and comment about other women because he pretty much did it in the same manner that run4life described. and the effect on me was the same- - it made me feel inadequate and hurt. he also used to criticize my appearance. so on top of that criticism i had to deal with him talking about how hot other girls were. i don't have a problem with a partner noticing attractive women - - i've been known to have a wandering eye myself (i look for like a second and that's it -- although when i was the ex i only had eyes for him ). but when it's done in a way that makes me feel as though he's still dwelling on her long after that it bothers me. yes - - i am fully aware that i have my own insecurities and i am working on those. but everyone has their limits. i really feel as though my ex was commenting on other women because --as run4life stated -- it was his way of projecting his insecurities onto me. OhMittens i have to say, i really admire you for being able to see your ex's side of things and for working on the issues that led you to this point-- i doubt my ex ever will. best of luck to you both. oh - - and for the record, my ex is a leo (Jul 25) - -not that that matters i don't by into the astrology notion either. sure if can be fun to ponder but date of birth has nothing to do with an individual's behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
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