carhill Posted July 17, 2011 Share Posted July 17, 2011 My husband has seen some of the texts and I don't think he was happy about it, but am I not allowed to have any male friends? Where is the line? Sure, friends who are friends of your marriage. Men whom your husband knows and respects. I'll bet you interact with a lot of his male friends. How does that go? They come by, hang out, shoot the breeze and enjoy your and H's company. Some are married and some are single. All are friends. Friends are good to have. You and your H may have agreed to have separate social circles which don't interact. In that case, the friends of the marriage caveat still applies wrt transparency and contemporaneous communication. The texts, as an example, should be transparent to H (likewise his to you) and each agrees on appropriateness. As an example, I've communicated with my exW a number of times since her boyfriend moved in with her last year. All those communications could be shown to him as they happened without concern (on my end) or spoken in front of him. We're not 'friends' but I respect him as her current boyfriend. Simple as that. I would not accept any communications about her relationship, as that would be inappropriate. That's between her and him. It's pretty simple stuff, once broken down. Hope it works out Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenbeans123 Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Sure, friends who are friends of your marriage. Men whom your husband knows and respects. I'll bet you interact with a lot of his male friends. How does that go? They come by, hang out, shoot the breeze and enjoy your and H's company. Some are married and some are single. All are friends. Friends are good to have. You and your H may have agreed to have separate social circles which don't interact. In that case, the friends of the marriage caveat still applies wrt transparency and contemporaneous communication. The texts, as an example, should be transparent to H (likewise his to you) and each agrees on appropriateness. As an example, I've communicated with my exW a number of times since her boyfriend moved in with her last year. All those communications could be shown to him as they happened without concern (on my end) or spoken in front of him. We're not 'friends' but I respect him as her current boyfriend. Simple as that. I would not accept any communications about her relationship, as that would be inappropriate. That's between her and him. It's pretty simple stuff, once broken down. Hope it works out Thanks for your response. I understand your distinction and agree at some level, but I don't think it's practical for my husband to meet every other man with whom I interact. And I wouldn't expect to meet every woman he interacts with, especially those at work. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 The OP has the classic make up of a cheater. She desperately wants to know if the potential other man has feelings for her. She wants to know this because she needs external validation. She is unable to have self validation and hence she is an affair in the making. I give her credit because she has some ideas about crossing the line to have an affair. However, she also falls into the "it just happened" syndrome and now she has love feelings. These love feelings did not happened just like that. She actually flirted over many months to get there. She flirted because her strong needs to have external validation. Sounds like your ex right P? Actually sounded like my wife during her depressive phase. My advice OP: find out why this other man's validation is so important to you. Or continue along the path you're on now. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Thanks for your response. I understand your distinction and agree at some level, but I don't think it's practical for my husband to meet every other man with whom I interact. And I wouldn't expect to meet every woman he interacts with, especially those at work. Then, this part of my post applies, should you choose to keep separate social and professional circles. This means your husband doesn't accompany you to professional social gatherings, work parties, etc, and vice-versa..... "You and your H may have agreed to have separate social circles which don't interact. In that case, the friends of the marriage caveat still applies wrt transparency and contemporaneous communication. The texts, as an example, should be transparent to H (likewise his to you) and each agrees on appropriateness." Essentially, people who are known to you (or H) are transparent to the other spouse through a seamless flow of proactive communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenbeans123 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Then, this part of my post applies, should you choose to keep separate social and professional circles. This means your husband doesn't accompany you to professional social gatherings, work parties, etc, and vice-versa..... "You and your H may have agreed to have separate social circles which don't interact. In that case, the friends of the marriage caveat still applies wrt transparency and contemporaneous communication. The texts, as an example, should be transparent to H (likewise his to you) and each agrees on appropriateness." Essentially, people who are known to you (or H) are transparent to the other spouse through a seamless flow of proactive communication. Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenbeans123 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 The OP has the classic make up of a cheater. She desperately wants to know if the potential other man has feelings for her. She wants to know this because she needs external validation. She is unable to have self validation and hence she is an affair in the making. I give her credit because she has some ideas about crossing the line to have an affair. However, she also falls into the "it just happened" syndrome and now she has love feelings. These love feelings did not happened just like that. She actually flirted over many months to get there. She flirted because her strong needs to have external validation. Wow. I think you're making some bold assumptions here. Saying I'm only looking for external validation is quite a reach, I think. I'm not saying I'm entirely innocent regarding the flirting, but you make it seem like I'm one small step away from a full fledged affair. I'm just trying to get an unbiased opinion as to whether my feelings are reciprocated. Thanks for your response, though. I have to admit it did get me thinking. Good food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author greenbeans123 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Share Posted July 20, 2011 Why is it so important for you to know that he has feelings for you? I think it's just human nature that when you have feelings for someone, you hope they are reciprocated. And I'd like to know that they are just so I don't feel like an idiot letting myself get all swept away when it's not even on his radar. If it was just about validation or an ego boost, i think i would already be satisfied. Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
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