alexa137 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 how long do most people "date" before actually saying they are in a relationship? as in girlfriend/boyfriend? been dating a guy for 2 months and he says he doesnt want to rush into a relationship, but to me its already a relationship! the beginning was, dinner, drinks, hanging out, movies, visiting each other, then 2 weeks in started having sex, then recently(past 3 weeks) invited me to a family wedding, took me to a good friends sons bday party, i met most of his family, his dad, cousins, etc... rode with him to a dr appt and haircut yesterday. These things i have never done with any other guy! to me that is things couples do! so i asked him if we are still on the "dating" level? and he asks why do i keep asking that? well because i just want to know, basically if he is dating other people(meaning also sex) i dont want someone im having sex with to be having sex with someone else! and of course men wont tell! so now i am upset, depressed and crying. I really like this guy, alot! he has good potential and has treated me for the most part very good. the only thing that has bothered me a little is that all the cute little stuff has diminished, like the goodnight sweetheart, texts etc... but so ive heard these stop after awhile, but to me they mean something! we dont see other as much and the sex has gone down to only once a week. i have mentioned all this to him. i also told him that i think i like him way more than he likes me, his response was "wow" he couldnt believe some of the things i was saying. i was just speaking the truth, saying that ive never been in this position and doing all these activities with him so it makes me feel he likes me., kinda leading me on. and i told him i dont want to put all my time etc.. get feelings, which i already have and then in 2 mths he starts dating someone else! well i already kinda suspect that maybe he is talking to someone else. but he says the reason he is pulling back a little as to seeing other and sex is so that i dont get feelings, which i kinda understand but its too late! already got them! also asked him if we are allowed to date other people, i have no intentions, no one out there worth my time! he said it wouldnt bother him because maybe that person can give me what i want, i was like wow, that hurt my feelings. a little info: i have been hurt, damaged and cheated on my entire life dealing with men(20 some years) i cant help the way i feel act and i know sometimes i just gotta keep my mouth shut because now i feel ive lost him and now hes upset. sorry prob wont help
Author alexa137 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 oh, and i feel after 2 months you should know if you want to be with someone or not! i can already feel and tell that he is a potential bf yeah, hes a little careful, and yes i want to jump in but like i said i have never been in this position. the majority of my "man" experiences were friends with benefits, i could never get any to commit! they were basically players! im almost 41 and never been married or engaged and so wanting that so bad, for so long, and im tired of being sad and depressed all the time. and so very tired of meeting a guy, hooking up and then a few mths later he goes on to another girl and then im hurt and crying! ugh!
Casablanca Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 He is just not THAT in to you sister.... That is what I'm thinking....after a few dates I let it be known that I'm interested in being exclusive i cant help the way i feel act and i know sometimes i just gotta keep my mouth shut because now i feel ive lost him and now hes upset.sorry prob wont help You telling him how you feel will not magically make him lose interest....how he feels towards you is based on who you are...for me after a couple months if the other person doesnt want to date exclusively they are not worth my time anymore...so if I was you, I'd tell him hey, I want to date exclusively and if he does not feel the same I'd say move on
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Every time I went exclusive with a guy, it was done in under 2 months (and more often, under 1 month).
make me believe Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 because i just want to know, basically if he is dating other people(meaning also sex) i dont want someone im having sex with to be having sex with someone else! and of course men wont tell! so now i am upset, depressed and crying. You need to ask him this! He owes you an honest answer, and if he won't tell you (or, worse, if he lies) then get rid of him. This is something you guys should have discussed BEFORE having sex. the only thing that has bothered me a little is that all the cute little stuff has diminished, like the goodnight sweetheart, texts etc... but so ive heard these stop after awhile, but to me they mean something! we dont see other as much and the sex has gone down to only once a week. I've been with my H for two years and this stuff hasn't stopped or diminished. And sex decreasing after only a couple months is a bad sign.. I think he wants the benefits of having a GF without making the commitment. He wants the sex, hanging out with you when it's convenient for him etc, but he still wants the freedom to hang out with other girls & most likely sleep with them too. the majority of my "man" experiences were friends with benefits, i could never get any to commit! they were basically players! im almost 41 and never been married or engaged and so wanting that so bad, for so long, and im tired of being sad and depressed all the time. and so very tired of meeting a guy, hooking up and then a few mths later he goes on to another girl and then im hurt and crying! ugh! You are choosing the wrong men! You also need to be upfront about your intentions from the very beginning. My husband and I talked about what we wanted from relationships on our 3rd date. I wasn't going to go any further than that with a guy if, for example, he said he never wanted to get married. It's not as hard to do as it seems, I promise. YOU set the standards for how men treat you & what behavior you're willing to accept from them. You should NOT accept a guy who is willing to have sex with you but not commit to you or make you his girlfriend.
vsmini Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 It's harsh and seems so simple that you're probably in denial but... If a guy really wants you to be his girlfriend...he'll make sure you know. He just doesn't sound that interested in you.
simpsonic Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I know exactly how you feel!!! I recently went through this and decided that I wouldn't see him or talk to him anymore. It just wasn't worth continuing as we were not on the same page. I just wish I'd brought up my intentions a lot earlier. Like the others have said here, he doesn't seem to be as interested as you are. For that reason I recommend that you don't see him anymore. Yes it will hurt a ton, but if I can do it you can! Allow yourself to grieve, take some time for yourself before dating again, and then you can get excited about someone who DOES want to commit to you! Just make sure you state your intentions early on. This is what I'll be doing next time I meet someone. I think if you follow this advice your chances of finding someone who genuinely wants to be with you will greatly increase.
sm1tten Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 In all of my long term relationships, the turn from "dating" to "relationship" has been within the first couple weeks of dating. I think this man is only interested in casually dating you and he's making that very clear via both his words and his actions. I think you should bail because clearly you're much more emotionally attached than he is and it's really not as simple as just pulling back.
Chocolat Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Hi Alexa, I am sorry you are going through this. It does sound as though this guy is not interested in an exclusive relationship with you. Have you considered that it may be better for you to establish your needs up front, rather than hoping to have them met after the fact? By this I mean, if knowing your partner is sexually exclusive to you is important, then don't have sex until you've discussed it means to you both. This gives you the ability to choose not to have sex with someone who is still looking around at other options. In my experience, a man who is really interested will want the r/s to be exclusive fairly early on.
chelle21689 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 I met someone only a month after my 5 year relationship ended. I felt an instant attraction but I knew I wasn't over my ex and I didn't want him to rush me and he agreed. I didn't want to jump into a relationship, I didn't want him to become a rebound, I wanted us to take things slow. Around 3 months I thought he might be good bf material. It's been 5 months now and I think I'm ready to be his girlfriend. I think I'm going to bring it up soon but I'm a little nervous. I liked that he was patient and didn't keep bugging me about it. He only brought it up once. Well, I would say for you to give yourself a time limit to where you think you can't handle it anymore. I mean, if it's a relationship you really want and you're not sure if he is going to committ and it drives you crazy then it probably won't look good for you.
Author alexa137 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 its very confusing! i just dont get him! meet through dating site, my profile says :looking for relationship and so does his, but he says he has rushed many times and it didnt work out, fine ok, but i dont want to keep putting in my time and effort and getting more feelings by spending time with you if in a month or two you decide to be with someone else. this is very hard for me i like him alot but have not been acting myself around him, its like walking on eggshells, dont know what to say or do! he notices a bad vibe sometimes! well u gotta wonder! im constantly thinking the nights i dont see him, is he on a date with another girl? is he having sex? it eats me up! note: out of all the men ive dealt with he is bf potential! has major points in alot of areas! i could see myself with this guy! i just gotta figure this out, cuz i dont know how much longer i can do this. there are other guys wanting to take me out but i dont want to because i know they arent nothing im looking for, but do i sit home and be bored or what? is it dumb to say that i dont want to spend time with other guys because i want to save my time for this guy? sounds retarded right? i was jus t never the two timer! when im with 1 guy thats it! its too confusing! i dont want to kiss and hug 2 different men let alone have sex with both! just not me!
zengirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Two months is more than enough time to figure it out IMO. All my LTRs have been 'relationships' essentially from the early stages (i.e. neither of us had any interest in anyone else by date 2 or 3 even, at latest) but we probably didn't talk about it till somewhere around date 10. But pretty darn quickly. That said, I tend to bring it up a bit more straightforwardly than most girls. I'd say within a month for sure, and you can already tell---the guy will already be acting like a boyfriend even if he hasn't "declared" it. And he definitely won't put you off if you ask for commitment. Guys who want to be your boyfriend are all about it when you ask about it! If asking for a commitment scares a guy off (I mean give it a few dates, sure; I'm not talking from date one, but even from a few weeks in, honestly), he never wanted to commit to you in the first place.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Two months is more than enough time to figure it out IMO. All my LTRs have been 'relationships' essentially from the early stages (i.e. neither of us had any interest in anyone else by date 2 or 3 even, at latest) but we probably didn't talk about it till somewhere around date 10. But pretty darn quickly. That said, I tend to bring it up a bit more straightforwardly than most girls. I'd say within a month for sure, and you can already tell---the guy will already be acting like a boyfriend even if he hasn't "declared" it. And he definitely won't put you off if you ask for commitment. Guys who want to be your boyfriend are all about it when you ask about it! If asking for a commitment scares a guy off (I mean give it a few dates, sure; I'm not talking from date one, but even from a few weeks in, honestly), he never wanted to commit to you in the first place. Agreed. Actually, both my boyfriends were ready to commit the day after we admitted our attraction to each other. Rather fast, yes, but I'd say its not going to work out unless it happens within the first two months. You want to get engaged and married, right? Then don't waste your time with a guy who will drag his feet through out the entire process (because he's already showing that he doesn't want to commit) even if you CAN get him to do it, which you probably can't. Go with a guy who's more ready to commit to you.
musemaj11 Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 (edited) Men's mission is to have the freedom to explore as many women as they can while women's mission is to take away this freedom by tying them down through marriage. Neither side is wrong or right. Its simply a battle of the sexes. Edited July 20, 2011 by musemaj11
GiselleDiann Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This guy is definitely checking out of the situation. I'm sorry you are going through this but I doubt he ever had intentions on being exclusive with you from the jump. It's always best to take your time with men, especially in the sex department. Also, I wouldn't pay too much attention to men that are looking for dates online. In most cases, they are just looking for an easy lay.
zengirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Men's mission is to have the freedom to explore as many women as they can while women's mission is to take away this freedom by tying them down through marriage. Neither side is wrong or right. Its simply a battle of the sexes. This should go in the Dating Myths thread. Many men want marriage (and children) and a lovely partnership. Don't bother with the ones that don't (children optional, depending on your particular desires, of course), ladies, if you're looking for the same. There are plenty of relationship-minded men, particularly when they meet a girl they really dig.
RickyTaylor Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 You could be in a situation that the guy only want a friend girl just to chill out and to not go to party's alone. i hope not for you... just make that simple question that he hates. are we a couple or not ? and say that is important to you to know it.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 This should go in the Dating Myths thread. Many men want marriage (and children) and a lovely partnership. Don't bother with the ones that don't (children optional, depending on your particular desires, of course), ladies, if you're looking for the same. There are plenty of relationship-minded men, particularly when they meet a girl they really dig. Agreed. I used to believe the same thing, which was why I didn't take my ex's commitment phobic issues seriously. In fact, my Dad claimed that all men go through that before they commit because he struggled with it with my Mom for a long time. While my current boyfriend proved that all wrong. We've been dating 8 months and he talks about children and what ours would look like without me bringing it up first. Says he loves them and likes to think about what it would be like if him and I were married. He says he only dates with the possibility of marriage. It's nice. Also, not all girls want to tie guys down. I've met a ton of girls who are just interested in having good times and sleeping around.
Author alexa137 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 call me crazy but i think if i ask the question " are we excusive sexually?" im sure for one his response will most likely be a lie and he will also get mad, so i will never know this answer! i know because i have been in this situation before where i found a girls cell phone # on a bill and bf denied there were more than friends,saying its not like that! lol ha! but turns out a month later she was pregnant! ( and so was i!) also think asking him will stir things up again! since i h ave already brought up the boyfriend, relationship topic twice in the past month u can win with men!
Author alexa137 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 i meant Exclusive call me crazy but i think if i ask the question " are we excusive sexually?" im sure for one his response will most likely be a lie and he will also get mad, so i will never know this answer! i know because i have been in this situation before where i found a girls cell phone # on a bill and bf denied there were more than friends,saying its not like that! lol ha! but turns out a month later she was pregnant! ( and so was i!) also think asking him will stir things up again! since i h ave already brought up the boyfriend, relationship topic twice in the past month u can win with men!
oaks Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 u can win with men! I'm guessing that was another typo, but it's true, you can! Some of us are made of win. You just have to filter out the losers.
zengirl Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 call me crazy but i think if i ask the question " are we excusive sexually?" im sure for one his response will most likely be a lie and he will also get mad, so i will never know this answer! i know because i have been in this situation before where i found a girls cell phone # on a bill and bf denied there were more than friends,saying its not like that! lol ha! but turns out a month later she was pregnant! ( and so was i!) also think asking him will stir things up again! since i h ave already brought up the boyfriend, relationship topic twice in the past month u can win with men! If you worried a guy would lie to you or get angry at you about exclusivity, then no, he's not your boyfriend, and likely never will be. If you've brought it up and he hasn't been into it, no, he's not your boyfriend, and likely never will be. This all sounds exhausting to me.
Author alexa137 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 yes DEF a typo! u CANT win with me, they lie and will never admit to having sex with multiple womens, even if you witness it! lol QUOTE=oaks;3522023]I'm guessing that was another typo, but it's true, you can! Some of us are made of win. You just have to filter out the losers.
Author alexa137 Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 guess all the winners are taken cuz ive had about 80 LOSers yes DEF a typo! u CANT win with me, they lie and will never admit to having sex with multiple womens, even if you witness it! lol QUOTE=oaks;3522023]I'm guessing that was another typo, but it's true, you can! Some of us are made of win. You just have to filter out the losers.
oaks Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 yes DEF a typo! u CANT win with me, they lie and will never admit to having sex with multiple womens, even if you witness it! lol As well as your typing, you need to work on your trust issues. Seriously, not all men will do that.
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